Out with the Old - In with the New

Spring has arrived.. Changing of the seasons and everything else. So much is happening here.
I've been talking to my fella about a change in career for me, I want to make a change and do something different. You get to an age as a woman that you don't want to carry on the same as when you were younger, your tastes change and attitude and it looks like I've arrived at that place.
Im sick of clothes and want to do something different now, using different skills and adding to the ones I have already He's agreed whole heartedly, so we are doing something together that's a bit different, I've also been offered 2 jobs running companies for 2 of his past customers,that I can run from here easily, will allow me enough time to still run this place as mum and still run my project with Steve. Im nervous and excited all at the same time. Will fill you in once we are up and running... You will like this one!
My fella meanwhile is going from strength to strength, today he's spending half the day managing a big site in Essex then he's off to Manchester, I put my machines up for sale yesterday and within 60 mins had sold the 4.. Poor bugger has to deliver them for the chap though but I actually made a good profit on them as well as had use of them for years.. Its enough to help along our new business so he doesn't mind a small detour (huge one more like)
He was headhunted by a good firm a couple of months ago and is now running a Norfolk branch here for them, its a lot of thinking and organising, but he's in his element and it shows. His new van comes next week also, so I get to keep the car for a change, Im really pleased he's done so well, I knew he would..
We have a new unit tucked away where we will go to work on the new business and have been getting it ready to use over the last 2 months (I've been painting and he's been making) I have been thinking about changing my work for a long while now, some will say im mad as its doing so well, but I want something different to get my teeth into, a new journey and I don't believe you can sell clothes to people in the same way as you can when you are younger, unless the clothes are older styles, and I've always been a jeans girl at heart. It just doesn't excite me anymore, I want something I can do as a hobby for the next 20 years but have fun while I do it, so im going to follow my heart.
 I've had years of people copying me and mimicking any new ideas I had and this change means that I will get to spend more quality time with my fella as we both love this and do it as a hobby now, I wont be reliant on earning money as I'll earn enough on the Monday-Friday ones to add to the house pot, but it means weekends away and plenty of walking with my fella and that's what matters most now. I asked my kids what they thought I was good at: the answers came back from cooking, sewing, gardening and creating, but they all said I was good at making something old look amazing, im the first to admit I love charity shops and car boots and this means I also get to up-cycle things and give them a new lease of life.. Perhaps to last another 100 years. There is so much waste in the world, im hoping I can help a little in my own way and have fun at the same time...

Im going to sell everything off in my shops and see where this leads. If it takes off and I do these other jobs well, I will make a complete change and close them all down. My kids all have their own paths to follow and my daughter doesn't like clothes and I don't want to end up like a woman I once knew who we called racing blonde, she would sell young peoples clothes and model them herself even though she was in her fifties.. She was the brunt of so many cruel people but I blame the husband (he was the photographer) for not telling her she was too old to model anymore.. That man was never honest with his wife! and cruel with it.. Our tastes change and so do mannerisms and no one wants to be looked on as mutton dressed as lamb anymore.

Meanwhile, as I think about the kids.. They are currently doing GCSEs  and are studying (yes properly up the table and all) they are all so different in their ways. My daughter and I have grown so close walking our blind dog, we now get time alone that we use to learn about each other, she has grown up so much and really is a lovely young lady, she told me she was struggling with Ryan's girlfriend using all my stuff (my make up, shower stuff, perfumes clothes etc) as she finds this rude! and to be fair sometimes I do get pissed off when I go to pluck my eyebrows and my make up bags disappeared but I don't let it get to me. She only acts how she has been brought up to behave so its simply lack of parenting skills there, im sure we can help her adapt to understand things better as time goes by and now at least Lauren understands that decisions we make as parents do affect our children most, as some kids simply are left not knowing how to behave through no fault of their own..

Lauren wont ask for anything, she wont take any clothes from stock if I ask her what she needs as she thinks this is bad as its a company and not free stuff, so she earns jeans etc for doing chores for me, she's grown up into a little me, she's a jeans girl to the heart and it will suit her in her life's journey of working with animals. Its the sort of job where you get your hands dirty and she doesn't mind in the slightest. She's so much like me that way.. Im always happy with im up to my neck in muck or paint.
Callum was interested in renewable engineering, and has now been accepted into a brilliant college, hes the thinker and puzzle maker in the family and is so much like my real dad its scary. He will always look at what needs doing and find the best solution to get it done. Except empting the bins every morning, he will always go for the recycle bin first and quickly, so Brandon gets the messy household one for not doing it as soon as I asked!

Brandon has learning disabilities and suffers from dyspraxia and  is also dyslexic so hes not as bright with literature etc, but where he blossoms is with art, music and computers so is now hoping to attend college to study animation, his interview is next week. He has already been accepted into college for graphics but he knows what he wants to do and is working his arse off to get into the market he wants to do.. I think he will do it, hes the worker in the family and no one tries harder.

Ryan meanwhile is a year away from being a fully qualified electrician and had his first driving lesson last night with mum hanging out of the window smiling away.. Poor lad!
He's installing his first ground source heat pump next weekend with one of Steve's partners (another business he's built up running in the pipeline) and is now going to work weekends so he can get his lessons done and buy himself a little car.
Im gonna need a list soon to keep up with everything that's happening here. But im strangely very happy with my life at the moment...

Changing Seasons

Is it March already? Where has the time gone... I have got life coming back into the garden at last..

Things at the madhouse are still as mad as ever, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I lost one of my dogs 3 weeks ago, which was heart-breaking. He wasn't the ill one who has diabetes but the one who's always happy Dexter. He had a tumour on his pancreas and over the course of the week became very ill. My fella and me took him to the vets but within hours of the tests starting they told us just how ill he really was. He wouldn't recover from the tumour so the vet asked us to put him to sleep. My fella couldn't do it, so I went in and stayed with him, he's been with me for 10 years so saying goodbye was painful. His sister (my other dog) pined at nights but is adjusting to life on her own now. She's a complete pain in the backside with food so I have to cook her food everyday.. no dogfood for my little diva, fish, chicken and steak mince if you please...lol The vet thinks its amusing as they couldn't get her to eat normally either and as she has to eat before I inject her, so she knows if she doesn't eat it, muggings here will just cook her something else! But she's still with us, so I must be doing something right. I cannot even explain the feeling I have when I take my blind dog out for walks, people look at me like im mad but she knows where she is alright and enjoys it just as much! I literally have to steer for her, but she's very happy and still manages to run like hell round the woods... I've learnt not to get into a deep conversation with my daughter when we walk her together though, Frankie walked into 3 trees last night as Lauren was too busy looking at the birds! That dog must have a tough head or one hell of a headache today...

I've now adopted another young lady here Samantha! One of the triplets Brandon has met a girl at college, who is beautiful.. I couldn't stop staring at her the first time he brought her round for tea, she's very intelligent and has been brought up with all the manners and values a young lady should have, she's also nearly as tall as him which of course means, she's also taller than me! she's now a regular for meals 3 nights a week on top of Ryan's girlfriend Kaytee.. The house is growing fast!

This week has brought us quite a few sleepless nights, we made the mistake of buying a full memory foam mattress a month ago which my fella hates! he cant lie on his side without falling out of bed, (which I found highly amusing) and we have both suffered from backache, so yesterday we had to go out and get a a new one.. I must say a good nights sleep was had by all... I was getting used to  waking up and needing at least 10 mins to stand up straight. Im glad we changed it now as I feel like I've actually been to sleep today :)
So many things are happening here at the moment, we don't know if we are coming, going or just been.... but we are going with the flow and seeing what happens next. One things for sure, its never boring! And I do greatly appreciate my fella when he cooks on Saturdays, as this place seems to have doubled its occupancy now! Its apparently the 'Inn Place' to be and the foods great! (just ask the dog!)

Welcoming in 2014 A New Year

I've been having a giggle looking through Facebook today, at all the parties and goodwill messages sent! Is it me, or is anyone else sick of festivities? I have cooked for just about everyone this Christmas, had far too many late nights and early starts (I have to get up at 6am regardless to inject my dog) so this morning after a 3am bedtime, I got up at 6 reluctantly, fed and injected the dog and went back to bed... Rarely done, but something I needed this morning. I am well and truly knackered!
We spent a lovely Christmas entertaining family and friends, but today im finding myself saying 'No Thanks' to any invites coming.. I just want a quiet night in like a hermit, with a 2 hour bath to sort myself out, as I've had no time, and no visitors! So am cooking something completely un-turkey based and making a Spanish omelette..lol
My sons g/friend has become a second daughter so I've shipped them out round a mates for the night, rather than having the mates here.. simply bliss. The other kids spend half their time in their rooms anyway so the night looks promising and quiet.
This year has I feel been the most hardest yet! My fellas broke his hand, theres been endless challenges and changes and to top off the lot my little sisters hubby has been in a coma for 5 weeks fighting for his life.  The strain of worrying about everyone has grown so deep. I spent Xmas praying Jason would come out of his coma 'whole' as the Dr's felt he could be paralysed or brain damaged, that prayer was answered. He's awake and now off the ventilator, although we still don't know what caused him to have a 3 week seizure? she was in pieces and the worry and stress was spread throughout the sisters. They have certainly had an emotional start to their relationship! she nearly died, then he did. But its cemented the fact these guys really do want to be together.. My hopes are not for me or resolutions filled with things I want to do, but my sister and her little family, that this year things are better and easier for them... I know we can deal with most things here, as we have got pretty good at climbing mountains and braving storms. I would just love for her, not to have to go through any more grief...
My fella is starting 2014 with a very sexy beard and 2 stone lighter than he was in the summer. So we are going back to dancing again this year. I miss my music and it will be nice to meet up with our friends again. Its our 21st year together and I love the man more than ever. So its time we had a flirt with each other on the dance floor and went back to salsa.
He really has the naughtiest eyes when dancing and im looking forward to seeing, just how wide I can open them..lol
As for what 2014 brings? I will turn each page over, day by day and see what stories it holds..
Im healthy, happy and loved and that's the best gift I could ever wish for....

Happy New year to everyone! I hope 2014 brings you all Health, Love and Happiness.

Feeling Peaceful

It was a really good weekend, sunshine, the forest, followed by the beach. How lovely is this weather?
We both took the weekend off and spent some quality time as a family at Sherringham Park and then the beach. We walked aprox 10 miles this week, which felt great, the kids were great company and really enjoyed the day. We ended up getting lost (which I actually enjoyed) as we took and old steam train back, which didn't actually go to where we thought, so ended up in the middle of another forest cracking up laughing as it was, by that point dark.

My fellas been in a romantic mood all week which has made me smile.. It must be the heat!
Unfortunately his work has gone mad so he's juggling as usual, but as long as he takes time off we wont miss the summer. It's partly why I did the garden differently, at least when its all lit up at night, its too pretty to ignore, so we spend hours out there talking. Its a lovely way to end a day.
We have lots of plans and things on the go, its exciting to wake up again and wonder what's going to happen today.
This weekend we are throwing a BBQ. We have a night out on Friday with my family, which i'm looking forward to, but Saturday its Aylsham car boot followed by sangria and good food. Now I have a garden we can actually sit down and enjoy it in. I love Saturdays!
The plants are maturing and its starting to look really colourful now. I didn't mention the lights id got, so no one knew the place would glow at night, until it did. I cant wait to show my granddad! He's like me and loves lights.
I'm still not sure whether I want fish in the pond yet, ive planted wild watercress hanging from a bucket, that the water runs through and have some amazing plants to put inside for wildlife growing strong and to be honest, its enough...  I just wanted peaceful.. and sitting there watching the butterflies and birds, listening to the water, brings me that.  I'm a flip flop girl at heart and always will be.
I finally got to pick some of the cherries off my tree, which was brilliant. I only take half, so the birds enjoy them too, but so far its given me 6lbs and its still going strong. I'm going to soak them in brandy then half coat them in chocolate. I tried them once at chant and never forgot them...
This year feels all about family.. My family are coming together strong and even my fellas is now too, we have both his sisters close now and it feels lovely to see them so often. Things change and so do people, and sometimes time changes people for the best.
This afternoon i'm going to Anglia square as usual with my grim reaper uncle! He's really not, that's just what my mum calls him. He has me in hysterics when he starts teasing my mum, he times her, to see how long we are there, before she starts moaning... so far the record is 6 mins... lol
I realise how chilled out my house is and appreciate that although we have 6 adults living here, we are a really peaceful house regardless. I couldn't see it before! but I can now. I always wondered why people came here? and thought they were just nuts! but after talking to them and asking why, you start to see through others eyes and realise just how special this place is...
Every day is: Just what you make it. And we are rich in a way, that money could never buy.
I think at last we have found our balance...

Sex saved a life

Things always come together, don't they say? Well this week they have!
My little sister was rushed to hospital Saturday night by ambulance, she had terrible pain in her stomach and couldn't stand. She blamed herself, as she has now found a lovely fella and their relationship moved up a level to a sexual nature, this she thought was what caused the pain, that she shouldn't have had sex.
 After endless blood tests and drips they discovered she had contracted a super bug at the hospital when she had her hysterectomy done 6 months ago, she had cancer cells that were spreading badly so they took it all away, the infection has been living in her wound since and growing and when she then had sex for the first time since the op, showed up what was happening inside.
The superbug had spread to her organs, the Drs said that if she hadn't had sex she would have died of blood poisoning, as it was everywhere inside her and no one knew!  because this chap was 'forgive my pun' built like a king dong! he may have actually saved her life.
Its been a close call, she's now been in hospital over a week with my mum trying to look after her 3 kids and endless animals, we are all taking it in turns to help, but are so relieved to see her looking so much better in herself last night, they have found the right antibiotic to kill the infection finally, so hopefully now she will make a full recovery.
Her poor fella doesn't know where to look! he's getting endless jibes about sleeping with his girlfriend for the first time and putting her in hospital from his brother! but he's there everyday with her and supporting her through this which shows how keen he is.
What basically happened was because she was so poorly inside, having sex perforated a layer of skin that had been holding it all inside her body. I'm glad she decided to have a 'fifty shades' night of rampant lust or I wouldn't have my sister with me anymore.
On the amusing side I cant wait for her to get well, so I can invite the poor chap round for a BBQ! I have some giant hot dog sausages all ready with some tiny little rolls to stuff them into...lol

Proud

Where did Monday go? I missed it!
Things are finally getting sorted out for my fellas sister, the kids start school today, which I'm sure will help them get some normality in their lives. The smallest is adamant he's not going to school, so I expect there may be a few tantrums this morning.. Bless, He wants to come back here as he likes our cooking better than mums.
Next week is my grandparents 70th wedding anniversary! I thought id done well at 20 years with Steve but when I see my grandparents together it really does bring a tear to the eye, they are just made for each other and still very much in love. Granddad was telling me last week when we invited them up for a meal about his erection problems ;) yes literally. He says he gets tremendous cramps in his big toes so sits there all night with what looks like 2 great erections! I nearly choked on my potatoes and couldn't stop giggling all afternoon. My eldest sister went on holiday last year with them and says one night when she took granddad back to his hotel room (rather worse for wear) that he hadn't got into the door when he started. "You are in for a good night tonight Gladys" my sister couldn't shut the door fast enough... lol
Nanny has just gotten over skin cancer at 90 and had an operation on her face last week. She wasn't worried about the operation, just concerned she couldn't have her hair done so its nice for granddad.
I forgot to mention in my last blog about one of my dogs 'Frankie' its a little scruffy thing I named after my best friend when he was alive. She was on a diet with her brother dog 'Dexter' here but got very ill. She lost over half her body weight in 2 weeks and then stopped eating completely! The vets didn't know what to do as she couldn't stand up so suggested I put her to sleep. She is 10 years old.
I took her home that weekend as they couldn't just keep her on a drip to feed her and said that if she hadn't eaten by Monday I would do what was best for her, I couldn't see her suffering like that.
On the Saturday night my tough old fella- who apparently doesn't like kids or dogs, sat feeding her creamed rice on a teaspoon! and she ate it! we then spent £1,500 trying to find out why she was so ill and discovered she had diabetes. 3 weeks after being diagnosed she lost her sight completely, within a week!  We took her out for her usual run in the woods, for her to crash head long into a huge tree!She simply couldn't see it, we both just stood there horrified.
The vets showed us other dogs that coped just fine being blind so we have just adjusted things here to help her. You wouldn't believe its the same dog, she is brilliant! I get up at 6am every morning to feed her and give her insulin and then again every evening, but for a dog that was on deaths door she is inspiring and also very happy. She still goes into the woods every day, just stays on a long length lead that I try and steer for her. Her sense of smell seems to have heightened and she simply smells her way around the house and garden now. I'm glad we didn't give up on her, she is harder work than our other dog, but is definitely worth it.
Sunday was a really good day, my eldest son Ryan was presented with a huge honour 'The Queens badge'
They held a big service and unfortunately we had to sing! with me in hysterics laughing at my fella trying to hit high notes! he's as bad as me! but overall I came out feeling the proudest mum in Britain as all us mums feel with our children. He's 18 now and has spent 12 years working in the community and helping others to get this award, he spent a month down my nanny and granddads community area, along with so many other places, serving up dinners in his spare time and taking 30 elderly people shopping every week! he's one of the most caring, calm and happy people I know, I'm really fortunate to have such lovely kids.
The other boys are 2 years behind him and are now working towards theirs. We will be the 1st family ever to have all the brothers get this award so its something good for the other 2 to aim at now. It also does them good to help others and help their planet and not sit on street corners smoking like most do around here.

Guests Coming to Stay

Its been a very long night. I've been tossing and turning most of the night worrying.
My fella got a call yesterday from his sister, who lives away. We haven't heard from her for a while so hoped everything was ok, the last we did hear was she was getting married at Xmas out of the blue, she never even mentioned she had a fella!
What has taken place was a spiral of hitting rock bottom, the new husband was a heavy drinker, abusive and lazy, instead of him raising to her standards and cleaning himself up, she sunk to his level and started what now uncovers to end up drinking daily with him and neglecting everything else.
Her two elder kids are old enough to go their own way, but the two little ones (6 and 10) is what's been concerning me, they are really sweet little kids and deserve some stability and security, its not their fault. As from last week they have been homeless, her landlord evicted them so its been garages and friends sofas for a week. Yesterday she woke up and phoned for help, the social services want to take the kids into care until she can get another place to live. She's stayed in the same job for 11 years so has a good job there, what she doesn't have is enough for a deposit and a months rent up front.
We have offered to take the 2 small ones here until she can sort herself out housing wise and get a home ready for these kids, they must have had such a shit time of things recently. I can get them into a local school while they are staying and although we are already squashed with 4 teenagers we are going to make room somehow... It looks like me and Steve will be getting the couch.
My family are all saying I cant take them as I have enough on my plate now, but as long as my lot all help me here with them we will manage just fine. Its better they are with family who love them even if it is a big one, than be taken into care in my eyes.
The kids are really excited they are 'going on holiday to aunties' and arrive today! meanwhile I need to buy some sleeping bags for me and Steve..
You really do have to be mad to live here...lol

Bookworm

I took an unexpected day off yesterday and really enjoyed it! I did the packing early and made the mistake of reading an intro to a book someone had sent me the link to online......... That was it, for the day..
I was ribbed constantly by my fella as i wasn't working and do you know what? I really didn't give a hoot, it was worth it, so i ignored everyone and read the whole book! I haven't done that for years.. I used to love reading but ended up not having enough time so stopped ...........My fellas face was a picture, he just couldn't help himself and kept calling me lazy, hoping I'd bite and stop reading it.......Nope.. Yesterday i was lazy, i did what i wanted for a change, not what everyone else wanted me to do........All 103 chapters of it...hehe...
Today its the Barford festival.... I'm so looking forward to this.......
I feel strangely refreshed this morning............ Watch out world!

Limited

Yesterday was a good day. My fella had shit loads to do he worked all day and all night bless.. he must be knackered today.. Hes got 4 important meetings today so im spending the day alone. Im nervous but have to do this.. for his sake as well as my own...
I used to love my days on my own, i could work paint and do all those bits i enjoy doing,I got over the first lot of problems and went back to life as normal, but i must admit the last lot has left me nervous to do that yet.
I was hoping my mum would come up for an hour or so but no such luck.. shes out shopping looking for furniture for her new flat she hasnt got yet, everyones quick to say "let me know if you need anything", but when you do need someone theres never noone there... lol..
I should have known better for hoping.
This implant thingy isnt nice, the wound is healing nicely but its so fucking big in there it sticks into something inside everytime i move.. bending forward manages to hurt the most as it smacks into my collar bone, I hope this isnt how its gonna feel and hope its only til it heals properly.
I'd love to get back dancing and riding so i can feel more positive, sitting in this place is doing my head in... Im getting through editing today so it doesnt keep looking at me unfinished..but my hearts not in it today if im honest.. Its so lovely out there i keep thinking about the beach and going for a walk, but ive promised ill not do anything stupid..
I feel like ive been dragged through a hedge backwards, my hair is making me feel like shit, I need to sort myself out so i feel better but am not allowed a bath til tomorrow... its the first time in years ive not painted my nails and kept myself pruned and it does make you feel like crap.. I need to find that ' you'll soon sort yourself out girl mindframe.....and think positive
Im going to salsa tomorrow so my fella can get back dancing, its agua on friday and one of the best party nights going, which is gonna be a shit, how im supposed to sit there all night and not dance is beyond me.
It says you can go back to normal activities around 10 days after the op as soon as swelling goes down and stiches are clean..but as the drs said i needed more meat on me to cushion round the implant so im starting to believe that salsa as i know it, may not happen for a while yet..im seeing the dr again tomorrow so im gonna speak to him and see if theres anything i can do to help myself more..
Half of me wishes id have one of these siezures quickly so this thing can do its job and they can take it out, the other half hopes i never have to experience one again.... It could be a day or a year waiting like this so im gonna have to get used to it being in there.. it can stay in for 18 months so i need to shut up moaning.. its there to help and thats how i have to look on it..
Id love to just get in the car and go for a drive today....... i really miss those simple things.......
I get enough warning when these start that i can get myself on a floor or stop what im doing so im hoping the dr says i can get back to some kind of life again.. Its my fella ive felt sorry for, hes not ill and has to fucking sit here all the time.. I love my home but i dont love being shut in it !

Torn

Sometimes as much as i dont want to, i cant seem to help myself.. its been like that this morning..
Im just back from going with my fella to see the dr, this time its for him.
Since ive been ill hes not feeling so good in himself, i know its worrying about me and the fact hes trying to hold everything together here, i feel so reponsible for everything falliing to bits, im not myself at all at the moment.
I honestly think he would be better off away from here now.. one of us feeling like this is bad enough, two just isnt fair..
The kids are getting older, less dependant and i know if i was left alone id have to sort this out. At the moment im an emotional mess with a head full of questions i have no answers for today.
My chest is fucking sore, yesterday was such a drainer.. I thought they would cover me up a bit but instead i watched them do everything as its gone in my upper chest.. emotionally i wasnt prepared for how it made me feel inside and how scared i was on that table.. I counted everyone of those 30 stictches go in, hoping on each one that would be the last ...thinking to myself, whats gone in has to come out ......
The nurses kept asking why i was on my own, i was the only person in there who didnt take someone with them. but ive got to the point where i dont want anyone there to see that shit happen, it affects them just as much, its probably better if they do ignore this.. I dont want to make him ill and im simply not myself at the moment............

Thankful

Well its thursday already, the good news is grandads doing really well and is now expected to make a full recovery, hes out of intensive care and day by day is gaining back his strength...

Isnt he one tough cookie, the surgeon cant believe how well hes done, when they opened him up they said it had then started leaking so within 3 hours he wouldnt have been with us, its been a rough week for everyone but we honestly couldnt have wished for better news..

I went and collected my mum from Gatwick Tuesday...lol I had to laugh as she honestly never stopped talking, after about 2 hours i was sound asleep in the front seat and she was apparently still talking away..lol she hasnt changed at all that way, although shes lost so much weight she doesnt look anything like she used to, so we are all going to try and fatten her up a bit, ive been sending down hot meals to my nannies for everyone and with my sisters help we are all trying to help in our own little way.......

This weeks been so busy i havent stopped yet, but its really helped as it gives you plenty to do and passes the time quicker..

Tuesday was also my kids birthday !! yes ive survived 11 years now ! lol The day was as manic as you could imagine but a really good day for everyone, all our family came to see them and a few of our friends also made the day one to remember..

Ive started to feel more like myself again now, thankfully (thats my fellas words) hehe

Im still working round the clock but the finsihing post is finally in sight now so perhaps we can get back into our salsa now and start to enjoy a few of those parties !! lol

Im heading for paris this weekend at some point only for a day or so, so its a week to look forward to... its salsa tonight at the staithe so im grabbing a dress and boots and going to enjoy a vodka and dance with our friends....

You lot better watch out though ive been shut in all week with just a bucket of stress for company and boy do i need to let off some steam.............................lol

Dont say i didnt warn you all.....................lol

See you guys tonight xxx

Thoughts that count

We went out Friday to meet up with friends after work had a swim, a meal and spent the evening having a great time, everyone was there so it was a real giggle, i look so forward to weekends now, but still cant wait for spring..lol

My sister Denise and Jade also came to see me again with Lacey , it seems to be happening every week now, i don't live out of my family's pocket but really appreciate when we do meet up, i gave her a huge hug, that i have been meaning to do for ages...

So its been a really good weekend, a little windy admittedly, so we couldn't sadly ride Saturday, but we made up for it and had a really nice couple of days..

I did my friends hair Saturday instead of riding which took me 3 hours bless, shes been feeling a bit low so i decided id give her a makeover.. i dyed her hair & restyled it, had some fun with different colour make up, gave her eyelash and eyebrow tints , which was great fun for me although id only left myself about 5 mins to get everything prepared for the evening, and i had made such a mess ..lol but she looked like a new pin , i got such a good feeling knowing id done something to make her feel better, she looked great ...

Dayle came up again Saturday night, he is really coming out of his shell, we had some gifts in our shed that we had brought but sadly never got to give, the kids unbeknown to me went in and opened one.... i was a bit upset (as they were gifts )but kids being kids they just wanted to play it, me and my fella both looked at each other but my fella smiled and cleared the table to play.. hes definitely not very sentimental is he............lol

We sat up til 3am Sunday morning playing games, all the kids were still up and so excited as its the latest they have ever been allowed up, but the night was totally brilliant and my first taste at my family working as one... Dayle has already brought something to us, i love him to bits, hes already trying to sort my hair out and chop it off , so I'm enjoying being rebellious by telling him i want to be a rock babe with hair that looks like its been dragged through a hedge, my fella would hit the roof if i chopped it off ...lol Im just so pleased hes come into our life, i look forward to Saturdays now as much as my fella does, the kids love him and thankfully he likes being the oldest brother....

I woke up mothers day to a bomb site for a house... but in my kids wonderful eyes... mothers day was my special day, so mum will clean it all and just be happier all day with it............. I love their logic and couldn't help but smile, innocence is so wonderful sometimes...

The biggest smile ive had for some time came from callum, he had collected little flowers for me mothers day and sprayed them with my favourite bottle of perfume (thats now empty! hehe) he even made a little box for them.. how sweet was that, but guess where he hid it ?

Under the toilet................................hehehe

I sat in the bath listening to the radio and i could see this little pink box squished under , i was really praying it wasn't a cake ! ....

So I'm now having to shove petals down my bra to smell nice, but at least the thought was definitely there.......bless

Weekend break

Its been a brilliant morning..... what a way to wake up.. ive been with Lauren to our photo shoot on the horses........... i don't know who was more excited her or me, i was up at 5am and watching the clock............lol

The horses behaved so well for us, even if it was normally their day off, i fed them polos, gave them a huge kiss and hoped that made up for it...

We did trotting, cantering and jumping with the photographer not threatening to quit...he was smiling away, so thats a first, and i get to keep my head.......hehe

I also got to dress up along with my horses with tinsell witches hats and giant rabbits.. so it was a real giggle, riding Sorrel wearing red devils antlers...... lol

I got to ride bare back with Lauren sitting on the horse with me too, so that mum and daughter bond is getting stronger by the day now, we were giggling so much as she held the leads on my horse as she is only used to a pony, so when Sorrel put his head down she went flying over his head, kicking me in the ribs on the way over..lol

youll all get to see the photos next week complete with boot marks..........lol

Its been such a really lovely weekend, but ive only now got just over an hour to prepare the house and kids before we leave for Paris..........

I was so deep in thought last night in bed,i couldnt sleep, its the simplest things that make me feel happy, and this weekend doing simple things has really made me feel like a different person... the one i used to be....

So although travelling to Paris worries me alot, because of driving there and back safely,(they drive like looneys) so if i do happen to get my calling today ........... at least you all know i went smiling............ lol

I even managed to get all my work done ! yes im up to date with everything ....(i cant quite believe it either) lol

So from tuesady its normal hours, and so much more of this lovely simple stuff.......

Im going to sit under a snow machine next week and stroke a reindeer.............hehe

Friendship and love

As much as we all try to think we can make it alone, at some point in our lives we need it, they bring smiles on days when it pours down of rain, and are there when we need them most...

This week for me, is a really difficult one, I'm filled with memories of things I'm trying to keep as happy thoughts, but when its gone it doesn't feel so happy..does it..

My best friend was taken by a brain tumour 2 years to the day on Sunday, its been in my head all week, things he said, the way he lived his life , as a free spirit, it just goes round and round up there...

I always try to wander off alone somewhere with my thoughts so i don't upset anyone around me by being 'quiet' and deal with it in my own way, but i often sit an wonder,' do they still see us '...

he taught me things, that have got me through some of the most difficult times of my life, was able to make me laugh when i didn't want to, but could also raise my temper up with one sentence..lol

yet we remained so close.. he did use me in some ways, but then doesn't everyone, but i gave as good as i got so that was fair..lol ..but whenever i needed him he was there, unconditionally...

I was moving some material about at the unit on Friday and came across a bag, so thinking it was just odds and ends that i store up, i emptied it out on the table ...

I was lost for words , it was a jumper that he used to wear all the time, it shouldn't have been there, it wasn't supposed to be, but was, i wasn't prepared for it, so it did shake me up somewhat, why now? why this week ...

he was the guy who made me see sense, a long time ago, when i felt that i had no purpose left here, and had drove off in a blur of tears, i didn't know he had followed but he had, and after sitting there all night trying to put back any faith i had in people, he talked me round into going somewhere safe...

He never told a soul about that night, but he did make me realise there was so much more out there, and i gained the strength through his words, to fight back...

This was the same guy i wrote about in love-or-lust.html who was to become my most trusted friend, but he had to leave... it was his time to go.......

It doesn't seem to matter how long ago we lose a loved one, it stays there with us, when we have a good day you're hoping they can see and when those bad ones come, we wish were there for us .. its a friendship that never dies...

This year i will be doing the same thing i do every year and drive somewhere i feel close to him and sit there with my happy thoughts and a candle, i don't want to remember his life with sadness as this guy lead such a colourful life, i can remember calling him the worst names Ive ever called a guy, one night he turned up with a woman who was his 'new love' and the next night with her daughter..lol (and even came back after i called him a paedophile) lol so this guy was as free as they come.. but loved for it..

I take with me lots of memories, that will raise a smile when i need one, its just this time of the year is hard, as you also remember how much you miss them...

So remember if you have special people in your life, think yourself lucky, and let them know how much you care about them today..

After all , you never know when its our time to go...

And as time proves to us, time and time again

Special friendships can last for a lifetime......

Soulmate

It holds many powerful meanings,

Yet we all search for it....

What is a soul mate.....

and how do we know if we've met ours.......



Its our search for the other half of one's soul, complete compatibility, for which all our souls are driven to find ...

Ive been in love with a guy I would have done anything for, we shared so much together and connected in so many ways but in some ways sadly we didn't...

it was the love and lust thing, but nothing further

I didn't feel safe with him, which only a woman can understand... i believe, its a word women whisper to each other, as we all know exactly what it means ..

Safety, security comes when you can feel so close to a person you trust them completely, you trust their words if they tell you not to worry and feel security when they are beside you, as this person also brings you strength, whatever happens if you need them they are there, unconditionally...

I didn't have those feelings, i had the love and passion, but not the trust or belief in him....

Searching for our 'soul mate' means we search for someone who is compatible in every way, some people believe all men and women have their duplicate opposite... someone who shares the same soul, whether there is one person or if there could be more than one...i cant say...

we walk through life day to day, searching for that person who understands us without explanation, hears without words, who we feel without touching..... he or she, is out there...

There is a belief that some souls are literally made to be our mates, for us both to play an important role in each others' lives... sometimes we cant explain strong connections to people we just know they are there, so who are we to argue history....

These souls are thought to have created a connection in a past life and have chosen this lifetime to help each other heal ...

How do we know when we meet them? and how do we know if its them? it is as they say...
you just know .....

The feelings have to be two sided, its no good you believing some guy is your soul mate and stalking the poor fella to death, when he doesn't feel anything for you, except you should be locked up..lol

It has to a mutual feeling from inside out..... so we mustn't get confused here, its a love that goes beyond just love , and a feeling this person completes us..

Its like music sometimes we all hear songs we feel 'must have been written for us' cutting words that sink so deep, right to the core of our very soul's..
this person does the same for us in all areas, its someone we feel we've known all our lives, who understands us, you feel totally comfortable around them, that never have to be anything except yourself with...

I watch every morning an elderly couple pass my house, every day they are there dead on 8 holding hands to fetch the morning paper, the love these guys have makes my eyes well up, for years they walk past, yet every day is like their first, i have no doubts they are true soul mates, just way they look at each other, makes the day a brighter one for me..

So whether we can all get to feel the same is down to us, it may be a case of luck or indeed fate, but whatever comes, never give up the belief theres someone out there made for you, i spent 9 years with a guy who abused me physically & mentally yet every night when i went to sleep i never lost hope..

I wanted my knight in shining armour to come and rescue me, away from all the pain, from the miserable life i had, but knew he was out there somewhere, i just had to find the confidence to free myself up and hope he would find me....

But regardless to whether he would come, it was the hope that made me strong, it gave me that ray of light that i would get up, bath and try to be the best i could, just in case is was today i met him.... and as strange as that sounds it worked...

So if you do or don't believe that person is out there for you, bury your beliefs and look at it as your ray of light..

A little hope that just might grow into something life changing..........

Soul Mate ...

If you have found a smile
that is the sweetest one you've known,
If you have heard, within a voice, the echoes of your own,
If you have felt a touch, that stirs, the longings of your heart,
And still can feel that closeness, in the moments you're apart,
If you have filled with wonder, at the way two lives can blend
To weave a perfect pattern, that is seamless, end to end,
If you believe some things in life, are simply meant to be,
Then you have found your soul mate,
your heart's own destiny.....

Emily Matthews