It was so lovely and hot last night, It felt like i was on a holiday!
The last couple of days im getting more back to normal here, it feels good. The garden is looking my kind of lovely, 3 days on the trot ive come up with a great meal from its offerings.
My fella left early with the kids so ive got the day to myself. I really hope this meeting goes well for him, its a national company and would set him off on a bloody good footing. Its important.
After saying that mum now phoned to see if i wanted some company today, she couldnt have timed it better, id love some....... I have bought paints to redo the table and furnishings in the kitchen..
I need to get past this week healthily.. Its the 5th week since the last fit which is usually the week it starts again.. Fingers crossed it doesn't happen this time around. Im feeling good and want to stay that way.....
I cant wait til it rains today.. Im wearing my shorts and intend standing outside in it later.. When you feel a need to do something then you should.. So mums gonna get a giggle today.
Tuesday, June 28
Saturday, June 25
Sunrise
Headaches finally cleared this morning.. Thank god. I thought i was gonna miss the sunshine!
By the way where is it?
Muggins here went out watering the plants last night with one eye closed and all.... They are probably all drowned this morning out there.
The dressings are finally off properly this morning, thanks to a long bath, I can see what im dealing with now, its not too bad, just a bit lumpy. Its not hurting to move at all anymore so i must be getting used to it.. My fella had a look and said it was fine, then reminded me its gotta be cut open again to come back out! Thanks for that! Talk about cheering me up.. I have a secret recipe for scars and quick healing which i know works so will be using that now.. It doesn't hide up the fact you can see the device really clearly inside my chest, but its there to help til they know whats happening with me.... Hopefully nothing more.... I was pretty down, id stopped smoking on top of that and stranger things can happen.... It was def a low point of my life..
Its wine making day here, i cleaned the garden ready and my fellas promised he will move all the bottles from outside on the decking.. Its a mess.. hes turning his shed into a brewery today instead which will be amusing.. that means dads in the shed pissed when he disappears then!
The house is so quiet today, just Brandon and Callum in bed asleep.. Ryan's probably got the biggest smile on the planet this morning waking up on holiday with his bird.....
I'm gonna attempt a few sit ups this morning and am gonna drive myself down the tanning center.. I'm fed up with feeling and looking a mess so need to do something about it now i can move properly..
Its my fellas birthday on the 30th so i need to try and find something nice... I think at the moment all he wants is a good piss up and night away from here so I'm gonna have a look and see what i can come up with.. hes pretty low in himself as hes fat (they are his words not mine) it doesn't make any difference to me as hes still the same inside, but he doesn't see it like that.. Ive got a fucking square box shoved down my cleavage so i don't exactly feel very sexy either........ at least it wont poke into him with a bit of extra meat on him............lol
The BBQ is gonna get cleaned today and subtly I'm gonna just keep cooking chicken and salad for the next month for tea..........
Hes going back to work properly next week with Paul.. Its no good staying here just in case. Hes been doing alternate days up the office but needs to go back now.. I agree with him......
By the way where is it?
Muggins here went out watering the plants last night with one eye closed and all.... They are probably all drowned this morning out there.
The dressings are finally off properly this morning, thanks to a long bath, I can see what im dealing with now, its not too bad, just a bit lumpy. Its not hurting to move at all anymore so i must be getting used to it.. My fella had a look and said it was fine, then reminded me its gotta be cut open again to come back out! Thanks for that! Talk about cheering me up.. I have a secret recipe for scars and quick healing which i know works so will be using that now.. It doesn't hide up the fact you can see the device really clearly inside my chest, but its there to help til they know whats happening with me.... Hopefully nothing more.... I was pretty down, id stopped smoking on top of that and stranger things can happen.... It was def a low point of my life..
Its wine making day here, i cleaned the garden ready and my fellas promised he will move all the bottles from outside on the decking.. Its a mess.. hes turning his shed into a brewery today instead which will be amusing.. that means dads in the shed pissed when he disappears then!
The house is so quiet today, just Brandon and Callum in bed asleep.. Ryan's probably got the biggest smile on the planet this morning waking up on holiday with his bird.....
I'm gonna attempt a few sit ups this morning and am gonna drive myself down the tanning center.. I'm fed up with feeling and looking a mess so need to do something about it now i can move properly..
Its my fellas birthday on the 30th so i need to try and find something nice... I think at the moment all he wants is a good piss up and night away from here so I'm gonna have a look and see what i can come up with.. hes pretty low in himself as hes fat (they are his words not mine) it doesn't make any difference to me as hes still the same inside, but he doesn't see it like that.. Ive got a fucking square box shoved down my cleavage so i don't exactly feel very sexy either........ at least it wont poke into him with a bit of extra meat on him............lol
The BBQ is gonna get cleaned today and subtly I'm gonna just keep cooking chicken and salad for the next month for tea..........
Hes going back to work properly next week with Paul.. Its no good staying here just in case. Hes been doing alternate days up the office but needs to go back now.. I agree with him......
Tuesday, June 21
Sunsets
I feel so optimistic today, some days when you wake up, you just feel happy. Todays one of those days..
The suns shining, the birds are singing their heads off and it feels good.
Ive been out in the garden with my tea to see whats changing out there and smiling secretly to myself when i see new life peeking through.
Tonight i was hoping to go to the beach, but plans have been changed, my fella, my eldest son and his girlfriend all want to go to salsa so are taking the car.. he wasnt happy about me driving myself up waxham beach alone in case any thing happens to me when im there...
The last time i went to chant i came home so calm and happy inside, it does really make a difference. I got lost of course trying to find roses place but my fella ended up being a taxi which meant i could also have a drink.. I was lost in the chant that night, i felt like i was floating.. It was magical... So i'll wish my friends a warm summer solstice and hope mother nature brings them an amazing sunset to add to their evening.....xxx
We have started the changes to the site, which have been amusing, ive been changing pictures like a looney to load in bigger sizes but love whats happening to it so far.. Im also working on the other shop as thats next..
Im very reluctant to do photos anymore but my fellas telling me to try them, The fact that il have to sit and clone over a lump doesn't make it appealing but its like my fella says, its not in there for ever...This is only temporary........
Tomorrow im going with David for a couple of days to his sisters place to get it ready for her, my eldest has been there all week helping and cannot see what me sitting indoors is gonna do to help, as long as someones there who knows what to do its all you can do, so my fella said yes and is putting all his meetings into the next 2 days so he can do what he needs to while im away during the day. I can't wait to see what the decorators have done up there, tomorrow im taking some pictures of that quaint kitchen of hers to get some ideas for mine as its time i redecorated... Its to die for with that beautiful little range oven... Hopefully i wont though, or i'll be in the doghouse with my lot..........lol
Right back to work now.. I want to get this fnished today..its coming on a treat..
The suns shining, the birds are singing their heads off and it feels good.
Ive been out in the garden with my tea to see whats changing out there and smiling secretly to myself when i see new life peeking through.
Tonight i was hoping to go to the beach, but plans have been changed, my fella, my eldest son and his girlfriend all want to go to salsa so are taking the car.. he wasnt happy about me driving myself up waxham beach alone in case any thing happens to me when im there...
The last time i went to chant i came home so calm and happy inside, it does really make a difference. I got lost of course trying to find roses place but my fella ended up being a taxi which meant i could also have a drink.. I was lost in the chant that night, i felt like i was floating.. It was magical... So i'll wish my friends a warm summer solstice and hope mother nature brings them an amazing sunset to add to their evening.....xxx
We have started the changes to the site, which have been amusing, ive been changing pictures like a looney to load in bigger sizes but love whats happening to it so far.. Im also working on the other shop as thats next..
Im very reluctant to do photos anymore but my fellas telling me to try them, The fact that il have to sit and clone over a lump doesn't make it appealing but its like my fella says, its not in there for ever...This is only temporary........
Tomorrow im going with David for a couple of days to his sisters place to get it ready for her, my eldest has been there all week helping and cannot see what me sitting indoors is gonna do to help, as long as someones there who knows what to do its all you can do, so my fella said yes and is putting all his meetings into the next 2 days so he can do what he needs to while im away during the day. I can't wait to see what the decorators have done up there, tomorrow im taking some pictures of that quaint kitchen of hers to get some ideas for mine as its time i redecorated... Its to die for with that beautiful little range oven... Hopefully i wont though, or i'll be in the doghouse with my lot..........lol
Right back to work now.. I want to get this fnished today..its coming on a treat..
Sunday, June 19
Fathers day
Fathers day has been amusing in our house today.. My fella got up at 6 to wake the boys for their paper rounds, thats usually my job so it made me laugh that the one day he should have a lie, in he gets up!
Hes really into this home brew lark now so i bought him something extra from us all for putting up with us for another year, a 30 bottle set Shiraz/Merlot red wine kit.. With the 5 demi johns he has outside filled with ginger beer and the rest of it, it should allow a few amusing slurry nights.. Im getting right into my home baking now thanks to river cottage and am getting good at it according to this lot, so ill be in the kitchen doing the food, he can make the booze.. Perfect for nights round the firepit with friends........ Although im not sure the neighbours will agree...
We are trying salsa starting on Tuesday, i can't wait to start getting out again.. Im just gonna have to be careful who i dance with..or stick to bachata..
Im asking Dayle to come up and sort my hair out this week, I had the longest bath and hair wash yesterday which made me feel so much better..But it needs cutting badly now.
I want to go see Bob at the hospital today, he did bring me up and is my dad in every sense of the word where it counts. hes managing to say yes and no now, which is good and although hes still paralysed he is making a slow progress.. Hes managed to keep breathing through 3 strokes up there and a brain hemorrhage so is an inspiration to us all.. Even when you feel theres no hope, you need to keep trying....
The kids bought Steve a bloody stupid drinking hard hat! which hes promised to wear today, he can drink away while he makes some wine........ Its time i started to drink it with him now, even the drs said red wines good for you... otherwise he will be blot toed with all that lot to drink.. My garden is home to a brewery and Mediterranean salad garden which looks and smells lovely... Im like a child out there every morning seeing what i can put with dinner growing....
Ive been doing my own olive oils here with chilli and garlic and all sorts of herbs, the difference it adds to the cooking is briliant.. Ive got orders for the next batch and shit loads of jam orders waiting... I knew i liked growing things and cooking but i didnt realise just how much everyone else likes me doing this.
Its not been nice being shut indoors all the time, but i guess thats the positive i can take with me on this, ive experimented and really found something i like doing, growing stuff and then creating gorgeous meals to use it up with, its that feel good feeling you get seeing everyones faces when they munch away happily, knowing you made it from nothing..... Ive got a greenhouse full of nearly ready cucumbers which bring a smile to my face every morning when i see how big they are getting...........how sad is that! lol
Hes really into this home brew lark now so i bought him something extra from us all for putting up with us for another year, a 30 bottle set Shiraz/Merlot red wine kit.. With the 5 demi johns he has outside filled with ginger beer and the rest of it, it should allow a few amusing slurry nights.. Im getting right into my home baking now thanks to river cottage and am getting good at it according to this lot, so ill be in the kitchen doing the food, he can make the booze.. Perfect for nights round the firepit with friends........ Although im not sure the neighbours will agree...
We are trying salsa starting on Tuesday, i can't wait to start getting out again.. Im just gonna have to be careful who i dance with..or stick to bachata..
Im asking Dayle to come up and sort my hair out this week, I had the longest bath and hair wash yesterday which made me feel so much better..But it needs cutting badly now.
I want to go see Bob at the hospital today, he did bring me up and is my dad in every sense of the word where it counts. hes managing to say yes and no now, which is good and although hes still paralysed he is making a slow progress.. Hes managed to keep breathing through 3 strokes up there and a brain hemorrhage so is an inspiration to us all.. Even when you feel theres no hope, you need to keep trying....
The kids bought Steve a bloody stupid drinking hard hat! which hes promised to wear today, he can drink away while he makes some wine........ Its time i started to drink it with him now, even the drs said red wines good for you... otherwise he will be blot toed with all that lot to drink.. My garden is home to a brewery and Mediterranean salad garden which looks and smells lovely... Im like a child out there every morning seeing what i can put with dinner growing....
Ive been doing my own olive oils here with chilli and garlic and all sorts of herbs, the difference it adds to the cooking is briliant.. Ive got orders for the next batch and shit loads of jam orders waiting... I knew i liked growing things and cooking but i didnt realise just how much everyone else likes me doing this.
Its not been nice being shut indoors all the time, but i guess thats the positive i can take with me on this, ive experimented and really found something i like doing, growing stuff and then creating gorgeous meals to use it up with, its that feel good feeling you get seeing everyones faces when they munch away happily, knowing you made it from nothing..... Ive got a greenhouse full of nearly ready cucumbers which bring a smile to my face every morning when i see how big they are getting...........how sad is that! lol
Saturday, June 18
After The Rain
How good is it to see some rain out there, everyone moans but the garden needs it badly, the farmers are depending on this coming. Laying there last night i couldn't sleep, so i just layed there listening to the rain, it was lovely.
I wanted so much to go to the party last night but my fella said no.. He knows its hurting even when i do try to hide it, its bruising from inside out everytime i move, it is gonna take time to adjust to this, im telling my body to accept it but its a pretty big lump for it to ignore, sleeping im fiding most difficult as it burns like mad everytime i turn over, so i was thankful to the rain last night for keeping me company and allowing me some time to think...
Im positive they will sort out my problem, so need to stay focussed now..
Mareks working on my site either this week, ive given him a list of what i want changed and cannot wait to see the look of it, its so dated now, so time that changed.. Everything changes.............
Some changes are not always for the best i accept that, but ive got to now only worry about the things i can change ... Not the things i cannot....
The last couple of months although have knocked me back, have also helped me find that voice i couldnt seem to find when i needed... Things i cannot change i will walk away from, and not loose sleep over. I spent so much time worrying about things i could never do anything about, for what? learning to just worry about just those things i can change... makes sense...
Ill accept whatever comes in the other format and move on..
I did paint my nails last night, for the first time in ages, id been putting it off in case i was rushed back to hospital ( they cant read through polish on the machine) so i simply stopped painting.. just in case.. its madness! Fuck that! Im not living like that anymore......Whatever is meant to happen, will......
I can change today and enjoy every moment of what it brings.. so thats what im doing, even if it means ive been stuck in for a while, ive learnt new things while im in here..which will make this summer an even better experience..
That old rain certainly helped wash some haze away up there last night.. I feel im back on track mentally and want to get myself well, so physically i can do what i want to do again...... Theres so much out there i intend to do yet...
Everything does always look better after the rain, all bright and glistening , filled with fresh hope and wonder.. Or is it my eyes are just seeing clearer for the good old downpour...
Perhaps thats what we all need sometimes, a night of listening to mother natures soothing sounds , washing away old thoughts and feelings, so we can look forward again to see the world for what it could be..... rather than what has been.......
I wanted so much to go to the party last night but my fella said no.. He knows its hurting even when i do try to hide it, its bruising from inside out everytime i move, it is gonna take time to adjust to this, im telling my body to accept it but its a pretty big lump for it to ignore, sleeping im fiding most difficult as it burns like mad everytime i turn over, so i was thankful to the rain last night for keeping me company and allowing me some time to think...
Im positive they will sort out my problem, so need to stay focussed now..
Mareks working on my site either this week, ive given him a list of what i want changed and cannot wait to see the look of it, its so dated now, so time that changed.. Everything changes.............
Some changes are not always for the best i accept that, but ive got to now only worry about the things i can change ... Not the things i cannot....
The last couple of months although have knocked me back, have also helped me find that voice i couldnt seem to find when i needed... Things i cannot change i will walk away from, and not loose sleep over. I spent so much time worrying about things i could never do anything about, for what? learning to just worry about just those things i can change... makes sense...
Ill accept whatever comes in the other format and move on..
I did paint my nails last night, for the first time in ages, id been putting it off in case i was rushed back to hospital ( they cant read through polish on the machine) so i simply stopped painting.. just in case.. its madness! Fuck that! Im not living like that anymore......Whatever is meant to happen, will......
I can change today and enjoy every moment of what it brings.. so thats what im doing, even if it means ive been stuck in for a while, ive learnt new things while im in here..which will make this summer an even better experience..
That old rain certainly helped wash some haze away up there last night.. I feel im back on track mentally and want to get myself well, so physically i can do what i want to do again...... Theres so much out there i intend to do yet...
Everything does always look better after the rain, all bright and glistening , filled with fresh hope and wonder.. Or is it my eyes are just seeing clearer for the good old downpour...
Perhaps thats what we all need sometimes, a night of listening to mother natures soothing sounds , washing away old thoughts and feelings, so we can look forward again to see the world for what it could be..... rather than what has been.......
Wednesday, June 15
Limited
Yesterday was a good day. My fella had shit loads to do he worked all day and all night bless.. he must be knackered today.. Hes got 4 important meetings today so im spending the day alone. Im nervous but have to do this.. for his sake as well as my own...
I used to love my days on my own, i could work paint and do all those bits i enjoy doing,I got over the first lot of problems and went back to life as normal, but i must admit the last lot has left me nervous to do that yet.
I was hoping my mum would come up for an hour or so but no such luck.. shes out shopping looking for furniture for her new flat she hasnt got yet, everyones quick to say "let me know if you need anything", but when you do need someone theres never noone there... lol..
I should have known better for hoping.
This implant thingy isnt nice, the wound is healing nicely but its so fucking big in there it sticks into something inside everytime i move.. bending forward manages to hurt the most as it smacks into my collar bone, I hope this isnt how its gonna feel and hope its only til it heals properly.
I'd love to get back dancing and riding so i can feel more positive, sitting in this place is doing my head in... Im getting through editing today so it doesnt keep looking at me unfinished..but my hearts not in it today if im honest.. Its so lovely out there i keep thinking about the beach and going for a walk, but ive promised ill not do anything stupid..
I feel like ive been dragged through a hedge backwards, my hair is making me feel like shit, I need to sort myself out so i feel better but am not allowed a bath til tomorrow... its the first time in years ive not painted my nails and kept myself pruned and it does make you feel like crap.. I need to find that ' you'll soon sort yourself out girl mindframe.....and think positive
Im going to salsa tomorrow so my fella can get back dancing, its agua on friday and one of the best party nights going, which is gonna be a shit, how im supposed to sit there all night and not dance is beyond me.
It says you can go back to normal activities around 10 days after the op as soon as swelling goes down and stiches are clean..but as the drs said i needed more meat on me to cushion round the implant so im starting to believe that salsa as i know it, may not happen for a while yet..im seeing the dr again tomorrow so im gonna speak to him and see if theres anything i can do to help myself more..
Half of me wishes id have one of these siezures quickly so this thing can do its job and they can take it out, the other half hopes i never have to experience one again.... It could be a day or a year waiting like this so im gonna have to get used to it being in there.. it can stay in for 18 months so i need to shut up moaning.. its there to help and thats how i have to look on it..
Id love to just get in the car and go for a drive today....... i really miss those simple things.......
I get enough warning when these start that i can get myself on a floor or stop what im doing so im hoping the dr says i can get back to some kind of life again.. Its my fella ive felt sorry for, hes not ill and has to fucking sit here all the time.. I love my home but i dont love being shut in it !
I used to love my days on my own, i could work paint and do all those bits i enjoy doing,I got over the first lot of problems and went back to life as normal, but i must admit the last lot has left me nervous to do that yet.
I was hoping my mum would come up for an hour or so but no such luck.. shes out shopping looking for furniture for her new flat she hasnt got yet, everyones quick to say "let me know if you need anything", but when you do need someone theres never noone there... lol..
I should have known better for hoping.
This implant thingy isnt nice, the wound is healing nicely but its so fucking big in there it sticks into something inside everytime i move.. bending forward manages to hurt the most as it smacks into my collar bone, I hope this isnt how its gonna feel and hope its only til it heals properly.
I'd love to get back dancing and riding so i can feel more positive, sitting in this place is doing my head in... Im getting through editing today so it doesnt keep looking at me unfinished..but my hearts not in it today if im honest.. Its so lovely out there i keep thinking about the beach and going for a walk, but ive promised ill not do anything stupid..
I feel like ive been dragged through a hedge backwards, my hair is making me feel like shit, I need to sort myself out so i feel better but am not allowed a bath til tomorrow... its the first time in years ive not painted my nails and kept myself pruned and it does make you feel like crap.. I need to find that ' you'll soon sort yourself out girl mindframe.....and think positive
Im going to salsa tomorrow so my fella can get back dancing, its agua on friday and one of the best party nights going, which is gonna be a shit, how im supposed to sit there all night and not dance is beyond me.
It says you can go back to normal activities around 10 days after the op as soon as swelling goes down and stiches are clean..but as the drs said i needed more meat on me to cushion round the implant so im starting to believe that salsa as i know it, may not happen for a while yet..im seeing the dr again tomorrow so im gonna speak to him and see if theres anything i can do to help myself more..
Half of me wishes id have one of these siezures quickly so this thing can do its job and they can take it out, the other half hopes i never have to experience one again.... It could be a day or a year waiting like this so im gonna have to get used to it being in there.. it can stay in for 18 months so i need to shut up moaning.. its there to help and thats how i have to look on it..
Id love to just get in the car and go for a drive today....... i really miss those simple things.......
I get enough warning when these start that i can get myself on a floor or stop what im doing so im hoping the dr says i can get back to some kind of life again.. Its my fella ive felt sorry for, hes not ill and has to fucking sit here all the time.. I love my home but i dont love being shut in it !
Friday, June 10
Torn
Sometimes as much as i dont want to, i cant seem to help myself.. its been like that this morning..
Im just back from going with my fella to see the dr, this time its for him.
Since ive been ill hes not feeling so good in himself, i know its worrying about me and the fact hes trying to hold everything together here, i feel so reponsible for everything falliing to bits, im not myself at all at the moment.
I honestly think he would be better off away from here now.. one of us feeling like this is bad enough, two just isnt fair..
The kids are getting older, less dependant and i know if i was left alone id have to sort this out. At the moment im an emotional mess with a head full of questions i have no answers for today.
My chest is fucking sore, yesterday was such a drainer.. I thought they would cover me up a bit but instead i watched them do everything as its gone in my upper chest.. emotionally i wasnt prepared for how it made me feel inside and how scared i was on that table.. I counted everyone of those 30 stictches go in, hoping on each one that would be the last ...thinking to myself, whats gone in has to come out ......
The nurses kept asking why i was on my own, i was the only person in there who didnt take someone with them. but ive got to the point where i dont want anyone there to see that shit happen, it affects them just as much, its probably better if they do ignore this.. I dont want to make him ill and im simply not myself at the moment............
Im just back from going with my fella to see the dr, this time its for him.
Since ive been ill hes not feeling so good in himself, i know its worrying about me and the fact hes trying to hold everything together here, i feel so reponsible for everything falliing to bits, im not myself at all at the moment.
I honestly think he would be better off away from here now.. one of us feeling like this is bad enough, two just isnt fair..
The kids are getting older, less dependant and i know if i was left alone id have to sort this out. At the moment im an emotional mess with a head full of questions i have no answers for today.
My chest is fucking sore, yesterday was such a drainer.. I thought they would cover me up a bit but instead i watched them do everything as its gone in my upper chest.. emotionally i wasnt prepared for how it made me feel inside and how scared i was on that table.. I counted everyone of those 30 stictches go in, hoping on each one that would be the last ...thinking to myself, whats gone in has to come out ......
The nurses kept asking why i was on my own, i was the only person in there who didnt take someone with them. but ive got to the point where i dont want anyone there to see that shit happen, it affects them just as much, its probably better if they do ignore this.. I dont want to make him ill and im simply not myself at the moment............
Wednesday, June 8
Ready
What a giggle today has been. Mandy and Deon have been up and we have been having such a giggle. I've had my pre op this morning and am cooking meals ready for this lot, my sisters taking me into hospital as my fellas working but he will be able to pick me up if they let me home..
My fellas sense of humour is on top form, even Mandy says she would have thumped him by now, but if thats what gets him through this, ill happily take the hype..... he looks a lot worse than i do at the moment, im concerned hes not taking this as well i hes making out.. Hes got a huge stye come up on his eye, and looks like hes got the worlds weight on his shoulders... Hopefully once this ops done tomorrow we can both have some time to ourselves again.. its not good to be together 24/7 like this... hes like a caged animal poor sod..
We have a party to go to this sat at our friends in sutton and im aiming to go although he doesnt think we are.. I know i cant dance or drink yet, but theres no reason my fella can't, After 10 days i will be able to go back to leading a more normal life again ... im going back to riding and salsa and making the most of every minute i can......
I had my heart scanned yesterday which was a relief.. (yes they did find one!)
Its as strong as hell and perfect according to the dr, theres no damage whatsoever with that.. This is an electrical problem by the looks of it, somethings telling the heart to stop..
Roll on tomorrow.. hopefully this will give everyone some answers and relief then once its in....
My fellas sense of humour is on top form, even Mandy says she would have thumped him by now, but if thats what gets him through this, ill happily take the hype..... he looks a lot worse than i do at the moment, im concerned hes not taking this as well i hes making out.. Hes got a huge stye come up on his eye, and looks like hes got the worlds weight on his shoulders... Hopefully once this ops done tomorrow we can both have some time to ourselves again.. its not good to be together 24/7 like this... hes like a caged animal poor sod..
We have a party to go to this sat at our friends in sutton and im aiming to go although he doesnt think we are.. I know i cant dance or drink yet, but theres no reason my fella can't, After 10 days i will be able to go back to leading a more normal life again ... im going back to riding and salsa and making the most of every minute i can......
I had my heart scanned yesterday which was a relief.. (yes they did find one!)
Its as strong as hell and perfect according to the dr, theres no damage whatsoever with that.. This is an electrical problem by the looks of it, somethings telling the heart to stop..
Roll on tomorrow.. hopefully this will give everyone some answers and relief then once its in....
Tuesday, June 7
Calm
Yesterday went well, we were up the hospital nearly all afternoon but it was worth it, I had emailed this lady specialist a couple of weeks back and she insited i would be seeing her and not her understudy so i didnt mind waiting. She was worth the wait and really lovely. She wasnt amused the things she asked the hospital to do hadn't been carried out while i was in there previously and promised she will be working with me until im sorted out. I was given the date of the 12th July for this operation but she said it was too long to wait after the amounts of fits i have had now, she filled in forms and told me she wants it done this week, so i am to sit by the phone and wait for a call... Shes not messing about thats for sure. I havent got much faith in the NHS left after the last couple of months but she was really good and helped restore some.
The hospital now phoned and my operations at 12 this Thursday.. I have been told that my sister cannot come with me now as i may need a general anesthetic and not a local.. not going to know apparently til the surgeon looks at me and knows where hes putting this device in ? I hope its a local.. I want to be able to come home.. not good at staying in that place...
Its taken 6 weeks to see this specialist but shes been on the ball today and doing everything she said she would do..
I did half the dress photos at nannies this weekend so im gonna see if my fella will do the other half tomorrow afternoon now, i know he will moan and say no but.. these need to be done as the whole section needs sorting out and redoing, the ones we did i am really pleased with and dont want to do half a job, I can just sit then and sort out that section while i heal from Thursdays op without worrying i have stock there not photoed.. Im not sure whats going to happen once this is done, its a case of wait for the next seizure and then they will know what to do with me.. so i need to prepare if i cannot do photos anymore or need further surgery, i will have time then to get my model in.. ive already got one lined up ready, whos happy to take over..... I'll then be the photographer until Ryans ready, hes doing a photography course at college and cannot wait to get behind the camera taking photos of pretty models... lol
I may do some cooking this afternoon and see if i can get some meals ready here..
The hospital now phoned and my operations at 12 this Thursday.. I have been told that my sister cannot come with me now as i may need a general anesthetic and not a local.. not going to know apparently til the surgeon looks at me and knows where hes putting this device in ? I hope its a local.. I want to be able to come home.. not good at staying in that place...
Its taken 6 weeks to see this specialist but shes been on the ball today and doing everything she said she would do..
I did half the dress photos at nannies this weekend so im gonna see if my fella will do the other half tomorrow afternoon now, i know he will moan and say no but.. these need to be done as the whole section needs sorting out and redoing, the ones we did i am really pleased with and dont want to do half a job, I can just sit then and sort out that section while i heal from Thursdays op without worrying i have stock there not photoed.. Im not sure whats going to happen once this is done, its a case of wait for the next seizure and then they will know what to do with me.. so i need to prepare if i cannot do photos anymore or need further surgery, i will have time then to get my model in.. ive already got one lined up ready, whos happy to take over..... I'll then be the photographer until Ryans ready, hes doing a photography course at college and cannot wait to get behind the camera taking photos of pretty models... lol
I may do some cooking this afternoon and see if i can get some meals ready here..
Wednesday, June 1
Learn
Decided to play dot to dot last night with the ambulance guys, another morning of waking up covered in heart monitor stickies.. they asked me to leave them on overnight in case i needed any more call outs.. I hate this.
Im torn between the devil and the deep blue sea. My fella said as soon as i started to feel unwell i have to let him know, the packing took me all afternoon, i was really tired by the end of it and really grouchy, one of the parcels wasnt paid by paypal and a couple of important letters were in with my book so i couldnt send the kids with the parcels as normal, there were too many for them to carry, so my fella said we would go together, i just wanted to sit down by then, and couldnt.. As soon as we returned and pulled up in the drive i started to feel unwell, the blood just drained from my arms and head again like emptying a swimming pool quickly, I just sat there shuddering with cold.. I came in layed on the sofa and hoped it would go away, all the way through my fella kept asking me should he call an ambulance, he was really not helping me relax, he wants them to be here when i get these so we get ecg readings, but i dont know if its gonna be a full blown one or like last nights milder form without the chest pain.. you get about 10 seconds of that pain starting and and being unciousous thats all.. its so hard for him i know, but i have to keep calm not panic, I really dont know if its gonna escalate or not til it happens.. Thankfully last nights episode did leave.. The ambulance crew were bloody brilliant and sat here with me til he finished his shift, they wanted to take me in but said the same things likely to happen again, ill be sent home until i see this specialist on monday. The ambulance crew are better than the hospital guys by far.. I got upset which i dont normally do with these but they really helped to calm me down and reassure that he was here with me whatever .. He also showed my fella not to panic or stress me out by keep asking me whats happening... That could indeed make these worse and escalate them .. I keep asking him to just sit with me and hold my hand, im trying to stay calm and find a nice place in my head, if you sit there waiting and reporting back every second of what it feels like, surely thats concentrating on the wrong parts... Im sitting in my woods surrounded by blue bells in my head, feeling the breeze on my face.......... and thats how i need to think..
Im torn between the devil and the deep blue sea. My fella said as soon as i started to feel unwell i have to let him know, the packing took me all afternoon, i was really tired by the end of it and really grouchy, one of the parcels wasnt paid by paypal and a couple of important letters were in with my book so i couldnt send the kids with the parcels as normal, there were too many for them to carry, so my fella said we would go together, i just wanted to sit down by then, and couldnt.. As soon as we returned and pulled up in the drive i started to feel unwell, the blood just drained from my arms and head again like emptying a swimming pool quickly, I just sat there shuddering with cold.. I came in layed on the sofa and hoped it would go away, all the way through my fella kept asking me should he call an ambulance, he was really not helping me relax, he wants them to be here when i get these so we get ecg readings, but i dont know if its gonna be a full blown one or like last nights milder form without the chest pain.. you get about 10 seconds of that pain starting and and being unciousous thats all.. its so hard for him i know, but i have to keep calm not panic, I really dont know if its gonna escalate or not til it happens.. Thankfully last nights episode did leave.. The ambulance crew were bloody brilliant and sat here with me til he finished his shift, they wanted to take me in but said the same things likely to happen again, ill be sent home until i see this specialist on monday. The ambulance crew are better than the hospital guys by far.. I got upset which i dont normally do with these but they really helped to calm me down and reassure that he was here with me whatever .. He also showed my fella not to panic or stress me out by keep asking me whats happening... That could indeed make these worse and escalate them .. I keep asking him to just sit with me and hold my hand, im trying to stay calm and find a nice place in my head, if you sit there waiting and reporting back every second of what it feels like, surely thats concentrating on the wrong parts... Im sitting in my woods surrounded by blue bells in my head, feeling the breeze on my face.......... and thats how i need to think..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
