Limited

Yesterday was a good day. My fella had shit loads to do he worked all day and all night bless.. he must be knackered today.. Hes got 4 important meetings today so im spending the day alone. Im nervous but have to do this.. for his sake as well as my own...
I used to love my days on my own, i could work paint and do all those bits i enjoy doing,I got over the first lot of problems and went back to life as normal, but i must admit the last lot has left me nervous to do that yet.
I was hoping my mum would come up for an hour or so but no such luck.. shes out shopping looking for furniture for her new flat she hasnt got yet, everyones quick to say "let me know if you need anything", but when you do need someone theres never noone there... lol..
I should have known better for hoping.
This implant thingy isnt nice, the wound is healing nicely but its so fucking big in there it sticks into something inside everytime i move.. bending forward manages to hurt the most as it smacks into my collar bone, I hope this isnt how its gonna feel and hope its only til it heals properly.
I'd love to get back dancing and riding so i can feel more positive, sitting in this place is doing my head in... Im getting through editing today so it doesnt keep looking at me unfinished..but my hearts not in it today if im honest.. Its so lovely out there i keep thinking about the beach and going for a walk, but ive promised ill not do anything stupid..
I feel like ive been dragged through a hedge backwards, my hair is making me feel like shit, I need to sort myself out so i feel better but am not allowed a bath til tomorrow... its the first time in years ive not painted my nails and kept myself pruned and it does make you feel like crap.. I need to find that ' you'll soon sort yourself out girl mindframe.....and think positive
Im going to salsa tomorrow so my fella can get back dancing, its agua on friday and one of the best party nights going, which is gonna be a shit, how im supposed to sit there all night and not dance is beyond me.
It says you can go back to normal activities around 10 days after the op as soon as swelling goes down and stiches are clean..but as the drs said i needed more meat on me to cushion round the implant so im starting to believe that salsa as i know it, may not happen for a while yet..im seeing the dr again tomorrow so im gonna speak to him and see if theres anything i can do to help myself more..
Half of me wishes id have one of these siezures quickly so this thing can do its job and they can take it out, the other half hopes i never have to experience one again.... It could be a day or a year waiting like this so im gonna have to get used to it being in there.. it can stay in for 18 months so i need to shut up moaning.. its there to help and thats how i have to look on it..
Id love to just get in the car and go for a drive today....... i really miss those simple things.......
I get enough warning when these start that i can get myself on a floor or stop what im doing so im hoping the dr says i can get back to some kind of life again.. Its my fella ive felt sorry for, hes not ill and has to fucking sit here all the time.. I love my home but i dont love being shut in it !