Torn

Sometimes as much as i dont want to, i cant seem to help myself.. its been like that this morning..
Im just back from going with my fella to see the dr, this time its for him.
Since ive been ill hes not feeling so good in himself, i know its worrying about me and the fact hes trying to hold everything together here, i feel so reponsible for everything falliing to bits, im not myself at all at the moment.
I honestly think he would be better off away from here now.. one of us feeling like this is bad enough, two just isnt fair..
The kids are getting older, less dependant and i know if i was left alone id have to sort this out. At the moment im an emotional mess with a head full of questions i have no answers for today.
My chest is fucking sore, yesterday was such a drainer.. I thought they would cover me up a bit but instead i watched them do everything as its gone in my upper chest.. emotionally i wasnt prepared for how it made me feel inside and how scared i was on that table.. I counted everyone of those 30 stictches go in, hoping on each one that would be the last ...thinking to myself, whats gone in has to come out ......
The nurses kept asking why i was on my own, i was the only person in there who didnt take someone with them. but ive got to the point where i dont want anyone there to see that shit happen, it affects them just as much, its probably better if they do ignore this.. I dont want to make him ill and im simply not myself at the moment............

Knocks and falls

I think Ive had one of those weeks, its not been a very easy one to say the least...

I am the type of person that appreciates those simple things, i don't do stress well (i don't usually let it get to me) and am happy with the quieter things that life can bring.. like the sunshine, watching stars or being near the sea, that to me is as good as anything you could buy and id choose that anytime......

Ive had a pretty hectic few days both with my head being like a spin dryer, chasing my bum to catch up with photos and getting the gear listed and it seems to affected me badly this week.. i just cant get it done...

Whether its because i feel like I'm banging my head up against a wall sometimes or sometimes it would be nice to be just given a break... but i also know i shouldn't even think like that as theres always someone else worse off....... but for the first time in a long while i feel mentally drained...

I know sometimes we have to allow ourselves to hit a lull to then appreciate those good days, but last night i honestly sat here in tears, angry with myself for letting things get to me so much, but also not knowing what i needed to do, so i could feel better in myself......

So tonight ive sat here deep in thought, still pretty tearful, but as the kids are up i have to face away and look like im working as usual........... i need a holiday (that i cant have) but have a good compromise coming as my kids are having the holiday for me this time, Monday with the school, so i guess it will do the same thing and allow me relax a bit... and ill be happy knowing they are all having a great time...... so that parts good

I don't often get ill or run down, so whatever it is that's making me feel like Ive done 13 rounds with Tyson, i hope it soon goes, so i can get back to feeling more like myself again... im not used to this, and neither is anyone around me, they all keep trying to talk to me, when i don't want to talk..

I am grumpy, sore to touch just about everywhere and thoroughly p***** off .......lol

And its not how i wanted to spend a weekend ....

So I'm going to turn off my website tonight, grab a bottle of vodka (im out of brandy) and give myself a genuine reason to why i have a headache from hell..........

I don't normally give up and let the everyday things get to me, so tomorrow Ive got to wake up, pull my boots on, and sort myself out.....

I'm hoping riding will put this week behind me ....

and put back the smile that's missing.......

That will also be another experience...........

horseriding on a hangover............. lol