6 today to go! I don't normally look forward to seeing a specialist but im hoping this lady on monday will answer a few questions we both have, It will also give my fella some peace of mind when this implant is in as he wants to know what he does when i do go out cold is right.. I look on it as it must be or i wouldnt be here writing a blog...
We took the kids to the charity day yesterday, well the afternoon part anyway, they loved it, we didnt do the whole day as it would have been too much.
I didnt do any classes but at least my fella could, that made me feel much happier, as i felt i wasnt stopping everything then for everyone else.. Lauren made a friend and the boys even did tbe regaetton so a good day had by all. I had a few dances when we went back last night for the evening party but kept it sensible.. Its amazing so many men asked me, i didnt think anyone would once they knew id had another seizure but they are good buddies and did.. That made me feel not quite as much the fuck up as i feel at the moment..The stupid part is everyone keeps saying how well i look.. its sods law..
Today im catching up on the packing as i didnt post out Friday and wished i had of done now.. My little helpers are Lauren and Callum, reluctantly by the sounds of it .. whats the betting they get wrong before the first parcel is packed!
They think as soon as they do one job that, that is it for the day, its taken some serious work for my fella to get it into their brains that they need to all do their share everyday.. Making their own bed doesnt count for taking the pressure off mum, although i think in their eyes it does...lol
I noticed a few smiles coming from the girls at that point...lol
Tuesday, May 31
Sunday, May 29
Close
Its been a really nice weekend. We had friends round last night for dinner and my fella cooked, I got to do the sweets and thoroughly enjoyed the night. I feel so close to my fella at the moment its bloody lovely.. This has definitely made us both think and realise how right we have got some things,... Hes told me in no uncertain terms i'm not going anywhere.. Ive already been warned with the car battery charger if i don't behave.
I never thought he would take this very well and although its incredibly hard for him hes been such a gem, no matter where i am, hes always close just keeping an eye out..
So far ive had a clear week, i need to try and better last months score of 5 weeks and somehow work out whats causing these. I cant stop living because im frightened somethings gonna happen, I know its highly likely but i also believe that no matter what, as long as i have the will to live, my fella will get me round... he wont give up he loves me too much.. So i want to try and live as normally as we can here..
This afternoon/evening we are heading for Anglia square and to the cinema. I promised the kids id take them to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 two weeks ago and the poor buggers didn't get there.. Hopefully today will allow me to change that.
Its the big bank holiday charity day tomorrow at Acle. we are going!We are taking the kids with us during the day and going back tomorrow night with our friends- if im well enough.. Im really looking forward to this and thinking positively again now thankfully.. It does take time to heal from these and find that warmth again so you can wake up smiling, looking forward to the day ahead..
I never thought he would take this very well and although its incredibly hard for him hes been such a gem, no matter where i am, hes always close just keeping an eye out..
So far ive had a clear week, i need to try and better last months score of 5 weeks and somehow work out whats causing these. I cant stop living because im frightened somethings gonna happen, I know its highly likely but i also believe that no matter what, as long as i have the will to live, my fella will get me round... he wont give up he loves me too much.. So i want to try and live as normally as we can here..
This afternoon/evening we are heading for Anglia square and to the cinema. I promised the kids id take them to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 two weeks ago and the poor buggers didn't get there.. Hopefully today will allow me to change that.
Its the big bank holiday charity day tomorrow at Acle. we are going!We are taking the kids with us during the day and going back tomorrow night with our friends- if im well enough.. Im really looking forward to this and thinking positively again now thankfully.. It does take time to heal from these and find that warmth again so you can wake up smiling, looking forward to the day ahead..
Tuesday, May 24
hopeful
I've been deep in thought today.. I just want my life back so much..
Simple things like watering the plants feel impossible today, im so tired physically, mentally im shut in a body thats not capable of anything other than wanting to sleep... come on energy where are you?
The kids are brilliant and keep saying we will get through this, my fellas being really good but must be doing his nut inside, he doesnt like it if i got a headache let alone all this shit. Hes hiding it well..
The heart specialist phoned back this afternoon they are implanting the micro chip into my chest on the 6th June to tape my heart ..This will stay in until they find out whats stopping it..
Ive also got to see a neurologist to find out if theres any connection in the bad heads i was getting and these attacks now..
Its stupid to some people but waiting for it to come everyday will kill me inside, i want to be as normal as i can be and not be wrapped up in cotton wool in between. It wont stop it happening, but it will just stop me from living and thats not what life is about..
David thinks i will start to feel a bit better tomorrow, im praying hes right.. to be fair he usually is.. He is sitting with me tomorrow afternoon while my fella goes to this meeting he keeps putting off..
I heard them talking this afternoon, they thought i was alseep, David and my fella aren't telling me everything that happened when i was unconcious, i heard that much...
Hopefully the specialist's will do something now between then and sort me out..
Simple things like watering the plants feel impossible today, im so tired physically, mentally im shut in a body thats not capable of anything other than wanting to sleep... come on energy where are you?
The kids are brilliant and keep saying we will get through this, my fellas being really good but must be doing his nut inside, he doesnt like it if i got a headache let alone all this shit. Hes hiding it well..
The heart specialist phoned back this afternoon they are implanting the micro chip into my chest on the 6th June to tape my heart ..This will stay in until they find out whats stopping it..
Ive also got to see a neurologist to find out if theres any connection in the bad heads i was getting and these attacks now..
Its stupid to some people but waiting for it to come everyday will kill me inside, i want to be as normal as i can be and not be wrapped up in cotton wool in between. It wont stop it happening, but it will just stop me from living and thats not what life is about..
David thinks i will start to feel a bit better tomorrow, im praying hes right.. to be fair he usually is.. He is sitting with me tomorrow afternoon while my fella goes to this meeting he keeps putting off..
I heard them talking this afternoon, they thought i was alseep, David and my fella aren't telling me everything that happened when i was unconcious, i heard that much...
Hopefully the specialist's will do something now between then and sort me out..
Will to live
Its the first morning ive got up on my own for a couple of days, its my favourite time of the day Its so peaceful.
My fella spent most of the day on the phone yesterday, he was brilliant. He managed to get me another dr as mine is always on maternity leave, ive got the one i wanted who is now in the process of what he calls sorting out the neglecting hospital. We have complained to hospital ourselves and apparently a lady is also working to sort out the missing loopholes that i seemed to have fell through.
As my drs not been in surgery for 5 months ive been seeing locums, a different one everytime, none of these guys had the sense to push the hospital for appointments for me, it was simply left of course. if you dont need antibiotics they dont seem to do much..
Ive gone for my sisters dr who i knows has looked after her really well, he knows whats been happening with the family already and is happy to take me on.. Im so relieved... I dont know whats worse knowing nothing is being done to stop these or waiting for the next.
I sent for paperwork last week which has now arrived, so will be spending a few days filling in what looks like books with my fella. I can get help now to take away the stress of paying next months rent, normally id say no and carry on working, this time im saying yes and taking some time off.... The trouble is here that the bills still come, my fellas income still isnt enough and i have to work to keep them paid! Noone works because they want to.. I certainly dont.. A life of poodling about in the garden sounds bliss to me but with 4 dependants who are now all in high school and growing like mad, needs supporting.. They are going to put me on sickness benefit as my only income at the moment is my work.. no work, no food simple as that..
My fella managed to speak to the heart specialist yesterday in cardiology.. she was totally unaware of course that her wishes were not carried out while i was in there, so has rushed through an appointment for me, its not brilliant as its not until the 6th June and ive got to get through until then, but we are on as urgent and first in if theres any cancellations.. she only works 2 days a week and theres a bank holiday of course!........ lucky her i say, she doesnt have 4 kids and a house to keep obviously then...
My fella wont let me out now even to the shop, it does knock the stuffing out of your confidence so i understand how he feels, he keeps going on about the night he went out on his bender and that he thought i was ok now.. we both did.. Im not ok so.. no salsa, no riding and no work... Its such a shame as im loving my dancing but i wouldnt wish that on the class if i did go down so will have to stay away until i know im not going to hit the deck..I was tired on Saturday we had been round our friends Friday night which was really chilled out and nice and i didnt drink, but Saturday morning my fella wanted to go carbooting and to a farmers market and it was really hot.. It was a busy week last week and i dont think my body coped well with it all by the time it got to saturday night.. I fell asleep at tea time to then wake with a terrible headache.. I havent had one of those since i quit smoking so i should have known something wasnt right..
My grandparents are really upset, nanny wont come to see me but rings everday at least twice, mum says shes worrying herself silly.. The ironic part is i felt so well the last month so what the fuck is causing this problem i dont know? They are also looking into my brain now as well as my heart and going to check for what i imagine as tumours, i did have a really severe headache on Saturday before i had the fit.., They were talking about implanting a micro chip to constantly monitor my heartbeat until they can catch one on tape.. Another bloody implant on my chest then.............Great!
Not a pleasant thought knowing im gonna experience it again but i know thats its highly likely now.Everytime it comes I can feel the life draining out of me im telling myself to 'keep breathing' as i go.. The only good part is you dont know or feel anything else after that, just relief when you wake up knowing im not dead yet ......
My fella wont go to work anymore, hes here with me now until this is sorted out..
My fella spent most of the day on the phone yesterday, he was brilliant. He managed to get me another dr as mine is always on maternity leave, ive got the one i wanted who is now in the process of what he calls sorting out the neglecting hospital. We have complained to hospital ourselves and apparently a lady is also working to sort out the missing loopholes that i seemed to have fell through.
As my drs not been in surgery for 5 months ive been seeing locums, a different one everytime, none of these guys had the sense to push the hospital for appointments for me, it was simply left of course. if you dont need antibiotics they dont seem to do much..
Ive gone for my sisters dr who i knows has looked after her really well, he knows whats been happening with the family already and is happy to take me on.. Im so relieved... I dont know whats worse knowing nothing is being done to stop these or waiting for the next.
I sent for paperwork last week which has now arrived, so will be spending a few days filling in what looks like books with my fella. I can get help now to take away the stress of paying next months rent, normally id say no and carry on working, this time im saying yes and taking some time off.... The trouble is here that the bills still come, my fellas income still isnt enough and i have to work to keep them paid! Noone works because they want to.. I certainly dont.. A life of poodling about in the garden sounds bliss to me but with 4 dependants who are now all in high school and growing like mad, needs supporting.. They are going to put me on sickness benefit as my only income at the moment is my work.. no work, no food simple as that..
My fella managed to speak to the heart specialist yesterday in cardiology.. she was totally unaware of course that her wishes were not carried out while i was in there, so has rushed through an appointment for me, its not brilliant as its not until the 6th June and ive got to get through until then, but we are on as urgent and first in if theres any cancellations.. she only works 2 days a week and theres a bank holiday of course!........ lucky her i say, she doesnt have 4 kids and a house to keep obviously then...
My fella wont let me out now even to the shop, it does knock the stuffing out of your confidence so i understand how he feels, he keeps going on about the night he went out on his bender and that he thought i was ok now.. we both did.. Im not ok so.. no salsa, no riding and no work... Its such a shame as im loving my dancing but i wouldnt wish that on the class if i did go down so will have to stay away until i know im not going to hit the deck..I was tired on Saturday we had been round our friends Friday night which was really chilled out and nice and i didnt drink, but Saturday morning my fella wanted to go carbooting and to a farmers market and it was really hot.. It was a busy week last week and i dont think my body coped well with it all by the time it got to saturday night.. I fell asleep at tea time to then wake with a terrible headache.. I havent had one of those since i quit smoking so i should have known something wasnt right..
My grandparents are really upset, nanny wont come to see me but rings everday at least twice, mum says shes worrying herself silly.. The ironic part is i felt so well the last month so what the fuck is causing this problem i dont know? They are also looking into my brain now as well as my heart and going to check for what i imagine as tumours, i did have a really severe headache on Saturday before i had the fit.., They were talking about implanting a micro chip to constantly monitor my heartbeat until they can catch one on tape.. Another bloody implant on my chest then.............Great!
Not a pleasant thought knowing im gonna experience it again but i know thats its highly likely now.Everytime it comes I can feel the life draining out of me im telling myself to 'keep breathing' as i go.. The only good part is you dont know or feel anything else after that, just relief when you wake up knowing im not dead yet ......
My fella wont go to work anymore, hes here with me now until this is sorted out..
Sunday, May 22
Stopped
Just back from another night in A&E.....
I had another seizure last night, the worst one yet according to my fella.
He had to do CPR on me, to get the heart working again., it wasnt going to restart... When i did come round i didnt know who anyone was..
The hospital is useless and the dr admitted to us last night that unless i have one of these seizures monday-friday 9-5 they cannot do anything to stop them, as everythings closed up there at weekends and evenings.. We have been told from last nights Dr to phone up cardio tomorrow and scream,..
My arms are bandaged up from endless attempts to get canulas in, my fellas worried sick im gonna die so cannot leave me on my own.. They have told him to stay with me at all times now.. Poor sod.. how much presure is that to put on him.. Last nights episode scared the crap out of him. I feel like an elephants sat on my chest today..
My kids watched me on that bathroom floor being pumped back to life by my fella and the ambulance crew, how can the hospital be so useless.. Its not the staff that are there, they have too much to do.. its the wankers that can sort this out but they are too busy with their sports cars at weekends and dont work.. These guys get all the NHS money and do fuck all themselves anymore.
Reminder to oneself Jo.. Please try and not have any more seizures at weekends....
Ive got orders coming in! so my fellas gonna have to do my work this week on top of look after me..
Hes now scanning the net in the hope we can find some answers to this..
My blood pressure was the best its been in years so i know the juicing and drinking loads has really helped, i felt fine all day and night yesterday until i went to bed, then it came...
Another week back to living on edge not knowing if more are coming.. I had just started to get some confidence back then it starts again....
I had another seizure last night, the worst one yet according to my fella.
He had to do CPR on me, to get the heart working again., it wasnt going to restart... When i did come round i didnt know who anyone was..
The hospital is useless and the dr admitted to us last night that unless i have one of these seizures monday-friday 9-5 they cannot do anything to stop them, as everythings closed up there at weekends and evenings.. We have been told from last nights Dr to phone up cardio tomorrow and scream,..
My arms are bandaged up from endless attempts to get canulas in, my fellas worried sick im gonna die so cannot leave me on my own.. They have told him to stay with me at all times now.. Poor sod.. how much presure is that to put on him.. Last nights episode scared the crap out of him. I feel like an elephants sat on my chest today..
My kids watched me on that bathroom floor being pumped back to life by my fella and the ambulance crew, how can the hospital be so useless.. Its not the staff that are there, they have too much to do.. its the wankers that can sort this out but they are too busy with their sports cars at weekends and dont work.. These guys get all the NHS money and do fuck all themselves anymore.
Reminder to oneself Jo.. Please try and not have any more seizures at weekends....
Ive got orders coming in! so my fellas gonna have to do my work this week on top of look after me..
Hes now scanning the net in the hope we can find some answers to this..
My blood pressure was the best its been in years so i know the juicing and drinking loads has really helped, i felt fine all day and night yesterday until i went to bed, then it came...
Another week back to living on edge not knowing if more are coming.. I had just started to get some confidence back then it starts again....
Friday, May 20
warmth
Last night was really good.. I have never seen my fella dance so well, he was bloody amazing.
Its definately been a busy dancing week but helped when you're trying to stay positive.
We did say we were only going to do every other night which has gone out of the window, we have only stayed in one night so far, but we have now got a posh ball to go to Saturday night ontop..Its a guy i did my firewalk with and his birthday party, its at a really posh place so im pannicking as usual.. They even have a F1 car there for the guests to have a go at!! I like the guy as he was my walk buddy but hes part of my fellas business community so im really pleased he asked, I didnt know who he was from adam, when i did the walk, but in my fellas world hes the alan sugar.. That really made me giggle as i remembered the guy had flip flops on the last time i saw him.. He must be the long haired hippy version then..lol
Free vodka and food all night was enough for me to say yes.. Ive asked my fella to pick my dress so i dont even have to worry about that.. Word of the week will be 'whatever'... Being up that hospital so much has changed my outlook on a lot of things now....
Im blackmailing the kids this week with dvds, take aways and pocket money as i feel bad ive been out so much, but im feeling good this week and intend making the most of every minute im feeling like this..
Tonight we are round our friends for a meal and overnighter, i have no idea if these guys can cook but am looking forward to finding out.. All i know is i like them as people so thats a really good start..Im not gonna worry about something that wont happen unless i want it to.. Im quite capable of saying no... or yes for that matter, its my choice..
Sunday ive promised the kids i will take them to see the new pirates of the caribean film so as long as i rest up today its gonna be a good weekend. I have a whole day to relax, which sounds amazing to me.. I'm posting out monday and saying fuck it today to work.. the sun is shining so why not! ill put it on a special and noone will know any different, except me tonight when ive had a day off....blisssssss
We have made so many friends at Acle and lingwood its really lovely to feel so much energy and fun ..
It is true about feeling alive inside.. when i let the grief and stress get to me it feels like im being dragged down physically as well as mentally, this week even with all the grief and sorrow im managing to feel the warmth again..
Its definately been a busy dancing week but helped when you're trying to stay positive.
We did say we were only going to do every other night which has gone out of the window, we have only stayed in one night so far, but we have now got a posh ball to go to Saturday night ontop..Its a guy i did my firewalk with and his birthday party, its at a really posh place so im pannicking as usual.. They even have a F1 car there for the guests to have a go at!! I like the guy as he was my walk buddy but hes part of my fellas business community so im really pleased he asked, I didnt know who he was from adam, when i did the walk, but in my fellas world hes the alan sugar.. That really made me giggle as i remembered the guy had flip flops on the last time i saw him.. He must be the long haired hippy version then..lol
Free vodka and food all night was enough for me to say yes.. Ive asked my fella to pick my dress so i dont even have to worry about that.. Word of the week will be 'whatever'... Being up that hospital so much has changed my outlook on a lot of things now....
Im blackmailing the kids this week with dvds, take aways and pocket money as i feel bad ive been out so much, but im feeling good this week and intend making the most of every minute im feeling like this..
Tonight we are round our friends for a meal and overnighter, i have no idea if these guys can cook but am looking forward to finding out.. All i know is i like them as people so thats a really good start..Im not gonna worry about something that wont happen unless i want it to.. Im quite capable of saying no... or yes for that matter, its my choice..
Sunday ive promised the kids i will take them to see the new pirates of the caribean film so as long as i rest up today its gonna be a good weekend. I have a whole day to relax, which sounds amazing to me.. I'm posting out monday and saying fuck it today to work.. the sun is shining so why not! ill put it on a special and noone will know any different, except me tonight when ive had a day off....blisssssss
We have made so many friends at Acle and lingwood its really lovely to feel so much energy and fun ..
It is true about feeling alive inside.. when i let the grief and stress get to me it feels like im being dragged down physically as well as mentally, this week even with all the grief and sorrow im managing to feel the warmth again..
Monday, May 16
Changes
Another week started and im still here! Thats a pretty amusing thought to have but very true!
My fella took me out yesterday near Stalham to a car boot which i must say, i really enjoyed. We started with breakfast out in a little cafe and just stayed out all day doing all sorts or random stuff, it was a really good day. I went up to see Bob in the afternoon and came back to watch my sorts of dvds and just chilled out.. I had to smile as he would never watch chick films like Burlesque but did this time, without moaning..lol
Im panicking today looking at this place but not allowed to do it.. i've promised... and as i woke up feeling like im pissed again im keeping that promise..Riding is a no no sadly..
I've been keeping a diary of these episodes and they are coming exactly the same time as last months were, to the day, one week after my period finishes...I get a week where i cannot stand up without looking like a piss head.
Im hoping this week my body will go back to some kind of normality.. I have things planned starting tonight at bachata class.. its not high energy dancing its more like slow and sexy.. im really looking forward to it.
We had invites to go out every night this week which i was a bit worried about.. so have agreed to do every other night all being well instead, hes worrying as he says i look ill and has refused to leave me to go to work but ive lied today and told him i feel much better.. He wouldn't have gone over wise and cannot sit here all day just incase i collapse.. If i go i'll go regardless, ill just make sure i get down on the floor quick!
Hes working on the kids now and making them do all the housework when they get home from school, Ryan always has helped its the other 3 that dont...I went to bed early and could hear him calling them down one by one last night to talk to them..
My drs signed me off work now saying im unfit to work so hes trying to sort out what to do from here.. My big sisters on call to do the packing from next week if i need her..
He cried Saturday saying he doesnt want me to die and telling me ive got to fight this...... I am fighting..
I got myself one of those E cigarettes that i carry around with me.. its not clinically classed as smoking but it will give me nicotine .. Until i know whats causing these its advisable.....My fella took the piss at first until these fits got worse, now hes agreeing with it......as a security precaution..
I dont think it was the stopping smoking, as i had the pain a few months back when i was still smoking.. I think too many years fighting and living with stress levels most people wouldn't understand, hurt more than i thought... Im worn out and need to take some time off ..hopefully without surgery involved but i dont know that much yet, ill do what i have to or i wont be here to argue with them..
Like Sasha said, time for a lifestyle change Jo.......... Yep, my fellas adamant and will be changing with me on this though.. Work aint gonna come first anymore, its had enough off us... he wouldnt go at all last week and just said fuck work when anyone phoned.. but it will take a few weeks to sort out all the paperwork needed here and get some help, the stress hes carrying at the moment is visable... so im trying to help him by sending him out.... I have a neighbour up the road who cannot run! on call if i need help i just have to ring, its like something off faulty towers... bit like the NHS service really.. 2 weeks waiting to see why your heart stops beating and you have brain seizures...... good job its not life threatening then..........lol
Lifestyle changed are needed now... so we are gonna do just that and change everything......
My fella took me out yesterday near Stalham to a car boot which i must say, i really enjoyed. We started with breakfast out in a little cafe and just stayed out all day doing all sorts or random stuff, it was a really good day. I went up to see Bob in the afternoon and came back to watch my sorts of dvds and just chilled out.. I had to smile as he would never watch chick films like Burlesque but did this time, without moaning..lol
Im panicking today looking at this place but not allowed to do it.. i've promised... and as i woke up feeling like im pissed again im keeping that promise..Riding is a no no sadly..
I've been keeping a diary of these episodes and they are coming exactly the same time as last months were, to the day, one week after my period finishes...I get a week where i cannot stand up without looking like a piss head.
Im hoping this week my body will go back to some kind of normality.. I have things planned starting tonight at bachata class.. its not high energy dancing its more like slow and sexy.. im really looking forward to it.
We had invites to go out every night this week which i was a bit worried about.. so have agreed to do every other night all being well instead, hes worrying as he says i look ill and has refused to leave me to go to work but ive lied today and told him i feel much better.. He wouldn't have gone over wise and cannot sit here all day just incase i collapse.. If i go i'll go regardless, ill just make sure i get down on the floor quick!
Hes working on the kids now and making them do all the housework when they get home from school, Ryan always has helped its the other 3 that dont...I went to bed early and could hear him calling them down one by one last night to talk to them..
My drs signed me off work now saying im unfit to work so hes trying to sort out what to do from here.. My big sisters on call to do the packing from next week if i need her..
He cried Saturday saying he doesnt want me to die and telling me ive got to fight this...... I am fighting..
I got myself one of those E cigarettes that i carry around with me.. its not clinically classed as smoking but it will give me nicotine .. Until i know whats causing these its advisable.....My fella took the piss at first until these fits got worse, now hes agreeing with it......as a security precaution..
I dont think it was the stopping smoking, as i had the pain a few months back when i was still smoking.. I think too many years fighting and living with stress levels most people wouldn't understand, hurt more than i thought... Im worn out and need to take some time off ..hopefully without surgery involved but i dont know that much yet, ill do what i have to or i wont be here to argue with them..
Like Sasha said, time for a lifestyle change Jo.......... Yep, my fellas adamant and will be changing with me on this though.. Work aint gonna come first anymore, its had enough off us... he wouldnt go at all last week and just said fuck work when anyone phoned.. but it will take a few weeks to sort out all the paperwork needed here and get some help, the stress hes carrying at the moment is visable... so im trying to help him by sending him out.... I have a neighbour up the road who cannot run! on call if i need help i just have to ring, its like something off faulty towers... bit like the NHS service really.. 2 weeks waiting to see why your heart stops beating and you have brain seizures...... good job its not life threatening then..........lol
Lifestyle changed are needed now... so we are gonna do just that and change everything......
Wednesday, May 11
Living Doll
Oh my word do i ache this morning.. It was equal numbers last night and such a good night. Reminder to oneself 'Do not wear a stick on bra when dancing as you get hot and it peels off'......lol
We are making loads of new friends there, its a completely different group that goes to acle and we both really like them.
Every ones making jokes about me and my fella going to bachata classes as separates, he wants to go with Elaine so Ive been sorting out my partner,its one of the sexiest dances going so it should be a laugh.. There will be a few raised eyebrows im sure..As long as the bad boy DJ doesnt turn up it shouldn't mean divorce yet... Elaines lovely and is getting my fella into a dance he said he wouldn't do so im happy about this..Hes comfortable with her which you need to be for this one.. You learn more by dancing with other people, we can then dance together and both be surprised, nothing worse than knowing every move before its coming.
Gerry is helping me learn bachata at acle which seems to be working well, hes so tall im really having to work hard but loving all this learning..
I seemed to have lost the weight i put on so i guess its down to eating more now im back dancing, I need to make sure i keep well .
Tonight we are going to Pam's class at farmer browns in Tombland, the venue is lovely, the guys there are all so friendly and its a smallish class which is always great, shes teaching us to use our bodies now and isolate different parts.. shes def one of the best female teachers out there and so down to earth.. we just clicked ..
Im going to see Bob this afternoon to try and stop a family row starting, my little sisters under so much stress at the moment so im going with her so i can talk to her alone.. Bob was unconscious again all day yesterday.. Im praying he hasn't had another stroke.. I need to get across to Becky that this isnt a week or two of hospital visits, we are talking months here, shes already looking so tired and ill.. she has mum there crying all the time, 3 young kids, and a job to cope with and needs to look after herself.. I know now the importance of that bugger and dont want her to learn like i did.
My fella wanted me to go up the city today so i could get some bits, and open a bank account but im going to go Friday instead, its my birthday so im not working for a change, i may even forget the chips on the market and go have lunch ..lol
The cars gonna cost around 250 quid to put right and is being done today so tomorrow ill be able to start getting out more during the day without fear that she will keep conking out.. Bless its such a good car, i haven't spent any money on her in such a long while, shes been hanging on for dear life needing these sensors..Stuart is saying she will drive like new once they are in..
Looking forward to a trip to waxham or sea palling with a picnic to watch the sunset...
Theres a salsa beach party coming up in July at wells so its gonna be the perfect opportunity to take the tents. 3 days of dancing in the sand and nights round the bonfire, its a good as a holiday by the sounds of it ... so oh yes please..
God am i stiff this morning...Gonna be dancing like a stick woman tonight by the looks of it.. I wanted to dance more as i was feeling so stiff! im feeling even stiffer now :)
Today's gonna have to start with a long hot soak..
Come on Wednesday, give everyone a good day please.....
We are making loads of new friends there, its a completely different group that goes to acle and we both really like them.
Every ones making jokes about me and my fella going to bachata classes as separates, he wants to go with Elaine so Ive been sorting out my partner,its one of the sexiest dances going so it should be a laugh.. There will be a few raised eyebrows im sure..As long as the bad boy DJ doesnt turn up it shouldn't mean divorce yet... Elaines lovely and is getting my fella into a dance he said he wouldn't do so im happy about this..Hes comfortable with her which you need to be for this one.. You learn more by dancing with other people, we can then dance together and both be surprised, nothing worse than knowing every move before its coming.
Gerry is helping me learn bachata at acle which seems to be working well, hes so tall im really having to work hard but loving all this learning..
I seemed to have lost the weight i put on so i guess its down to eating more now im back dancing, I need to make sure i keep well .
Tonight we are going to Pam's class at farmer browns in Tombland, the venue is lovely, the guys there are all so friendly and its a smallish class which is always great, shes teaching us to use our bodies now and isolate different parts.. shes def one of the best female teachers out there and so down to earth.. we just clicked ..
Im going to see Bob this afternoon to try and stop a family row starting, my little sisters under so much stress at the moment so im going with her so i can talk to her alone.. Bob was unconscious again all day yesterday.. Im praying he hasn't had another stroke.. I need to get across to Becky that this isnt a week or two of hospital visits, we are talking months here, shes already looking so tired and ill.. she has mum there crying all the time, 3 young kids, and a job to cope with and needs to look after herself.. I know now the importance of that bugger and dont want her to learn like i did.
My fella wanted me to go up the city today so i could get some bits, and open a bank account but im going to go Friday instead, its my birthday so im not working for a change, i may even forget the chips on the market and go have lunch ..lol
The cars gonna cost around 250 quid to put right and is being done today so tomorrow ill be able to start getting out more during the day without fear that she will keep conking out.. Bless its such a good car, i haven't spent any money on her in such a long while, shes been hanging on for dear life needing these sensors..Stuart is saying she will drive like new once they are in..
Looking forward to a trip to waxham or sea palling with a picnic to watch the sunset...
Theres a salsa beach party coming up in July at wells so its gonna be the perfect opportunity to take the tents. 3 days of dancing in the sand and nights round the bonfire, its a good as a holiday by the sounds of it ... so oh yes please..
God am i stiff this morning...Gonna be dancing like a stick woman tonight by the looks of it.. I wanted to dance more as i was feeling so stiff! im feeling even stiffer now :)
Today's gonna have to start with a long hot soak..
Come on Wednesday, give everyone a good day please.....
Monday, May 9
Shine
Its been a pretty good day today! The suns shining and im motoring through the work with a smile..
I went up to see Bob again yesterday, im glad i did, he was much better than when i last saw him and even managed to squeeze my hand.. thats such good news... Mum has been taken to the drs by my big sister so they are also keeping an eye on her now.. its been a really hard time for everyone but somehow time helps us all heal..
Ive been good and not had anymore attacks since my last.. Im so pleased and will continue to look after myself better. You seem to think that no matter what shit you get you will cope, i think mentally id hit a brick wall that physically took me down with it, i knew i wasnt looking after myself and didnt care.. Ive just managed to finish my first complete box of iron pills .. im supposed to have them everyday but seem to take them just when im tired which is rather stupid, everthing else im doing is either herbal or through juicing which im finding im really enjoying now.. how the hell i can get used to and indeed love raw vegetable juice is beyond me, but i am loving it now.
Im spending my extra hours outsde in my garden growing some amazing stuff, all of which i intend to eat as this year theres nothing out there i cant eat or cook with.. its beautiful out there now..
Im starting through my gardening and dancing to feel happier inside now...
So Im going to try and horse ride tonight! Ive asked them to give me a small horse to restart with as im still trying to gain my strengh but im going to have a go and ride with Mandy...Ive really missed it.
Lifes to short to keep worrying and although it feels like theres so much gloom around me theres still a lot of good stuff to help spread some sunshine..
Its that we have to keep in mind and think ourselves lucky we are still able to enjoy it..
I went up to see Bob again yesterday, im glad i did, he was much better than when i last saw him and even managed to squeeze my hand.. thats such good news... Mum has been taken to the drs by my big sister so they are also keeping an eye on her now.. its been a really hard time for everyone but somehow time helps us all heal..
Ive been good and not had anymore attacks since my last.. Im so pleased and will continue to look after myself better. You seem to think that no matter what shit you get you will cope, i think mentally id hit a brick wall that physically took me down with it, i knew i wasnt looking after myself and didnt care.. Ive just managed to finish my first complete box of iron pills .. im supposed to have them everyday but seem to take them just when im tired which is rather stupid, everthing else im doing is either herbal or through juicing which im finding im really enjoying now.. how the hell i can get used to and indeed love raw vegetable juice is beyond me, but i am loving it now.
Im spending my extra hours outsde in my garden growing some amazing stuff, all of which i intend to eat as this year theres nothing out there i cant eat or cook with.. its beautiful out there now..
Im starting through my gardening and dancing to feel happier inside now...
So Im going to try and horse ride tonight! Ive asked them to give me a small horse to restart with as im still trying to gain my strengh but im going to have a go and ride with Mandy...Ive really missed it.
Lifes to short to keep worrying and although it feels like theres so much gloom around me theres still a lot of good stuff to help spread some sunshine..
Its that we have to keep in mind and think ourselves lucky we are still able to enjoy it..
Saturday, May 7
Aint it funny
God what a day it turned out to be yesterday. I was emotionally drained sp god knows how mum felt coming back leaving her life behind.
We made good time to gatwick so arrived at 6am, mums flight wasnt due til 8.40 so it was a case of just sit and wait. You don't half learn stuff just sitting there watching people. Theres the do'ers and the havent got a clue'ers...
I kept going over things in my head, including jump on one of those planes..Its the constant fighting that gets you down.. we need a break.
When Julie and mum came through my heart sunk.. she looked every bit as bad as Julie warned me about and stood there hugging me for dear life, sobbing her eyes out.. I felt so awful. I can feel her pain but cant help to take it away, we are not her life anymore, Lem was.. Lifes so cruel.. is life all about love?
Loving life, loving what mother natures given, loving others, loving yourself.. without that its just existance..
Driving there yesterday i heard a song i havent heard for a while.. its a strange thing but music is what will probably hurt mum the most now, every song has a memory for good or bad you do remember.
This was j-lo 'Aint it funny' I sat there silent listening to every word which really hits home...
Some things in life i do believe are fate, some paths we look at and have to make choices of which road to take in our life.. I know i would never take the one everyone else used most, i like the exitement of now knowing whats around the corner.. sadly sometimes it also brings those painful things too...
We made good time to gatwick so arrived at 6am, mums flight wasnt due til 8.40 so it was a case of just sit and wait. You don't half learn stuff just sitting there watching people. Theres the do'ers and the havent got a clue'ers...
I kept going over things in my head, including jump on one of those planes..Its the constant fighting that gets you down.. we need a break.
When Julie and mum came through my heart sunk.. she looked every bit as bad as Julie warned me about and stood there hugging me for dear life, sobbing her eyes out.. I felt so awful. I can feel her pain but cant help to take it away, we are not her life anymore, Lem was.. Lifes so cruel.. is life all about love?
Loving life, loving what mother natures given, loving others, loving yourself.. without that its just existance..
Driving there yesterday i heard a song i havent heard for a while.. its a strange thing but music is what will probably hurt mum the most now, every song has a memory for good or bad you do remember.
This was j-lo 'Aint it funny' I sat there silent listening to every word which really hits home...
Some things in life i do believe are fate, some paths we look at and have to make choices of which road to take in our life.. I know i would never take the one everyone else used most, i like the exitement of now knowing whats around the corner.. sadly sometimes it also brings those painful things too...
Wednesday, May 4
Never rains but pours
They say it never rains but it pours... Thats certainly the sentence for my lot.. How much more..
I took my monitor back to hospital yesterday morning.. Im going back up today! Not for me but for Bob this time my step dad.. he had a bad stroke yesterday.. Theres so much stress at the moment coming in from all angles i think its that whats causing all the shit for everyone. First fay at xmas, which i know affected me, next came Lem so im now sitting worrying about my mum, then came my scare which im trying to recover from and now my step dad.. hes in my ward paralysed down one side unable to speak or move...
And they say theres a god up there! My mum is flying home Thursday night and ive already been told shes in a real bad way, going to stay with my little sister who looks like shes about to keel over at anytime worrying about her mum, sister and now dad... Its not gonna be good for mum to come back to this lot.. I must not get ill and add to this caos.........
Im praying the hospital doesnt call me this week, if they do then i know im in trouble, im hoping it was just all the stress.....
I know you lose loved ones in life which is always hard, im trying to adjust to the stresses as it goes, i think ive done ok and havent allowed it to affect everyone around me, but its really getting to me today.. One person dying has so much affect on what he/she leaves behind.. Life is for living so regardless of who we lose from our everyday existance or how hard it gets, it has to go on..
Whats the betting its gonna be my mum in there next...
I took my monitor back to hospital yesterday morning.. Im going back up today! Not for me but for Bob this time my step dad.. he had a bad stroke yesterday.. Theres so much stress at the moment coming in from all angles i think its that whats causing all the shit for everyone. First fay at xmas, which i know affected me, next came Lem so im now sitting worrying about my mum, then came my scare which im trying to recover from and now my step dad.. hes in my ward paralysed down one side unable to speak or move...
And they say theres a god up there! My mum is flying home Thursday night and ive already been told shes in a real bad way, going to stay with my little sister who looks like shes about to keel over at anytime worrying about her mum, sister and now dad... Its not gonna be good for mum to come back to this lot.. I must not get ill and add to this caos.........
Im praying the hospital doesnt call me this week, if they do then i know im in trouble, im hoping it was just all the stress.....
I know you lose loved ones in life which is always hard, im trying to adjust to the stresses as it goes, i think ive done ok and havent allowed it to affect everyone around me, but its really getting to me today.. One person dying has so much affect on what he/she leaves behind.. Life is for living so regardless of who we lose from our everyday existance or how hard it gets, it has to go on..
Whats the betting its gonna be my mum in there next...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
