Inner Vision

I got into my car last night to go for a drive and clicked my tape deck, i haven't played it since i got my car.......

It was really strange but so many feelings started to appear with each track, music is very special, it can change my mood in an instant, certain songs seem to put me back into times when i was glowing inside, so my strength comes from it, if i was to be shut away on my desert island with only one thing, it would be my mp3 player id take without a doubt...

On this tape were songs i haven't played for so long, and i felt so different to how i did when i made the tape up, i think this is my problem ..... its what i want, miss and need ....

Ive got so swept up in trying to do whats best, that I'm being forced into non stop working, i don't want spare time talking about what we will do when its all done, there doesn't ever come a point when you catch up with everything, so that's the problem......

That's also where me and my partner differ......

He is passionate about work and finds it wonderful to push himself to be the best he can, which is great, I'm all up for that, and always try to do the best i can, but he needs a cut off point where enoughs, enough, so we can just be ourselves and enjoy our time ...

Why waste time talking about it, when you can do it, if life's for living ...then live it...

I was reading his blog last night and for every point he put across, i have an opposite feeling..

I don't want to be hemmed in to spend my quality time working for the day when we can sit back and relax, ill be dead and buried by then...

I live with someone who loves to get up in the middle of the night to work......id much rather be studying more pleasurable things...

We were having a conversation about how i felt ,and why i was so down and out it came, the reasons i was trying to find for that empty feeling that grows bigger by the day... i think i finally discovered why ..

Its a feeling of not being in control of my own life, I'm getting frustrated and wanting that part back that's being killed off .......

I'm not feeling positive inside, its not the fact that things have been hard, as long as i feel like i am control of my life I'm OK... but its feeling out of your dept and not being able to explain it...

I'm one of these people that value simple things, sitting on the beach or feeling the sun on my face, its priceless to me, the rest is just food and bills that enable us to live freely, and i don't want anymore than i am already lucky enough to have already, if the bills are paid and you have enough to eat live and enjoy yourself why lose out on the good stuff .......

I watched my aunt work to live, she became a multi millionaire true, but it didn't bring her happiness, in fact it brought her sorrow, her husband got ill and took himself to bed and never got up again, all their lives they said how they would work for their retirement, but he never did, so all their life was missing out on the good things to then end without experiencing them...

I don't want that, i want to enjoy every minute as i go along, so if it all went tomorrow at least id go smiling inside, i 'll do the work but also switch off and get back to basics, its a balance.....

I think the work needed now is self worth......... its pretty low at the moment on my list...

and needs to now take priority .........