the visitor

What a journey this week has been ..........
Ive had so many feelings emotions and experiences its untrue !
i seemed to have crammed in an emotional roller coaster ........
don't get me wrong i love a challenge...... its what makes me tick !
if someone says i can't do it , i will .....that's what drives me..
I'm kind hearted inside but have always found it easier to show a thicker skin ..
too many people walk over you if not , and Ive done my stint as a doormat....

Today has brought back a few feelings i had suppressed i must admit,
the last time i lived by myself i was going through so many changes it was hard .
but looking back, strangely enough it was so valuable to me ...

today i had a visitor ......... a non invited guest ...


totally out of the blue ......... an old long term partner ( and ill use the words carefully here)


i just stood there speechless (which is unusual) ....... and its just about finished the week off nicely ....


instead of his usual 'babes' manner as he used to call me ... he used my name ! i didn't realise he knew it, after all id only been with him 9 years

and came to ask my advice !!! yes honestly.........


not many people surprise me, they may do at first but the novelty usually wears off when i discover my people skills have been totally mislead again ,

but today i have been surprised........ by myself .....

there sat a man who i used to be terrified of , i would hear his keys in the door and disappear into my inside shell, back to puppet mode, as i knew whatever i said or did would be wrong,
so it was just a matter of waiting for it to come, which it did ...

its no use arguing it would just make the anger worse so you would hope he would be drunk enough to pass out or miss, its not a nice thing to talk about i know, but too many people are scared to say what happens.......... I'm not ..........

what makes a man want to physically beat a woman, what kind of feel good factor does it give them, in all the years i knew him he never once had a go at a bloke ?


i was walking down a road with him once after work and this chap coming from another direction came towards us, he must have known tom (that's what ill call him) as when he got to him he spat straight at him...... id never seen this chap before, but tom had !
he was now living with toms last ex girlfriend before me ... and no doubt had strong feelings towards him.

i didn't say a word i carried on walking, and without a word muttered we went home quietly until we entered the door, i can remember trying to hit back then nothing more, waking up in a hospital bed with a damaged kidney , broken arm and ribs,black n blue in so much pain , but not knowing what the hell happened? or why .....

i was told his friend had came to visit and i was passed out in a pool of blood with him sitting there staring, drinking black coffee .... he hadn't rang an ambulance id been there a while ..

he never visited me for weeks in hospital , his guilt (or lack of it) wouldn't allow him to see what he'd done,

this happened on many occasions and i went through several sessions of counseling from nice ladies all trying to help me so i would leave him,


everybody could see what was happening i was definitely hitting a downward spiral in life,

and felt i couldn't get out, he always said he'd kill me if i left and i believed him.

i later found out from the police that he had already served 3 years for rape at knife point of his last ex girlfriend who just happened to be carrying his unborn child...
i was lucky in that manner at least and had the sense not to go down that road, it would have meant being tied to him for life....

it took me a long time to grow and understand why i was with him and build enough strength to get away, 2 years after i left him he was still hounding me daily and drove over me in a car park, when i did eventually start to venture outside .......... why ?
why after all that time did he not move on and build his life with another doormat !! he had one at the ready my cousin !! it was loss of control .................. his control ........ of me ...

how ever much i didn't like him, i did like my cousin and she didn't know any better, i did try to warn her, but he was so very clever at hiding his real self ,

and i suppose i was looked in view as his ex .......... so she believed him ..
if he was that bad why would i have stayed with him for so long........

I'd often asked myself that ! ..........

I'm glad i stayed in touch with her, as at least i got to see what happened to him, she doesn't leave him though, just visits me when she needs help , what she wants is a shoulder to cry on, and some understanding, and i know how she feels inside, she will leave him, but in her own time, its not as easy as people think when you have nothing left of yourself , you feel you deserve everything , its your fault somehow ....

life has a way of making us turn into who we're supposed to be, I'm still growing into that person, i always hoped was in there, and I'm enjoying every minute of it .........

today there he sat in tears ! but instead of hating him i felt so very sorry for him.........
he hasn't found his way in life,never will , so frustrated he goes round in circles making the same mistakes time after time......loosing his control of what he seeks to control ...

the fact that he doesn't know what he does wrong , astounds me .....

here sits a man who cant possibly measure up in a mans world, so he picks the weaker physical sex to measure up to, the fact that he can hurt, push and demand what he wants makes him feel more powerful, like the man he always wanted to be and cant...
as in a mans world hell never measure up .. hes weak pathetic and totally lost, sooner or later his women get stronger by how hes treats them and he looses ........

you get to that turning point that there is nothing left in you and its then your time to decide which way you want to go, do you really want to die at his hands ... you honestly believe there is no life left for you ... you just hope ............

you couldn't be more wrong, if you could see what i could see today, you would think again ....
I saw one clear thing from him today ......... a broken weak old man ..

all the things i wanted to ask i didn't, and instead of getting upset , i gained strength by the minute,
although what was past is past, but if i could help him see what he does, it may just help someone else ? ............wrong ! .......... he doesn't listen , he wont change ...

he cant get over the fact of who i am now, i got the , you didn't look like that when we were together !! correct ... i was a punchbag most of the time never allowed to wear a skirt , makeup or have any kind of mind of my own .... i was what he turned me into ...a shell ....

he still doesn't understand that , ............. some people never learn ...

he was a real looker when i met him, and youth made me look on the outside not where it mattered as on the inside this man was so ugly, no compassion, no guilt , no love ........ nothing except himself and his need to control .... he would pick us young, fresh to mould into what he'd make us, with no opinions .....

this was a man i was so scared of, yet today i sat with him without fear in fact i wanted to punch his lights out, but i will not hold hate, remorse and bitterness like so many do ... or that would make me ugly inside .........

so Ive learned from what i experienced and have learnt many good qualities inside myself from it ...

you have to respect a partner and help that person grow and love them for what they grow into, the more you put into that person the more you gain ...

he carries no respect for anyone and thinks the world owes him a life ...

living with a violent partner does take away everything inside, your self respect, confidence, and personality, it ends up always with the same results ... the victim feels worthless and becomes unwanted to them so continue a life of misery and fear never for filling what they are here to do, enjoy life, or they fight back and end up using violence to protect themselves and rebel, when they get to this stage they have the strength to get away, they just need help .......
its not just women that get hit, just as many men suffer the same effects

but you have to really look inside yourself and ask yourself something ?

nobody gives a person the right to put themselves higher than you, we are all equal here....
you have to find it within yourself to grab your life and live it to the full without violence and fear everyday, theres only nothing left when you give up......so don't .........
you only get one life to live , so live it for yourself ........
if you meet someone else , make sure you are together because you want to be, not because no one else would want you .......
there really is life outside to what you think , its a different life, with no fear ..........
just to be able to wake up smiling , longing to breathe in every bit of it ........

we don't know how long we've got here, so you have to experience as much as you can, and enjoy every step ... just like the leaves on the trees it can blow away tomorrow ........

some like tom will walk round and round in circles blaming everything except what is to blame ... themselves ...
but what goes around definitely comes around and watching him cry today made me realise ...... life will hand him exactly what he deserves a life of loneliness ......

I'm so glad i didn't give up believing ....... I'm making my life one i want to remember now .......

yesterday doesn't matter, and there is no tomorrow ................. its today what counts....

start counting for you ......... enjoy every second .......... its your life ..........