See the Light

Ive come to a conclusion early this morning i want to do some painting.. pretty random even for my standards, I was going to decorate the kitchen, but I'm being pulled more into need to draw and paint direction with people.. I used to love doing portraits when i was younger.

The last 6 weeks have been much better, Ive had no more problems health wise, except for the fact i don't like how i feel at the moment.. Sluggish. That I'm going to start working on today and try to slowly build myself back up again strength wise. I haven't been riding for 2 months and miss it greatly, its the same with salsa, a couple of lessons where my fella took me gingerly. I'm feeling pretty well now so want to reignite a few sparks my health put a damper on.. My things i couldn't do anymore but want to start again..

I'm beginning to believe my fellas theory of stopping smoking could have done this to me.. I did smoke pretty heavy, I'll admit that now, the shock of not smoking could have indeed caused whats happened.. I don't regret it though, I'm glad i stopped. I feel so much better in other ways.
I brought my fella a home brew kit, when he was shut indoors looking after me and positive things have come from this spell in our lives.. One being hes bloody good at making wine now! I've become a dab hand at jams, bread and cooking in general but using only what i grow in my garden to cook with.. Its a challenge and brings such a feel good factor when you get to eat and drink what you've created.....

I never have been a wine drinker which is a shame as there's nothing my fella likes better than cooking a lovely meal and sharing a bottle, so I'm now in training to learn to appreciate its taste and share a bottle over dinner.. after all hes made it so its the least i can do.. We gave my sister a bottle yesterday as she turned up with a beautiful set of copper frying pans for me to swap for jam! they have been hanging in her kitchen unused for years so she brought then to what she called a good home! She phoned up last night pretty late with my mum telling me my fella has hidden talents.. as his wine was bloody amazing stuff..lol

Ive got this huge urge to create stuff, read, paint and go canoeing so the next month along with riding and salsa I'm hoping to do just that.

The dongle (that's what i call it) that's implanted into my chest, reminds me every morning that you really do need to make the most of every day you get. I was guilty of taking things for granted as much as the next man and thankfully have seen the light..

I've even managed to talk my fella into hiring a canoe with me and seeing how many ducks we can scare the crap out of.....

My mum is trying to rebuild her life and I'm the first person up, telling her she needs to do this, watching her get knocked back again yesterday reminds me just how selfish some people can be, but its not about those people... its all about us and what good things we can do with our time here.. Its called making the most of it and not taking anything for granted..

For me today starts with positive thoughts and a belief that things are and will, now change for the better..

Going for a walk

Yesterday was a really good day. Not as good as it could have been as Ryan didnt go, I couldnt get him and his girlfriend in the car so next year im hiring a mini bus and taking tents.
We wanted to camp but only the stall holders are allowed so im having a stall next year selling bags and belts, that way we can stay over and make a weekend of it. Paul and Kate are up for camping too. I've just gotta do this, the urge is getting worse to just grab a tent and go now..
The more i look at these festivals the more i like the thought of going to them all.. so thanks to Saturday i think im gonna have a look round and see how many more are going on.. That i can take a tent to !!
Im thinking of going hiking soon with my fella to either Ireland Scotland and the Lake District.. Everytime i see an advert on the TV for them seeing those hills and all that greenery, feels like its calling out to me at the moment.. I want to feel the wind in my hair and walk for England.... Literally, we can just stop off at b & bs along the way when we need a shower and end up where we end up... In the lake sounds appealing too.. Those places look amazing.. saturday there was a group there who played Irish folk music, i didnt know at the time but 2 were Laurens school teachers! They were bloody brilliant, I couldnt help my feet it just made you feel so happy, Happy music.. So ive asked her today so go get me his CD.. I could just see myself joining them with a violin playing away......hehe What a great thing to do..
Yesterday i spent the day cooking.. It didn't start out like that, but the kids and my fella kept going on about bread, so i ended up being slung off my computer and spending the day cooking, they were eating it faster than i could cook! The bread ive been told is the best yet! Not that i can eat the bugger..lol
Im now going to tackle the packing as the orders are printing out as i type, and im grabbing the poor dogs again for an hour and going for another walk..... They will think ive lost the plot with all these walks..

Bookworm

I took an unexpected day off yesterday and really enjoyed it! I did the packing early and made the mistake of reading an intro to a book someone had sent me the link to online......... That was it, for the day..
I was ribbed constantly by my fella as i wasn't working and do you know what? I really didn't give a hoot, it was worth it, so i ignored everyone and read the whole book! I haven't done that for years.. I used to love reading but ended up not having enough time so stopped ...........My fellas face was a picture, he just couldn't help himself and kept calling me lazy, hoping I'd bite and stop reading it.......Nope.. Yesterday i was lazy, i did what i wanted for a change, not what everyone else wanted me to do........All 103 chapters of it...hehe...
Today its the Barford festival.... I'm so looking forward to this.......
I feel strangely refreshed this morning............ Watch out world!

Positive

It was so lovely and hot last night, It felt like i was on a holiday!
The last couple of days im getting more back to normal here, it feels good. The garden is looking my kind of lovely, 3 days on the trot ive come up with a great meal from its offerings.
My fella left early with the kids so ive got the day to myself. I really hope this meeting goes well for him, its a national company and would set him off on a bloody good footing. Its important.
After saying that mum now phoned to see if i wanted some company today, she couldnt have timed it better, id love some....... I have bought paints to redo the table and furnishings in the kitchen..
I need to get past this week healthily.. Its the 5th week since the last fit which is usually the week it starts again.. Fingers crossed it doesn't happen this time around. Im feeling good and want to stay that way.....
I cant wait til it rains today.. Im wearing my shorts and intend standing outside in it later.. When you feel a need to do something then you should.. So mums gonna get a giggle today.

Sunrise

Headaches finally cleared this morning.. Thank god. I thought i was gonna miss the sunshine!
By the way where is it?
Muggins here went out watering the plants last night with one eye closed and all.... They are probably all drowned this morning out there.
The dressings are finally off properly this morning, thanks to a long bath, I can see what im dealing with now, its not too bad, just a bit lumpy. Its not hurting to move at all anymore so i must be getting used to it.. My fella had a look and said it was fine, then reminded me its gotta be cut open again to come back out! Thanks for that! Talk about cheering me up.. I have a secret recipe for scars and quick healing which i know works so will be using that now.. It doesn't hide up the fact you can see the device really clearly inside my chest, but its there to help til they know whats happening with me.... Hopefully nothing more.... I was pretty down, id stopped smoking on top of that and stranger things can happen.... It was def a low point of my life..
Its wine making day here, i cleaned the garden ready and my fellas promised he will move all the bottles from outside on the decking.. Its a mess.. hes turning his shed into a brewery today instead which will be amusing.. that means dads in the shed pissed when he disappears then!
The house is so quiet today, just Brandon and Callum in bed asleep.. Ryan's probably got the biggest smile on the planet this morning waking up on holiday with his bird.....
I'm gonna attempt a few sit ups this morning and am gonna drive myself down the tanning center.. I'm fed up with feeling and looking a mess so need to do something about it now i can move properly..
Its my fellas birthday on the 30th so i need to try and find something nice... I think at the moment all he wants is a good piss up and night away from here so I'm gonna have a look and see what i can come up with.. hes pretty low in himself as hes fat (they are his words not mine) it doesn't make any difference to me as hes still the same inside, but he doesn't see it like that.. Ive got a fucking square box shoved down my cleavage so i don't exactly feel very sexy either........ at least it wont poke into him with a bit of extra meat on him............lol
The BBQ is gonna get cleaned today and subtly I'm gonna just keep cooking chicken and salad for the next month for tea..........
Hes going back to work properly next week with Paul.. Its no good staying here just in case. Hes been doing alternate days up the office but needs to go back now.. I agree with him......

Sunsets

I feel so optimistic today, some days when you wake up, you just feel happy. Todays one of those days..
The suns shining, the birds are singing their heads off and it feels good.
Ive been out in the garden with my tea to see whats changing out there and smiling secretly to myself when i see new life peeking through.
Tonight i was hoping to go to the beach, but plans have been changed, my fella, my eldest son and his girlfriend all want to go to salsa so are taking the car.. he wasnt happy about me driving myself up waxham beach alone in case any thing happens to me when im there...
The last time i went to chant i came home so calm and happy inside, it does really make a difference. I got lost of course trying to find roses place but my fella ended up being a taxi which meant i could also have a drink.. I was lost in the chant that night, i felt like i was floating.. It was magical... So i'll wish my friends a warm summer solstice and hope mother nature brings them an amazing sunset to add to their evening.....xxx

We have started the changes to the site, which have been amusing, ive been changing pictures like a looney to load in bigger sizes but love whats happening to it so far.. Im also working on the other shop as thats next..
Im very reluctant to do photos anymore but my fellas telling me to try them, The fact that il have to sit and clone over a lump doesn't make it appealing but its like my fella says, its not in there for ever...This is only temporary........
Tomorrow im going with David for a couple of days to his sisters place to get it ready for her, my eldest has been there all week helping and cannot see what me sitting indoors is gonna do to help, as long as someones there who knows what to do its all you can do, so my fella said yes and is putting all his meetings into the next 2 days so he can do what he needs to while im away during the day. I can't wait to see what the decorators have done up there, tomorrow im taking some pictures of that quaint kitchen of hers to get some ideas for mine as its time i redecorated... Its to die for with that beautiful little range oven... Hopefully i wont though, or i'll be in the doghouse with my lot..........lol
Right back to work now.. I want to get this fnished today..its coming on a treat..

Fathers day

Fathers day has been amusing in our house today.. My fella got up at 6 to wake the boys for their paper rounds, thats usually my job so it made me laugh that the one day he should have a lie, in he gets up!
Hes really into this home brew lark now so i bought him something extra from us all for putting up with us for another year, a 30 bottle set Shiraz/Merlot red wine kit.. With the 5 demi johns he has outside filled with ginger beer and the rest of it, it should allow a few amusing slurry nights.. Im getting right into my home baking now thanks to river cottage and am getting good at it according to this lot, so ill be in the kitchen doing the food, he can make the booze.. Perfect for nights round the firepit with friends........ Although im not sure the neighbours will agree...
We are trying salsa starting on Tuesday, i can't wait to start getting out again.. Im just gonna have to be careful who i dance with..or stick to bachata..
Im asking Dayle to come up and sort my hair out this week, I had the longest bath and hair wash yesterday which made me feel so much better..But it needs cutting badly now.
I want to go see Bob at the hospital today, he did bring me up and is my dad in every sense of the word where it counts. hes managing to say yes and no now, which is good and although hes still paralysed he is making a slow progress.. Hes managed to keep breathing through 3 strokes up there and a brain hemorrhage so is an inspiration to us all.. Even when you feel theres no hope, you need to keep trying....
The kids bought Steve a bloody stupid drinking hard hat! which hes promised to wear today, he can drink away while he makes some wine........ Its time i started to drink it with him now, even the drs said red wines good for you... otherwise he will be blot toed with all that lot to drink.. My garden is home to a brewery and Mediterranean salad garden which looks and smells lovely... Im like a child out there every morning seeing what i can put with dinner growing....
Ive been doing my own olive oils here with chilli and garlic and all sorts of herbs, the difference it adds to the cooking is briliant.. Ive got orders for the next batch and shit loads of jam orders waiting... I knew i liked growing things and cooking but i didnt realise just how much everyone else likes me doing this.
Its not been nice being shut indoors all the time, but i guess thats the positive i can take with me on this, ive experimented and really found something i like doing, growing stuff and then creating gorgeous meals to use it up with, its that feel good feeling you get seeing everyones faces when they munch away happily, knowing you made it from nothing..... Ive got a greenhouse full of nearly ready cucumbers which bring a smile to my face every morning when i see how big they are getting...........how sad is that! lol

After The Rain

How good is it to see some rain out there, everyone moans but the garden needs it badly, the farmers are depending on this coming. Laying there last night i couldn't sleep, so i just layed there listening to the rain, it was lovely.
I wanted so much to go to the party last night but my fella said no.. He knows its hurting even when i do try to hide it, its bruising from inside out everytime i move, it is gonna take time to adjust to this, im telling my body to accept it but its a pretty big lump for it to ignore, sleeping im fiding most difficult as it burns like mad everytime i turn over, so i was thankful to the rain last night for keeping me company and allowing me some time to think...
Im positive they will sort out my problem, so need to stay focussed now..
Mareks working on my site either this week, ive given him a list of what i want changed and cannot wait to see the look of it, its so dated now, so time that changed.. Everything changes.............
Some changes are not always for the best i accept that, but ive got to now only worry about the things i can change ... Not the things i cannot....
The last couple of months although have knocked me back, have also helped me find that voice i couldnt seem to find when i needed... Things i cannot change i will walk away from, and not loose sleep over. I spent so much time worrying about things i could never do anything about, for what? learning to just worry about just those things i can change... makes sense...
Ill accept whatever comes in the other format and move on..
I did paint my nails last night, for the first time in ages, id been putting it off in case i was rushed back to hospital ( they cant read through polish on the machine) so i simply stopped painting.. just in case.. its madness! Fuck that! Im not living like that anymore......Whatever is meant to happen, will......
I can change today and enjoy every moment of what it brings.. so thats what im doing, even if it means ive been stuck in for a while, ive learnt new things while im in here..which will make this summer an even better experience..
That old rain certainly helped wash some haze away up there last night.. I feel im back on track mentally and want to get myself well, so physically i can do what i want to do again...... Theres so much out there i intend to do yet...
Everything does always look better after the rain, all bright and glistening , filled with fresh hope and wonder.. Or is it my eyes are just seeing clearer for the good old downpour...
Perhaps thats what we all need sometimes, a night of listening to mother natures soothing sounds , washing away old thoughts and feelings, so we can look forward again to see the world for what it could be..... rather than what has been.......

Limited

Yesterday was a good day. My fella had shit loads to do he worked all day and all night bless.. he must be knackered today.. Hes got 4 important meetings today so im spending the day alone. Im nervous but have to do this.. for his sake as well as my own...
I used to love my days on my own, i could work paint and do all those bits i enjoy doing,I got over the first lot of problems and went back to life as normal, but i must admit the last lot has left me nervous to do that yet.
I was hoping my mum would come up for an hour or so but no such luck.. shes out shopping looking for furniture for her new flat she hasnt got yet, everyones quick to say "let me know if you need anything", but when you do need someone theres never noone there... lol..
I should have known better for hoping.
This implant thingy isnt nice, the wound is healing nicely but its so fucking big in there it sticks into something inside everytime i move.. bending forward manages to hurt the most as it smacks into my collar bone, I hope this isnt how its gonna feel and hope its only til it heals properly.
I'd love to get back dancing and riding so i can feel more positive, sitting in this place is doing my head in... Im getting through editing today so it doesnt keep looking at me unfinished..but my hearts not in it today if im honest.. Its so lovely out there i keep thinking about the beach and going for a walk, but ive promised ill not do anything stupid..
I feel like ive been dragged through a hedge backwards, my hair is making me feel like shit, I need to sort myself out so i feel better but am not allowed a bath til tomorrow... its the first time in years ive not painted my nails and kept myself pruned and it does make you feel like crap.. I need to find that ' you'll soon sort yourself out girl mindframe.....and think positive
Im going to salsa tomorrow so my fella can get back dancing, its agua on friday and one of the best party nights going, which is gonna be a shit, how im supposed to sit there all night and not dance is beyond me.
It says you can go back to normal activities around 10 days after the op as soon as swelling goes down and stiches are clean..but as the drs said i needed more meat on me to cushion round the implant so im starting to believe that salsa as i know it, may not happen for a while yet..im seeing the dr again tomorrow so im gonna speak to him and see if theres anything i can do to help myself more..
Half of me wishes id have one of these siezures quickly so this thing can do its job and they can take it out, the other half hopes i never have to experience one again.... It could be a day or a year waiting like this so im gonna have to get used to it being in there.. it can stay in for 18 months so i need to shut up moaning.. its there to help and thats how i have to look on it..
Id love to just get in the car and go for a drive today....... i really miss those simple things.......
I get enough warning when these start that i can get myself on a floor or stop what im doing so im hoping the dr says i can get back to some kind of life again.. Its my fella ive felt sorry for, hes not ill and has to fucking sit here all the time.. I love my home but i dont love being shut in it !

Torn

Sometimes as much as i dont want to, i cant seem to help myself.. its been like that this morning..
Im just back from going with my fella to see the dr, this time its for him.
Since ive been ill hes not feeling so good in himself, i know its worrying about me and the fact hes trying to hold everything together here, i feel so reponsible for everything falliing to bits, im not myself at all at the moment.
I honestly think he would be better off away from here now.. one of us feeling like this is bad enough, two just isnt fair..
The kids are getting older, less dependant and i know if i was left alone id have to sort this out. At the moment im an emotional mess with a head full of questions i have no answers for today.
My chest is fucking sore, yesterday was such a drainer.. I thought they would cover me up a bit but instead i watched them do everything as its gone in my upper chest.. emotionally i wasnt prepared for how it made me feel inside and how scared i was on that table.. I counted everyone of those 30 stictches go in, hoping on each one that would be the last ...thinking to myself, whats gone in has to come out ......
The nurses kept asking why i was on my own, i was the only person in there who didnt take someone with them. but ive got to the point where i dont want anyone there to see that shit happen, it affects them just as much, its probably better if they do ignore this.. I dont want to make him ill and im simply not myself at the moment............

Ready

What a giggle today has been. Mandy and Deon have been up and we have been having such a giggle. I've had my pre op this morning and am cooking meals ready for this lot, my sisters taking me into hospital as my fellas working but he will be able to pick me up if they let me home..
My fellas sense of humour is on top form, even Mandy says she would have thumped him by now, but if thats what gets him through this, ill happily take the hype..... he looks a lot worse than i do at the moment, im concerned hes not taking this as well i hes making out.. Hes got a huge stye come up on his eye, and looks like hes got the worlds weight on his shoulders... Hopefully once this ops done tomorrow we can both have some time to ourselves again.. its not good to be together 24/7 like this... hes like a caged animal poor sod..
We have a party to go to this sat at our friends in sutton and im aiming to go although he doesnt think we are.. I know i cant dance or drink yet, but theres no reason my fella can't, After 10 days i will be able to go back to leading a more normal life again ... im going back to riding and salsa and making the most of every minute i can......
I had my heart scanned yesterday which was a relief.. (yes they did find one!)
Its as strong as hell and perfect according to the dr, theres no damage whatsoever with that.. This is an electrical problem by the looks of it, somethings telling the heart to stop..
Roll on tomorrow.. hopefully this will give everyone some answers and relief then once its in....

Calm

Yesterday went well, we were up the hospital nearly all afternoon but it was worth it, I had emailed this lady specialist a couple of weeks back and she insited i would be seeing her and not her understudy so i didnt mind waiting. She was worth the wait and really lovely. She wasnt amused the things she asked the hospital to do hadn't been carried out while i was in there previously and promised she will be working with me until im sorted out. I was given the date of the 12th July for this operation but she said it was too long to wait after the amounts of fits i have had now, she filled in forms and told me she wants it done this week, so i am to sit by the phone and wait for a call... Shes not messing about thats for sure. I havent got much faith in the NHS left after the last couple of months but she was really good and helped restore some.
The hospital now phoned and my operations at 12 this Thursday.. I have been told that my sister cannot come with me now as i may need a general anesthetic and not a local.. not going to know apparently til the surgeon looks at me and knows where hes putting this device in ? I hope its a local.. I want to be able to come home.. not good at staying in that place...
Its taken 6 weeks to see this specialist but shes been on the ball today and doing everything she said she would do..
I did half the dress photos at nannies this weekend so im gonna see if my fella will do the other half tomorrow afternoon now, i know he will moan and say no but.. these need to be done as the whole section needs sorting out and redoing, the ones we did i am really pleased with and dont want to do half a job, I can just sit then and sort out that section while i heal from Thursdays op without worrying i have stock there not photoed.. Im not sure whats going to happen once this is done, its a case of wait for the next seizure and then they will know what to do with me.. so i need to prepare if i cannot do photos anymore or need further surgery, i will have time then to get my model in.. ive already got one lined up ready, whos happy to take over..... I'll then be the photographer until Ryans ready, hes doing a photography course at college and cannot wait to get behind the camera taking photos of pretty models... lol
I may do some cooking this afternoon and see if i can get some meals ready here..

Learn

Decided to play dot to dot last night with the ambulance guys, another morning of waking up covered in heart monitor stickies.. they asked me to leave them on overnight in case i needed any more call outs.. I hate this.
Im torn between the devil and the deep blue sea. My fella said as soon as i started to feel unwell i have to let him know, the packing took me all afternoon, i was really tired by the end of it and really grouchy, one of the parcels wasnt paid by paypal and a couple of important letters were in with my book so i couldnt send the kids with the parcels as normal, there were too many for them to carry, so my fella said we would go together, i just wanted to sit down by then, and couldnt.. As soon as we returned and pulled up in the drive i started to feel unwell, the blood just drained from my arms and head again like emptying a swimming pool quickly, I just sat there shuddering with cold.. I came in layed on the sofa and hoped it would go away, all the way through my fella kept asking me should he call an ambulance, he was really not helping me relax, he wants them to be here when i get these so we get ecg readings, but i dont know if its gonna be a full blown one or like last nights milder form without the chest pain.. you get about 10 seconds of that pain starting and and being unciousous thats all.. its so hard for him i know, but i have to keep calm not panic, I really dont know if its gonna escalate or not til it happens.. Thankfully last nights episode did leave.. The ambulance crew were bloody brilliant and sat here with me til he finished his shift, they wanted to take me in but said the same things likely to happen again, ill be sent home until i see this specialist on monday. The ambulance crew are better than the hospital guys by far.. I got upset which i dont normally do with these but they really helped to calm me down and reassure that he was here with me whatever .. He also showed my fella not to panic or stress me out by keep asking me whats happening... That could indeed make these worse and escalate them .. I keep asking him to just sit with me and hold my hand, im trying to stay calm and find a nice place in my head, if you sit there waiting and reporting back every second of what it feels like, surely thats concentrating on the wrong parts... Im sitting in my woods surrounded by blue bells in my head, feeling the breeze on my face.......... and thats how i need to think..

Counting

6 today to go! I don't normally look forward to seeing a specialist but im hoping this lady on monday will answer a few questions we both have, It will also give my fella some peace of mind when this implant is in as he wants to know what he does when i do go out cold is right.. I look on it as it must be or i wouldnt be here writing a blog...
We took the kids to the charity day yesterday, well the afternoon part anyway, they loved it, we didnt do the whole day as it would have been too much.
I didnt do any classes but at least my fella could, that made me feel much happier, as i felt i wasnt stopping everything then for everyone else.. Lauren made a friend and the boys even did tbe regaetton so a good day had by all. I had a few dances when we went back last night for the evening party but kept it sensible.. Its amazing so many men asked me, i didnt think anyone would once they knew id had another seizure but they are good buddies and did.. That made me feel not quite as much the fuck up as i feel at the moment..The stupid part is everyone keeps saying how well i look.. its sods law..
Today im catching up on the packing as i didnt post out Friday and wished i had of done now.. My little helpers are Lauren and Callum, reluctantly by the sounds of it .. whats the betting they get wrong before the first parcel is packed!
They think as soon as they do one job that, that is it for the day, its taken some serious work for my fella to get it into their brains that they need to all do their share everyday.. Making their own bed doesnt count for taking the pressure off mum, although i think in their eyes it does...lol
I noticed a few smiles coming from the girls at that point...lol

Close

Its been a really nice weekend. We had friends round last night for dinner and my fella cooked, I got to do the sweets and thoroughly enjoyed the night. I feel so close to my fella at the moment its bloody lovely.. This has definitely made us both think and realise how right we have got some things,... Hes told me in no uncertain terms i'm not going anywhere.. Ive already been warned with the car battery charger if i don't behave.
I never thought he would take this very well and although its incredibly hard for him hes been such a gem, no matter where i am, hes always close just keeping an eye out..
So far ive had a clear week, i need to try and better last months score of 5 weeks and somehow work out whats causing these. I cant stop living because im frightened somethings gonna happen, I know its highly likely but i also believe that no matter what, as long as i have the will to live, my fella will get me round... he wont give up he loves me too much.. So i want to try and live as normally as we can here..

This afternoon/evening we are heading for Anglia square and to the cinema. I promised the kids id take them to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 two weeks ago and the poor buggers didn't get there.. Hopefully today will allow me to change that.
Its the big bank holiday charity day tomorrow at Acle. we are going!We are taking the kids with us during the day and going back tomorrow night with our friends- if im well enough.. Im really looking forward to this and thinking positively again now thankfully.. It does take time to heal from these and find that warmth again so you can wake up smiling, looking forward to the day ahead..

hopeful

I've been deep in thought today.. I just want my life back so much..
Simple things like watering the plants feel impossible today, im so tired physically, mentally im shut in a body thats not capable of anything other than wanting to sleep... come on energy where are you?
The kids are brilliant and keep saying we will get through this, my fellas being really good but must be doing his nut inside, he doesnt like it if i got a headache let alone all this shit. Hes hiding it well..
The heart specialist phoned back this afternoon they are implanting the micro chip into my chest on the 6th June to tape my heart ..This will stay in until they find out whats stopping it..
Ive also got to see a neurologist to find out if theres any connection in the bad heads i was getting and these attacks now..
Its stupid to some people but waiting for it to come everyday will kill me inside, i want to be as normal as i can be and not be wrapped up in cotton wool in between. It wont stop it happening, but it will just stop me from living and thats not what life is about..
David thinks i will start to feel a bit better tomorrow, im praying hes right.. to be fair he usually is.. He is sitting with me tomorrow afternoon while my fella goes to this meeting he keeps putting off..
I heard them talking this afternoon, they thought i was alseep, David and my fella aren't telling me everything that happened when i was unconcious, i heard that much...
Hopefully the specialist's will do something now between then and sort me out..

Will to live

Its the first morning ive got up on my own for a couple of days, its my favourite time of the day Its so peaceful.
My fella spent most of the day on the phone yesterday, he was brilliant. He managed to get me another dr as mine is always on maternity leave, ive got the one i wanted who is now in the process of what he calls sorting out the neglecting hospital. We have complained to hospital ourselves and apparently a lady is also working to sort out the missing loopholes that i seemed to have fell through.
As my drs not been in surgery for 5 months ive been seeing locums, a different one everytime, none of these guys had the sense to push the hospital for appointments for me, it was simply left of course. if you dont need antibiotics they dont seem to do much..
Ive gone for my sisters dr who i knows has looked after her really well, he knows whats been happening with the family already and is happy to take me on.. Im so relieved... I dont know whats worse knowing nothing is being done to stop these or waiting for the next.
I sent for paperwork last week which has now arrived, so will be spending a few days filling in what looks like books with my fella. I can get help now to take away the stress of paying next months rent, normally id say no and carry on working, this time im saying yes and taking some time off.... The trouble is here that the bills still come, my fellas income still isnt enough and i have to work to keep them paid! Noone works because they want to.. I certainly dont.. A life of poodling about in the garden sounds bliss to me but with 4 dependants who are now all in high school and growing like mad, needs supporting.. They are going to put me on sickness benefit as my only income at the moment is my work.. no work, no food simple as that..
My fella managed to speak to the heart specialist yesterday in cardiology.. she was totally unaware of course that her wishes were not carried out while i was in there, so has rushed through an appointment for me, its not brilliant as its not until the 6th June and ive got to get through until then, but we are on as urgent and first in if theres any cancellations.. she only works 2 days a week and theres a bank holiday of course!........ lucky her i say,  she doesnt have 4 kids and a house to keep obviously then...
My fella wont let me out now even to the shop, it does knock the stuffing out of your confidence so i understand how he feels, he keeps going on about the night he went out on his bender and that he thought i was ok now.. we both did.. Im not ok so.. no salsa, no riding and no work... Its such a shame as im loving my dancing but i wouldnt wish that on the class if i did go down so will have to stay away until i know im not going to hit the deck..I was tired on Saturday we had been round our friends Friday night which was really chilled out and nice and i didnt drink, but Saturday morning my fella wanted to go carbooting and to a farmers market and it was really hot.. It was a busy week last week and i dont think my body coped well with it all by the time it got to saturday night.. I fell asleep at tea time to then wake with a terrible headache.. I havent had one of those since i quit smoking so i should have known something wasnt right..
My grandparents are really upset, nanny wont come to see me but rings everday at least twice, mum says shes worrying herself silly.. The ironic part is i felt so well the last month so what the fuck is causing this problem i dont know? They are also looking into my brain now as well as my heart and going to check for what i imagine as tumours, i did have a really severe headache on Saturday before i had the fit.., They were talking about implanting a micro chip to constantly monitor my heartbeat until they can catch one on tape.. Another bloody implant on my chest then.............Great!
Not a pleasant thought knowing im gonna experience it again but i know thats its highly likely now.Everytime it comes I can feel the life draining out of me  im telling myself to 'keep breathing' as i go.. The only good part is you dont know or feel anything else after that, just relief when you wake up knowing im not dead yet ......
My fella wont go to work anymore, hes here with me now until this is sorted out..

Stopped

Just back from another night in A&E.....
I had another seizure last night, the worst one yet according to my fella.
 He had to do CPR on me, to get the heart working again., it wasnt going to restart... When i did come round i didnt know who anyone was..
The hospital is useless and the dr admitted to us last night that unless i have one of these seizures monday-friday 9-5 they cannot do anything to stop them, as everythings closed up there at weekends and evenings.. We have been told from last nights Dr to phone up cardio tomorrow and scream,..
My arms are bandaged up from endless attempts to get canulas in, my fellas worried sick im gonna die so cannot leave me on my own.. They have told him to stay with me at all times now.. Poor sod.. how much presure is that to put on him.. Last nights episode scared the crap out of him. I feel like an elephants sat on my chest today..
My kids watched me on that bathroom floor being pumped back to life by my fella and the ambulance crew, how can the hospital be so useless.. Its not the staff that are there, they have too much to do.. its the wankers that can sort this out but they are too busy with their sports cars at weekends and dont work.. These guys get all the NHS money and do fuck all themselves anymore.
Reminder to oneself Jo.. Please try and not have any more seizures at weekends....
Ive got orders coming in! so my fellas gonna have to do my work this week on top of look after me..
Hes now scanning the net in the hope we can find some answers to this..
My blood pressure was the best its been in years so i know the juicing and drinking loads has really helped, i felt fine all day and night yesterday until i went to bed, then it came...
Another week back to living on edge not knowing if more are coming.. I had just started to get some confidence back then it starts again....

warmth

Last night was really good.. I have never seen my fella dance so well, he was bloody amazing.
Its definately been a busy dancing week but helped when you're trying to stay positive.
We did say we were only going to do every other night which has gone out of the window, we have only stayed in one night so far, but we have now got a posh ball to go to Saturday night ontop..Its a guy i did my firewalk with and his birthday party, its at a really posh place so im pannicking as usual.. They even have a F1 car there for the guests to have a go at!! I like the guy as he was my walk buddy but hes part of my fellas business community so im really pleased he asked, I didnt know who he was from adam, when i did the walk,  but in my fellas world hes the alan sugar.. That really made me giggle as i remembered the guy had flip flops on the last time i saw him..  He must be the long haired hippy version then..lol
Free vodka and food all night was enough for me to say yes.. Ive asked my fella to pick my dress so i dont even have to worry about that.. Word of the week will be 'whatever'... Being up that hospital so much has changed my outlook on a lot of things now....
Im blackmailing the kids this week with dvds, take aways and pocket money as i feel bad ive been out so much, but im feeling good this week and intend making the most of every minute im feeling like this..
Tonight we are round our friends for a meal and overnighter, i have no idea if these guys can cook but am looking forward to finding out.. All i know is i like them as people so thats a really good start..Im not gonna worry about something that wont happen unless i want it to.. Im quite capable of saying no... or yes for that matter, its my choice..
Sunday ive promised the kids i will take them to see the new pirates of the caribean film so as long as i rest up today its gonna be a good weekend. I have a whole day to relax, which sounds amazing to me.. I'm posting out monday and saying fuck it today to work.. the sun is shining so why not! ill put it on a special and noone will know any different, except me tonight when ive had a day off....blisssssss
 We have made so many friends at Acle and lingwood its really lovely to feel so much energy and fun ..
It is true about feeling alive inside.. when i let the grief and stress get to me it feels like im being dragged down physically as well as mentally, this week even with all the grief and sorrow im managing to feel the warmth again..

Changes

Another week started and im still here! Thats a pretty amusing thought to have but very true!
My fella took me out yesterday near Stalham to a car boot which i must say, i really enjoyed. We started with breakfast out in a little cafe and just stayed out all day doing all sorts or random stuff, it was a really good day. I went up to see Bob in the afternoon and came back to watch my sorts of dvds and just chilled out.. I had to smile as he would never watch chick films like Burlesque but did this time, without moaning..lol
Im panicking today looking at this place but not allowed to do it.. i've promised... and as i woke up feeling like im pissed again im keeping that promise..Riding is a no no sadly..
I've been keeping a diary of these episodes and they are coming exactly the same time as last months were, to the day, one week after my period finishes...I get a week where i cannot stand up without looking like a piss head.
Im hoping this week my body will go back to some kind of normality.. I have things planned starting tonight at bachata class.. its not high energy dancing its more like slow and sexy.. im really looking forward to it.
We had invites to go out every night this week which i was a bit worried about.. so have agreed to do every other night all being well instead, hes worrying as he says i look ill and has refused to leave me to go to work but ive lied today and told him i feel much better.. He wouldn't have gone over wise and cannot sit here all day just incase i collapse.. If i go i'll go regardless, ill just make sure i get down on the floor quick!
Hes working on the kids now and making them do all the housework when they get home from school, Ryan always has helped its the other 3 that dont...I went to bed early and could hear him calling them down one by one last night to talk to them..
My drs signed me off work now saying im unfit to work so hes trying to sort out what to do from here.. My big sisters on call to do the packing from next week if i need her..
He cried Saturday saying he doesnt want me to die and telling me ive got to fight this...... I am fighting..
I got myself one of those E cigarettes that i carry around with me.. its not clinically classed as smoking but it will give me nicotine .. Until i know whats causing these its advisable.....My fella took the piss at first until these fits got worse, now hes agreeing with it......as a security precaution..
I dont think it was the stopping smoking, as i had the pain a few months back when i was still smoking.. I think too many years fighting and living with stress levels most people wouldn't understand, hurt more than i thought... Im worn out and need to take some time off ..hopefully without surgery involved but i dont know that much yet, ill do what i have to or i wont be here to argue with them..
Like Sasha said, time for a lifestyle change Jo.......... Yep, my fellas adamant and will be changing with me on this though.. Work aint gonna come first anymore, its had enough off us... he wouldnt go at all last week and just said fuck work when anyone phoned.. but it will take a few weeks to sort out all the paperwork needed here and get some help, the stress hes carrying at the moment is visable... so im trying to help him by sending him out.... I have a neighbour up the road who cannot run! on call if i need help i just have to ring, its like something off faulty towers... bit like the NHS service really.. 2 weeks waiting to see why your heart stops beating and you have brain seizures...... good job its not life threatening then..........lol

Lifestyle changed are needed now... so we are gonna do just that and change everything......

Living Doll

Oh my word do i ache this morning.. It was equal numbers last night and such a good night. Reminder to oneself 'Do not wear a stick on bra when dancing as you get hot and it peels off'......lol

We are making loads of new friends there, its a completely different group that goes to acle and we both really like them.

Every ones making jokes about me and my fella going to bachata classes as separates, he wants to go with Elaine so Ive been sorting out my partner,its one of the sexiest dances going so it should be a laugh.. There will be a few raised eyebrows im sure..As long as the bad boy DJ doesnt turn up it shouldn't mean divorce yet... Elaines lovely and is getting my fella into a dance he said he wouldn't do so im happy about this..Hes comfortable with her which you need to be for this one.. You learn more by dancing with other people, we can then dance together and both be surprised, nothing worse than knowing every move before its coming.

Gerry is helping me learn bachata at acle which seems to be working well, hes so tall im really having to work hard but loving all this learning..

I seemed to have lost the weight i put on so i guess its down to eating more now im back dancing, I need to make sure i keep well .

Tonight we are going to Pam's class at farmer browns in Tombland, the venue is lovely, the guys there are all so friendly and its a smallish class which is always great, shes teaching us to use our bodies now and isolate different parts.. shes def one of the best female teachers out there and so down to earth.. we just clicked ..

Im going to see Bob this afternoon to try and stop a family row starting, my little sisters under so much stress at the moment so im going with her so i can talk to her alone.. Bob was unconscious again all day yesterday.. Im praying he hasn't had another stroke.. I need to get across to Becky that this isnt a week or two of hospital visits, we are talking months here, shes already looking so tired and ill.. she has mum there crying all the time, 3 young kids, and a job to cope with and needs to look after herself.. I know now the importance of that bugger and dont want her to learn like i did.

My fella wanted me to go up the city today so i could get some bits, and open a bank account but im going to go Friday instead, its my birthday so im not working for a change, i may even forget the chips on the market  and go have lunch ..lol 

The cars gonna cost around 250 quid to put right and is being done today so tomorrow ill be able to start getting out more during the day without fear that she will keep conking out.. Bless its such a good car, i haven't spent any money on her in such a long while, shes been hanging on for dear life needing these sensors..Stuart is saying she will drive like new once they are in..

Looking forward to a trip to waxham or sea palling with a picnic to watch the sunset...

Theres a salsa beach party coming up in July at wells so its gonna be the perfect opportunity to take the tents. 3 days of dancing in the sand and nights round the bonfire, its a good as a holiday by the sounds of it ... so oh yes please..

God am i stiff this morning...Gonna be dancing like a stick woman tonight by the looks of it.. I wanted to dance more as i was feeling so stiff! im feeling even stiffer now :)

Today's gonna have to start with a long hot soak..

Come on Wednesday, give everyone a good day please.....

Shine

Its been a pretty good day today! The suns shining and im motoring through the work with a smile..
I went up to see Bob again yesterday, im glad i did, he was much better than when i last saw him and even managed to squeeze my hand.. thats such good news... Mum has been taken to the drs by my big sister so they are also keeping an eye on her now.. its been a really hard time for everyone but somehow time helps us all heal..
Ive been good and not had anymore attacks since my last.. Im so pleased and will continue to look after myself better. You seem to think that no matter what shit you get you will cope, i think mentally id hit a brick wall that physically took me down with it, i knew i wasnt looking after myself and didnt care.. Ive just managed to finish my first complete box of iron pills .. im supposed to have them everyday but seem to take them just when im tired which is rather stupid, everthing else im doing is either herbal or through juicing which im finding im really enjoying now.. how the hell i can get used to and indeed love raw vegetable juice is beyond me, but i am loving it now.
Im spending my extra hours outsde in my garden growing some amazing stuff, all of which i intend to eat as this year theres nothing out there i cant eat or cook with.. its beautiful out there now..
Im starting through my gardening and dancing to feel happier inside now...
So Im going to try and horse ride tonight! Ive asked them to give me a small horse to restart with as im still trying to gain my strengh but im going to have a go and ride with Mandy...Ive really missed it.
Lifes to short to keep worrying and although it feels like theres so much gloom around me theres still a lot of good stuff to help spread some sunshine..
Its that we have to keep in mind and think ourselves lucky we are still able to enjoy it..

Aint it funny

God what a day it turned out to be yesterday. I was emotionally drained sp god knows how mum felt coming back leaving her life behind.
We made good time to gatwick so arrived at 6am, mums flight wasnt due til 8.40 so it was a case of just sit and wait. You don't half learn stuff just sitting there watching people. Theres the do'ers and the havent got a clue'ers...
I kept going over things in my head, including jump on one of those planes..Its the constant fighting that gets you down.. we need a break.
When Julie and mum came through my heart sunk.. she looked every bit as bad as Julie warned me about and stood there hugging me for dear life, sobbing her eyes out.. I felt so awful. I can feel her pain but cant help to take it away, we are not her life anymore, Lem was.. Lifes so cruel.. is life all about love?
Loving life, loving what mother natures given, loving others, loving yourself.. without that its just existance..
Driving there yesterday i heard a song i havent heard for a while.. its a strange thing but music is what will probably hurt mum the most now, every song has a memory for good or bad you do remember.
This was j-lo 'Aint it funny' I sat there silent listening to every word which really hits home...
Some things in life i do believe are fate, some paths we look at and have to make choices of which road to take in our life.. I know i would never take the one everyone else used most, i like the exitement of now knowing whats around the corner.. sadly sometimes it also brings those painful things too...

Never rains but pours

They say it never rains but it pours... Thats certainly the sentence for my lot.. How much more..
I took my monitor back to hospital yesterday morning.. Im going back up today! Not for me but for Bob this time my step dad.. he had a bad stroke yesterday.. Theres so much stress at the moment coming in from all angles i think its that whats causing all the shit for everyone. First fay at xmas, which i know affected me, next came Lem so im now sitting worrying about my mum, then came my scare which im trying to recover from and now my step dad.. hes in my ward paralysed down one side unable to speak or move...
And they say theres a god up there! My mum is flying home Thursday night and ive already been told shes in a real bad way, going to stay with my little sister who looks like shes about to keel over at anytime worrying about her mum, sister and now dad... Its not gonna be good for mum to come back to this lot.. I must not get ill and add to this caos.........
Im praying the hospital doesnt call me this week, if they do then i know im in trouble, im hoping it was just all the stress.....
I know you lose loved ones in life which is always hard, im trying to adjust to the stresses as it goes, i think ive done ok and havent allowed it to affect everyone around me, but its really getting to me today.. One person dying has so much affect on what he/she leaves behind.. Life is for living so regardless of who we lose from our everyday existance or how hard it gets, it has to go on..
Whats the betting its gonna be my mum in there next...

Wired up

Just back from the hospital being wired up.. im not sure how im gonna hide it up tonight but im going to salsa regardless.. I will just have to wear something baggy.
Its chinese for tea as my fellas bringing it home from work so today im getting the packing done and may take myself off out somewhere. I'm really looking forward to another long weekend.

I've been looking at places to go camping and have found the place i'd love to go first.. its so pretty, surrounded by woodland and a lake..
My mum keeps telling me to book up one of the salsa weekends now.. We havent been able to go before because of the kids but shes happy to move in here with them, so im thinking of booking the castle one i keep looking at longingly and surprising my fella nearer the time.. Its has a 4 poster and jacuzzis in each of the suites which i know he would enjoy... They all bring rum and carry on partying in the rooms, so its on that list of to do things and may come sooner than i expected.
The drs said this morning i can go to salsa as long as i dont overdue things tonight.. im so pleased this monitor is on, at least i can do some normalish stuff now.. if its gonna happen then its being recorded.. that in itself brings some comfort. Ive got the best specialist up there, the nurse confirmed this morning and she is confident she will sort out whatevers causing these.. Its not gonna be easy to to sleep tonight as i have wires hanging out everywhere...

Keep Pumping

My Dr just phoned to put my fella out of his misery, he went on and on about me speaking to the Dr about my next period, hes obviously worried so i did phone him. They are saying as hes read all my hospital records this morning that it is my heart stopping and not just down to blood pressure, that could trigger it but they think it could be the wiring to the heart as the records put it.. I can feel it missing beats and then going like the clappers,so im behaving myself til i get that monitor on tomorrow...
My diet seems to be helping as i haven't had any more seizures now for 9 days which is brilliant.. trouble is they need to sort out whatever's doing this, im helping myself with downsizing all the work i usually do and eating and drinking healthy.. I feel like my stomachs the turbulent sea most days as im having to drink so much water, they said it will pass and that once my body knows im going to keep drinking, it wont hold onto it so much, so i wont feel so full all the time like i do at the moment...Its hard to want to eat after you have drunk gallons of the stuff..Im not hungry at all
Today i am going to do my hair! I wanted to yesterday but if im honest i didnt feel too sharp and as im on my own here all day i have to be careful, so i sat down and didnt do it.. Ive had a few seizures where ive gone down really hard and cracked my head and body.. its taken 2 weeks for the bruises to start disappearing...I cant do photos looking like i did...
Im itching to get back riding and to salsa. I went on Thursday to see the guys and it was hard not being able to get up there and enjoy myself..I did have one dance with gerry and one with steve but wouldnt push my luck. Sharon and Steve agreed that i could go in with the beginners class as sharon's a nurse and can take care of me if i do hit the deck.. so it was a very easy layed back class.. I really enjoyed it.
Ive made Steve promise that no matter what happens if i go down again he will get my heart working, it does seem to restart itself at the moment which is great, but just in case the worst happens, i need to know he will do whats needed and not panic. Ryan said he just sat there holding me, crying shouting for an ambulance.. that's not whats needed, you have to think calm and if needed break a few ribs to get it going again, they taught me that when Brandon used to have apnea's, pain is the easiest way to get a response, short of having a defibrillator on hand... Dr bennett was lovely this morning and has told me if i get any problems today to ring the surgery straight away, he will come, as my fella has to catch a bus home.. They are saying to let this period come as normal, the monitor will tape whats happening and although it will lower the blood pressure again it should also make my heart pump faster.. they dont seem to be sure yet, whats happening just that the heart is slowing down and sometimes stopping.. Gives new meaning to being unpredictable.. Noone seems to know..
I prefer to think its blood pressure.. I can help that myself.. I dont want to go back into hospital so need to feel i can help myself here..Im doing something right as im feeling much better than i was.
Ive managed to gain 3 pounds in weight which my fellas pleased about, its probably all the lemon water im holding butI wont tell him that.. I got so sick of drs telling me im underweight as they couldnt get canula's in my arms,.. am i fuck! ive always been this way, its just everyone in those places are usually obese who have dodgy hearts.. Knowing my luck they will ask me to start smoking soon as its good for me...
Call me superstitous, but ive been carrying the little heart everywhere with me that Fay gave me just before she died.. Did she know?
She gave me a purse as she said it would help me financially, and inside was a hand carved pink crystal polished heart about the size of a 50p peice.. I keep looking at it wondering why she choose to give me that.....
Funny olde world isn't it............

Hot week

Its been a good couple of days, the weathers amazing so we have been entertaining in the garden and doing BBQs.. It was well needed.
Ive been taking it easy and day by day gaining some strength, im not nowhere near back yet to where i want to be, so am doing as im told for a change. My fellas panicking as im due on this week, hes not happy as he thinks it could pull me back down again, so wants me to go see a dr to get it stopped with some pills, im having the heart monitor fitted on Thursday for 5 days so if i end up in a heap again they will see whats happening, i think its a good time to come on as i know it will interfere with my blood pressure, so they need to see my bodies reaction to this..
You can't keep putting things off in life, if its gonna happen then it will..
Davids been such a gem from next door, hes been taking the boys with him all over the place which they have loved.. My fellas on a mission to burn down my house at the moment so i think secretly Davids keeping an eye out..lol We had him round for a BBQ and Firepit on Friday and my fella set fire to that, then last night when emptying the firepit he must have put hot ash in a box as lauren came through screaming fire... my god it was a bloody fire as well, the front drive was up in about 8 feet of flames, along with half of Davids shed! it was a biggy! he was hosing from his end, we were all like gnomes passing water from ours.. hes got gas canisters in there! after me last week and that last night my fellas getting pretty fast with his moving now..hehe
Im gonna have to paint the shed and the fence black now!
Its nice to have some kind of normality back here, the kids have gone back to school and my fellas at work, so ive been sitting here listening to music this morning pottering about, its lovely and quiet so im pretty peaceful. Ive got orders to get done today but then thats it.. housework is banned this week.. its my first week of being left alone so everyones a little apprehensive and helped to get the place sorted out..
I want to try and sort my hair out this morning, up til now i havent been able to, so its a long bath while i do it and the radio for the next hour for company..
Then I'll get the packing done.....
My fella took me to nanny and grandads new place on saturday, its right near anglia square but hidden.. all those years i lived on angel road i didnt know about this place. Its so beautiful, like a little communion set in an oasis. i fell in love with the place, it may be expensive but they have saved all their lives for this.. its well worth the money.
I told grandad to stop worrying about money, he should spend the lot now while they are alive and happy and he seemed to have listened! as soon as im well enough im doing photos there, its perfect for that, and the old dears are all looking forward to watching a photo shoot apparently....lol
I can get changed in nannies and enjoy the garden as i work.. Grandads developed a new lease of life up there, theres only 3 men and 40 women! he hes the hottie according to nanny.. they have a special key that takes them through an alley way straight into anglia square so when i go down now ill park there and use that.. Theres something really enchanting about secret passageways..lol

Bright

Im feeling so much better this morning, my hands are warm, i actually feel like my energy's coming back! There's gotta be something in these raw vegetable drinks..Im drinking so much water at the moment and really starting to feel benefits i haven't felt before, I never did drink water, just bloody tea.Even that's changed now I do still drink some but its green tea with honey now, it costs me at least a tenner a week now in honey, even the kids are pinching the stuff...
Im growing so much stuff to eat here, its all still tiny but its coming on well, looking out there this morning i cannot help but smile, im really feeling glad to be alive today.
My fella has been totally brilliant with me, i made the mistake last night of staying up later than anyone here as i was talking to my mum online, i went through to get more water and must have shut the fridge hard as the next thing i knew was steve flying down the stairs looking totally panicked.. he said he heard a thump and thought id hit the deck again..... God if i make that sort of noise when i go down i must have been in trouble..lol
he has now from yesterday gone back to work to try and put back some kind of normality in our life.. he has been making me litres of lemon water to drink in the mornings before he goes to work bless, its like the roles reversed....... He came home last night and took me to wroxham for some chips! The drs are saying to put salt on my food at the moment and up my intake so i enjoyed eating them beside the river.. it was such a beautiful night..
Im aiming NOT to hit the deck anymore and am doing what i should have done 'a long time ago'.. it took something like last week to knock some sense into my head!
looking after that 'Ferrari'(lol..) and giving it the right fuel for a change... vitamins and iron that it doesn't seem to be able make by itself from my food... my coeliac stops me getting any nutrients from food but i can get them from fluids, so its vegetable smoothies and strange drinks in between meals.... Leading up to these attacks i was sick every day for over a month and they couldnt find out why, so that leading up with mums shocking news did tip everyone over the edge.. My heart is not damaged thankfully the hospital results are back in for that so its a big relief, its blood pressure that stopped it not a broken heart.....
Today my daughter has promised to help me with the cleaning (yet to believe it though) as i havent tackled this place in 10 days so im hoping to get 'some' done today and make some bread this afternoon.. im turning quite strange, like hugh from river cottage im wanting to make everything from scratch now and loving the results of growing my own and a simpler lifestyle... Id bloody love to be his next door neighbour... Now thats one place i would move to tomorrow....
Right time to crack on in 1st gear of course.. im not aiming for 5th just yet, just taking this at a slow pace now and seeing what the day unfolds......Id love to go to salsa tonight.. perhaps ill go and watch just to say hi to everyone...

Calmness

I managed to get through ok til my fella got home last night.. Im gaining confidence now.. Its 3 clear days this morning so im really pleased..
My fella has gone to work, Ryan has gone to college, lauren is at jades and callum and Brandon are going with david at 1.. so its a stay calm day and don't overdue it Jo... Its so beautiful out there so this afternoon im gonna aim for the garden and enjoy some sunshine..
Ive got packing to do this morning which if im honest is worrying me, im not allowed to drive until the monitor is on me and theres no way i can make the post office.. so im going to take one of the boys in the shed to watch me pack and ask david to drop it off for me. The girls at the post office know whats happened so will help if they can bless...
Ive had a cheese roll, porriage, glass of beetroot juice, a vegetable smoothie and 4 pints of lemoned water which is a bloody weird breakfast but i do feel like ive got a little bit more blood in me today, my veins arent up so much on my arms either!
its just that weird constant yawning every time i get up and cold dead arms that reminds me ive got no energy to spare yet..
I want to do this today so im not scared of being left alone here..

Scared

The last week has certainly brought shocks.. None of them very nice but that's life's way of smacking you across the head and letting you know nothing is ever certain..
lem went down diving with his diving buddy for lobsters, after my mum had told him not to go, and sadly now looks like he met his end to the sea.. They don't think he resurfaced, he went down along with this other chap, the boat carried on following the buoy as they usually do thinking Lem was attached to find it had been severed.. the tide was taking the boat away from where he was of course and they didn't know.
This morning at 1am 5 days after going missing his diving buoy, air jacket and anchor came to surface along with empty air tanks but still no signs of any bodies.. Its a small comfort to my mum to think that he died quickly by drowning, rather than imagining him treading water miles out to sea for days on end until he no longer had any fight left.. I really feel for her out there and hope my big sister can help her get through such a difficult time in her life.I wish i was there with her..
We may not ever know what happened to him on that dive, but inside i think that a strong current either wedged them somewhere under water so he couldn't get out, he wouldn't have ditched his chest gear otherwise especially not his life jacket un-inflated..It makes sense that he was stuck and when left with no air just went for it and ditched everything for a last minute attempt in getting up to the surface..
My mum told me when she went to live there that if she lived another 6 years with Lem out in Tobago she would die happy, they were married for 12 but shes heartbroken as they had only just got themselves sorted out with building their house and getting the boat up and operational.. she expected that she would die first because of her age.. fate has a cruel way sometimes. Lem was only 39 years old.....
Things from my end havent helped mum much either. A couple of months ago i had a day where i kept experiencing chest pain, everyone said i was overdoing it so told me to slow down,I did in some ways, but this house doesn't allow it for long, things have to carry on and bills have to be paid. I didn't get any more after that day so presumed i was just tired or coming down for something, I was worrying about my gran-parents who were then moving into sheltered housing and upset with some things that had happened.
I have always had low blood pressure so does my mum, so just put it down to that..

last Wednesday after talking to mum on the phone about lems dissapearance i experienced what i can only explain as severe burning, tight pain in my chest, i couldn't breath and had this horrible sick feeling of a burning doom rising from my chest up my neck, I was so sweaty and ill i honestly thought i was on my way out, i cannot remember anymore after that, I woke up being held by my neighbour David with him stroking my face and telling me to breath, surrounded by ambulance men it wasnt really clear what had happened to me.. Id apparently stopped breathing for more than 2 Min's.. Sometimes its worse for those who witness, I was lucky David was there, my fella was at work. david had come to collect me for work, i was supposed to be working at his sisters house that morning! Hes always so calm which was bloody good luck he was at the door when i went down and saw me hit the deck..
I was taken into A&E under blue light which to be honest i don't remember much about, all i can remember was a feeling of feeling so horribly sick. I only had that one attack that day so after 24 hours they allowed me home saying they thought it was Addison's decease.. they took bloods to test for it and said they would consult my Dr as soon as the results were back and that i could go home if i took things easy for a few days..
They didn't think it was my heart then.. but weren't sure what happened as sometimes these things happen with no reason or cure and just sort themselves out...
Within 6 hours of being home the same thing happened again, this time with my fella totally panicking as he thought i was dead in his arms..I had no heartbeat again and no breathing for about 2 Min's...... poor bugger was scared shirtless, hes never been good if i get ill as he will usually ignore me and hope it goes away quickly, but he said he had never been so scared in his life, it really shook him up having to deal with it..
I went back under blue light but within an hour of being in there i had another seizure, my fella had gone to get me some water as i hadn't been given a drink in hospital the day before.. I was so thirsty but they kept saying perhaps later, when he did get them to agree to let me drink, he came back to find me having another seizure.. it really wasn't good.
I have never been that scared in my life.. I wasn't scared of dying, the feeling and pain you get is indescribable, you feel like its the end theres nothing you can do about it, I was just scared of dying alone..
I called and called for help, holding my chest on that bed, 3 or 4 nurses looked at me but NO ONE came.. i cannot remember anymore than
They didn't help, i sat there sobbing pleading for help. One dr looked me right in the eye to then turn his back on me and sit at his work station ignoring what he had seen.... when im feeling better im purposely going up A&E to smack him one.
My fella apparently walked in as it was all happening so could see exactly that no one was there from across the ward.. The nurses only came over when he screamed at her to 'fucking do something' by that time i was fitting on the floor as id fell off the hospital bed.
I can appreciate they get drunks, drug addicts and all sorts of not nice people in there for treatment, but the way i was treated was appalling..It was one fuck up after another for 4 days solid..
I was transferred onto the heart ward for 24 hour monitoring only to find that out of the two monitors they had one was broken, the nurse said she would sort it out in the morning and that i should try and get some sleep.. my fella hit the roof and lodged a complaint saying he was taking me home if they werent capable of looking after me properly. One lady with a clipboard came down from my previous ward panicking saying how sorry she was that this had happened to me again (2nd time in 24 hours) and assured him i would be put straight on the monitor within 5 mins... it was a joke..
I don't complain, i never have done, I will walk away when needed to not cause trouble and try and sort it myself, but when its your life on the line its not funny.. I was so glad he was there to stick up for me..
I did get a monitor after about 4 hours, they just kept unplugging me every 2 hours so they could use the machine to take the rest of wards blood pressures.. and this was a heart ward!
I had 4 more seizures on friday, 2 more Saturday morning while i was unplugged and they were borrowing the machine..
I just wanted to go home......I didnt feel safe in there..
The trouble is there were 7 levels of management up there with no communication at all between each level, my notes were lost, left on a wrong ward and i wasnt given any water, the first thing that comes up with dangeriously low blood pressure is dyhydration.. its happened to me and is happening to other people too! The lady next to my bed was holding my hand along with a cleaner on my last seizure as my nurse was on her T break and the one who was covering was with another patient! that one nurse does the job on her own now that 4 nurses were filling last year.. It says it all really.......
The heart specialist was there at one milder seizure and said my blood pressure was dropping so low it was causing the heart to spasm, seize and stop which was then shutting down my brain as it was being starved of oxygen.. so at least i know what im dealing with here and will try and help myself as best i can.. its not very nice though having to sit there experiencing that pain with the dr chatting away to his understudies watching.. not one of my best armchair moments thats for sure.
I need to get through until the 28th April, so the machine i need is available for me, to tape my heart and record whats happening... The monitors at the hospital dont record, so unless the drs there watching it happen it doesnt help them enough..
I know whats happening as i can feel it, so ive turned to the Internet to help myself..
The internet holds so much valuable information that can really help you feel better...
My dr came to see me this afternoon and says whatever im doing seems to be helping, I havent had a seizure now since Sunday morning so its a really positive move for me .. I'm trying to do a little, then sit down, til i feel well enough to do a little bit more, its slow but its working.. it is my balance and the only way i can seem to hold these off. Unfortunately work doesnt stop for illness, I still had orders to pack as well as a family to look after here.. I came out of hospital to have to pack a weeks orders, if it wasnt the truth it would actually be funny...........
I honestly wondered if stopping smoking wass what had kicked this off.. my Dr said smoking raises blood pressure, which for most people isn't good news, but when you have really low blood pressure it can help and possibly raised mine enough to take me out of the danger bracket..Then again this could have all been brought on by stress, I honestly dont know....
The ironic part is i dont want to smoke, i saw people in hospital who did and who now couldnt breath.......like fay..
Ive had 3 days of drinking neat beetroot juice, raw vegetable smoothies, and drinking 6 litres of fresh lemon water, between meals per day.. and do feel better than i did when i came out of that place... Although I'm still nowhere near where i need to be yet....Id rather be here on my own than that place full of filth and understaffed wards..Im sure you would get sicker just by being there..
Tonight is the first time Ive been left here without my fella so I'm a little apprehensive.. I decided id write in here so i don't carry the worry as the boys are already arguing with each other and stressing me out so i thought this may help me ignore them, it used to help me offload many of my feelings before so hopefully tonight it will grant me the same thing and let tonight go by without ending up back in that place..
Steve has to work, hes had a week off already and missed so many important meetings.. life cannot stop because of this, the kids need feeding and life has to carry on..
I do have Ryan upstairs to help if i call, so i am gonna try and stay calm in myself so i can let him get some kind of normality back.. This place falls to bits when im not here, there's washing all down the stairs and the place looks like a bombs hit it...
The kids Mum here needs to get herself sorted out as quick as possible, the kids have no clean clothes left mum!, theres no help as usual from anyone as there isnt anyone to help..but the other side of Jo's too fucking tired to do whats needed ...its time they all started pulling some weight here..my fella is right on that account..
My mum is flying home with Julie on my birthday in may so im trying to get myself better with some kind of a diet change to hopefully get myself well for then.. if i try and take better care of myself for a change i may be able to do this..

Physical Attraction

Its been a really good week. We have started swimming every other night. I'm being encouraged by my eldest lad, to do his ab workouts and i have to admit. I'm really enjoying myself.

Everyone gets to the new year and wants to change things, I'm no different there, no resolutions i wont keep just a positive attitude towards myself more and want to feel good.

Sunday I'm stopping smoking! I know this isn't going to be easy, I'm smoked since i was 15 but its a year on the 1st of Feb that my fella quit and as hes a year older than me Ive decided to follow suit. We went through the I hate everyone around me stages.. indeed he was leaving me at least 4 times a week, but hes through that now and encouraging me all the way.. My kids are the same.. I don't want them to smoke, but i did as both my parents did, so this is one family trait I'm cutting off.. If they smoke then its not because their mum and dad does.

I'm already putting into place things to do when i get 'het up', that's probably an understatement as I'm such a grumpy mare when Ive run out of ciggies..lol

Ive joined a health club.. am starting to feel confident enough to walk out of those changing rooms on my own in a bikini now (without vodka i should add) and am now up to 60 lengths of the pool. to then nearly fall asleep in the steam room as I'm knackered.

The men make me giggle as if they see a woman on her own they do kind of indiscreetly follow you in whatever room you are using. last week was the most embarrassing as i had literally nearly drifted off to sleep in the steam room to then be woken up by 4 guys all sitting opposite me gawping... cringe.. they could have been gentlemen and gone round the other side the room was empty but no.. no such luck..

I keep telling my fella I'm gonna buy an all in one swimsuit.. but he hates them and keeps telling me not to worry about other people.. he also threatened not to come swimming with me anyone if i do.. his highlight of the week is apparently seeing me in a bikini.. bless... that's love for you..

Hes caught in a dilemma at the moment as what age is it you look at yourself and think I'm happy as i am? hes gained some weight since hes stopped smoking, but is finding it really hard to get the motivation to exercise as he has a frozen shoulder. I know how painful its been for him as god knows how many nights sleep hes lost through this, but i keep telling him that it doesn't matter what shape he is. Ive been with him 17 years and actually am liking the little bit of extra, as i call it, on him..lol He loves good food and loves his red wine so as long as hes happy, i am too... I'm not exercising for anyone else, I'm doing it because i do want to stop smoking so am gonna do stuff i cant smoke when i do it.. horse riding , swimming, yoga... neither place will allow me to have a fag hanging out of my mouth but will get me equally out of breath as a packet of 20 does..........hehe

Start of the week

My god January is flying by..

This week hasn't been the most amusing. I ended up last Monday being sent to the wrong funeral parlour! My poor uncle was in a state so must have in his grief gave me the wrong place.

The kids and my fella all came with me to arrive at a total strangers farewell service.. What the hell can you say to that situation..

When he came up he gave me the time and place which i wrote straight down on my calender, id arranged for the flowers to go to the undertakers but never managed to go see her off and pay my last respects.... how respectful is that to go to the wrong funeral...... it could only happen to me that's for sure.

If it didn't upset me so much it would have been amusing.. it probably was to all that heard afterwards..lol

I got home in a bit of a state as i couldn't make the other parlour in time so then gave myself a migraine worrying about it, that then turned into a face ache that lasted 6 days and nights.. oh what a week its been.

The dentist thinks being run down and tired as she called it was to blame as abscesses came up on my jaw and face, Ive had teeth trouble in the past, but never as bad as these buggers have felt. A week on scrambled eggs and soup, munching down painkillers and anti biotics trying to get through and not pull my hair out.

I am missing salsa so much. Its been nearly a year since we last went. My fella worked away for 6 months last year on a roofing and cladding job and ended up hurting his shoulder, xrays have now confirmed he has what is known as a frozen shoulder so everyday we are going swimming trying to get it to thaw.. Without the use of it he can't do salsa... so hopefully if we keep doing what we are it will heal and we can get back to dancing with our salsa friends again. he keeps telling me to go alone, but i want to dance with him, not other guys. So ill wait and hope this sorts itself out sooner rather than later.

This week its head down and back into work mode. Ive been going at it really hard for the last year working solidly on the stuff that makes them work, and indeed its going well, but i know theres more i can do so am on a mission to put my heart and soul into my business.. We haven't much of a social life at the moment so i don't mind.

My fellas doing really well, he wont do any more roofing work as it was only supposed to be 6 weeks worth. But his website building and SEO side has taken off big time, so its now going to be all that he does which means i get him at home too.. 6 months without him tells me no matter how much a pain he is, i don't like it when hes not here.. According to him i have no one to moan at so get bored..lol

Tonight I'm horse riding with my friend Mandy down the stables. Out of everything that's changed in my life that has remained constant.. Every Monday I'm feeling the wind through my hair and doing something i love very much. Mondays now are my favourite day of the week..

Welcome 2011

After a much needed break I find myself here for another year, fresh hope and starting a new year.. Lets hope 2o11 brings some good stuff.

I lost a very dear friend on Christmas day, so that hit home pretty hard, so Christmas here has been a bit of a blur non entity, I felt sorry for my kids bless they had such a miserable time.

I'm looking forward to kicking up my riding and restarting salsa, its been 6 months with no dancing thanks to my fella taking a job which took him away from home for months on end.. To top that were still waiting to be paid for it! Christmas came early for this guy..

Ive really missed my salsa and hope the new year brings some sunshine now..

It was a year of operations, illnesses, work work work while juggling a house full of teenage hormones triplets who don't like each other very much and the hope that they would for once clean their bedrooms... Welcome back to life in the madhouse!

Its been too long since Ive been the brown eyed girl.. I feel more like the black eyed one looking at the bags under them this week...

I'm hoping i can change that now and enjoy a new year..

Ive missed my friends........