Bright

Im feeling so much better this morning, my hands are warm, i actually feel like my energy's coming back! There's gotta be something in these raw vegetable drinks..Im drinking so much water at the moment and really starting to feel benefits i haven't felt before, I never did drink water, just bloody tea.Even that's changed now I do still drink some but its green tea with honey now, it costs me at least a tenner a week now in honey, even the kids are pinching the stuff...
Im growing so much stuff to eat here, its all still tiny but its coming on well, looking out there this morning i cannot help but smile, im really feeling glad to be alive today.
My fella has been totally brilliant with me, i made the mistake last night of staying up later than anyone here as i was talking to my mum online, i went through to get more water and must have shut the fridge hard as the next thing i knew was steve flying down the stairs looking totally panicked.. he said he heard a thump and thought id hit the deck again..... God if i make that sort of noise when i go down i must have been in trouble..lol
he has now from yesterday gone back to work to try and put back some kind of normality in our life.. he has been making me litres of lemon water to drink in the mornings before he goes to work bless, its like the roles reversed....... He came home last night and took me to wroxham for some chips! The drs are saying to put salt on my food at the moment and up my intake so i enjoyed eating them beside the river.. it was such a beautiful night..
Im aiming NOT to hit the deck anymore and am doing what i should have done 'a long time ago'.. it took something like last week to knock some sense into my head!
looking after that 'Ferrari'(lol..) and giving it the right fuel for a change... vitamins and iron that it doesn't seem to be able make by itself from my food... my coeliac stops me getting any nutrients from food but i can get them from fluids, so its vegetable smoothies and strange drinks in between meals.... Leading up to these attacks i was sick every day for over a month and they couldnt find out why, so that leading up with mums shocking news did tip everyone over the edge.. My heart is not damaged thankfully the hospital results are back in for that so its a big relief, its blood pressure that stopped it not a broken heart.....
Today my daughter has promised to help me with the cleaning (yet to believe it though) as i havent tackled this place in 10 days so im hoping to get 'some' done today and make some bread this afternoon.. im turning quite strange, like hugh from river cottage im wanting to make everything from scratch now and loving the results of growing my own and a simpler lifestyle... Id bloody love to be his next door neighbour... Now thats one place i would move to tomorrow....
Right time to crack on in 1st gear of course.. im not aiming for 5th just yet, just taking this at a slow pace now and seeing what the day unfolds......Id love to go to salsa tonight.. perhaps ill go and watch just to say hi to everyone...

Calmness

I managed to get through ok til my fella got home last night.. Im gaining confidence now.. Its 3 clear days this morning so im really pleased..
My fella has gone to work, Ryan has gone to college, lauren is at jades and callum and Brandon are going with david at 1.. so its a stay calm day and don't overdue it Jo... Its so beautiful out there so this afternoon im gonna aim for the garden and enjoy some sunshine..
Ive got packing to do this morning which if im honest is worrying me, im not allowed to drive until the monitor is on me and theres no way i can make the post office.. so im going to take one of the boys in the shed to watch me pack and ask david to drop it off for me. The girls at the post office know whats happened so will help if they can bless...
Ive had a cheese roll, porriage, glass of beetroot juice, a vegetable smoothie and 4 pints of lemoned water which is a bloody weird breakfast but i do feel like ive got a little bit more blood in me today, my veins arent up so much on my arms either!
its just that weird constant yawning every time i get up and cold dead arms that reminds me ive got no energy to spare yet..
I want to do this today so im not scared of being left alone here..

Scared

The last week has certainly brought shocks.. None of them very nice but that's life's way of smacking you across the head and letting you know nothing is ever certain..
lem went down diving with his diving buddy for lobsters, after my mum had told him not to go, and sadly now looks like he met his end to the sea.. They don't think he resurfaced, he went down along with this other chap, the boat carried on following the buoy as they usually do thinking Lem was attached to find it had been severed.. the tide was taking the boat away from where he was of course and they didn't know.
This morning at 1am 5 days after going missing his diving buoy, air jacket and anchor came to surface along with empty air tanks but still no signs of any bodies.. Its a small comfort to my mum to think that he died quickly by drowning, rather than imagining him treading water miles out to sea for days on end until he no longer had any fight left.. I really feel for her out there and hope my big sister can help her get through such a difficult time in her life.I wish i was there with her..
We may not ever know what happened to him on that dive, but inside i think that a strong current either wedged them somewhere under water so he couldn't get out, he wouldn't have ditched his chest gear otherwise especially not his life jacket un-inflated..It makes sense that he was stuck and when left with no air just went for it and ditched everything for a last minute attempt in getting up to the surface..
My mum told me when she went to live there that if she lived another 6 years with Lem out in Tobago she would die happy, they were married for 12 but shes heartbroken as they had only just got themselves sorted out with building their house and getting the boat up and operational.. she expected that she would die first because of her age.. fate has a cruel way sometimes. Lem was only 39 years old.....
Things from my end havent helped mum much either. A couple of months ago i had a day where i kept experiencing chest pain, everyone said i was overdoing it so told me to slow down,I did in some ways, but this house doesn't allow it for long, things have to carry on and bills have to be paid. I didn't get any more after that day so presumed i was just tired or coming down for something, I was worrying about my gran-parents who were then moving into sheltered housing and upset with some things that had happened.
I have always had low blood pressure so does my mum, so just put it down to that..

last Wednesday after talking to mum on the phone about lems dissapearance i experienced what i can only explain as severe burning, tight pain in my chest, i couldn't breath and had this horrible sick feeling of a burning doom rising from my chest up my neck, I was so sweaty and ill i honestly thought i was on my way out, i cannot remember anymore after that, I woke up being held by my neighbour David with him stroking my face and telling me to breath, surrounded by ambulance men it wasnt really clear what had happened to me.. Id apparently stopped breathing for more than 2 Min's.. Sometimes its worse for those who witness, I was lucky David was there, my fella was at work. david had come to collect me for work, i was supposed to be working at his sisters house that morning! Hes always so calm which was bloody good luck he was at the door when i went down and saw me hit the deck..
I was taken into A&E under blue light which to be honest i don't remember much about, all i can remember was a feeling of feeling so horribly sick. I only had that one attack that day so after 24 hours they allowed me home saying they thought it was Addison's decease.. they took bloods to test for it and said they would consult my Dr as soon as the results were back and that i could go home if i took things easy for a few days..
They didn't think it was my heart then.. but weren't sure what happened as sometimes these things happen with no reason or cure and just sort themselves out...
Within 6 hours of being home the same thing happened again, this time with my fella totally panicking as he thought i was dead in his arms..I had no heartbeat again and no breathing for about 2 Min's...... poor bugger was scared shirtless, hes never been good if i get ill as he will usually ignore me and hope it goes away quickly, but he said he had never been so scared in his life, it really shook him up having to deal with it..
I went back under blue light but within an hour of being in there i had another seizure, my fella had gone to get me some water as i hadn't been given a drink in hospital the day before.. I was so thirsty but they kept saying perhaps later, when he did get them to agree to let me drink, he came back to find me having another seizure.. it really wasn't good.
I have never been that scared in my life.. I wasn't scared of dying, the feeling and pain you get is indescribable, you feel like its the end theres nothing you can do about it, I was just scared of dying alone..
I called and called for help, holding my chest on that bed, 3 or 4 nurses looked at me but NO ONE came.. i cannot remember anymore than
They didn't help, i sat there sobbing pleading for help. One dr looked me right in the eye to then turn his back on me and sit at his work station ignoring what he had seen.... when im feeling better im purposely going up A&E to smack him one.
My fella apparently walked in as it was all happening so could see exactly that no one was there from across the ward.. The nurses only came over when he screamed at her to 'fucking do something' by that time i was fitting on the floor as id fell off the hospital bed.
I can appreciate they get drunks, drug addicts and all sorts of not nice people in there for treatment, but the way i was treated was appalling..It was one fuck up after another for 4 days solid..
I was transferred onto the heart ward for 24 hour monitoring only to find that out of the two monitors they had one was broken, the nurse said she would sort it out in the morning and that i should try and get some sleep.. my fella hit the roof and lodged a complaint saying he was taking me home if they werent capable of looking after me properly. One lady with a clipboard came down from my previous ward panicking saying how sorry she was that this had happened to me again (2nd time in 24 hours) and assured him i would be put straight on the monitor within 5 mins... it was a joke..
I don't complain, i never have done, I will walk away when needed to not cause trouble and try and sort it myself, but when its your life on the line its not funny.. I was so glad he was there to stick up for me..
I did get a monitor after about 4 hours, they just kept unplugging me every 2 hours so they could use the machine to take the rest of wards blood pressures.. and this was a heart ward!
I had 4 more seizures on friday, 2 more Saturday morning while i was unplugged and they were borrowing the machine..
I just wanted to go home......I didnt feel safe in there..
The trouble is there were 7 levels of management up there with no communication at all between each level, my notes were lost, left on a wrong ward and i wasnt given any water, the first thing that comes up with dangeriously low blood pressure is dyhydration.. its happened to me and is happening to other people too! The lady next to my bed was holding my hand along with a cleaner on my last seizure as my nurse was on her T break and the one who was covering was with another patient! that one nurse does the job on her own now that 4 nurses were filling last year.. It says it all really.......
The heart specialist was there at one milder seizure and said my blood pressure was dropping so low it was causing the heart to spasm, seize and stop which was then shutting down my brain as it was being starved of oxygen.. so at least i know what im dealing with here and will try and help myself as best i can.. its not very nice though having to sit there experiencing that pain with the dr chatting away to his understudies watching.. not one of my best armchair moments thats for sure.
I need to get through until the 28th April, so the machine i need is available for me, to tape my heart and record whats happening... The monitors at the hospital dont record, so unless the drs there watching it happen it doesnt help them enough..
I know whats happening as i can feel it, so ive turned to the Internet to help myself..
The internet holds so much valuable information that can really help you feel better...
My dr came to see me this afternoon and says whatever im doing seems to be helping, I havent had a seizure now since Sunday morning so its a really positive move for me .. I'm trying to do a little, then sit down, til i feel well enough to do a little bit more, its slow but its working.. it is my balance and the only way i can seem to hold these off. Unfortunately work doesnt stop for illness, I still had orders to pack as well as a family to look after here.. I came out of hospital to have to pack a weeks orders, if it wasnt the truth it would actually be funny...........
I honestly wondered if stopping smoking wass what had kicked this off.. my Dr said smoking raises blood pressure, which for most people isn't good news, but when you have really low blood pressure it can help and possibly raised mine enough to take me out of the danger bracket..Then again this could have all been brought on by stress, I honestly dont know....
The ironic part is i dont want to smoke, i saw people in hospital who did and who now couldnt breath.......like fay..
Ive had 3 days of drinking neat beetroot juice, raw vegetable smoothies, and drinking 6 litres of fresh lemon water, between meals per day.. and do feel better than i did when i came out of that place... Although I'm still nowhere near where i need to be yet....Id rather be here on my own than that place full of filth and understaffed wards..Im sure you would get sicker just by being there..
Tonight is the first time Ive been left here without my fella so I'm a little apprehensive.. I decided id write in here so i don't carry the worry as the boys are already arguing with each other and stressing me out so i thought this may help me ignore them, it used to help me offload many of my feelings before so hopefully tonight it will grant me the same thing and let tonight go by without ending up back in that place..
Steve has to work, hes had a week off already and missed so many important meetings.. life cannot stop because of this, the kids need feeding and life has to carry on..
I do have Ryan upstairs to help if i call, so i am gonna try and stay calm in myself so i can let him get some kind of normality back.. This place falls to bits when im not here, there's washing all down the stairs and the place looks like a bombs hit it...
The kids Mum here needs to get herself sorted out as quick as possible, the kids have no clean clothes left mum!, theres no help as usual from anyone as there isnt anyone to help..but the other side of Jo's too fucking tired to do whats needed ...its time they all started pulling some weight here..my fella is right on that account..
My mum is flying home with Julie on my birthday in may so im trying to get myself better with some kind of a diet change to hopefully get myself well for then.. if i try and take better care of myself for a change i may be able to do this..

Physical Attraction

Its been a really good week. We have started swimming every other night. I'm being encouraged by my eldest lad, to do his ab workouts and i have to admit. I'm really enjoying myself.

Everyone gets to the new year and wants to change things, I'm no different there, no resolutions i wont keep just a positive attitude towards myself more and want to feel good.

Sunday I'm stopping smoking! I know this isn't going to be easy, I'm smoked since i was 15 but its a year on the 1st of Feb that my fella quit and as hes a year older than me Ive decided to follow suit. We went through the I hate everyone around me stages.. indeed he was leaving me at least 4 times a week, but hes through that now and encouraging me all the way.. My kids are the same.. I don't want them to smoke, but i did as both my parents did, so this is one family trait I'm cutting off.. If they smoke then its not because their mum and dad does.

I'm already putting into place things to do when i get 'het up', that's probably an understatement as I'm such a grumpy mare when Ive run out of ciggies..lol

Ive joined a health club.. am starting to feel confident enough to walk out of those changing rooms on my own in a bikini now (without vodka i should add) and am now up to 60 lengths of the pool. to then nearly fall asleep in the steam room as I'm knackered.

The men make me giggle as if they see a woman on her own they do kind of indiscreetly follow you in whatever room you are using. last week was the most embarrassing as i had literally nearly drifted off to sleep in the steam room to then be woken up by 4 guys all sitting opposite me gawping... cringe.. they could have been gentlemen and gone round the other side the room was empty but no.. no such luck..

I keep telling my fella I'm gonna buy an all in one swimsuit.. but he hates them and keeps telling me not to worry about other people.. he also threatened not to come swimming with me anyone if i do.. his highlight of the week is apparently seeing me in a bikini.. bless... that's love for you..

Hes caught in a dilemma at the moment as what age is it you look at yourself and think I'm happy as i am? hes gained some weight since hes stopped smoking, but is finding it really hard to get the motivation to exercise as he has a frozen shoulder. I know how painful its been for him as god knows how many nights sleep hes lost through this, but i keep telling him that it doesn't matter what shape he is. Ive been with him 17 years and actually am liking the little bit of extra, as i call it, on him..lol He loves good food and loves his red wine so as long as hes happy, i am too... I'm not exercising for anyone else, I'm doing it because i do want to stop smoking so am gonna do stuff i cant smoke when i do it.. horse riding , swimming, yoga... neither place will allow me to have a fag hanging out of my mouth but will get me equally out of breath as a packet of 20 does..........hehe

Start of the week

My god January is flying by..

This week hasn't been the most amusing. I ended up last Monday being sent to the wrong funeral parlour! My poor uncle was in a state so must have in his grief gave me the wrong place.

The kids and my fella all came with me to arrive at a total strangers farewell service.. What the hell can you say to that situation..

When he came up he gave me the time and place which i wrote straight down on my calender, id arranged for the flowers to go to the undertakers but never managed to go see her off and pay my last respects.... how respectful is that to go to the wrong funeral...... it could only happen to me that's for sure.

If it didn't upset me so much it would have been amusing.. it probably was to all that heard afterwards..lol

I got home in a bit of a state as i couldn't make the other parlour in time so then gave myself a migraine worrying about it, that then turned into a face ache that lasted 6 days and nights.. oh what a week its been.

The dentist thinks being run down and tired as she called it was to blame as abscesses came up on my jaw and face, Ive had teeth trouble in the past, but never as bad as these buggers have felt. A week on scrambled eggs and soup, munching down painkillers and anti biotics trying to get through and not pull my hair out.

I am missing salsa so much. Its been nearly a year since we last went. My fella worked away for 6 months last year on a roofing and cladding job and ended up hurting his shoulder, xrays have now confirmed he has what is known as a frozen shoulder so everyday we are going swimming trying to get it to thaw.. Without the use of it he can't do salsa... so hopefully if we keep doing what we are it will heal and we can get back to dancing with our salsa friends again. he keeps telling me to go alone, but i want to dance with him, not other guys. So ill wait and hope this sorts itself out sooner rather than later.

This week its head down and back into work mode. Ive been going at it really hard for the last year working solidly on the stuff that makes them work, and indeed its going well, but i know theres more i can do so am on a mission to put my heart and soul into my business.. We haven't much of a social life at the moment so i don't mind.

My fellas doing really well, he wont do any more roofing work as it was only supposed to be 6 weeks worth. But his website building and SEO side has taken off big time, so its now going to be all that he does which means i get him at home too.. 6 months without him tells me no matter how much a pain he is, i don't like it when hes not here.. According to him i have no one to moan at so get bored..lol

Tonight I'm horse riding with my friend Mandy down the stables. Out of everything that's changed in my life that has remained constant.. Every Monday I'm feeling the wind through my hair and doing something i love very much. Mondays now are my favourite day of the week..

Welcome 2011

After a much needed break I find myself here for another year, fresh hope and starting a new year.. Lets hope 2o11 brings some good stuff.

I lost a very dear friend on Christmas day, so that hit home pretty hard, so Christmas here has been a bit of a blur non entity, I felt sorry for my kids bless they had such a miserable time.

I'm looking forward to kicking up my riding and restarting salsa, its been 6 months with no dancing thanks to my fella taking a job which took him away from home for months on end.. To top that were still waiting to be paid for it! Christmas came early for this guy..

Ive really missed my salsa and hope the new year brings some sunshine now..

It was a year of operations, illnesses, work work work while juggling a house full of teenage hormones triplets who don't like each other very much and the hope that they would for once clean their bedrooms... Welcome back to life in the madhouse!

Its been too long since Ive been the brown eyed girl.. I feel more like the black eyed one looking at the bags under them this week...

I'm hoping i can change that now and enjoy a new year..

Ive missed my friends........

Happy Birthday Noel

Happy Birthday Noel..

We are still recovering from Saturday!

Have a great day..

xxx

Happy Birthday Steve!

Happy Birthday Steve!

I know you can't be with us mad lot today, but we will be thinking of you..

Dont get too sunburnt up on them roofs and try and enjoy the peace and quiet (at you dont get any here do you!)... lol

The weekend will soon be here and then we can celebrate..

No doubt you'll be hitting those pubs tonight with Liam so enjoy.....

This is your year now.. so lets see how much fun we can make it!

xxxxxxxxxxx

Sunshine Feeling

Its been a really good day today. Ive managed to get everything done I needed to do and the suns shining beautifully.. what more could i wish for.

Last night I went riding with my friend Mandy. Its becoming my favourite time of every week now, I'm still totally crap at it, but enjoying the giggles thoroughly.

Phil our instructor has one hell of a sense of humour so gives me tiny horses to ride in a class full of huge ones so its a bit like noddy in with giants, (imagine me trying to sit on a milkshake maker as that's pretty accurate). My arse never stops being sore and I'm constantly making little winging noises when i sit down..lol

We've been doing a lot of work behind the scenes in my website which has been pretty testing as we added a brand new database so I'm trying to learn on my feet here and take over where my fella left off. He decided to go back to sheeting and cladding and started a new job just over a month ago, so is working away from home. Hes loving the work and getting strong again after stopping smoking for good. I'm loving the healthy sun tanned face and arms.. the rest of him is Lilly white, but at least i can see him in the dark :)

This week Ive given myself several goals to get done, including get my fella into a fancy dress costume when he gets back! we've been invited to our friends fancy dress party on Saturday but already he keeps telling me he doesn't want to dress up! its a different story when guys want us to isn't it ......lol

Anyway Ive had some time out got over several hurdles and find myself richer inside for the journey, I hope I'm more patient, grateful Ive got some good people around me and happy to wake up feeling so alive again.

Its so good to be back online and reading up on what everyone's doing, i never realised how important the blogging community is to my day... its been the rainbow through those rainy days...

Grow your own in a thunderstorm

Today has been totally inspiring. Ive potted that many pepper , tomato, courgettes and herb plants outside you can hardly see the floor. I'm totally drenched as yes i got caught in the thunderstorm but hey who cares, its been a brilliant day!

Things have completely changed in my house. There's a balance to everyday life i hadn't felt in a while, the kids are happy, my fellas happy and yes.. even I can say I'm happy.. whats going on!

My fella recovered from his operation very quickly. Its given him a new lease of life and brought a sparkle back to his eyes, hes working away from home at the moment but I'm quite enjoying the challenge of getting everything done everyday, I'm finding myself singing away as the day goes on more and more now.. and standing by my new rule of getting out of the house for some me time everyday..

My dads funeral wasn't a pleasant experience but it also did me good.. We all build up situations in our minds eye of how people see and value us, but no matter what i thought reality smacked me straight in the head when we weren't even acknowledged at his funeral, people move on we all have to accept that, i have... I understand the saying better now about cruel and kind coming together, it did that day and hurt hard but looking back its also allowed me to move on and not look backwards anymore..yesterday was just that its what I'm planning to do with tomorrow I'm concentrating on now... im planning a sky dive but havent told my fella yet so 'ssssssshhhh' please... hes been telling me all week im begining to be my mad self again so ill wait til i spring that one on him...

The weathers been that glorious Ive spent most of my time either out, doing stuff with the kids, gardening and of course riding, its been the best month Ive had in a long while. Sometimes you just need some time out....

My sense of humour seems to be coming back with a vengeance.. (at everyone else's expense of course) I'm eating healthily and trying to get myself back into shape so i can get some photos done, there was a time there where peering into the fridge late at night was becoming a habit so Ive hid all the chocolate and have just got through my first week with no sugar!... to me its as good as smoking in my garden but just as bad for me, so ive decided id take on the bad boys one at a time and see what i can reduce them too..

I do love the thought of giving those bad boys a run for their money...

Greyson Chance Singing Paparazzi

RIP Dad..

March has come and gone and been another tough month, we are still awaiting my fellas operation which is going to happen on the 18th so its not long to go. Things have been pretty much the same here, rollercoater days and sleepless nights thrown in for good measure. One minute hes leaving the next hes not, im not sure anymore if im coming, going or just been......

Today i had some devasting news, my fella came home from his sisters with a newspaper and told me that i had better sit down and read it, we dont buy newspapers but his sister realised what had happened and kept it for me.. Tonight im really thankful that someone considered enough about others to do that..
It was news of my dad, he died last week .......

To say im devasted is an understatement........ and trying to understand why i had to read it by tabloid, hes my dad for christ sake, why did noone tell me? everyone thought someone else had done it, so they simply left it to whoever, whoever turned out to be the eastern evening news.. which tonight has made the pain even more painful...

Preparing for Spring

Its been one of the hardest months ive ever experienced, that's why i couldn't write in here, nothing nice would have come out of my head, there literally wasn't anything in there!

Ive knuckled down accepted the fact its just one of those times of my life that im feeling pretty frustrated so just got on with work.. boring as it may sound, its what i needed to do.

My fellas feeling in pretty bad shape, hes gained a lot of weight since we stopped dancing and has like me put everything on hold. We have been waiting for his operation to come through which did, but when down in theatre they decided its much more complicated than they first thought so they have sent him home to await a bigger op hopefully by the end of this month... I do really feel for him at the moment, hes also not the easiest person to live with either as he stopped smoking also last month so tends to pick holes in just about everything i say or do........oops lol

I keep telling myself its just a phase and i know id be much worse, but im having to bite my tongue quite a bit so i don't bite back ! im the most placid person walking planet earth most of the time, but if i do i lose it (which thankfully i don't ) i will make sure they get the point.. instead im muttering away under my breath, and keeping as far away as i can, that way no one hears me talking to myself either (I have noticed im starting to answer myself though, which is rather worrying)...hehe

The good news my fellas health problem can be cured and sorted out, so once his bigger operation is done, he can get back to feeling good again and start dancing and getting out, so hopefully we can get back to having some kind of life soon..

Whats been happening in between work? are you ready for this? nothing...........................

I haven't (apart from riding) been out of the house at all since xmas, i desperately miss my friends and social life, as i find myself daily repeating the same old jobs here, for the kids to then come home and wreck within the hour, i give up trying to house train them and just kid myself its my job, although my eldest has been really good, hes growing up lovely and turning into someone i like spending time with.. the 'whatever' stage is slowly going, the sense of humour is growing by the day and somehow hes managing to keep up with his diploma and schooling even though he only had 1/3rd of lessons that the other students have, so good for him...

Watching whats happened to my fella, has put me off from stopping smoking, ive cut down drastically which im pleased about, but i really don't want to turn into a grump like he has been either, so im still smoking but only when i need one, and just ignoring his comments through the glass door when i do, as yes Steve i CAN lip read!.. :)

He says its the hardest thing hes ever done and i can see it really is, so its a credit to him thats hes done it, but now hes done this hes decided he can do anything! so is weeding the garden of life ready for spring.......what he means is, anything hes not happy with in his life at the moment hes getting rid of ! I nearly got thrown out with last weeks weeds, but he decided i wasnt so bad afterall and changed his mind.....lol

Im used to a guy that is as kind and as chilled as they come, so its been rather eye opening, seeing the worm thats turned !! I do agree in some areas of this though, its positive that hes changing what he doesnt like, its just all happened overnight with this personality change that came with the not smoking anymore.. he smells nicer im sure, but im not getting in close to find out, im staying behind the line here and minding my own business..hehe

For the first 2 weeks i got shut the F*** up every time i said anything... and then 'Go to bed then if you dont like it' for the next 2, so its been a bit of a roller coaster on my sense of humour track..

This week things seem much better, hes been working from home and seems more like the guy i know again, Ive had cuddles when i didn't expect, quite a few nice things said, and not one 'shut the f*** up yet', so I'm on a roll !.................yipeeeeeeeeeeee

Riding has been my sanity, since Jacks throwing me up against a wall episode, i didn't quit, instead ive been trying week by week to rebuild some confidence, it seems to be working as im enjoying the riding more than ever and looking forward all week to getting there. Sometimes going back to basics brings you forwards in ways, that's kind of how i feel at the moment with life in general, i have to go backwards to be able to move forwards now..

The positive side is ive done no end of work, which is really good, weve built a directory which im now working on populating and am trying new ideas out. Because im stuck indoors my head seems to be screaming to be creative, to keep myself smiling.

Im often working away here, not realising im still working, which has got to be good for the business, I haven't spent this amount of time so focused in years, so although its not been the best month for the soul and feeling happy, it is helping in ways the business should hopefully see the benefits of later...

Im just sitting here waiting for spring to come. So i can spring back to life like the tulips and spring blooms do.. at the moment im buried in muck and feeling pretty hemmed in..

Ive been keeping up with every ones blogs which have been my morning ritual with my cuppa and reading all your exciting stuff that's been happening... thank you for the morning smiles guys.. Im going to invest in one of Roses books soon and hopefully start reading again..

Im also taking the plunge next week and getting Dayle over to dye my hair, ive thought for weeks about changing the hair colour, so next week im going to do it..

I already know the answer now to, 'do blondes have more fun?' (the answer for Feb is a definite NO) so I'm gonna try March in a different shade ....and join the darker side of life

I need to.. if i carry on like this by May ill probably have no Bloody hair left anyway, so what the hell..lol

I may as well give it a go while ive still got some....

Right time for a ciggy...............................hope hes not looking ! lol

Back from Hibernation

After taking some time out, i feel much better in myself.. Quite a bit has happened which i will fill you all in about as i go day to day now.. sorry i wasn't in if you knocked guys..

Where do i start? Christmas was fine, it was quiet and peaceful (ish) my fella and me laid low and enjoyed some time with the kids. I bought one of those Wii games which has managed to keep them entertained,with a fit plus board for me and Steve to get some exercise with.. still the kids manage to beat me with it though, i didn't think i was that un-fit..

The new year has brought so much work, we don't have to do it no, but i want this year to be different and need to get down and dirty to get it, so many nights when we would of been out salsa'ing we've both been working away, hes worse than me and has thrown himself into it, although its not easy at times, i know why hes doing it so try to make the best of everyday and anytime we get together.

Riding has been a blast, I'm still managing to go every week as even when my fellas working, my eldest sits for the rest so that parts good, Phil has taken over our classes and managed to make every week exciting for us all, 3 weeks ago i had my first fall.. and boy it was a cracker, he was giving me the smaller horses to ride as he said my size allowed me to ride both, but as you lot all know me i didn't feel safe on the smaller ones and felt too close to the floor so i asked him for Jack back for a night.. The dreaded black horse who's always in a bad mood..lol

Trouble is i love the horse and rode him alot last year.. well to cut a long story short he was beautifully behaved for me all night cantering round and everything, until the last part of the lesson where he cantered down the straight bucking all the way down :( i managed to stay on for most of it, but he threw me up against the bottom wall .. i did get back on him as i know if i didn't it would cause problems, but he started again, so i changed horses for the rest of class, what i didn't realise is id caught my sciatic nerve and couldn't stand up when it was time to get off.. so i spent a week hobbling around with my fella taking the mickey.. talk about black and blue! it comes with the territory so something i have to get used to.

Ive been back since and loved it just as much as Ive always done, Jack has managed to scare me though which is something i need to work on..

Our salsa has suffered badly as my fella also needs an operation, he was struggling towards the end of last year but thankfully is booked in for Feb/March, once hes had his operation i know hell be back and firing on all cylinders, i really miss my friends there and salsa..

Having said that tonight is the salsa party at the Staithe.. Ive been sulking most of the week as i thought my fella had to work all weekend. His partner is away on holiday so my fella has to send off the data every night for him, i was so pleased when he said he didn't have to work this weekend, it means we can go to the party and hopefully once Mark is back restart salsa again..

Its been a bit like hibernation here, January hasn't been much fun, but in my fellas words, its cold anyway so e may as well work now and take some time off in summer...lol that's his way of getting me to think positive.. which strangely works most times.

I am really looking forward to spring now though.. so who ordered more white stuff this morning?

There are lots i want to do this year, I'm learning day to day what i need to do to get there and putting just enough in to keep myself sanish...

The kids are getting older now, everything slotting into place with them and thankfully calmed down, so perhaps this year my blog will have some of those good things in it..

We will see......

Dance Cuban Christmas Party 2010

Do you think im putting on weight? my fellas face says i am, either that or i sat on something i shouldnt have.......
Its snowing heavy all the roads are slippery as hell and what were a mad bunch of salsa addicts all doing?
1. Tucked up in the warm with hot chocolate?
2.Watching the snow from the windows making lots of ahh sounds in the comfort of their warm homes!
3. Wrapping gift to put under the tree?
DONT BE DAFT.....
We were at the Dance Cuban
Christmas party of course!! hehe
Sharon stole the show with her beautiful dress and was looking totally gorgeous, you should have seen the place when she did her belly dancing..omg was that something else

It was a brilliant night!
Everyone was in such good spirits, especially Richard who seemed to have had plenty of spirit inside him already and was cracking everyone up with his speach...
We had some of the best dancers there from around the country.

We started the night with a lovely sit down meal which i must say was brilliant, the service was so fast and the food was lovely, it was my first gluten free xmas dinner out so one ill remember..

Richard came down from London especially to be part of it and started the party off in style by warming everyone up! All the best dabcers were there Jackie, Nad, Richard, Jose not to mention Sexy Sasha! I have to call him that as all the girls do... and boy cant you see why....... (white shirt ladies...)
All the guests were up and shimmeeing away filling both dance floors..

The music was brilliant as soon as timba came on my fella was up, its fast and addictive and never fails to have everyone up on their feet.

Everyone in the Staithe last night will agree it was another of those never forget party nights, Richard you always know how to throw the best of them..
I'm still slightly hung over so am taking the day slower than usual, i also have the triplets off from school due to the snow to help today, so i can tell them all about it and stick on some music while i work..

Our good friends brought us back some rather special chocolate from Amsterdam from their trip, that i must keep away from the children so tonight I'm going to eat that and make a total hash of the gift wrapping..

But as you can see from my half of the pictures it was worth braving the snow to get to this party..
I'm sure Angela's photos will all say the same thing...

Thanks guys for a hell of a brilliant night, and book us in for next years!
The place was packed so everyone knew how good last years was and this years wasn't any different

My fellas got to have an operation in the new year and as soon as that's done , salsa will become a big part in our lives again.
We've met some wonderful people who we now are lucky to call our friends and are part of something very special..

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
See you all New Years Eve to do it all again..................

The X Factor 2009 - Joe McElderry: Sorry Seems To Be - Live Show 8 (itv.com/xfactor)

The X Factor 2009 - Joe McElderry: Could it Be Magic - Live Show 8 (itv.com/xfactor)

Joe stole the show for me last night.
Love this song and his voice.
I did want olly to win but ive changed my mind over the last 2 weeks, this little guys getting better and better.
Joe to win.......

Sunshine and Clouds

Its been a blurred few weeks, I haven't blogged as i simply haven't had anything good to write, Its all been work for me and being ill , so I'm now on a mission to sort myself out. I missed riding and salsa so badly, but by the time evenings get here i wasn't in any fit shape to do either, so its been a time Ive also reflected on whats important to me and how i can change things for the better to find a happy balance of what i love and have some kind of life back.

Its started when my fella sat me down to speak to me, i was getting pretty down even when i wouldn't admit it to myself, so many changes and balls to juggle it seemed like a never ending pit of 'need to do' stuff.. He was constantly working away so i was trying to help the kids with homework as well as run a business, i was ashamed to call mine...

I decided i wanted to change my website so have now started to do just that, im really enjoying this side of it and its bringing back the reasons why i love it so much, its part of me and always has been, over the last few years Ive had much of my fellas influence involved with my business, as he used to work on the roofs and got to the point he couldn't do it anymore, part of it was his good friend falling off and dying in front of his son, it hits home, they had 4 kids just like us, so it could have been me getting a call just like Simon's wife did. The other part was it was such a physical job and a fit mans world, he would come home soaked through to the skin and be so physically exhausted theres only so much of that a person can take and although the money was good he paid for it in many ways....

We decided then whatever he wanted to do, we would take the steps needed and indeed the risk, and he would learn a new career. Partly as i was treated so crap by several so called website builders and SEO people, he started on his journey of learning all what he could in that field.

The last 30 months has gradually been a build up of the workload hitting heights non of us imagined, we work all day and feed the kids then out come those laptops and off we go again, the lights always on here, regardless if its 4am..its no way to live though.....

I used to moan and feel if I'm honest a bit left out, i didn't understand his new world, but knew the things he was learning would be invaluable both to him and me, so we persevered and found ourselves living on my income for the last 2 years which meant things were a real struggle here, the kids never moan and always tell me i work too hard, but for them i would do anything so you try to smile and be strong for them, sometimes it wasn't easy though.

i tried to look on it as a new future and new adventure but when you are trying to hold up a home with 4 growing kids in it, its not cheap..

My aunt has been i have to say, my guardian angel... shes helped me through thick and thin and is always here for me on those days i wake up feeling exhausted before i even start, she knows just by the tone of my voice when i need help and always manages to make me see some positive in everything, that part of me i felt was lost somewhere buried in the mountain of where was my life heading and how can i get back on track?

I listened when my fella needed to talk, tried to tell him it wasn't him when everyone around him called him stupid and told him to go get a paid job... but we are now coming out of the other side of the cloud, its been one hell of a journey and although Ive had some challenges in my time, I think apart from when the triplets were born too early and the stress and worry we both felt, this chapter in my life comes a close second..

It all came to a head over November as i spent week after week being riddled with migraines as my head simply couldn't shut down, i was asking it questions no one had answers to, including myself... I know now why they call us dizzy blondes........ I slotted into that category perfectly......

Now hes gone off into the big wide world on his new venture things are starting to make sense again, he wont be second best at anything, so has learnt his new job inside out just as i hoped he would... We were living off what takings i took through my site and stock levels were hitting the floor, theres nothing worse than watching something good, disappear slowly like that, i have worked my arse off and worked on this site for nearly 10 years, its my baby yet i felt like it was being strangled......

Over the last couple of weeks, Ive managed to start again in regards of my work, i have found a part of me i thought id lost and wake up again excited about whats to come, the stock room is looking amazing again and has huge promise as everything she takes goes back into her again now so everyday when i wake up i think myself lucky that my fella learns quickly and somehow through all this there was light at the end of the tunnel..

I finally started back riding last night, but for the first time i felt my nerves a little uneasy, would the horse pick up on what i was feeling and was this going to be my rude awakening , but thanks to some bloody good people up there and my teacher Phil they have managed to restore my confidence and i came home totally happy.. My fella had cooked me a surprise meal which was an amazing steak in pepper sauce and I sat there fat and happy, like the cat who got the cream,with the biggest smile on my face and felt something i havent felt in a while 'contentment'..

Tonight we are bribing the kids with a video and getting some salsa tracks on, we both really miss our friends there especially Sharon and Richard as the whole salsa world had become part of us, we have both forgotten our moves so are going to make a start tonight and practise here, hopefully we can rejoin our class again on Thursday and start to find some kind of normality and balance back..

The best part is my fellas partner has now been handed the keys to his new place, so they now have an office that's a stones throw away, and for the first time last night, in i would say over a year my fella came home without his laptop ! Its his new rule of the house and was promised when he said about this new office.. It means no more weeks of working away, just an occasional trip when needed, and my fella and me back on that road of learning to be Steve and Jo again ..

We have had to make big sacrifices and part of it meant we lost ourselves there for a while, but just like my website when i look at her everyday now, its all looking so much better and exciting ..

The futures bright and starting to bring the feeling, that this has all been worth it........

Now we just have to listen to ourselves and dig out that part of us the work load burried..

It takes a cloudy season to make you appreciate, just how good that sun feels when it shines on you doesn't it?

Hopefully now i will have some good stuff to share on here again with my friends too...

WWW.J-LOU.COM

The X Factor Olly Murs Show 4 (Rock Week) - Come Together

He was the best of the boys for me.. This totally rocks !

The X Factor 2009 - Stacey Solomon - Live Show 4 (itv.com/xfactor)

I thought she did so well.. Love the Keane song and loved her performance..