Where do i start?

Its June 1st. So I thought it was time I started to write again.
Life has gone on regardless and I'm still kicking, although still non the wiser to what kept stopping my heart. My dongle is still in my chest and no plans to take it out yet. People stare of course, but its just part of me now and it doesn't bother me anymore. I think the most changes that took place was the confidence we both lost. It creeps in slowly that you stop doing things, without realising, but its time now to restart our journey of life again and not let the bumps and bruises win. One things clear in our life and that is 'we are both fighters' Summers coming and so we are preparing for one that we can take time to enjoy this year...
The house has seen so many changes, the kids are growing up fast, and whoever said girls are harder to raise than boys was being honest. My daughter is so much like I was at her age - god help us.
My eldest lad is now 18 and makes me so proud, he's turning out to be a lovely man with what seems the best of us both here.. He has my patience and happy attitude to life and my partners work ethic. The other 3 are at that hard age where you have to try and guide them into a mind set of mum and dad cannot do it all for you forever, so get off your butts and prepare!. Brandon although he has learning difficulties is always up at 6 with me and is the least laziest of the 3..

Things you want in life seem to change as you get older. My fella used to want money and a nice big house and all the trimmings, but doesn't anymore. He just wants time now.. time to walk, explore and just have time to do the things we want to do. My philosophy was always " be happy with what you have, anything else that comes along then is a bonus". He can see where I come from now :)

He has after 20 years agreed that I can have a pond! silly I know, but I find fish and running water peaceful, so I'm turning my once overgrown bamboo garden (which has now been recycled into canes for the allotment growers to share) into somewhere I can potter about in and plant, thanks to 30 old sleepers that have travelled from Norway and lots of hard work. These were sleepers that weren't any good anymore as they are all warped and bent! its amazing to think: one mans rubbish will be one girls dream garden. Nothings not any good, its called imagination and thankfully I still have that!

Its not going to be an ordinary pond, I don't like things that look like everyone else has, this is being created so me and my fella can sit out there with a glass of wine and just relax. The bases are all in so today i'm going to Aylsham car boot sale to pick up some old bits to help add some character.

See the Light

Ive come to a conclusion early this morning i want to do some painting.. pretty random even for my standards, I was going to decorate the kitchen, but I'm being pulled more into need to draw and paint direction with people.. I used to love doing portraits when i was younger.

The last 6 weeks have been much better, Ive had no more problems health wise, except for the fact i don't like how i feel at the moment.. Sluggish. That I'm going to start working on today and try to slowly build myself back up again strength wise. I haven't been riding for 2 months and miss it greatly, its the same with salsa, a couple of lessons where my fella took me gingerly. I'm feeling pretty well now so want to reignite a few sparks my health put a damper on.. My things i couldn't do anymore but want to start again..

I'm beginning to believe my fellas theory of stopping smoking could have done this to me.. I did smoke pretty heavy, I'll admit that now, the shock of not smoking could have indeed caused whats happened.. I don't regret it though, I'm glad i stopped. I feel so much better in other ways.
I brought my fella a home brew kit, when he was shut indoors looking after me and positive things have come from this spell in our lives.. One being hes bloody good at making wine now! I've become a dab hand at jams, bread and cooking in general but using only what i grow in my garden to cook with.. Its a challenge and brings such a feel good factor when you get to eat and drink what you've created.....

I never have been a wine drinker which is a shame as there's nothing my fella likes better than cooking a lovely meal and sharing a bottle, so I'm now in training to learn to appreciate its taste and share a bottle over dinner.. after all hes made it so its the least i can do.. We gave my sister a bottle yesterday as she turned up with a beautiful set of copper frying pans for me to swap for jam! they have been hanging in her kitchen unused for years so she brought then to what she called a good home! She phoned up last night pretty late with my mum telling me my fella has hidden talents.. as his wine was bloody amazing stuff..lol

Ive got this huge urge to create stuff, read, paint and go canoeing so the next month along with riding and salsa I'm hoping to do just that.

The dongle (that's what i call it) that's implanted into my chest, reminds me every morning that you really do need to make the most of every day you get. I was guilty of taking things for granted as much as the next man and thankfully have seen the light..

I've even managed to talk my fella into hiring a canoe with me and seeing how many ducks we can scare the crap out of.....

My mum is trying to rebuild her life and I'm the first person up, telling her she needs to do this, watching her get knocked back again yesterday reminds me just how selfish some people can be, but its not about those people... its all about us and what good things we can do with our time here.. Its called making the most of it and not taking anything for granted..

For me today starts with positive thoughts and a belief that things are and will, now change for the better..

Positive

It was so lovely and hot last night, It felt like i was on a holiday!
The last couple of days im getting more back to normal here, it feels good. The garden is looking my kind of lovely, 3 days on the trot ive come up with a great meal from its offerings.
My fella left early with the kids so ive got the day to myself. I really hope this meeting goes well for him, its a national company and would set him off on a bloody good footing. Its important.
After saying that mum now phoned to see if i wanted some company today, she couldnt have timed it better, id love some....... I have bought paints to redo the table and furnishings in the kitchen..
I need to get past this week healthily.. Its the 5th week since the last fit which is usually the week it starts again.. Fingers crossed it doesn't happen this time around. Im feeling good and want to stay that way.....
I cant wait til it rains today.. Im wearing my shorts and intend standing outside in it later.. When you feel a need to do something then you should.. So mums gonna get a giggle today.

Sunsets

I feel so optimistic today, some days when you wake up, you just feel happy. Todays one of those days..
The suns shining, the birds are singing their heads off and it feels good.
Ive been out in the garden with my tea to see whats changing out there and smiling secretly to myself when i see new life peeking through.
Tonight i was hoping to go to the beach, but plans have been changed, my fella, my eldest son and his girlfriend all want to go to salsa so are taking the car.. he wasnt happy about me driving myself up waxham beach alone in case any thing happens to me when im there...
The last time i went to chant i came home so calm and happy inside, it does really make a difference. I got lost of course trying to find roses place but my fella ended up being a taxi which meant i could also have a drink.. I was lost in the chant that night, i felt like i was floating.. It was magical... So i'll wish my friends a warm summer solstice and hope mother nature brings them an amazing sunset to add to their evening.....xxx

We have started the changes to the site, which have been amusing, ive been changing pictures like a looney to load in bigger sizes but love whats happening to it so far.. Im also working on the other shop as thats next..
Im very reluctant to do photos anymore but my fellas telling me to try them, The fact that il have to sit and clone over a lump doesn't make it appealing but its like my fella says, its not in there for ever...This is only temporary........
Tomorrow im going with David for a couple of days to his sisters place to get it ready for her, my eldest has been there all week helping and cannot see what me sitting indoors is gonna do to help, as long as someones there who knows what to do its all you can do, so my fella said yes and is putting all his meetings into the next 2 days so he can do what he needs to while im away during the day. I can't wait to see what the decorators have done up there, tomorrow im taking some pictures of that quaint kitchen of hers to get some ideas for mine as its time i redecorated... Its to die for with that beautiful little range oven... Hopefully i wont though, or i'll be in the doghouse with my lot..........lol
Right back to work now.. I want to get this fnished today..its coming on a treat..

After The Rain

How good is it to see some rain out there, everyone moans but the garden needs it badly, the farmers are depending on this coming. Laying there last night i couldn't sleep, so i just layed there listening to the rain, it was lovely.
I wanted so much to go to the party last night but my fella said no.. He knows its hurting even when i do try to hide it, its bruising from inside out everytime i move, it is gonna take time to adjust to this, im telling my body to accept it but its a pretty big lump for it to ignore, sleeping im fiding most difficult as it burns like mad everytime i turn over, so i was thankful to the rain last night for keeping me company and allowing me some time to think...
Im positive they will sort out my problem, so need to stay focussed now..
Mareks working on my site either this week, ive given him a list of what i want changed and cannot wait to see the look of it, its so dated now, so time that changed.. Everything changes.............
Some changes are not always for the best i accept that, but ive got to now only worry about the things i can change ... Not the things i cannot....
The last couple of months although have knocked me back, have also helped me find that voice i couldnt seem to find when i needed... Things i cannot change i will walk away from, and not loose sleep over. I spent so much time worrying about things i could never do anything about, for what? learning to just worry about just those things i can change... makes sense...
Ill accept whatever comes in the other format and move on..
I did paint my nails last night, for the first time in ages, id been putting it off in case i was rushed back to hospital ( they cant read through polish on the machine) so i simply stopped painting.. just in case.. its madness! Fuck that! Im not living like that anymore......Whatever is meant to happen, will......
I can change today and enjoy every moment of what it brings.. so thats what im doing, even if it means ive been stuck in for a while, ive learnt new things while im in here..which will make this summer an even better experience..
That old rain certainly helped wash some haze away up there last night.. I feel im back on track mentally and want to get myself well, so physically i can do what i want to do again...... Theres so much out there i intend to do yet...
Everything does always look better after the rain, all bright and glistening , filled with fresh hope and wonder.. Or is it my eyes are just seeing clearer for the good old downpour...
Perhaps thats what we all need sometimes, a night of listening to mother natures soothing sounds , washing away old thoughts and feelings, so we can look forward again to see the world for what it could be..... rather than what has been.......

Calm

Yesterday went well, we were up the hospital nearly all afternoon but it was worth it, I had emailed this lady specialist a couple of weeks back and she insited i would be seeing her and not her understudy so i didnt mind waiting. She was worth the wait and really lovely. She wasnt amused the things she asked the hospital to do hadn't been carried out while i was in there previously and promised she will be working with me until im sorted out. I was given the date of the 12th July for this operation but she said it was too long to wait after the amounts of fits i have had now, she filled in forms and told me she wants it done this week, so i am to sit by the phone and wait for a call... Shes not messing about thats for sure. I havent got much faith in the NHS left after the last couple of months but she was really good and helped restore some.
The hospital now phoned and my operations at 12 this Thursday.. I have been told that my sister cannot come with me now as i may need a general anesthetic and not a local.. not going to know apparently til the surgeon looks at me and knows where hes putting this device in ? I hope its a local.. I want to be able to come home.. not good at staying in that place...
Its taken 6 weeks to see this specialist but shes been on the ball today and doing everything she said she would do..
I did half the dress photos at nannies this weekend so im gonna see if my fella will do the other half tomorrow afternoon now, i know he will moan and say no but.. these need to be done as the whole section needs sorting out and redoing, the ones we did i am really pleased with and dont want to do half a job, I can just sit then and sort out that section while i heal from Thursdays op without worrying i have stock there not photoed.. Im not sure whats going to happen once this is done, its a case of wait for the next seizure and then they will know what to do with me.. so i need to prepare if i cannot do photos anymore or need further surgery, i will have time then to get my model in.. ive already got one lined up ready, whos happy to take over..... I'll then be the photographer until Ryans ready, hes doing a photography course at college and cannot wait to get behind the camera taking photos of pretty models... lol
I may do some cooking this afternoon and see if i can get some meals ready here..

Learn

Decided to play dot to dot last night with the ambulance guys, another morning of waking up covered in heart monitor stickies.. they asked me to leave them on overnight in case i needed any more call outs.. I hate this.
Im torn between the devil and the deep blue sea. My fella said as soon as i started to feel unwell i have to let him know, the packing took me all afternoon, i was really tired by the end of it and really grouchy, one of the parcels wasnt paid by paypal and a couple of important letters were in with my book so i couldnt send the kids with the parcels as normal, there were too many for them to carry, so my fella said we would go together, i just wanted to sit down by then, and couldnt.. As soon as we returned and pulled up in the drive i started to feel unwell, the blood just drained from my arms and head again like emptying a swimming pool quickly, I just sat there shuddering with cold.. I came in layed on the sofa and hoped it would go away, all the way through my fella kept asking me should he call an ambulance, he was really not helping me relax, he wants them to be here when i get these so we get ecg readings, but i dont know if its gonna be a full blown one or like last nights milder form without the chest pain.. you get about 10 seconds of that pain starting and and being unciousous thats all.. its so hard for him i know, but i have to keep calm not panic, I really dont know if its gonna escalate or not til it happens.. Thankfully last nights episode did leave.. The ambulance crew were bloody brilliant and sat here with me til he finished his shift, they wanted to take me in but said the same things likely to happen again, ill be sent home until i see this specialist on monday. The ambulance crew are better than the hospital guys by far.. I got upset which i dont normally do with these but they really helped to calm me down and reassure that he was here with me whatever .. He also showed my fella not to panic or stress me out by keep asking me whats happening... That could indeed make these worse and escalate them .. I keep asking him to just sit with me and hold my hand, im trying to stay calm and find a nice place in my head, if you sit there waiting and reporting back every second of what it feels like, surely thats concentrating on the wrong parts... Im sitting in my woods surrounded by blue bells in my head, feeling the breeze on my face.......... and thats how i need to think..

Counting

6 today to go! I don't normally look forward to seeing a specialist but im hoping this lady on monday will answer a few questions we both have, It will also give my fella some peace of mind when this implant is in as he wants to know what he does when i do go out cold is right.. I look on it as it must be or i wouldnt be here writing a blog...
We took the kids to the charity day yesterday, well the afternoon part anyway, they loved it, we didnt do the whole day as it would have been too much.
I didnt do any classes but at least my fella could, that made me feel much happier, as i felt i wasnt stopping everything then for everyone else.. Lauren made a friend and the boys even did tbe regaetton so a good day had by all. I had a few dances when we went back last night for the evening party but kept it sensible.. Its amazing so many men asked me, i didnt think anyone would once they knew id had another seizure but they are good buddies and did.. That made me feel not quite as much the fuck up as i feel at the moment..The stupid part is everyone keeps saying how well i look.. its sods law..
Today im catching up on the packing as i didnt post out Friday and wished i had of done now.. My little helpers are Lauren and Callum, reluctantly by the sounds of it .. whats the betting they get wrong before the first parcel is packed!
They think as soon as they do one job that, that is it for the day, its taken some serious work for my fella to get it into their brains that they need to all do their share everyday.. Making their own bed doesnt count for taking the pressure off mum, although i think in their eyes it does...lol
I noticed a few smiles coming from the girls at that point...lol

Close

Its been a really nice weekend. We had friends round last night for dinner and my fella cooked, I got to do the sweets and thoroughly enjoyed the night. I feel so close to my fella at the moment its bloody lovely.. This has definitely made us both think and realise how right we have got some things,... Hes told me in no uncertain terms i'm not going anywhere.. Ive already been warned with the car battery charger if i don't behave.
I never thought he would take this very well and although its incredibly hard for him hes been such a gem, no matter where i am, hes always close just keeping an eye out..
So far ive had a clear week, i need to try and better last months score of 5 weeks and somehow work out whats causing these. I cant stop living because im frightened somethings gonna happen, I know its highly likely but i also believe that no matter what, as long as i have the will to live, my fella will get me round... he wont give up he loves me too much.. So i want to try and live as normally as we can here..

This afternoon/evening we are heading for Anglia square and to the cinema. I promised the kids id take them to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 two weeks ago and the poor buggers didn't get there.. Hopefully today will allow me to change that.
Its the big bank holiday charity day tomorrow at Acle. we are going!We are taking the kids with us during the day and going back tomorrow night with our friends- if im well enough.. Im really looking forward to this and thinking positively again now thankfully.. It does take time to heal from these and find that warmth again so you can wake up smiling, looking forward to the day ahead..

Wired up

Just back from the hospital being wired up.. im not sure how im gonna hide it up tonight but im going to salsa regardless.. I will just have to wear something baggy.
Its chinese for tea as my fellas bringing it home from work so today im getting the packing done and may take myself off out somewhere. I'm really looking forward to another long weekend.

I've been looking at places to go camping and have found the place i'd love to go first.. its so pretty, surrounded by woodland and a lake..
My mum keeps telling me to book up one of the salsa weekends now.. We havent been able to go before because of the kids but shes happy to move in here with them, so im thinking of booking the castle one i keep looking at longingly and surprising my fella nearer the time.. Its has a 4 poster and jacuzzis in each of the suites which i know he would enjoy... They all bring rum and carry on partying in the rooms, so its on that list of to do things and may come sooner than i expected.
The drs said this morning i can go to salsa as long as i dont overdue things tonight.. im so pleased this monitor is on, at least i can do some normalish stuff now.. if its gonna happen then its being recorded.. that in itself brings some comfort. Ive got the best specialist up there, the nurse confirmed this morning and she is confident she will sort out whatevers causing these.. Its not gonna be easy to to sleep tonight as i have wires hanging out everywhere...

Keep Pumping

My Dr just phoned to put my fella out of his misery, he went on and on about me speaking to the Dr about my next period, hes obviously worried so i did phone him. They are saying as hes read all my hospital records this morning that it is my heart stopping and not just down to blood pressure, that could trigger it but they think it could be the wiring to the heart as the records put it.. I can feel it missing beats and then going like the clappers,so im behaving myself til i get that monitor on tomorrow...
My diet seems to be helping as i haven't had any more seizures now for 9 days which is brilliant.. trouble is they need to sort out whatever's doing this, im helping myself with downsizing all the work i usually do and eating and drinking healthy.. I feel like my stomachs the turbulent sea most days as im having to drink so much water, they said it will pass and that once my body knows im going to keep drinking, it wont hold onto it so much, so i wont feel so full all the time like i do at the moment...Its hard to want to eat after you have drunk gallons of the stuff..Im not hungry at all
Today i am going to do my hair! I wanted to yesterday but if im honest i didnt feel too sharp and as im on my own here all day i have to be careful, so i sat down and didnt do it.. Ive had a few seizures where ive gone down really hard and cracked my head and body.. its taken 2 weeks for the bruises to start disappearing...I cant do photos looking like i did...
Im itching to get back riding and to salsa. I went on Thursday to see the guys and it was hard not being able to get up there and enjoy myself..I did have one dance with gerry and one with steve but wouldnt push my luck. Sharon and Steve agreed that i could go in with the beginners class as sharon's a nurse and can take care of me if i do hit the deck.. so it was a very easy layed back class.. I really enjoyed it.
Ive made Steve promise that no matter what happens if i go down again he will get my heart working, it does seem to restart itself at the moment which is great, but just in case the worst happens, i need to know he will do whats needed and not panic. Ryan said he just sat there holding me, crying shouting for an ambulance.. that's not whats needed, you have to think calm and if needed break a few ribs to get it going again, they taught me that when Brandon used to have apnea's, pain is the easiest way to get a response, short of having a defibrillator on hand... Dr bennett was lovely this morning and has told me if i get any problems today to ring the surgery straight away, he will come, as my fella has to catch a bus home.. They are saying to let this period come as normal, the monitor will tape whats happening and although it will lower the blood pressure again it should also make my heart pump faster.. they dont seem to be sure yet, whats happening just that the heart is slowing down and sometimes stopping.. Gives new meaning to being unpredictable.. Noone seems to know..
I prefer to think its blood pressure.. I can help that myself.. I dont want to go back into hospital so need to feel i can help myself here..Im doing something right as im feeling much better than i was.
Ive managed to gain 3 pounds in weight which my fellas pleased about, its probably all the lemon water im holding butI wont tell him that.. I got so sick of drs telling me im underweight as they couldnt get canula's in my arms,.. am i fuck! ive always been this way, its just everyone in those places are usually obese who have dodgy hearts.. Knowing my luck they will ask me to start smoking soon as its good for me...
Call me superstitous, but ive been carrying the little heart everywhere with me that Fay gave me just before she died.. Did she know?
She gave me a purse as she said it would help me financially, and inside was a hand carved pink crystal polished heart about the size of a 50p peice.. I keep looking at it wondering why she choose to give me that.....
Funny olde world isn't it............

Hot week

Its been a good couple of days, the weathers amazing so we have been entertaining in the garden and doing BBQs.. It was well needed.
Ive been taking it easy and day by day gaining some strength, im not nowhere near back yet to where i want to be, so am doing as im told for a change. My fellas panicking as im due on this week, hes not happy as he thinks it could pull me back down again, so wants me to go see a dr to get it stopped with some pills, im having the heart monitor fitted on Thursday for 5 days so if i end up in a heap again they will see whats happening, i think its a good time to come on as i know it will interfere with my blood pressure, so they need to see my bodies reaction to this..
You can't keep putting things off in life, if its gonna happen then it will..
Davids been such a gem from next door, hes been taking the boys with him all over the place which they have loved.. My fellas on a mission to burn down my house at the moment so i think secretly Davids keeping an eye out..lol We had him round for a BBQ and Firepit on Friday and my fella set fire to that, then last night when emptying the firepit he must have put hot ash in a box as lauren came through screaming fire... my god it was a bloody fire as well, the front drive was up in about 8 feet of flames, along with half of Davids shed! it was a biggy! he was hosing from his end, we were all like gnomes passing water from ours.. hes got gas canisters in there! after me last week and that last night my fellas getting pretty fast with his moving now..hehe
Im gonna have to paint the shed and the fence black now!
Its nice to have some kind of normality back here, the kids have gone back to school and my fellas at work, so ive been sitting here listening to music this morning pottering about, its lovely and quiet so im pretty peaceful. Ive got orders to get done today but then thats it.. housework is banned this week.. its my first week of being left alone so everyones a little apprehensive and helped to get the place sorted out..
I want to try and sort my hair out this morning, up til now i havent been able to, so its a long bath while i do it and the radio for the next hour for company..
Then I'll get the packing done.....
My fella took me to nanny and grandads new place on saturday, its right near anglia square but hidden.. all those years i lived on angel road i didnt know about this place. Its so beautiful, like a little communion set in an oasis. i fell in love with the place, it may be expensive but they have saved all their lives for this.. its well worth the money.
I told grandad to stop worrying about money, he should spend the lot now while they are alive and happy and he seemed to have listened! as soon as im well enough im doing photos there, its perfect for that, and the old dears are all looking forward to watching a photo shoot apparently....lol
I can get changed in nannies and enjoy the garden as i work.. Grandads developed a new lease of life up there, theres only 3 men and 40 women! he hes the hottie according to nanny.. they have a special key that takes them through an alley way straight into anglia square so when i go down now ill park there and use that.. Theres something really enchanting about secret passageways..lol

Scared

The last week has certainly brought shocks.. None of them very nice but that's life's way of smacking you across the head and letting you know nothing is ever certain..
lem went down diving with his diving buddy for lobsters, after my mum had told him not to go, and sadly now looks like he met his end to the sea.. They don't think he resurfaced, he went down along with this other chap, the boat carried on following the buoy as they usually do thinking Lem was attached to find it had been severed.. the tide was taking the boat away from where he was of course and they didn't know.
This morning at 1am 5 days after going missing his diving buoy, air jacket and anchor came to surface along with empty air tanks but still no signs of any bodies.. Its a small comfort to my mum to think that he died quickly by drowning, rather than imagining him treading water miles out to sea for days on end until he no longer had any fight left.. I really feel for her out there and hope my big sister can help her get through such a difficult time in her life.I wish i was there with her..
We may not ever know what happened to him on that dive, but inside i think that a strong current either wedged them somewhere under water so he couldn't get out, he wouldn't have ditched his chest gear otherwise especially not his life jacket un-inflated..It makes sense that he was stuck and when left with no air just went for it and ditched everything for a last minute attempt in getting up to the surface..
My mum told me when she went to live there that if she lived another 6 years with Lem out in Tobago she would die happy, they were married for 12 but shes heartbroken as they had only just got themselves sorted out with building their house and getting the boat up and operational.. she expected that she would die first because of her age.. fate has a cruel way sometimes. Lem was only 39 years old.....
Things from my end havent helped mum much either. A couple of months ago i had a day where i kept experiencing chest pain, everyone said i was overdoing it so told me to slow down,I did in some ways, but this house doesn't allow it for long, things have to carry on and bills have to be paid. I didn't get any more after that day so presumed i was just tired or coming down for something, I was worrying about my gran-parents who were then moving into sheltered housing and upset with some things that had happened.
I have always had low blood pressure so does my mum, so just put it down to that..

last Wednesday after talking to mum on the phone about lems dissapearance i experienced what i can only explain as severe burning, tight pain in my chest, i couldn't breath and had this horrible sick feeling of a burning doom rising from my chest up my neck, I was so sweaty and ill i honestly thought i was on my way out, i cannot remember anymore after that, I woke up being held by my neighbour David with him stroking my face and telling me to breath, surrounded by ambulance men it wasnt really clear what had happened to me.. Id apparently stopped breathing for more than 2 Min's.. Sometimes its worse for those who witness, I was lucky David was there, my fella was at work. david had come to collect me for work, i was supposed to be working at his sisters house that morning! Hes always so calm which was bloody good luck he was at the door when i went down and saw me hit the deck..
I was taken into A&E under blue light which to be honest i don't remember much about, all i can remember was a feeling of feeling so horribly sick. I only had that one attack that day so after 24 hours they allowed me home saying they thought it was Addison's decease.. they took bloods to test for it and said they would consult my Dr as soon as the results were back and that i could go home if i took things easy for a few days..
They didn't think it was my heart then.. but weren't sure what happened as sometimes these things happen with no reason or cure and just sort themselves out...
Within 6 hours of being home the same thing happened again, this time with my fella totally panicking as he thought i was dead in his arms..I had no heartbeat again and no breathing for about 2 Min's...... poor bugger was scared shirtless, hes never been good if i get ill as he will usually ignore me and hope it goes away quickly, but he said he had never been so scared in his life, it really shook him up having to deal with it..
I went back under blue light but within an hour of being in there i had another seizure, my fella had gone to get me some water as i hadn't been given a drink in hospital the day before.. I was so thirsty but they kept saying perhaps later, when he did get them to agree to let me drink, he came back to find me having another seizure.. it really wasn't good.
I have never been that scared in my life.. I wasn't scared of dying, the feeling and pain you get is indescribable, you feel like its the end theres nothing you can do about it, I was just scared of dying alone..
I called and called for help, holding my chest on that bed, 3 or 4 nurses looked at me but NO ONE came.. i cannot remember anymore than
They didn't help, i sat there sobbing pleading for help. One dr looked me right in the eye to then turn his back on me and sit at his work station ignoring what he had seen.... when im feeling better im purposely going up A&E to smack him one.
My fella apparently walked in as it was all happening so could see exactly that no one was there from across the ward.. The nurses only came over when he screamed at her to 'fucking do something' by that time i was fitting on the floor as id fell off the hospital bed.
I can appreciate they get drunks, drug addicts and all sorts of not nice people in there for treatment, but the way i was treated was appalling..It was one fuck up after another for 4 days solid..
I was transferred onto the heart ward for 24 hour monitoring only to find that out of the two monitors they had one was broken, the nurse said she would sort it out in the morning and that i should try and get some sleep.. my fella hit the roof and lodged a complaint saying he was taking me home if they werent capable of looking after me properly. One lady with a clipboard came down from my previous ward panicking saying how sorry she was that this had happened to me again (2nd time in 24 hours) and assured him i would be put straight on the monitor within 5 mins... it was a joke..
I don't complain, i never have done, I will walk away when needed to not cause trouble and try and sort it myself, but when its your life on the line its not funny.. I was so glad he was there to stick up for me..
I did get a monitor after about 4 hours, they just kept unplugging me every 2 hours so they could use the machine to take the rest of wards blood pressures.. and this was a heart ward!
I had 4 more seizures on friday, 2 more Saturday morning while i was unplugged and they were borrowing the machine..
I just wanted to go home......I didnt feel safe in there..
The trouble is there were 7 levels of management up there with no communication at all between each level, my notes were lost, left on a wrong ward and i wasnt given any water, the first thing that comes up with dangeriously low blood pressure is dyhydration.. its happened to me and is happening to other people too! The lady next to my bed was holding my hand along with a cleaner on my last seizure as my nurse was on her T break and the one who was covering was with another patient! that one nurse does the job on her own now that 4 nurses were filling last year.. It says it all really.......
The heart specialist was there at one milder seizure and said my blood pressure was dropping so low it was causing the heart to spasm, seize and stop which was then shutting down my brain as it was being starved of oxygen.. so at least i know what im dealing with here and will try and help myself as best i can.. its not very nice though having to sit there experiencing that pain with the dr chatting away to his understudies watching.. not one of my best armchair moments thats for sure.
I need to get through until the 28th April, so the machine i need is available for me, to tape my heart and record whats happening... The monitors at the hospital dont record, so unless the drs there watching it happen it doesnt help them enough..
I know whats happening as i can feel it, so ive turned to the Internet to help myself..
The internet holds so much valuable information that can really help you feel better...
My dr came to see me this afternoon and says whatever im doing seems to be helping, I havent had a seizure now since Sunday morning so its a really positive move for me .. I'm trying to do a little, then sit down, til i feel well enough to do a little bit more, its slow but its working.. it is my balance and the only way i can seem to hold these off. Unfortunately work doesnt stop for illness, I still had orders to pack as well as a family to look after here.. I came out of hospital to have to pack a weeks orders, if it wasnt the truth it would actually be funny...........
I honestly wondered if stopping smoking wass what had kicked this off.. my Dr said smoking raises blood pressure, which for most people isn't good news, but when you have really low blood pressure it can help and possibly raised mine enough to take me out of the danger bracket..Then again this could have all been brought on by stress, I honestly dont know....
The ironic part is i dont want to smoke, i saw people in hospital who did and who now couldnt breath.......like fay..
Ive had 3 days of drinking neat beetroot juice, raw vegetable smoothies, and drinking 6 litres of fresh lemon water, between meals per day.. and do feel better than i did when i came out of that place... Although I'm still nowhere near where i need to be yet....Id rather be here on my own than that place full of filth and understaffed wards..Im sure you would get sicker just by being there..
Tonight is the first time Ive been left here without my fella so I'm a little apprehensive.. I decided id write in here so i don't carry the worry as the boys are already arguing with each other and stressing me out so i thought this may help me ignore them, it used to help me offload many of my feelings before so hopefully tonight it will grant me the same thing and let tonight go by without ending up back in that place..
Steve has to work, hes had a week off already and missed so many important meetings.. life cannot stop because of this, the kids need feeding and life has to carry on..
I do have Ryan upstairs to help if i call, so i am gonna try and stay calm in myself so i can let him get some kind of normality back.. This place falls to bits when im not here, there's washing all down the stairs and the place looks like a bombs hit it...
The kids Mum here needs to get herself sorted out as quick as possible, the kids have no clean clothes left mum!, theres no help as usual from anyone as there isnt anyone to help..but the other side of Jo's too fucking tired to do whats needed ...its time they all started pulling some weight here..my fella is right on that account..
My mum is flying home with Julie on my birthday in may so im trying to get myself better with some kind of a diet change to hopefully get myself well for then.. if i try and take better care of myself for a change i may be able to do this..

Hello Again

Its been a while since Ive been able to find myself and start to write again, you know when you have so much flying round up there, that you cant quite manage to put everything in order? well that sums my head up to a T...

I'm feeling much brighter now thankfully, have been a good girl and am taking the pills, which seem to be keeping the blackouts at bay, so I'm thankful for that, at least i don't rattle for nothing ! :)

Ryan seems to be settling back into school life nicely again, we are managing to keep up with the home tutoring and he seems to be much better in himself, it went on from all that crap straight into my fella working all hours and the new stock run, so its been pictures, editing, working and falling in a heap..

I have managed to get to riding which i have to say is the one thing that's kept part of me sane, i took Lauren this week so the pictures and videos are thanks to her. If you notice Phil is leading me out, do you know why? Jack is so thoughtful and likes to make a quick dash exit usually leaving his riders in the large pile of horse manure as a thank you....hehe Told you i get all the badly behaved horses didn't i ! its s good job i like bad boys.............

Christmas is fast approaching and boy am i panicking !

I'm starting to feel better in myself but needed some time out to get myself together, wash my hair and start again, if that makes sense, i feel more like my old self now and cant wait to get back to everything.

The new stock is in theres still as some to go in but somehow we managed to lose the photos, so as my fellas away again tomorrow until Friday, I'm hoping we can finish up so i can get back into my work with enthusiasm again by the weekend..

I had so much to say but it was all so negative and i didn't want to depress you all when reading it, somehow it all manages to sort itself out and calm down doesn't it...

Here's to hopefully no more weeks like the last few......

Anyway the good part of my week so far has been my horses.. This week Kevin's away on the start of his 3 week holiday so we got Phil to take the lessons, hes been brilliant and managed to pull out of the bag one of the best lessons Ive ever had.. talk about sore legs today !

Anyway i hope you like the pictures, I'm riding Jack again (who i am loving to bits) we did the lesson without stirrups and i learnt to rise and trot and canter without them, it was really good..

Although I'm paying for it at the moment and taking plenty of hot baths.......hehe

Will be back to normal now and come to see you guys every day..xxx

Lifes symphony

We enjoyed a chill out night last night, Me and my fella cooked together and just enjoyed the evening, it was well needed after this week! I cant believe i actually did it! usually id get halfway through the week and decide i need a night in, but I'm glad i did..I felt better as the week went on, yes we were tired but what a fun week that was...

Its done wonders for how i feel inside and i now realise that things i let upset me, aren't really as important as i made them in my head... I cant change myself or who i am and shouldn't have to...

Today the house has woke up buzzing, Ryan has gone with his dad to collect his new guitar (secondhand i should add but its new to him) hes been saving up all his paper round money and has been practising hard on one that doesnt work (it screams!) he loves making music, as his parents we'll encourage this all the way, musics played a huge part in my life and i don't start the day without it, so here's to many new tunes being played in our house !

Ive got one more day with my fella as Monday hes now off for the week, so i want my pole up today! need another tin of paint and will see how much i can do here to make it look nice..

I'm going to go to salsa to meet up with my friends some evenings so its going to be a busy one my end too!

I sat there this morning outside as usual with my cuppa trying to wake up peacefully and couldn't believe what i saw ~ 21 little finches all piled round the bird table together !!

The floor was moving ! I do enjoy doing my garden (yes im sad) and my neighbour who sells plants just came round today and told me that i can have every plant he has left , theres loads of them, he sells them through spring and summer up until he goes away on his boat, so tomorrows already taken up with Joanne buzzing round like a mad woman with her trowel... lol how on earth am i going to fit all this lot in this week...

I wont have time to be bored hopefully....

Have a great day everyone ~ enjoy that sunshine...

Paris in Spring

We just got back last night from Paris... wow it really was a great trip...

The roads still scare the hell out of me but my fella did me proud and managed to avoid a high speed crash on the way home, they drive so fast there and i honestly dont know how he avoided it....

We had to stay a little longer than expected, so i had time to really look well, i brought back some stunning things for spring which will put some new life and colour into my shop.. I really do love this time of year..theres lots of yellows, pinks, purples, intigos, coming with naturals and white still going strong ... for those of you that love easy wear lose fitting clothes this is going to be a great season, its lose and carefree with floaty, long, free flowing tops and so much colour, for an evening look its feminine, lose drapes, with beautiful neck detailing... low cut cleavages are OUT instead are cuts that show very little but tease very much, its the time we get to dress as women and captivate imaginations without having to feel uncomfortable.... tight jeans are featured heavily but lightweight cotton ones in the most vibrant shades, so team these with long free flowing tops and a good belt....... for any of you women that have hang ups about hips and bellies.. fear not these styles are every girls dream ..lol

This year its clothes that are gorgeous to wear totally comfortable and scream feminine and fun at you, high cut necks with beads pendants and grecian stones..... for anoyone that doesnt do colourful, naturals white and silver grey are the ones for you to go for... easy to wear long, lose tops that feel as good as they look...

We had a brilliant time together and even managed some romantic nights out, i was wined and dined and loved every moment of it...roll on my next trip.... ive got a feeling ill be going back very soon as im not expecting this lot to last long... its totally beautiful........

I have a busy one today, its riding this morning at 10.30 at my usual school, but today i am taking stelli with me, shes a born rider and used to have her own school so is thankfully coming with me to both places now , she helps me and gives me hints and tips..lol

I had to giggle wednesday i slotted in a lesson at the new stable just before leaving for Paris ! i wont do that again in a hurry...... it was a lesson with no stirups ! my god didnt my bum and legs ache, to go from that to sitting in the car for 9 hours....OMG Ive had more exercise this week that ever... today i havent got a clue what im doing thankfully, sometimes its better not to know..I love spontanious every time.......lol

Anyway what i didnt know was stelli videoed my lesson with no stirups (she was certain i would fall off the horse) and decided that it had to be captured on camera ! I didnt fall thankfully so am proving them wrong.. everyones waiting for it i know, so ill make sure i keep my confidence up and concentrate on staying on that saddle....lol

I am loading the videos up into my blog shortly as stelli is going to tape the class weekly now and im gonna give everyone a giggle by posting them week by week...

Anyway after riding im off to a party this afternoon but back tonight for a well earnt night in, with all the kids.... Im grabbing a couple of videos, far too much popcorn and enjoying a night with my family.........

Guardians

Lol........I got roped into going to see a medium last night with my friend, i didn't know much about it until i got there only that i had to be at her house at 6.30.

We walked into this room and one lady who was standing at the door asked me not to speak or disclose anything, that they would tell me..lol they?

And indeed there were two of them, one who claims she mediates between the spiritual world and one lady who draws pictures of our guides........... i thought Halloween had been and gone..lol

So sceptically i sat there listening to what she told my friend... although i must admit she got her spot on.......

Then it came to me...lol

She started walking backwards and forwards madly (at this point i did giggle) and said i was taking one step forward and one backwards, and that had to change, i didn't say a word just sat there, and off she went into what shocked the life out of me...

She said i had a spirit who walks with me who still holds great love for me, he is male 5'9 tall dark hair and is skinny, he stands there with his right hand in his pocket... bit spooky now, as shes describing my friend to a Tee who i lost.......

Next came.......... he died from cancer, the cancer was spreading everywhere, but he was holding his head ....with his shoulders slumped forward as he was in pain......

And he has a message for you.............

At this point i didn't know what to believe, and was pretty uncomfortable, there was non of this generalising stuff ,that they put the feela's out to people and wait for our responses, i didnt say one word... she just sat there talking about my spirit....

Then came all the stuff apparently he wanted me to know and change about my life (this bits good)

She went on to describe me as the maypole, my family and people around me would come in take a chunk , all day long constantly gossiping about me, constantly taking their pecks together keeping me down in spirit.......(that parts right)

she told me to start telling them NO and tell them what they are doing and how it makes me feel, i have to start putting myself first sometimes..

That i keep searching and searching for something that i don't know what it is.... apparently they do...........lol

My life shouldn't be all up and down from now on and i should have confidence within myself as i can do this, and that now is the time to start again and dont let people mess me about anymore... (im quoting this from my letter she gave me so its a little weird, especially at this time in the morning) ..lol

There are people in my life i don't need to have around me (haven't we all) and my spirit said its time to do that gardening and weed out the ones that i dont need anymore..... (ill get my gloves on then) hehe

and a few more things i cant put into this blog as they were pretty personal and regardless if they are true, come true or not, im not totally nuts here, and am not telling you lot about that part.. but it was very graphic......lol

But she went on for over an hour, one by one without me saying a word, with another lady writing everything down for me to read later....... so it was quite an eventful night........

Her closing speech was that my spirits always been there and is trying to push me upwards and forwards now.... lol

But it had the strangest ending........

Her friend who was drawing away madly up a corner then gave me a drawing of the guy she claims is my guardian.. and F*** me that part shocked the shit out of me it was a guy dressed in west ham colours and looked just like my friend, he even had a wonky nose..........

At this point.........it was time for my sharp exit.......so i went home .............

Just in time for a vodka...................lol