Changing of the Seasons

Things have changed here, yet again! Its all good, but taking some getting used to.
My fella got offered a proper job! yes, honestly. This is a position he's wanted to have a go at since he was in the industrial game. He's now a contracts manager! and i'm back to where I was 10 years ago and running this place single handed again..lol I actually feel energised! Its all a bit different to computer work for him but he's loving the challenge. Computer work is all ok but what they don't tell you is you get stuck sitting on your arse all day and it drains the life out of you. He wanted a new challenge and to get fit again, so to work higher up the chain in an environment he knows like the back of his hand was too good to turn down. He just met someone who needed someone like him at the right time and place and its all gone from there.
The kids are older (still mad as hatters) but lovely and with Ryan now in a full time electrical apprentice placement, its all working out well for him.
We have decided to change sleeping arrangements now (as he has a steady girlfriend) so instead of him staying out every weekend at hers, we are creating enough space for her to stay here. It doesn't seem right he's 18 now, but with the triplets nearly 16 now i'm wise enough to know Kaytee wont get any peace with Brandon hovering around, so i'm changing rooms and moving Ryan into my old stock room so he has some privacy, the boys then get their own bedrooms so it will cut out the arguments at bedtimes hopefully too and stop my pictures from falling off the walls when Callum kicks his bed!
My fellas working away at the moment Mon-Fri. So i'm trying to catch up on all the little jobs i've neglected here. There's a list as long as my arm to get through and i've ended up on Skype all morning talking to my uncle (giving him a shopping list for Asda) so I need to get on with it.
Im on a mission this week to move all my stock over to another place, so at least it will help get me fit. I've just got to move out my fellas winery first and put that in his new shed.
I've been engrossed in books this month. I started by reading a book called 'Outlander' by Diana Gabaldon and im hooked.. 6 books in and i'm loving the characters. I now wish I lived in the 1740s and there was such a thing as travelling stones! Places like Stonehenge that magically transported you back into times where there was no internet and oversold crap, where they lived with the land and not just took from it like society does now.
Did I mention my daughter wants to be a farmer! yes really, I wonder where she gets that from....lol
Anyway onwards and upwards today.. I've been up since 3am (making hubbies packed lunch and breakfast) so I better get up before I doze off.. Kids will be home soon!

Feeling Peaceful

It was a really good weekend, sunshine, the forest, followed by the beach. How lovely is this weather?
We both took the weekend off and spent some quality time as a family at Sherringham Park and then the beach. We walked aprox 10 miles this week, which felt great, the kids were great company and really enjoyed the day. We ended up getting lost (which I actually enjoyed) as we took and old steam train back, which didn't actually go to where we thought, so ended up in the middle of another forest cracking up laughing as it was, by that point dark.

My fellas been in a romantic mood all week which has made me smile.. It must be the heat!
Unfortunately his work has gone mad so he's juggling as usual, but as long as he takes time off we wont miss the summer. It's partly why I did the garden differently, at least when its all lit up at night, its too pretty to ignore, so we spend hours out there talking. Its a lovely way to end a day.
We have lots of plans and things on the go, its exciting to wake up again and wonder what's going to happen today.
This weekend we are throwing a BBQ. We have a night out on Friday with my family, which i'm looking forward to, but Saturday its Aylsham car boot followed by sangria and good food. Now I have a garden we can actually sit down and enjoy it in. I love Saturdays!
The plants are maturing and its starting to look really colourful now. I didn't mention the lights id got, so no one knew the place would glow at night, until it did. I cant wait to show my granddad! He's like me and loves lights.
I'm still not sure whether I want fish in the pond yet, ive planted wild watercress hanging from a bucket, that the water runs through and have some amazing plants to put inside for wildlife growing strong and to be honest, its enough...  I just wanted peaceful.. and sitting there watching the butterflies and birds, listening to the water, brings me that.  I'm a flip flop girl at heart and always will be.
I finally got to pick some of the cherries off my tree, which was brilliant. I only take half, so the birds enjoy them too, but so far its given me 6lbs and its still going strong. I'm going to soak them in brandy then half coat them in chocolate. I tried them once at chant and never forgot them...
This year feels all about family.. My family are coming together strong and even my fellas is now too, we have both his sisters close now and it feels lovely to see them so often. Things change and so do people, and sometimes time changes people for the best.
This afternoon i'm going to Anglia square as usual with my grim reaper uncle! He's really not, that's just what my mum calls him. He has me in hysterics when he starts teasing my mum, he times her, to see how long we are there, before she starts moaning... so far the record is 6 mins... lol
I realise how chilled out my house is and appreciate that although we have 6 adults living here, we are a really peaceful house regardless. I couldn't see it before! but I can now. I always wondered why people came here? and thought they were just nuts! but after talking to them and asking why, you start to see through others eyes and realise just how special this place is...
Every day is: Just what you make it. And we are rich in a way, that money could never buy.
I think at last we have found our balance...

Sex saved a life

Things always come together, don't they say? Well this week they have!
My little sister was rushed to hospital Saturday night by ambulance, she had terrible pain in her stomach and couldn't stand. She blamed herself, as she has now found a lovely fella and their relationship moved up a level to a sexual nature, this she thought was what caused the pain, that she shouldn't have had sex.
 After endless blood tests and drips they discovered she had contracted a super bug at the hospital when she had her hysterectomy done 6 months ago, she had cancer cells that were spreading badly so they took it all away, the infection has been living in her wound since and growing and when she then had sex for the first time since the op, showed up what was happening inside.
The superbug had spread to her organs, the Drs said that if she hadn't had sex she would have died of blood poisoning, as it was everywhere inside her and no one knew!  because this chap was 'forgive my pun' built like a king dong! he may have actually saved her life.
Its been a close call, she's now been in hospital over a week with my mum trying to look after her 3 kids and endless animals, we are all taking it in turns to help, but are so relieved to see her looking so much better in herself last night, they have found the right antibiotic to kill the infection finally, so hopefully now she will make a full recovery.
Her poor fella doesn't know where to look! he's getting endless jibes about sleeping with his girlfriend for the first time and putting her in hospital from his brother! but he's there everyday with her and supporting her through this which shows how keen he is.
What basically happened was because she was so poorly inside, having sex perforated a layer of skin that had been holding it all inside her body. I'm glad she decided to have a 'fifty shades' night of rampant lust or I wouldn't have my sister with me anymore.
On the amusing side I cant wait for her to get well, so I can invite the poor chap round for a BBQ! I have some giant hot dog sausages all ready with some tiny little rolls to stuff them into...lol

Proud

Where did Monday go? I missed it!
Things are finally getting sorted out for my fellas sister, the kids start school today, which I'm sure will help them get some normality in their lives. The smallest is adamant he's not going to school, so I expect there may be a few tantrums this morning.. Bless, He wants to come back here as he likes our cooking better than mums.
Next week is my grandparents 70th wedding anniversary! I thought id done well at 20 years with Steve but when I see my grandparents together it really does bring a tear to the eye, they are just made for each other and still very much in love. Granddad was telling me last week when we invited them up for a meal about his erection problems ;) yes literally. He says he gets tremendous cramps in his big toes so sits there all night with what looks like 2 great erections! I nearly choked on my potatoes and couldn't stop giggling all afternoon. My eldest sister went on holiday last year with them and says one night when she took granddad back to his hotel room (rather worse for wear) that he hadn't got into the door when he started. "You are in for a good night tonight Gladys" my sister couldn't shut the door fast enough... lol
Nanny has just gotten over skin cancer at 90 and had an operation on her face last week. She wasn't worried about the operation, just concerned she couldn't have her hair done so its nice for granddad.
I forgot to mention in my last blog about one of my dogs 'Frankie' its a little scruffy thing I named after my best friend when he was alive. She was on a diet with her brother dog 'Dexter' here but got very ill. She lost over half her body weight in 2 weeks and then stopped eating completely! The vets didn't know what to do as she couldn't stand up so suggested I put her to sleep. She is 10 years old.
I took her home that weekend as they couldn't just keep her on a drip to feed her and said that if she hadn't eaten by Monday I would do what was best for her, I couldn't see her suffering like that.
On the Saturday night my tough old fella- who apparently doesn't like kids or dogs, sat feeding her creamed rice on a teaspoon! and she ate it! we then spent £1,500 trying to find out why she was so ill and discovered she had diabetes. 3 weeks after being diagnosed she lost her sight completely, within a week!  We took her out for her usual run in the woods, for her to crash head long into a huge tree!She simply couldn't see it, we both just stood there horrified.
The vets showed us other dogs that coped just fine being blind so we have just adjusted things here to help her. You wouldn't believe its the same dog, she is brilliant! I get up at 6am every morning to feed her and give her insulin and then again every evening, but for a dog that was on deaths door she is inspiring and also very happy. She still goes into the woods every day, just stays on a long length lead that I try and steer for her. Her sense of smell seems to have heightened and she simply smells her way around the house and garden now. I'm glad we didn't give up on her, she is harder work than our other dog, but is definitely worth it.
Sunday was a really good day, my eldest son Ryan was presented with a huge honour 'The Queens badge'
They held a big service and unfortunately we had to sing! with me in hysterics laughing at my fella trying to hit high notes! he's as bad as me! but overall I came out feeling the proudest mum in Britain as all us mums feel with our children. He's 18 now and has spent 12 years working in the community and helping others to get this award, he spent a month down my nanny and granddads community area, along with so many other places, serving up dinners in his spare time and taking 30 elderly people shopping every week! he's one of the most caring, calm and happy people I know, I'm really fortunate to have such lovely kids.
The other boys are 2 years behind him and are now working towards theirs. We will be the 1st family ever to have all the brothers get this award so its something good for the other 2 to aim at now. It also does them good to help others and help their planet and not sit on street corners smoking like most do around here.

Weekends

Well we got through the week somehow! To say it was manic is an understatement.
Things didn't go according to plan as my fella came back with the kids and his sister, he said he felt it was better for her to cut all ties back there. So we have spent the week sleeping on the sofa so they could have our bed. Some things have alarmed me, but we're doing everything we can to help the kids.
They have now all been placed into temporary housing together, its clean and just up the road from us so we can help. Hopefully then after a period of time they will find them permanent housing.
The week was pretty stressful and I was knackered by the lack of sleep and his sisters constant loud voice..lol We don't live like that here, we may have a busy house, but its also calm, she needs to learn a thing or two from her brother. Even my kids hid up!
We didn't get any work done all week, so this week we have lots to catch up on. As well as sort out a school for the kids and doctors etc.

Guests Coming to Stay

Its been a very long night. I've been tossing and turning most of the night worrying.
My fella got a call yesterday from his sister, who lives away. We haven't heard from her for a while so hoped everything was ok, the last we did hear was she was getting married at Xmas out of the blue, she never even mentioned she had a fella!
What has taken place was a spiral of hitting rock bottom, the new husband was a heavy drinker, abusive and lazy, instead of him raising to her standards and cleaning himself up, she sunk to his level and started what now uncovers to end up drinking daily with him and neglecting everything else.
Her two elder kids are old enough to go their own way, but the two little ones (6 and 10) is what's been concerning me, they are really sweet little kids and deserve some stability and security, its not their fault. As from last week they have been homeless, her landlord evicted them so its been garages and friends sofas for a week. Yesterday she woke up and phoned for help, the social services want to take the kids into care until she can get another place to live. She's stayed in the same job for 11 years so has a good job there, what she doesn't have is enough for a deposit and a months rent up front.
We have offered to take the 2 small ones here until she can sort herself out housing wise and get a home ready for these kids, they must have had such a shit time of things recently. I can get them into a local school while they are staying and although we are already squashed with 4 teenagers we are going to make room somehow... It looks like me and Steve will be getting the couch.
My family are all saying I cant take them as I have enough on my plate now, but as long as my lot all help me here with them we will manage just fine. Its better they are with family who love them even if it is a big one, than be taken into care in my eyes.
The kids are really excited they are 'going on holiday to aunties' and arrive today! meanwhile I need to buy some sleeping bags for me and Steve..
You really do have to be mad to live here...lol

Where do i start?

Its June 1st. So I thought it was time I started to write again.
Life has gone on regardless and I'm still kicking, although still non the wiser to what kept stopping my heart. My dongle is still in my chest and no plans to take it out yet. People stare of course, but its just part of me now and it doesn't bother me anymore. I think the most changes that took place was the confidence we both lost. It creeps in slowly that you stop doing things, without realising, but its time now to restart our journey of life again and not let the bumps and bruises win. One things clear in our life and that is 'we are both fighters' Summers coming and so we are preparing for one that we can take time to enjoy this year...
The house has seen so many changes, the kids are growing up fast, and whoever said girls are harder to raise than boys was being honest. My daughter is so much like I was at her age - god help us.
My eldest lad is now 18 and makes me so proud, he's turning out to be a lovely man with what seems the best of us both here.. He has my patience and happy attitude to life and my partners work ethic. The other 3 are at that hard age where you have to try and guide them into a mind set of mum and dad cannot do it all for you forever, so get off your butts and prepare!. Brandon although he has learning difficulties is always up at 6 with me and is the least laziest of the 3..

Things you want in life seem to change as you get older. My fella used to want money and a nice big house and all the trimmings, but doesn't anymore. He just wants time now.. time to walk, explore and just have time to do the things we want to do. My philosophy was always " be happy with what you have, anything else that comes along then is a bonus". He can see where I come from now :)

He has after 20 years agreed that I can have a pond! silly I know, but I find fish and running water peaceful, so I'm turning my once overgrown bamboo garden (which has now been recycled into canes for the allotment growers to share) into somewhere I can potter about in and plant, thanks to 30 old sleepers that have travelled from Norway and lots of hard work. These were sleepers that weren't any good anymore as they are all warped and bent! its amazing to think: one mans rubbish will be one girls dream garden. Nothings not any good, its called imagination and thankfully I still have that!

Its not going to be an ordinary pond, I don't like things that look like everyone else has, this is being created so me and my fella can sit out there with a glass of wine and just relax. The bases are all in so today i'm going to Aylsham car boot sale to pick up some old bits to help add some character.

See the Light

Ive come to a conclusion early this morning i want to do some painting.. pretty random even for my standards, I was going to decorate the kitchen, but I'm being pulled more into need to draw and paint direction with people.. I used to love doing portraits when i was younger.

The last 6 weeks have been much better, Ive had no more problems health wise, except for the fact i don't like how i feel at the moment.. Sluggish. That I'm going to start working on today and try to slowly build myself back up again strength wise. I haven't been riding for 2 months and miss it greatly, its the same with salsa, a couple of lessons where my fella took me gingerly. I'm feeling pretty well now so want to reignite a few sparks my health put a damper on.. My things i couldn't do anymore but want to start again..

I'm beginning to believe my fellas theory of stopping smoking could have done this to me.. I did smoke pretty heavy, I'll admit that now, the shock of not smoking could have indeed caused whats happened.. I don't regret it though, I'm glad i stopped. I feel so much better in other ways.
I brought my fella a home brew kit, when he was shut indoors looking after me and positive things have come from this spell in our lives.. One being hes bloody good at making wine now! I've become a dab hand at jams, bread and cooking in general but using only what i grow in my garden to cook with.. Its a challenge and brings such a feel good factor when you get to eat and drink what you've created.....

I never have been a wine drinker which is a shame as there's nothing my fella likes better than cooking a lovely meal and sharing a bottle, so I'm now in training to learn to appreciate its taste and share a bottle over dinner.. after all hes made it so its the least i can do.. We gave my sister a bottle yesterday as she turned up with a beautiful set of copper frying pans for me to swap for jam! they have been hanging in her kitchen unused for years so she brought then to what she called a good home! She phoned up last night pretty late with my mum telling me my fella has hidden talents.. as his wine was bloody amazing stuff..lol

Ive got this huge urge to create stuff, read, paint and go canoeing so the next month along with riding and salsa I'm hoping to do just that.

The dongle (that's what i call it) that's implanted into my chest, reminds me every morning that you really do need to make the most of every day you get. I was guilty of taking things for granted as much as the next man and thankfully have seen the light..

I've even managed to talk my fella into hiring a canoe with me and seeing how many ducks we can scare the crap out of.....

My mum is trying to rebuild her life and I'm the first person up, telling her she needs to do this, watching her get knocked back again yesterday reminds me just how selfish some people can be, but its not about those people... its all about us and what good things we can do with our time here.. Its called making the most of it and not taking anything for granted..

For me today starts with positive thoughts and a belief that things are and will, now change for the better..

Going for a walk

Yesterday was a really good day. Not as good as it could have been as Ryan didnt go, I couldnt get him and his girlfriend in the car so next year im hiring a mini bus and taking tents.
We wanted to camp but only the stall holders are allowed so im having a stall next year selling bags and belts, that way we can stay over and make a weekend of it. Paul and Kate are up for camping too. I've just gotta do this, the urge is getting worse to just grab a tent and go now..
The more i look at these festivals the more i like the thought of going to them all.. so thanks to Saturday i think im gonna have a look round and see how many more are going on.. That i can take a tent to !!
Im thinking of going hiking soon with my fella to either Ireland Scotland and the Lake District.. Everytime i see an advert on the TV for them seeing those hills and all that greenery, feels like its calling out to me at the moment.. I want to feel the wind in my hair and walk for England.... Literally, we can just stop off at b & bs along the way when we need a shower and end up where we end up... In the lake sounds appealing too.. Those places look amazing.. saturday there was a group there who played Irish folk music, i didnt know at the time but 2 were Laurens school teachers! They were bloody brilliant, I couldnt help my feet it just made you feel so happy, Happy music.. So ive asked her today so go get me his CD.. I could just see myself joining them with a violin playing away......hehe What a great thing to do..
Yesterday i spent the day cooking.. It didn't start out like that, but the kids and my fella kept going on about bread, so i ended up being slung off my computer and spending the day cooking, they were eating it faster than i could cook! The bread ive been told is the best yet! Not that i can eat the bugger..lol
Im now going to tackle the packing as the orders are printing out as i type, and im grabbing the poor dogs again for an hour and going for another walk..... They will think ive lost the plot with all these walks..

Bookworm

I took an unexpected day off yesterday and really enjoyed it! I did the packing early and made the mistake of reading an intro to a book someone had sent me the link to online......... That was it, for the day..
I was ribbed constantly by my fella as i wasn't working and do you know what? I really didn't give a hoot, it was worth it, so i ignored everyone and read the whole book! I haven't done that for years.. I used to love reading but ended up not having enough time so stopped ...........My fellas face was a picture, he just couldn't help himself and kept calling me lazy, hoping I'd bite and stop reading it.......Nope.. Yesterday i was lazy, i did what i wanted for a change, not what everyone else wanted me to do........All 103 chapters of it...hehe...
Today its the Barford festival.... I'm so looking forward to this.......
I feel strangely refreshed this morning............ Watch out world!

Positive

It was so lovely and hot last night, It felt like i was on a holiday!
The last couple of days im getting more back to normal here, it feels good. The garden is looking my kind of lovely, 3 days on the trot ive come up with a great meal from its offerings.
My fella left early with the kids so ive got the day to myself. I really hope this meeting goes well for him, its a national company and would set him off on a bloody good footing. Its important.
After saying that mum now phoned to see if i wanted some company today, she couldnt have timed it better, id love some....... I have bought paints to redo the table and furnishings in the kitchen..
I need to get past this week healthily.. Its the 5th week since the last fit which is usually the week it starts again.. Fingers crossed it doesn't happen this time around. Im feeling good and want to stay that way.....
I cant wait til it rains today.. Im wearing my shorts and intend standing outside in it later.. When you feel a need to do something then you should.. So mums gonna get a giggle today.

Sunrise

Headaches finally cleared this morning.. Thank god. I thought i was gonna miss the sunshine!
By the way where is it?
Muggins here went out watering the plants last night with one eye closed and all.... They are probably all drowned this morning out there.
The dressings are finally off properly this morning, thanks to a long bath, I can see what im dealing with now, its not too bad, just a bit lumpy. Its not hurting to move at all anymore so i must be getting used to it.. My fella had a look and said it was fine, then reminded me its gotta be cut open again to come back out! Thanks for that! Talk about cheering me up.. I have a secret recipe for scars and quick healing which i know works so will be using that now.. It doesn't hide up the fact you can see the device really clearly inside my chest, but its there to help til they know whats happening with me.... Hopefully nothing more.... I was pretty down, id stopped smoking on top of that and stranger things can happen.... It was def a low point of my life..
Its wine making day here, i cleaned the garden ready and my fellas promised he will move all the bottles from outside on the decking.. Its a mess.. hes turning his shed into a brewery today instead which will be amusing.. that means dads in the shed pissed when he disappears then!
The house is so quiet today, just Brandon and Callum in bed asleep.. Ryan's probably got the biggest smile on the planet this morning waking up on holiday with his bird.....
I'm gonna attempt a few sit ups this morning and am gonna drive myself down the tanning center.. I'm fed up with feeling and looking a mess so need to do something about it now i can move properly..
Its my fellas birthday on the 30th so i need to try and find something nice... I think at the moment all he wants is a good piss up and night away from here so I'm gonna have a look and see what i can come up with.. hes pretty low in himself as hes fat (they are his words not mine) it doesn't make any difference to me as hes still the same inside, but he doesn't see it like that.. Ive got a fucking square box shoved down my cleavage so i don't exactly feel very sexy either........ at least it wont poke into him with a bit of extra meat on him............lol
The BBQ is gonna get cleaned today and subtly I'm gonna just keep cooking chicken and salad for the next month for tea..........
Hes going back to work properly next week with Paul.. Its no good staying here just in case. Hes been doing alternate days up the office but needs to go back now.. I agree with him......

Sunsets

I feel so optimistic today, some days when you wake up, you just feel happy. Todays one of those days..
The suns shining, the birds are singing their heads off and it feels good.
Ive been out in the garden with my tea to see whats changing out there and smiling secretly to myself when i see new life peeking through.
Tonight i was hoping to go to the beach, but plans have been changed, my fella, my eldest son and his girlfriend all want to go to salsa so are taking the car.. he wasnt happy about me driving myself up waxham beach alone in case any thing happens to me when im there...
The last time i went to chant i came home so calm and happy inside, it does really make a difference. I got lost of course trying to find roses place but my fella ended up being a taxi which meant i could also have a drink.. I was lost in the chant that night, i felt like i was floating.. It was magical... So i'll wish my friends a warm summer solstice and hope mother nature brings them an amazing sunset to add to their evening.....xxx

We have started the changes to the site, which have been amusing, ive been changing pictures like a looney to load in bigger sizes but love whats happening to it so far.. Im also working on the other shop as thats next..
Im very reluctant to do photos anymore but my fellas telling me to try them, The fact that il have to sit and clone over a lump doesn't make it appealing but its like my fella says, its not in there for ever...This is only temporary........
Tomorrow im going with David for a couple of days to his sisters place to get it ready for her, my eldest has been there all week helping and cannot see what me sitting indoors is gonna do to help, as long as someones there who knows what to do its all you can do, so my fella said yes and is putting all his meetings into the next 2 days so he can do what he needs to while im away during the day. I can't wait to see what the decorators have done up there, tomorrow im taking some pictures of that quaint kitchen of hers to get some ideas for mine as its time i redecorated... Its to die for with that beautiful little range oven... Hopefully i wont though, or i'll be in the doghouse with my lot..........lol
Right back to work now.. I want to get this fnished today..its coming on a treat..

Fathers day

Fathers day has been amusing in our house today.. My fella got up at 6 to wake the boys for their paper rounds, thats usually my job so it made me laugh that the one day he should have a lie, in he gets up!
Hes really into this home brew lark now so i bought him something extra from us all for putting up with us for another year, a 30 bottle set Shiraz/Merlot red wine kit.. With the 5 demi johns he has outside filled with ginger beer and the rest of it, it should allow a few amusing slurry nights.. Im getting right into my home baking now thanks to river cottage and am getting good at it according to this lot, so ill be in the kitchen doing the food, he can make the booze.. Perfect for nights round the firepit with friends........ Although im not sure the neighbours will agree...
We are trying salsa starting on Tuesday, i can't wait to start getting out again.. Im just gonna have to be careful who i dance with..or stick to bachata..
Im asking Dayle to come up and sort my hair out this week, I had the longest bath and hair wash yesterday which made me feel so much better..But it needs cutting badly now.
I want to go see Bob at the hospital today, he did bring me up and is my dad in every sense of the word where it counts. hes managing to say yes and no now, which is good and although hes still paralysed he is making a slow progress.. Hes managed to keep breathing through 3 strokes up there and a brain hemorrhage so is an inspiration to us all.. Even when you feel theres no hope, you need to keep trying....
The kids bought Steve a bloody stupid drinking hard hat! which hes promised to wear today, he can drink away while he makes some wine........ Its time i started to drink it with him now, even the drs said red wines good for you... otherwise he will be blot toed with all that lot to drink.. My garden is home to a brewery and Mediterranean salad garden which looks and smells lovely... Im like a child out there every morning seeing what i can put with dinner growing....
Ive been doing my own olive oils here with chilli and garlic and all sorts of herbs, the difference it adds to the cooking is briliant.. Ive got orders for the next batch and shit loads of jam orders waiting... I knew i liked growing things and cooking but i didnt realise just how much everyone else likes me doing this.
Its not been nice being shut indoors all the time, but i guess thats the positive i can take with me on this, ive experimented and really found something i like doing, growing stuff and then creating gorgeous meals to use it up with, its that feel good feeling you get seeing everyones faces when they munch away happily, knowing you made it from nothing..... Ive got a greenhouse full of nearly ready cucumbers which bring a smile to my face every morning when i see how big they are getting...........how sad is that! lol

After The Rain

How good is it to see some rain out there, everyone moans but the garden needs it badly, the farmers are depending on this coming. Laying there last night i couldn't sleep, so i just layed there listening to the rain, it was lovely.
I wanted so much to go to the party last night but my fella said no.. He knows its hurting even when i do try to hide it, its bruising from inside out everytime i move, it is gonna take time to adjust to this, im telling my body to accept it but its a pretty big lump for it to ignore, sleeping im fiding most difficult as it burns like mad everytime i turn over, so i was thankful to the rain last night for keeping me company and allowing me some time to think...
Im positive they will sort out my problem, so need to stay focussed now..
Mareks working on my site either this week, ive given him a list of what i want changed and cannot wait to see the look of it, its so dated now, so time that changed.. Everything changes.............
Some changes are not always for the best i accept that, but ive got to now only worry about the things i can change ... Not the things i cannot....
The last couple of months although have knocked me back, have also helped me find that voice i couldnt seem to find when i needed... Things i cannot change i will walk away from, and not loose sleep over. I spent so much time worrying about things i could never do anything about, for what? learning to just worry about just those things i can change... makes sense...
Ill accept whatever comes in the other format and move on..
I did paint my nails last night, for the first time in ages, id been putting it off in case i was rushed back to hospital ( they cant read through polish on the machine) so i simply stopped painting.. just in case.. its madness! Fuck that! Im not living like that anymore......Whatever is meant to happen, will......
I can change today and enjoy every moment of what it brings.. so thats what im doing, even if it means ive been stuck in for a while, ive learnt new things while im in here..which will make this summer an even better experience..
That old rain certainly helped wash some haze away up there last night.. I feel im back on track mentally and want to get myself well, so physically i can do what i want to do again...... Theres so much out there i intend to do yet...
Everything does always look better after the rain, all bright and glistening , filled with fresh hope and wonder.. Or is it my eyes are just seeing clearer for the good old downpour...
Perhaps thats what we all need sometimes, a night of listening to mother natures soothing sounds , washing away old thoughts and feelings, so we can look forward again to see the world for what it could be..... rather than what has been.......

Limited

Yesterday was a good day. My fella had shit loads to do he worked all day and all night bless.. he must be knackered today.. Hes got 4 important meetings today so im spending the day alone. Im nervous but have to do this.. for his sake as well as my own...
I used to love my days on my own, i could work paint and do all those bits i enjoy doing,I got over the first lot of problems and went back to life as normal, but i must admit the last lot has left me nervous to do that yet.
I was hoping my mum would come up for an hour or so but no such luck.. shes out shopping looking for furniture for her new flat she hasnt got yet, everyones quick to say "let me know if you need anything", but when you do need someone theres never noone there... lol..
I should have known better for hoping.
This implant thingy isnt nice, the wound is healing nicely but its so fucking big in there it sticks into something inside everytime i move.. bending forward manages to hurt the most as it smacks into my collar bone, I hope this isnt how its gonna feel and hope its only til it heals properly.
I'd love to get back dancing and riding so i can feel more positive, sitting in this place is doing my head in... Im getting through editing today so it doesnt keep looking at me unfinished..but my hearts not in it today if im honest.. Its so lovely out there i keep thinking about the beach and going for a walk, but ive promised ill not do anything stupid..
I feel like ive been dragged through a hedge backwards, my hair is making me feel like shit, I need to sort myself out so i feel better but am not allowed a bath til tomorrow... its the first time in years ive not painted my nails and kept myself pruned and it does make you feel like crap.. I need to find that ' you'll soon sort yourself out girl mindframe.....and think positive
Im going to salsa tomorrow so my fella can get back dancing, its agua on friday and one of the best party nights going, which is gonna be a shit, how im supposed to sit there all night and not dance is beyond me.
It says you can go back to normal activities around 10 days after the op as soon as swelling goes down and stiches are clean..but as the drs said i needed more meat on me to cushion round the implant so im starting to believe that salsa as i know it, may not happen for a while yet..im seeing the dr again tomorrow so im gonna speak to him and see if theres anything i can do to help myself more..
Half of me wishes id have one of these siezures quickly so this thing can do its job and they can take it out, the other half hopes i never have to experience one again.... It could be a day or a year waiting like this so im gonna have to get used to it being in there.. it can stay in for 18 months so i need to shut up moaning.. its there to help and thats how i have to look on it..
Id love to just get in the car and go for a drive today....... i really miss those simple things.......
I get enough warning when these start that i can get myself on a floor or stop what im doing so im hoping the dr says i can get back to some kind of life again.. Its my fella ive felt sorry for, hes not ill and has to fucking sit here all the time.. I love my home but i dont love being shut in it !

Torn

Sometimes as much as i dont want to, i cant seem to help myself.. its been like that this morning..
Im just back from going with my fella to see the dr, this time its for him.
Since ive been ill hes not feeling so good in himself, i know its worrying about me and the fact hes trying to hold everything together here, i feel so reponsible for everything falliing to bits, im not myself at all at the moment.
I honestly think he would be better off away from here now.. one of us feeling like this is bad enough, two just isnt fair..
The kids are getting older, less dependant and i know if i was left alone id have to sort this out. At the moment im an emotional mess with a head full of questions i have no answers for today.
My chest is fucking sore, yesterday was such a drainer.. I thought they would cover me up a bit but instead i watched them do everything as its gone in my upper chest.. emotionally i wasnt prepared for how it made me feel inside and how scared i was on that table.. I counted everyone of those 30 stictches go in, hoping on each one that would be the last ...thinking to myself, whats gone in has to come out ......
The nurses kept asking why i was on my own, i was the only person in there who didnt take someone with them. but ive got to the point where i dont want anyone there to see that shit happen, it affects them just as much, its probably better if they do ignore this.. I dont want to make him ill and im simply not myself at the moment............

Ready

What a giggle today has been. Mandy and Deon have been up and we have been having such a giggle. I've had my pre op this morning and am cooking meals ready for this lot, my sisters taking me into hospital as my fellas working but he will be able to pick me up if they let me home..
My fellas sense of humour is on top form, even Mandy says she would have thumped him by now, but if thats what gets him through this, ill happily take the hype..... he looks a lot worse than i do at the moment, im concerned hes not taking this as well i hes making out.. Hes got a huge stye come up on his eye, and looks like hes got the worlds weight on his shoulders... Hopefully once this ops done tomorrow we can both have some time to ourselves again.. its not good to be together 24/7 like this... hes like a caged animal poor sod..
We have a party to go to this sat at our friends in sutton and im aiming to go although he doesnt think we are.. I know i cant dance or drink yet, but theres no reason my fella can't, After 10 days i will be able to go back to leading a more normal life again ... im going back to riding and salsa and making the most of every minute i can......
I had my heart scanned yesterday which was a relief.. (yes they did find one!)
Its as strong as hell and perfect according to the dr, theres no damage whatsoever with that.. This is an electrical problem by the looks of it, somethings telling the heart to stop..
Roll on tomorrow.. hopefully this will give everyone some answers and relief then once its in....

Calm

Yesterday went well, we were up the hospital nearly all afternoon but it was worth it, I had emailed this lady specialist a couple of weeks back and she insited i would be seeing her and not her understudy so i didnt mind waiting. She was worth the wait and really lovely. She wasnt amused the things she asked the hospital to do hadn't been carried out while i was in there previously and promised she will be working with me until im sorted out. I was given the date of the 12th July for this operation but she said it was too long to wait after the amounts of fits i have had now, she filled in forms and told me she wants it done this week, so i am to sit by the phone and wait for a call... Shes not messing about thats for sure. I havent got much faith in the NHS left after the last couple of months but she was really good and helped restore some.
The hospital now phoned and my operations at 12 this Thursday.. I have been told that my sister cannot come with me now as i may need a general anesthetic and not a local.. not going to know apparently til the surgeon looks at me and knows where hes putting this device in ? I hope its a local.. I want to be able to come home.. not good at staying in that place...
Its taken 6 weeks to see this specialist but shes been on the ball today and doing everything she said she would do..
I did half the dress photos at nannies this weekend so im gonna see if my fella will do the other half tomorrow afternoon now, i know he will moan and say no but.. these need to be done as the whole section needs sorting out and redoing, the ones we did i am really pleased with and dont want to do half a job, I can just sit then and sort out that section while i heal from Thursdays op without worrying i have stock there not photoed.. Im not sure whats going to happen once this is done, its a case of wait for the next seizure and then they will know what to do with me.. so i need to prepare if i cannot do photos anymore or need further surgery, i will have time then to get my model in.. ive already got one lined up ready, whos happy to take over..... I'll then be the photographer until Ryans ready, hes doing a photography course at college and cannot wait to get behind the camera taking photos of pretty models... lol
I may do some cooking this afternoon and see if i can get some meals ready here..

Learn

Decided to play dot to dot last night with the ambulance guys, another morning of waking up covered in heart monitor stickies.. they asked me to leave them on overnight in case i needed any more call outs.. I hate this.
Im torn between the devil and the deep blue sea. My fella said as soon as i started to feel unwell i have to let him know, the packing took me all afternoon, i was really tired by the end of it and really grouchy, one of the parcels wasnt paid by paypal and a couple of important letters were in with my book so i couldnt send the kids with the parcels as normal, there were too many for them to carry, so my fella said we would go together, i just wanted to sit down by then, and couldnt.. As soon as we returned and pulled up in the drive i started to feel unwell, the blood just drained from my arms and head again like emptying a swimming pool quickly, I just sat there shuddering with cold.. I came in layed on the sofa and hoped it would go away, all the way through my fella kept asking me should he call an ambulance, he was really not helping me relax, he wants them to be here when i get these so we get ecg readings, but i dont know if its gonna be a full blown one or like last nights milder form without the chest pain.. you get about 10 seconds of that pain starting and and being unciousous thats all.. its so hard for him i know, but i have to keep calm not panic, I really dont know if its gonna escalate or not til it happens.. Thankfully last nights episode did leave.. The ambulance crew were bloody brilliant and sat here with me til he finished his shift, they wanted to take me in but said the same things likely to happen again, ill be sent home until i see this specialist on monday. The ambulance crew are better than the hospital guys by far.. I got upset which i dont normally do with these but they really helped to calm me down and reassure that he was here with me whatever .. He also showed my fella not to panic or stress me out by keep asking me whats happening... That could indeed make these worse and escalate them .. I keep asking him to just sit with me and hold my hand, im trying to stay calm and find a nice place in my head, if you sit there waiting and reporting back every second of what it feels like, surely thats concentrating on the wrong parts... Im sitting in my woods surrounded by blue bells in my head, feeling the breeze on my face.......... and thats how i need to think..