Out with the Old - In with the New

Spring has arrived.. Changing of the seasons and everything else. So much is happening here.
I've been talking to my fella about a change in career for me, I want to make a change and do something different. You get to an age as a woman that you don't want to carry on the same as when you were younger, your tastes change and attitude and it looks like I've arrived at that place.
Im sick of clothes and want to do something different now, using different skills and adding to the ones I have already He's agreed whole heartedly, so we are doing something together that's a bit different, I've also been offered 2 jobs running companies for 2 of his past customers,that I can run from here easily, will allow me enough time to still run this place as mum and still run my project with Steve. Im nervous and excited all at the same time. Will fill you in once we are up and running... You will like this one!
My fella meanwhile is going from strength to strength, today he's spending half the day managing a big site in Essex then he's off to Manchester, I put my machines up for sale yesterday and within 60 mins had sold the 4.. Poor bugger has to deliver them for the chap though but I actually made a good profit on them as well as had use of them for years.. Its enough to help along our new business so he doesn't mind a small detour (huge one more like)
He was headhunted by a good firm a couple of months ago and is now running a Norfolk branch here for them, its a lot of thinking and organising, but he's in his element and it shows. His new van comes next week also, so I get to keep the car for a change, Im really pleased he's done so well, I knew he would..
We have a new unit tucked away where we will go to work on the new business and have been getting it ready to use over the last 2 months (I've been painting and he's been making) I have been thinking about changing my work for a long while now, some will say im mad as its doing so well, but I want something different to get my teeth into, a new journey and I don't believe you can sell clothes to people in the same way as you can when you are younger, unless the clothes are older styles, and I've always been a jeans girl at heart. It just doesn't excite me anymore, I want something I can do as a hobby for the next 20 years but have fun while I do it, so im going to follow my heart.
 I've had years of people copying me and mimicking any new ideas I had and this change means that I will get to spend more quality time with my fella as we both love this and do it as a hobby now, I wont be reliant on earning money as I'll earn enough on the Monday-Friday ones to add to the house pot, but it means weekends away and plenty of walking with my fella and that's what matters most now. I asked my kids what they thought I was good at: the answers came back from cooking, sewing, gardening and creating, but they all said I was good at making something old look amazing, im the first to admit I love charity shops and car boots and this means I also get to up-cycle things and give them a new lease of life.. Perhaps to last another 100 years. There is so much waste in the world, im hoping I can help a little in my own way and have fun at the same time...

Im going to sell everything off in my shops and see where this leads. If it takes off and I do these other jobs well, I will make a complete change and close them all down. My kids all have their own paths to follow and my daughter doesn't like clothes and I don't want to end up like a woman I once knew who we called racing blonde, she would sell young peoples clothes and model them herself even though she was in her fifties.. She was the brunt of so many cruel people but I blame the husband (he was the photographer) for not telling her she was too old to model anymore.. That man was never honest with his wife! and cruel with it.. Our tastes change and so do mannerisms and no one wants to be looked on as mutton dressed as lamb anymore.

Meanwhile, as I think about the kids.. They are currently doing GCSEs  and are studying (yes properly up the table and all) they are all so different in their ways. My daughter and I have grown so close walking our blind dog, we now get time alone that we use to learn about each other, she has grown up so much and really is a lovely young lady, she told me she was struggling with Ryan's girlfriend using all my stuff (my make up, shower stuff, perfumes clothes etc) as she finds this rude! and to be fair sometimes I do get pissed off when I go to pluck my eyebrows and my make up bags disappeared but I don't let it get to me. She only acts how she has been brought up to behave so its simply lack of parenting skills there, im sure we can help her adapt to understand things better as time goes by and now at least Lauren understands that decisions we make as parents do affect our children most, as some kids simply are left not knowing how to behave through no fault of their own..

Lauren wont ask for anything, she wont take any clothes from stock if I ask her what she needs as she thinks this is bad as its a company and not free stuff, so she earns jeans etc for doing chores for me, she's grown up into a little me, she's a jeans girl to the heart and it will suit her in her life's journey of working with animals. Its the sort of job where you get your hands dirty and she doesn't mind in the slightest. She's so much like me that way.. Im always happy with im up to my neck in muck or paint.
Callum was interested in renewable engineering, and has now been accepted into a brilliant college, hes the thinker and puzzle maker in the family and is so much like my real dad its scary. He will always look at what needs doing and find the best solution to get it done. Except empting the bins every morning, he will always go for the recycle bin first and quickly, so Brandon gets the messy household one for not doing it as soon as I asked!

Brandon has learning disabilities and suffers from dyspraxia and  is also dyslexic so hes not as bright with literature etc, but where he blossoms is with art, music and computers so is now hoping to attend college to study animation, his interview is next week. He has already been accepted into college for graphics but he knows what he wants to do and is working his arse off to get into the market he wants to do.. I think he will do it, hes the worker in the family and no one tries harder.

Ryan meanwhile is a year away from being a fully qualified electrician and had his first driving lesson last night with mum hanging out of the window smiling away.. Poor lad!
He's installing his first ground source heat pump next weekend with one of Steve's partners (another business he's built up running in the pipeline) and is now going to work weekends so he can get his lessons done and buy himself a little car.
Im gonna need a list soon to keep up with everything that's happening here. But im strangely very happy with my life at the moment...

Changing Seasons

Is it March already? Where has the time gone... I have got life coming back into the garden at last..

Things at the madhouse are still as mad as ever, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I lost one of my dogs 3 weeks ago, which was heart-breaking. He wasn't the ill one who has diabetes but the one who's always happy Dexter. He had a tumour on his pancreas and over the course of the week became very ill. My fella and me took him to the vets but within hours of the tests starting they told us just how ill he really was. He wouldn't recover from the tumour so the vet asked us to put him to sleep. My fella couldn't do it, so I went in and stayed with him, he's been with me for 10 years so saying goodbye was painful. His sister (my other dog) pined at nights but is adjusting to life on her own now. She's a complete pain in the backside with food so I have to cook her food everyday.. no dogfood for my little diva, fish, chicken and steak mince if you please...lol The vet thinks its amusing as they couldn't get her to eat normally either and as she has to eat before I inject her, so she knows if she doesn't eat it, muggings here will just cook her something else! But she's still with us, so I must be doing something right. I cannot even explain the feeling I have when I take my blind dog out for walks, people look at me like im mad but she knows where she is alright and enjoys it just as much! I literally have to steer for her, but she's very happy and still manages to run like hell round the woods... I've learnt not to get into a deep conversation with my daughter when we walk her together though, Frankie walked into 3 trees last night as Lauren was too busy looking at the birds! That dog must have a tough head or one hell of a headache today...

I've now adopted another young lady here Samantha! One of the triplets Brandon has met a girl at college, who is beautiful.. I couldn't stop staring at her the first time he brought her round for tea, she's very intelligent and has been brought up with all the manners and values a young lady should have, she's also nearly as tall as him which of course means, she's also taller than me! she's now a regular for meals 3 nights a week on top of Ryan's girlfriend Kaytee.. The house is growing fast!

This week has brought us quite a few sleepless nights, we made the mistake of buying a full memory foam mattress a month ago which my fella hates! he cant lie on his side without falling out of bed, (which I found highly amusing) and we have both suffered from backache, so yesterday we had to go out and get a a new one.. I must say a good nights sleep was had by all... I was getting used to  waking up and needing at least 10 mins to stand up straight. Im glad we changed it now as I feel like I've actually been to sleep today :)
So many things are happening here at the moment, we don't know if we are coming, going or just been.... but we are going with the flow and seeing what happens next. One things for sure, its never boring! And I do greatly appreciate my fella when he cooks on Saturdays, as this place seems to have doubled its occupancy now! Its apparently the 'Inn Place' to be and the foods great! (just ask the dog!)

Power Cut - They Will be Blown Away

The weekend went far too quickly! My fella had to leave Sunday night due to the storm, so it didn't feel like id seen him this week. We were both knackered Friday from the week and by the time shopping and house stuff was done on Saturday it was gone..
I'm not keen on sitting on my laptop at night as I like spending time with my tribe here, but Skype allows me to talk to Steve and catch up with the days events, its exciting stuff his end and I can tell he's really enjoying this challenge. The mans never happy unless he's full pelt at something, I honestly don't know anyone who has so much passion and drive, its relentless! I still have to wake him up every morning though, some things never change...
Last nights call didn't come, so I decided to watch a movie with the kids, Barry's been brilliant and gets me all the best movies to watch, he knows once Steve's home at weekends I don't get the remote, its a mans thing apparently. I waited until 10 then decided to have a bath, sending a couple of snidey messages before I went :) like " Enjoy your pints etc. as im going to bed now" you get the meaning,  when Ryan gets a text from him panicking as he's gone back to the digs to a power cut and no water! they got the worst of the storm, hence the no Skype call! Talk about dropping yourself in the cart Jo.. His words made me laugh (wicked aren't I) " Please tell mum im sitting in the middle of a bloody field of sheep freezing cold,trying to get enough signal to send this. I'm cold, theres no power, no water and It feels like I may as well be living on mars!"
I cant take back the messages of course which he will get once the powers comes on but he knows what im like by now, and I know what he's usually like - hence the messages I left in the 1st place!.

Today im moving all my stock across. I was hoping the triple trio would get up and help but there's no sign of movement up there yet, it must be time for mums singing in the bath! I have a new way of getting them up by simply singing a power ballad all in the same note!! its bloody awful and hard to do but it usually results in Lauren shouting insults and the boys coming downstairs to avoid it. Perhaps ill sing a Whitesnake track today as im feeling energetic ;)

Feeling Peaceful

It was a really good weekend, sunshine, the forest, followed by the beach. How lovely is this weather?
We both took the weekend off and spent some quality time as a family at Sherringham Park and then the beach. We walked aprox 10 miles this week, which felt great, the kids were great company and really enjoyed the day. We ended up getting lost (which I actually enjoyed) as we took and old steam train back, which didn't actually go to where we thought, so ended up in the middle of another forest cracking up laughing as it was, by that point dark.

My fellas been in a romantic mood all week which has made me smile.. It must be the heat!
Unfortunately his work has gone mad so he's juggling as usual, but as long as he takes time off we wont miss the summer. It's partly why I did the garden differently, at least when its all lit up at night, its too pretty to ignore, so we spend hours out there talking. Its a lovely way to end a day.
We have lots of plans and things on the go, its exciting to wake up again and wonder what's going to happen today.
This weekend we are throwing a BBQ. We have a night out on Friday with my family, which i'm looking forward to, but Saturday its Aylsham car boot followed by sangria and good food. Now I have a garden we can actually sit down and enjoy it in. I love Saturdays!
The plants are maturing and its starting to look really colourful now. I didn't mention the lights id got, so no one knew the place would glow at night, until it did. I cant wait to show my granddad! He's like me and loves lights.
I'm still not sure whether I want fish in the pond yet, ive planted wild watercress hanging from a bucket, that the water runs through and have some amazing plants to put inside for wildlife growing strong and to be honest, its enough...  I just wanted peaceful.. and sitting there watching the butterflies and birds, listening to the water, brings me that.  I'm a flip flop girl at heart and always will be.
I finally got to pick some of the cherries off my tree, which was brilliant. I only take half, so the birds enjoy them too, but so far its given me 6lbs and its still going strong. I'm going to soak them in brandy then half coat them in chocolate. I tried them once at chant and never forgot them...
This year feels all about family.. My family are coming together strong and even my fellas is now too, we have both his sisters close now and it feels lovely to see them so often. Things change and so do people, and sometimes time changes people for the best.
This afternoon i'm going to Anglia square as usual with my grim reaper uncle! He's really not, that's just what my mum calls him. He has me in hysterics when he starts teasing my mum, he times her, to see how long we are there, before she starts moaning... so far the record is 6 mins... lol
I realise how chilled out my house is and appreciate that although we have 6 adults living here, we are a really peaceful house regardless. I couldn't see it before! but I can now. I always wondered why people came here? and thought they were just nuts! but after talking to them and asking why, you start to see through others eyes and realise just how special this place is...
Every day is: Just what you make it. And we are rich in a way, that money could never buy.
I think at last we have found our balance...

Weekends

Well we got through the week somehow! To say it was manic is an understatement.
Things didn't go according to plan as my fella came back with the kids and his sister, he said he felt it was better for her to cut all ties back there. So we have spent the week sleeping on the sofa so they could have our bed. Some things have alarmed me, but we're doing everything we can to help the kids.
They have now all been placed into temporary housing together, its clean and just up the road from us so we can help. Hopefully then after a period of time they will find them permanent housing.
The week was pretty stressful and I was knackered by the lack of sleep and his sisters constant loud voice..lol We don't live like that here, we may have a busy house, but its also calm, she needs to learn a thing or two from her brother. Even my kids hid up!
We didn't get any work done all week, so this week we have lots to catch up on. As well as sort out a school for the kids and doctors etc.

Guests Coming to Stay

Its been a very long night. I've been tossing and turning most of the night worrying.
My fella got a call yesterday from his sister, who lives away. We haven't heard from her for a while so hoped everything was ok, the last we did hear was she was getting married at Xmas out of the blue, she never even mentioned she had a fella!
What has taken place was a spiral of hitting rock bottom, the new husband was a heavy drinker, abusive and lazy, instead of him raising to her standards and cleaning himself up, she sunk to his level and started what now uncovers to end up drinking daily with him and neglecting everything else.
Her two elder kids are old enough to go their own way, but the two little ones (6 and 10) is what's been concerning me, they are really sweet little kids and deserve some stability and security, its not their fault. As from last week they have been homeless, her landlord evicted them so its been garages and friends sofas for a week. Yesterday she woke up and phoned for help, the social services want to take the kids into care until she can get another place to live. She's stayed in the same job for 11 years so has a good job there, what she doesn't have is enough for a deposit and a months rent up front.
We have offered to take the 2 small ones here until she can sort herself out housing wise and get a home ready for these kids, they must have had such a shit time of things recently. I can get them into a local school while they are staying and although we are already squashed with 4 teenagers we are going to make room somehow... It looks like me and Steve will be getting the couch.
My family are all saying I cant take them as I have enough on my plate now, but as long as my lot all help me here with them we will manage just fine. Its better they are with family who love them even if it is a big one, than be taken into care in my eyes.
The kids are really excited they are 'going on holiday to aunties' and arrive today! meanwhile I need to buy some sleeping bags for me and Steve..
You really do have to be mad to live here...lol

See the Light

Ive come to a conclusion early this morning i want to do some painting.. pretty random even for my standards, I was going to decorate the kitchen, but I'm being pulled more into need to draw and paint direction with people.. I used to love doing portraits when i was younger.

The last 6 weeks have been much better, Ive had no more problems health wise, except for the fact i don't like how i feel at the moment.. Sluggish. That I'm going to start working on today and try to slowly build myself back up again strength wise. I haven't been riding for 2 months and miss it greatly, its the same with salsa, a couple of lessons where my fella took me gingerly. I'm feeling pretty well now so want to reignite a few sparks my health put a damper on.. My things i couldn't do anymore but want to start again..

I'm beginning to believe my fellas theory of stopping smoking could have done this to me.. I did smoke pretty heavy, I'll admit that now, the shock of not smoking could have indeed caused whats happened.. I don't regret it though, I'm glad i stopped. I feel so much better in other ways.
I brought my fella a home brew kit, when he was shut indoors looking after me and positive things have come from this spell in our lives.. One being hes bloody good at making wine now! I've become a dab hand at jams, bread and cooking in general but using only what i grow in my garden to cook with.. Its a challenge and brings such a feel good factor when you get to eat and drink what you've created.....

I never have been a wine drinker which is a shame as there's nothing my fella likes better than cooking a lovely meal and sharing a bottle, so I'm now in training to learn to appreciate its taste and share a bottle over dinner.. after all hes made it so its the least i can do.. We gave my sister a bottle yesterday as she turned up with a beautiful set of copper frying pans for me to swap for jam! they have been hanging in her kitchen unused for years so she brought then to what she called a good home! She phoned up last night pretty late with my mum telling me my fella has hidden talents.. as his wine was bloody amazing stuff..lol

Ive got this huge urge to create stuff, read, paint and go canoeing so the next month along with riding and salsa I'm hoping to do just that.

The dongle (that's what i call it) that's implanted into my chest, reminds me every morning that you really do need to make the most of every day you get. I was guilty of taking things for granted as much as the next man and thankfully have seen the light..

I've even managed to talk my fella into hiring a canoe with me and seeing how many ducks we can scare the crap out of.....

My mum is trying to rebuild her life and I'm the first person up, telling her she needs to do this, watching her get knocked back again yesterday reminds me just how selfish some people can be, but its not about those people... its all about us and what good things we can do with our time here.. Its called making the most of it and not taking anything for granted..

For me today starts with positive thoughts and a belief that things are and will, now change for the better..

Positive

It was so lovely and hot last night, It felt like i was on a holiday!
The last couple of days im getting more back to normal here, it feels good. The garden is looking my kind of lovely, 3 days on the trot ive come up with a great meal from its offerings.
My fella left early with the kids so ive got the day to myself. I really hope this meeting goes well for him, its a national company and would set him off on a bloody good footing. Its important.
After saying that mum now phoned to see if i wanted some company today, she couldnt have timed it better, id love some....... I have bought paints to redo the table and furnishings in the kitchen..
I need to get past this week healthily.. Its the 5th week since the last fit which is usually the week it starts again.. Fingers crossed it doesn't happen this time around. Im feeling good and want to stay that way.....
I cant wait til it rains today.. Im wearing my shorts and intend standing outside in it later.. When you feel a need to do something then you should.. So mums gonna get a giggle today.

Fathers day

Fathers day has been amusing in our house today.. My fella got up at 6 to wake the boys for their paper rounds, thats usually my job so it made me laugh that the one day he should have a lie, in he gets up!
Hes really into this home brew lark now so i bought him something extra from us all for putting up with us for another year, a 30 bottle set Shiraz/Merlot red wine kit.. With the 5 demi johns he has outside filled with ginger beer and the rest of it, it should allow a few amusing slurry nights.. Im getting right into my home baking now thanks to river cottage and am getting good at it according to this lot, so ill be in the kitchen doing the food, he can make the booze.. Perfect for nights round the firepit with friends........ Although im not sure the neighbours will agree...
We are trying salsa starting on Tuesday, i can't wait to start getting out again.. Im just gonna have to be careful who i dance with..or stick to bachata..
Im asking Dayle to come up and sort my hair out this week, I had the longest bath and hair wash yesterday which made me feel so much better..But it needs cutting badly now.
I want to go see Bob at the hospital today, he did bring me up and is my dad in every sense of the word where it counts. hes managing to say yes and no now, which is good and although hes still paralysed he is making a slow progress.. Hes managed to keep breathing through 3 strokes up there and a brain hemorrhage so is an inspiration to us all.. Even when you feel theres no hope, you need to keep trying....
The kids bought Steve a bloody stupid drinking hard hat! which hes promised to wear today, he can drink away while he makes some wine........ Its time i started to drink it with him now, even the drs said red wines good for you... otherwise he will be blot toed with all that lot to drink.. My garden is home to a brewery and Mediterranean salad garden which looks and smells lovely... Im like a child out there every morning seeing what i can put with dinner growing....
Ive been doing my own olive oils here with chilli and garlic and all sorts of herbs, the difference it adds to the cooking is briliant.. Ive got orders for the next batch and shit loads of jam orders waiting... I knew i liked growing things and cooking but i didnt realise just how much everyone else likes me doing this.
Its not been nice being shut indoors all the time, but i guess thats the positive i can take with me on this, ive experimented and really found something i like doing, growing stuff and then creating gorgeous meals to use it up with, its that feel good feeling you get seeing everyones faces when they munch away happily, knowing you made it from nothing..... Ive got a greenhouse full of nearly ready cucumbers which bring a smile to my face every morning when i see how big they are getting...........how sad is that! lol

Scared

The last week has certainly brought shocks.. None of them very nice but that's life's way of smacking you across the head and letting you know nothing is ever certain..
lem went down diving with his diving buddy for lobsters, after my mum had told him not to go, and sadly now looks like he met his end to the sea.. They don't think he resurfaced, he went down along with this other chap, the boat carried on following the buoy as they usually do thinking Lem was attached to find it had been severed.. the tide was taking the boat away from where he was of course and they didn't know.
This morning at 1am 5 days after going missing his diving buoy, air jacket and anchor came to surface along with empty air tanks but still no signs of any bodies.. Its a small comfort to my mum to think that he died quickly by drowning, rather than imagining him treading water miles out to sea for days on end until he no longer had any fight left.. I really feel for her out there and hope my big sister can help her get through such a difficult time in her life.I wish i was there with her..
We may not ever know what happened to him on that dive, but inside i think that a strong current either wedged them somewhere under water so he couldn't get out, he wouldn't have ditched his chest gear otherwise especially not his life jacket un-inflated..It makes sense that he was stuck and when left with no air just went for it and ditched everything for a last minute attempt in getting up to the surface..
My mum told me when she went to live there that if she lived another 6 years with Lem out in Tobago she would die happy, they were married for 12 but shes heartbroken as they had only just got themselves sorted out with building their house and getting the boat up and operational.. she expected that she would die first because of her age.. fate has a cruel way sometimes. Lem was only 39 years old.....
Things from my end havent helped mum much either. A couple of months ago i had a day where i kept experiencing chest pain, everyone said i was overdoing it so told me to slow down,I did in some ways, but this house doesn't allow it for long, things have to carry on and bills have to be paid. I didn't get any more after that day so presumed i was just tired or coming down for something, I was worrying about my gran-parents who were then moving into sheltered housing and upset with some things that had happened.
I have always had low blood pressure so does my mum, so just put it down to that..

last Wednesday after talking to mum on the phone about lems dissapearance i experienced what i can only explain as severe burning, tight pain in my chest, i couldn't breath and had this horrible sick feeling of a burning doom rising from my chest up my neck, I was so sweaty and ill i honestly thought i was on my way out, i cannot remember anymore after that, I woke up being held by my neighbour David with him stroking my face and telling me to breath, surrounded by ambulance men it wasnt really clear what had happened to me.. Id apparently stopped breathing for more than 2 Min's.. Sometimes its worse for those who witness, I was lucky David was there, my fella was at work. david had come to collect me for work, i was supposed to be working at his sisters house that morning! Hes always so calm which was bloody good luck he was at the door when i went down and saw me hit the deck..
I was taken into A&E under blue light which to be honest i don't remember much about, all i can remember was a feeling of feeling so horribly sick. I only had that one attack that day so after 24 hours they allowed me home saying they thought it was Addison's decease.. they took bloods to test for it and said they would consult my Dr as soon as the results were back and that i could go home if i took things easy for a few days..
They didn't think it was my heart then.. but weren't sure what happened as sometimes these things happen with no reason or cure and just sort themselves out...
Within 6 hours of being home the same thing happened again, this time with my fella totally panicking as he thought i was dead in his arms..I had no heartbeat again and no breathing for about 2 Min's...... poor bugger was scared shirtless, hes never been good if i get ill as he will usually ignore me and hope it goes away quickly, but he said he had never been so scared in his life, it really shook him up having to deal with it..
I went back under blue light but within an hour of being in there i had another seizure, my fella had gone to get me some water as i hadn't been given a drink in hospital the day before.. I was so thirsty but they kept saying perhaps later, when he did get them to agree to let me drink, he came back to find me having another seizure.. it really wasn't good.
I have never been that scared in my life.. I wasn't scared of dying, the feeling and pain you get is indescribable, you feel like its the end theres nothing you can do about it, I was just scared of dying alone..
I called and called for help, holding my chest on that bed, 3 or 4 nurses looked at me but NO ONE came.. i cannot remember anymore than
They didn't help, i sat there sobbing pleading for help. One dr looked me right in the eye to then turn his back on me and sit at his work station ignoring what he had seen.... when im feeling better im purposely going up A&E to smack him one.
My fella apparently walked in as it was all happening so could see exactly that no one was there from across the ward.. The nurses only came over when he screamed at her to 'fucking do something' by that time i was fitting on the floor as id fell off the hospital bed.
I can appreciate they get drunks, drug addicts and all sorts of not nice people in there for treatment, but the way i was treated was appalling..It was one fuck up after another for 4 days solid..
I was transferred onto the heart ward for 24 hour monitoring only to find that out of the two monitors they had one was broken, the nurse said she would sort it out in the morning and that i should try and get some sleep.. my fella hit the roof and lodged a complaint saying he was taking me home if they werent capable of looking after me properly. One lady with a clipboard came down from my previous ward panicking saying how sorry she was that this had happened to me again (2nd time in 24 hours) and assured him i would be put straight on the monitor within 5 mins... it was a joke..
I don't complain, i never have done, I will walk away when needed to not cause trouble and try and sort it myself, but when its your life on the line its not funny.. I was so glad he was there to stick up for me..
I did get a monitor after about 4 hours, they just kept unplugging me every 2 hours so they could use the machine to take the rest of wards blood pressures.. and this was a heart ward!
I had 4 more seizures on friday, 2 more Saturday morning while i was unplugged and they were borrowing the machine..
I just wanted to go home......I didnt feel safe in there..
The trouble is there were 7 levels of management up there with no communication at all between each level, my notes were lost, left on a wrong ward and i wasnt given any water, the first thing that comes up with dangeriously low blood pressure is dyhydration.. its happened to me and is happening to other people too! The lady next to my bed was holding my hand along with a cleaner on my last seizure as my nurse was on her T break and the one who was covering was with another patient! that one nurse does the job on her own now that 4 nurses were filling last year.. It says it all really.......
The heart specialist was there at one milder seizure and said my blood pressure was dropping so low it was causing the heart to spasm, seize and stop which was then shutting down my brain as it was being starved of oxygen.. so at least i know what im dealing with here and will try and help myself as best i can.. its not very nice though having to sit there experiencing that pain with the dr chatting away to his understudies watching.. not one of my best armchair moments thats for sure.
I need to get through until the 28th April, so the machine i need is available for me, to tape my heart and record whats happening... The monitors at the hospital dont record, so unless the drs there watching it happen it doesnt help them enough..
I know whats happening as i can feel it, so ive turned to the Internet to help myself..
The internet holds so much valuable information that can really help you feel better...
My dr came to see me this afternoon and says whatever im doing seems to be helping, I havent had a seizure now since Sunday morning so its a really positive move for me .. I'm trying to do a little, then sit down, til i feel well enough to do a little bit more, its slow but its working.. it is my balance and the only way i can seem to hold these off. Unfortunately work doesnt stop for illness, I still had orders to pack as well as a family to look after here.. I came out of hospital to have to pack a weeks orders, if it wasnt the truth it would actually be funny...........
I honestly wondered if stopping smoking wass what had kicked this off.. my Dr said smoking raises blood pressure, which for most people isn't good news, but when you have really low blood pressure it can help and possibly raised mine enough to take me out of the danger bracket..Then again this could have all been brought on by stress, I honestly dont know....
The ironic part is i dont want to smoke, i saw people in hospital who did and who now couldnt breath.......like fay..
Ive had 3 days of drinking neat beetroot juice, raw vegetable smoothies, and drinking 6 litres of fresh lemon water, between meals per day.. and do feel better than i did when i came out of that place... Although I'm still nowhere near where i need to be yet....Id rather be here on my own than that place full of filth and understaffed wards..Im sure you would get sicker just by being there..
Tonight is the first time Ive been left here without my fella so I'm a little apprehensive.. I decided id write in here so i don't carry the worry as the boys are already arguing with each other and stressing me out so i thought this may help me ignore them, it used to help me offload many of my feelings before so hopefully tonight it will grant me the same thing and let tonight go by without ending up back in that place..
Steve has to work, hes had a week off already and missed so many important meetings.. life cannot stop because of this, the kids need feeding and life has to carry on..
I do have Ryan upstairs to help if i call, so i am gonna try and stay calm in myself so i can let him get some kind of normality back.. This place falls to bits when im not here, there's washing all down the stairs and the place looks like a bombs hit it...
The kids Mum here needs to get herself sorted out as quick as possible, the kids have no clean clothes left mum!, theres no help as usual from anyone as there isnt anyone to help..but the other side of Jo's too fucking tired to do whats needed ...its time they all started pulling some weight here..my fella is right on that account..
My mum is flying home with Julie on my birthday in may so im trying to get myself better with some kind of a diet change to hopefully get myself well for then.. if i try and take better care of myself for a change i may be able to do this..

Thankful

Well its thursday already, the good news is grandads doing really well and is now expected to make a full recovery, hes out of intensive care and day by day is gaining back his strength...

Isnt he one tough cookie, the surgeon cant believe how well hes done, when they opened him up they said it had then started leaking so within 3 hours he wouldnt have been with us, its been a rough week for everyone but we honestly couldnt have wished for better news..

I went and collected my mum from Gatwick Tuesday...lol I had to laugh as she honestly never stopped talking, after about 2 hours i was sound asleep in the front seat and she was apparently still talking away..lol she hasnt changed at all that way, although shes lost so much weight she doesnt look anything like she used to, so we are all going to try and fatten her up a bit, ive been sending down hot meals to my nannies for everyone and with my sisters help we are all trying to help in our own little way.......

This weeks been so busy i havent stopped yet, but its really helped as it gives you plenty to do and passes the time quicker..

Tuesday was also my kids birthday !! yes ive survived 11 years now ! lol The day was as manic as you could imagine but a really good day for everyone, all our family came to see them and a few of our friends also made the day one to remember..

Ive started to feel more like myself again now, thankfully (thats my fellas words) hehe

Im still working round the clock but the finsihing post is finally in sight now so perhaps we can get back into our salsa now and start to enjoy a few of those parties !! lol

Im heading for paris this weekend at some point only for a day or so, so its a week to look forward to... its salsa tonight at the staithe so im grabbing a dress and boots and going to enjoy a vodka and dance with our friends....

You lot better watch out though ive been shut in all week with just a bucket of stress for company and boy do i need to let off some steam.............................lol

Dont say i didnt warn you all.....................lol

See you guys tonight xxx

Dressing up

Hi everyone! My god the weeks flew by again..

I missed my salsa this week which wasn't so good as i went down with a dreaded bad head again but I'm determined to get on top of this work so ill free myself up by Tuesday...

Its not been the quietest week, its the dreaded half term, where us mums have to juggle keeping the kids entertained as well as carry on working, and to be honest the workload hasn't been an easy one, every spare minute Ive had I'm either listing making slashed dresses or hoovering up ! lol

My grandparents are both very poorly at the moment so I'm going to help out next week and redecorate their lounge (grandad pulled off the paper and filled all the holes up) then got ill so its not making them feel so good..

I love decorating so my fellas having the kids for me so i can go and make it look nice, my fella keeps giggling saying I'm multi talented.. lol

I don't agree with him that way, its just I'll have a go at anything so its all been good experience's for me, the more i try the more ill get good at....... hopefully....lol

I am a qualified hairdresser, lifeguard, and tailor and that's about the only things i can do well and enjoy doing..... except when i had the hump with my friend once! I was so annoyed at him when he came round for his hair cut i cut it wonky in a girls style on purpose at the back so he couldn't see what id done, he went down to his local like it.........hehe
god he was angry he had to shave it all off... lol

This week it was Halloween so ive decided it was going to be a good one, every year I'm either not here or working and id promised the kids this year would be different so i kept my promise..

They all had their friends round, i made costumes for them and painted every ones faces, they looked brilliant !i did make the mistake of buying these stupid bags though that give out a spooky laugh every time you open them ! big mistake after an hour i squirted each one with water to shut them up and told the kids the batteries were worn out.........hehe what! they didn't know any difference and 8 of them round my kitchen wasn't good !

I got into the spirit this year too painted my face bright green (with a few cobwebs and spiders thrown in) and had the most amazing black and green wig (which my fella hated) i know now not to go darker, id be dumped in an instance...hehe

I was thoroughly enjoying turning out the hall lights and scaring the kids when they knocked for trick or treat ! they were all giggling and telling others to knock here ( i did buy lots of treats for them) but decided they were going to have to work for them..lol it kinda backfired on me though as when the door went again out i jumped with a hairy hand first and green face, only to see this poor little kid running out of my garden to her mum.........ooops i had to go after her an apologise her mum thought it was hilarious but i did feel bad, i wouldn't let my kids trick or treat unless they were in a group so was surprised she was on her own (i wouldnt have done that bless if i had known) so Ive told her mum next year to drop her at mine so she can go along with our lot, she only lives round the corner and i think i must have given the poor mite nightmares.. I felt so bad...

My fella is being so good to me this week, we've both got lots to do, but hes been cooking night times and buying me flowers! and although we've been a bit like ships in the night lately, once im up to date I'm taking him somewhere nice for the weekend so we can just enjoy some time together, without the work or kids..I'm locking his laptop away... but you cant get a good connection easy in a tent anyway !! lol ...

I know sometimes its not so easy to be modern day parents, but that's how the world seems to work now, if you've got 4 kids its expensive, my lot are really good and don't expect anything they see on the TV, but what i hope to bring them this year isn't something you can buy... sometimes by keeping it real you can create the best memories...

I hope in the next couple of days i can get on top of all this work so next week i can relax a bit more, i want my dancing back badly now,I know Ive only missed a week but the weeks not complete now without it..I really missed you lot.. and my 'hips dont lie track'

I'm on a mission to make this year a better one, I'm prepared to work my bum off to have a break of some kind, our friends have arrived safely in Thailand so although i couldnt go for that length of time a week or two would be wonderful..

I was even thinking of proposing to my fella just so i can get away for a week ! so someone would hopefully step in from my family and help out a bit here..lol
Ive got more chance of winning the lottery i think.......lol

Nah! I like living in sin best anyway...it keeps him on his twinkle toes..lol

I don't know how he puts up with me and my sick sense of humour sometimes....

But he does.......

Thankfully ........

Anyway im shocked at what happened in X Factor ! I cant believe the public put those guys in the bottom 2 !! I love the 5 girls and so wont vote this year as i believe they are all stars..

I was sad Austin went as he had such a good voice.. what is that other guy still doing in there? i cant even remember his name today...he can sing but he definately hasnt got the x factor, more like the 'S' vote...

I love Ruth as shes just so sexy and definately has the sex factor (sorry i meant X) the way she sang 'Purple Rain' gave me goosebumps ! I think shes so passionate, and i love the fact simons hooked too!! hehe

Alexander ' as shes so brilliantly tallented and a great performer as well as singer, shes totally amazing so one of my favourites

Diane - as shes totally unique in her voice and has such a brilliant sense for fashion( shes todays 60s boho chick) And i totally love her style.. I think todays girls will follow this girls dress sense.

Laura as she has such a powerful voice... my hairs stand up on my arms when she sings

And Rachael , although she comes across as cocky sometimes , im wondering its her way of hiding the real her.. im still not sure about her yet,but she has a very powerful great voice , i think they've made her look so hard though...

Anyway saturday nights now are booked (im not going anywhere ) as im hooked ! lol

It makes me giggle as when the programme finishes my lot all start to sing...... lauren believes shes the next celine dion..lol perhaps she is.. who knows what tomorrow may bring eh..

Some peoples dreams actually do come true...

I think thats what drives us all sometimes.........

Have a great day everyone..........

Garden Party

Its Sunday!...yesss my day of rest !! lol

Its been another brilliant week, im shattered but really excited..

We went to a party last night as our friends son is emigrating to America, i cant believe how much effort this guy put into it last night, he never stopped...

The food was out of this world and just kept coming, he had done so much no one could honestly eat any more, it wasn't the normal sandwich stuff either! we had food last night that any restaurant would be proud of... Lauren didn't stop eating and must have had at least 8 plate fulls..lol The funniest part of the day was catching her with her head in a chocolate fountain, she couldnt see we were looking and was literaly in the foundtain with a smile as big as the sun..

There were a huge adult bouncy castle (well we had to try that one out) that babysat the kids lovely for us, but the whole afternoon and night was totally brilliant..

Its the 2nd time we've been to his mums house (that's where the party was held) but every time i meet this lady i want to give her a hug, shes so full of life and always smiling, so watching her salsaing round the garden last night with my fella was brilliant.. Id love a mum like her... shes brilliant and so much fun...

Mark went to so much effort to make everyone enjoy their day, it was unbelieveable.... I hope you re not too hungover (but bet you are..lol) we had a brilliant day...

My eldest son couldn't come to the party with us because he was invited to go out and fly a glider for the day !!! omg he was so excited and had such a brilliant day, im so proud of how hes turning out....

Its been a wonderful week and an even better weekend .. thanks to so many wonderful friends... and a very unique tree...............lol

Thanks so much for a great day... and for making us part of it........

Peaceful

Its been a great couple of days, we were out sunday at my aunts for the day, she has the most amazing garden its like a wood...Its huge but a lot of hard work as that in itself is a full time job..

Dayle was up on saturday night and gave Lauren and Ryan a haircut, my god hes one tallented lad, ive never seen anyone use scissors like hes does, he certainly takes after his dad with wanting to be good at what hes doing, if he sticks at this i think he will be a bit special in the hair styling world, hes got something very special...I trained from 13 and worked in a hairdressers after school 4 nights a week so i can cut hair, but he gave Ryan a style i could have never done it looks amazing, ive just got the job every day of styling it before he goes to high school (as if i dont have enough to do in the mornings lol) its a good job i get up early..........

Yesterday i worked from home combining working with my partner and trying to sort the house out.. the kids seem to use me as an open house at weekends and i get half the neighbourhood in, i dont mind as id rather they were in here than playing in the streets, would just appreciate it not being trashed everyday.. does parenthood ever get any easier? lol

My eldest is a gem and really does support me, hes hitting the kevin stage at the moment wants trendy haircuts, uses the words ' whatever!' more often and i have to get up and blow dry his hair before school now....lol but hes a good lad and always telling me how much he loves me and gives me hugs... so that makes up for any grief, i really am so proud of how hes turning out, hes the one who makes everyone smile at home at school and even at work, he will ring me to just say hi....sometimes when you juggle being a working mum your'e doing your best you feel guilty, i do, guilty that i cant spend more time with them and am always juggling, i remember the same thing with my mum she worked 7 days a week and us girls would help each other in between the fighting..lol I do let the kids have sleepovers and mates round most nights and a couple of the lads always turn up at meal times hungry (their mums work shifts) so im keeping it open and enjoying the buzz of it all.. sometimes its great to have a mad house, id just like a tidy one...

So much is happening for my fella, hes still engrossed in working, we are splitting it down the middle when hes working i leave him alone or help out (we have been working together this week), but on our nights off the computers are off and we'll end up just having a cuddle listening to music and talk, it seems to be working now, i wrote a blog when he anoyed me and he read it ! oops since then the laptop goes off when its our time.. we get our time together and really appreciate it when we do, but the work still gets done, i dont think people realise what has to be done with a website, you never catch up, as fast as you think you are something else needs doing, he forgot me last week completely i came home for the kids prepare the meals and get ready for belly dancing he was due home at 5.30 i get picked up at 6 by stelli so 6 comes and goes half past and about 6.45 he walks in... i couldnt get angry, ive learnt that he doesnt mean it it simply gets engrossed and forgets, i made it to the class thankfully, just broke out in a sweat before id got there..lol

I was talking to my aunt sunday and shes offered to let me ride her horse down the beach, hes beautiful and its what i wanted to do for my 40th in may, we were going on holiday to do it, but sadly i cant get away the dates i wanted so im spending my birthday here with the people i love (my family) and having a holiday afterwards, we never got one last year, the whole year was just a constant slog of work, so hopefully this year we will get some time out, weve got tents to take the kids camping, so many nights sleeping at the beach and woods instore, im really excited weve found the perfect place and are roughing it for as few days.........my kind of weekend..

Anyway the house is falling silent the kids are off one by one, so its time for mum to clean up now before i can go to work......... its tuesday, its windy but at least that sun is shining day...

Have a great day everyone...

Dancing tonight yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Thoughts that count

We went out Friday to meet up with friends after work had a swim, a meal and spent the evening having a great time, everyone was there so it was a real giggle, i look so forward to weekends now, but still cant wait for spring..lol

My sister Denise and Jade also came to see me again with Lacey , it seems to be happening every week now, i don't live out of my family's pocket but really appreciate when we do meet up, i gave her a huge hug, that i have been meaning to do for ages...

So its been a really good weekend, a little windy admittedly, so we couldn't sadly ride Saturday, but we made up for it and had a really nice couple of days..

I did my friends hair Saturday instead of riding which took me 3 hours bless, shes been feeling a bit low so i decided id give her a makeover.. i dyed her hair & restyled it, had some fun with different colour make up, gave her eyelash and eyebrow tints , which was great fun for me although id only left myself about 5 mins to get everything prepared for the evening, and i had made such a mess ..lol but she looked like a new pin , i got such a good feeling knowing id done something to make her feel better, she looked great ...

Dayle came up again Saturday night, he is really coming out of his shell, we had some gifts in our shed that we had brought but sadly never got to give, the kids unbeknown to me went in and opened one.... i was a bit upset (as they were gifts )but kids being kids they just wanted to play it, me and my fella both looked at each other but my fella smiled and cleared the table to play.. hes definitely not very sentimental is he............lol

We sat up til 3am Sunday morning playing games, all the kids were still up and so excited as its the latest they have ever been allowed up, but the night was totally brilliant and my first taste at my family working as one... Dayle has already brought something to us, i love him to bits, hes already trying to sort my hair out and chop it off , so I'm enjoying being rebellious by telling him i want to be a rock babe with hair that looks like its been dragged through a hedge, my fella would hit the roof if i chopped it off ...lol Im just so pleased hes come into our life, i look forward to Saturdays now as much as my fella does, the kids love him and thankfully he likes being the oldest brother....

I woke up mothers day to a bomb site for a house... but in my kids wonderful eyes... mothers day was my special day, so mum will clean it all and just be happier all day with it............. I love their logic and couldn't help but smile, innocence is so wonderful sometimes...

The biggest smile ive had for some time came from callum, he had collected little flowers for me mothers day and sprayed them with my favourite bottle of perfume (thats now empty! hehe) he even made a little box for them.. how sweet was that, but guess where he hid it ?

Under the toilet................................hehehe

I sat in the bath listening to the radio and i could see this little pink box squished under , i was really praying it wasn't a cake ! ....

So I'm now having to shove petals down my bra to smell nice, but at least the thought was definitely there.......bless

Bonfires and Bangers

We went out tonight and took the kids to Corpusty for their local bonfire and firework celebration....

We had a totally brilliant night.. the kids really enjoyed it and i was really pleased it hadn't changed from the last time we were there..

It starts off with the locals all dressing up taking the guy and a parade all round the village, most of the people were outside the pub all enjoying the character of the night, everyone seemed so friendly..

There was a guy playing his guitar singing brilliantly through huge speakers to the dancing town centre so i had a dance with the kids on the green and one by one we went through the hot dog and jacket potato stands..lol they certainly know how to throw a party there, it was one of the best bonfire nights ive ever had..

Theres non of this pay on the gate lark, you just put into a collection pot whatever you can afford so families are encouraged there,as you don't need a mortgage to get in, not like some of the big displays where they charge you per adult or child, ive been to these displays and just like they have done to Xmas they have taken the fun away from what we originally celebrated and over commercialised everything... this is what its all about, everyone joining in and celebrating together, my kids were playing with the locals and in their elements...

We were joined by our friends as they phoned to see where we were going ,so came with us to see if it really was as good as we remembered, the verdict was unanimous... it was .....

The fireworks were the best ive ever seen and the funny guy on the mike went to town as they were in full display and had everyone cracking up, it was just lovely and like stepping back into time...

I took my camera and watched my sons face drop as he really did believe the guy was a real man who the village were setting fire to.....lol (well he is small and i do use the word guy ) but after he knew he seemed to really enjoy his night, i couldn't work out why he was so quiet to start with...

I have to be up early tomorrow, i have to be ready for the riding photos by 9.15 (which is not going to be easy getting my daughter out of bed and dressed to ride..lol but all that fresh air has worn me out so im going to enjoy the rest of those fireworks from my bedroom tonight...

So next year for any of you that live close enough to Norfolk, check it out..it really is something special.. especially if you love getting into the true spirit of things....

I was mesmerised by the grand finale.. it looked like a meteor shower raining down on us and lit up the sky in the most breathtaking gold waterfall, the best bit about sitting round that huge fire for me was watching the flames light up a pitch black clear sky to show me all those huge smiles my kids were hiding, some moments are priceless and tonight was way up there.......

Shine

Ive had one of the best nights out last night, that Ive ever had...

we went to our friends house to meet their families and celebrate Stevie's 21st birthday..

It was a hell of a night, they were all so lovely, the whole night was..

I got to meet the people that i hear so much about, and they were all everything i expected and more ..

Everyone was so lovely and i really felt privileged to be part of it all...

I had too many vodka's (and am paying for it a little this morning), so i did break a tradition of not singing on their karaoke machine and totally embarrassed myself, in the hope it would help the ones that can sing really well to get on there..lol after all if i had a go, they will all rush to get the microphone off me ..hehe

And it worked ! everyone was singing and dancing away having fun together ...

I met some beautiful people and really enjoyed my night with them...........

My friends are off on holiday Tuesday and I'm really going to miss them, and I'm so pleased i got to spend such a lovely night with them and their family before they went...

Everyone ended up in the jacuzzi towards the early hours, with one special man getting his first turn in it... his face was a picture and his smile said how much he was enjoying it ........bless

Sometimes its not just a father that brings strength to his son...... the son can also give the same gift back to his dad...... and last night showed that........

we had such a fantastic night with them all, its had me singing and smiling away today...

The highlight for me was listening to them all jam together, they are all so musically gifted and hearing them play, really made my night, i love music especially when it comes from the heart and last night really touched mine.......

Thank you for making me part of it..........

Roots

lol... im so pleased tonight, ive been to see my dad and grandparents, i never seem to get enough time so tonight i made time.... precious time to me , it meant alot

Ive had such a lovely time, been talking to my dad and grandads been spoiling me rotten..

I took my little car, its back from having new wheels on it, im slowly getting used to driving an automatic lol, although i have to sit on my hand as i keep going to change gear..lol

My dads already offered to buy the car from me if i ever want to sell her bless (no chance) , he really loves it , im over the moon with it.. i may have lost my other little car, but i feel tonight ive got something much better.....the beauty is this car is 10 years old, so its not just people that shine if they are looked after well..........lol

I mustn't tell my fella, but my grandparents like mine better than his...lol (mines got angel eyes!) lol ........ with the devil driving it....lol

but ive come home ladened with gifts for the kids, smiling for england and really content tonight.......

I have a paris trip in the next week or so (as soon as my passports here) and am going to enjoy this weekend, i have lots planned, horseriding tom ! but have got to get a few hours out and go to the beach, my cars not lived in til theres sand in it....lol (it goes with me)

If anyone enjoys getting a video out and likes watching films that have a good story, ive got one for you, its called " blood diamond" and take it from me this is one of the best films ive seen in years, its way up there in stories to make you look at life through others eyes and realise how lucky we are here, it had me transfixed..... so if you want a good night with a dvd go and hire it.... its a must see......