Wings

Sorry for my lack of posts recently, i have been a bit burried this end in work but im slowly getting through it all..

Last week i went riding as normal and i was back on shadow, it was hard to explain but she was riding so fast constantly wanting to canter so it got me worried about how i was going to be able to stay in control and jump safely, all week its worried me, i was going to ask sarah if i could go back onto sorrel, but im not the type of girl that quits easily and didnt want to give up before id even tried, so decided yesterday i was going to bite the bullet and have a go, this horse is a professional showjumper so she knows how to jump well, i just kept thinking i wasnt good enough to jump with her..lol

So thats where i was yesterday anyway and how i felt inside....


I got to lessons this morning and the paddock was set up for the jumps.. sarahs face said what we were doing when i went in, all the girls were there to watch ..ooops

I dont get nervous with everyday things, in fact some things i should feel nervous about i wont, but if its a test or im put out on show, it really gets me, i felt really sick today...

So out comes shadow, along with my blackmail polos and onto her saddle i get, i told my fella before i left if im going to fall, it would be today, as i wasnt going to let this horse take away the fun i feel from riding, so i knew i had to do this..

The lesson was a really challenging one, i was leading a group of 3 today, with sorrel trying to constantly scratch his itch on shadows bum , the horses hate it and its dangerous as they buck badly, so knowing my daughter was behind her put more pressure on getting it right.. the good news is i got it sooo right today....yipeeeeeeeeeeee

I took the jumps first in canter and she cleared them by miles, once id done one, that was it, the adrenaline kicked in and i wanted to keep going, after every jump nikita put them up higher and higher so after several jumps it was bloody high... it was to show me that conquering the worst first is always best, its not about falling, its about the trying ...

The last jump was my all time best, she had said it was the last one before turn in, so i decided id let shadow go and see how quick she would take it, my god what a feeling.... my outside impression didnt touch how i felt inside ....... im so glad i didnt bottle and let the fear of the unknown stop me from feeling like that.......

I grew so much today, big time, in spirit and in confidence...... Some things we do and find in life push us to grow and grow, i want to feel everything i can feel and experience as much as i can fit in my time here .. I wont live my life being told what i can and cant do, neither would i ever give orders, its my life and down to me to make the most of it ......

Today i made the most of it, be it right or wrong for my business, safe or dangerous to myself, if we dont take risks we dont experience life to its full, and this was just the start .......

I want to feel those wings, not die sitting in front of a TV watching other peoples lives through a soap... thats not living........thats dying to me.....

I want to sit down sometimes.......but only to watch the sun rise or set ....with people i love and want to experience this with....

They are the little things that give me my wings.........

And make me feel......... like i can fly..........