Rabbit Caught in the Headlights

To say Ive been feeling a mess the last few days is an understatement...as much as i hate to admit it i was so out of my depth..

Im always up for having a go at things and like to live life as much as i can, but theres some parts of it that i don't understand or deal with so well. The law is one of them, i don't break it so never really had dealings with it...When i was with Geoff i had to call them out a lot but the ambulance usually followed suit and people were always there to help with that side of it, i didn't have to do anything really, just get away from him..

With the help of two of my friends over the last 2 days , Ive managed to wake up today feeling so much more positive in myself. I actually slept like a baby and feel like Ive got some energy today.

Because things were complicated and bad i wanted to hide under the duvet and hope it was all just a bad dream, sadly the nightmare was still there in daylight..

I was referred to yesterday as a frightened rabbit caught in the headlights (thank you.lol) but that's pretty accurate if I'm honest.. I was frightened and totally confused to what i should do, where to start or who i could talk to, the police matter Ive been trying to deal with has had me banging my head up against the wall, Ive shed more tears this week than i have in years.. but at least i can see clearer today..so that's a positive..

The good part is today i know where to go and who to talk to now. I have a list I'm working through to get our lives back on track here and in regards of my sons education I'm going to fight this all the way.. hopefully also regain some kind of inner peace for us both..

The basic story went as i described in my other blog, except the thug in question is pressing charges on my fella for assaulting him.. the stories changed so much over 4 days that i cant recognise most of it anymore, I'm sick of writing statements, very concerned statements that were made have disappeared and was scared that the policeman i was given was good friends with the thugs dad and was telling me all about him but wanted me to drop just about everything..................... its not a good situation to be in is it?

They are well known around here as a group that likes to rule the land and both have long histories of breaking just about every law going. the youngest is just 15 so of course he cant be locked up but the older body building brother should be and so should all the thugs that terrified me on Friday, why should i just leave it , they will do this to someone else........ they have already started !

Somehow through all this shit I'm hoping the law will prevail, but i had to deal with this officer first so i can now hopefully get some justice sorted out, the first lad was arrested last night but its not what i wanted to do, i had no choice as this family wants to make my family look like the guilty party.. its not right.

My sons education has been messed up beyond recognition now hes still off school for his own safely and yet the thug is back in class and already picking on another lad, my sons best friend.. what a little arsehole.. whatever are his parents like? Ive already seen the brother and hes bad enough.

Today i start that long list of trying to get this mess sorted out..

Ive wrote to the people above the school now as my sons 3 days at school have been cut to nothing... he shouldn't have been the one who had to move out of a class because he was being bullied surely! why? because this schools anti bullying policies and measures for the diploma are crap...

Anyone who reads this, if you have teenage kids and they are thinking of doing the diploma please look into it more deeply, the government have spent thousands pushing this as the new qualification to go for, my lad had to beat quite a few pupils and undertook 3 interviews to get on it, yet they stick all the kids, regardless of grades into an overspill class and that's where our problems started, they are forced to try and study with kids that don't give a shit about school who stabbed him in the head with compasses all through class, bricked my windows and threaten to stab him next, all in front of the so called teachers and its allowed...

These lads took work experience so they could get 2 days out of school and are proud to say that... Ive lost my respect for the so called head teacher who was too busy to attend an important meeting with me as he was playing squash in school hours? whats happened to Great Britain...

Not so great anymore is it...............

I had just finished signing a statement last night when i got a phone call from another lads mother in my sons class, she was crying her eyes out, her son had come home from school yesterday in tears, the same bullies are not doing exactly the same thing to him... so shes expecting what i got Tonight.... its not fair this should be stopped..

Anyway whatever the outcome, I'm not going to go away quietly anymore, I'm going to keep going, i have to... for my kids future.

Ive always told them to be good and that good wins over bad and I'm lucky that i do have 4 good kids whom i love more than life, but for the first time in a long while Ive got to deal with it alone..

My fellas not here to bail me out of help with this so Ive put my positive G string on today and am setting out to get this done..

Thanks to the help yesterday i don't feel so frightened today...

Grandfathers Clock

What a strange feeling ive woke up with today, ill try to explain but this one will have you all thinking..

Last night we were going to the Keir Hardy to salsa and meet our friends but my fella and me were engrossed in a conversation up the table so kinda lost track of the time, well thats when it happened. We have a clock hanging in our hall, not just any clock it was steves grandads clock, so very personal to him, inside we have a photo of his grandparents and i often talk to them as i polish it, call me superstitious, yes youd be right, but ive heard so many good stories about them and know how much they inspire my fella so its only right i tell them the day to day things hes doing as i potter about doing my daily chores.. the only thing is the pendulum has never swung, no matter what i do to it it always stops within seconds..me and sadra were trying to make it work again just last week, but failed dismally again, it swung for a few seconds then nothing, its kind of an omen in our house as once before a few years back it just decided to start swinging all by itself... (imagine the xfiles music now)

Well last night we got a phone call, which brought some exciting news, right in the middle of our conversation about the future, my fella was pacing the kitchen like a dog , which made me giggle as we were talking about the exact thing when our friend called, how strange is that?

Anyway he put the phone down told me what the news was and put the phone down happily, his words were I told you that big things are happening, they certainly are..

Just at that moment i said about his grandad and how proud he would be of him and guess what happened? yep!

The grandfather clocked started working, i looked up to see the pendulum swinging away in its full glory...

Some things i do believe are fate, we dont have answers to everything or reasons why..

All i can say is that walking into the oasis that night was meant to be, its brought so much to our lives in such a short space of time, and i think the clock was trying to tell us something...

Perhaps i will get my own horse one day afterall...........................

Brian Gunn Firewalk & Board Break Challenge

Last night was the night of the firewalk and board break challenge for Brian Gunn 'kids leukaemia fund'
To say i wasn't nervous would be lying, It was a mix of nerves , excitement and not knowing if i could really do this.. I wanted to as its been something Ive always wanted to try but when you are standing there in front of a cheering crowd the nerves do kick in...

We started the night 2 hours earlier than the spectators were asked to come, and were taken to a room in the forum where we all spent 2 hours being educated in the art of belief and self confidence, even then i could feel the nerves setting in..
My fella had asked me NOT to do the board break, he was only thinking about me, i broke my arm a couple of months back and its only just getting back to normal, so smacking an inch think bit of ply isn't really what it needed, so id promised him i would explain about my bones and avoid that one....lol Little did i know..
Part of the talk was about when your mind thinks of something, its because it wants to do it, we have the capabilities to do it, its usually because we worry we don't try, that i can speak from experience and understand fully....
The question was if your house was on fire and you knew there was a tenner on the table would you go in to get the tenner? no of course not..
Now ask the same question and instead of the tenner your son/daughter/husband/sister was in there...... would you then ? yes, whatever the risk you would do as you love and care about them ...
So if you have a dream or a wish theres no reason that you cant do something, its simply a matter of believing you can do it and not thinking anything else..

We spent time asking ourselves questions that i already knew the answers to, i have those feelings that i want to do more, its just sometimes i hold myself back with feelings that i cant..
Last night was the start of me digging that bit deeper now, when i know what i want to do i have to put my mind to it and simply go for it.......
Brian Gunn was at the seminar and was supporting us all throughout the talk , which meant alot as we were all there to raise money for his fund and help these poor kids and parents that leukaemia touches into their lives, we never know if its one of our family one day that this money will help.
After the lecture was over we were all so hyped up and positive, so much of what Tosin said is exactly what my fellas been saying from day one, he believes your mind controls everything so to hear someone else with that positive mind frame just set in stone what i already knew and hoped was right, we all get bad days and indeed bad luck, but its how we choose to deal with it that can make all the difference..

When we had finished the www.Tosinfirewalker.com motivation talk we were all asked to choose a board, i picked up mine and nervously thought of Steve, he was outside waiting and i wished he could have been in that room he would have known then i had no choice in this, i had to write on that board the one thing i wanted to take home from the firewalk, so i wrote down confidence... that's where i wanted to grow, that if i knew i could do something i would be confident enough to do it and not think of the million reasons why i shouldn't... I put it down to knock backs last year and the past shouldn't affect what could come tomorrow its a negative thing and one i want to get shot of..

Out we all marched into the night air you could smell the fire, we had lit that fire before we went in for the talk so it was burning brightly, the energy that talk gave us must have showed as we all marched out with huge smiles chanting away with our boards in hand.. which was the one part of the night that worried me.. I wanted to break that board and break that barrier i had with those words scribbled in Marker pen across it..

It came to my turn to do the board break and all i could think of was Steve's words, your arms not strong so i think i already knew it wasn't going to happen before the guy held it up..
I DID hit that board as hard as i could but it didn't break, so i went again and again, each time feeling more defeated, Tosin knew as he stopped me and told me to stand there for a couple of mins and compose, he was so kind bless and whispered it was because i didn't believe my arm was capable... he was right..

I stood there watching the others break their boards each time telling myself i really want to do this so when the next slot came i went back up, this time using my left arm .. im right handed usually but what Louise and Tosin said made sense , i saw my arm as not capable and didn't believe i could do it.. that's why i couldn't..
He counted me back in but this time i was determined , it wasn't like the first attempt i knew the board was beating me and had to break it.........

I have never felt that happy since bringing home the kids from the special care unit, i hurled myself at Tosin and gave him a huge hug, i didn't even feel the hit so i must have got it right ! that board came home with me and will be hung up somewhere now, so if i get back that feeling of doubt in myself i will just think back to last night and snap out of it..

Next came the part of the night we were all there to do, the firewalk !

My god was i excited..lol

Id already done one thing i didn't think was possible so this to me was the icing on the cake, to be able to say Ive walked across burning hot coals and didn't feel a thing is incredible..

I didn't look down instead chanted convincing myself it was 'cold moss' with every step and it wasn't til id done it i realised my feet never got hot ! my head and neck was but my feet were black from the coals but stone cold....lol

Im not going to analyse why or how, I'm just gonna take this feeling with me and remember how i felt when i accomplished this..

I didn't come home with burnt feet instead i came home with such a great feeling and belief in why i did the walk and what i gained from it..

Together with your sponsorship and support Ive managed to raise £307.00 for Brian Gunn's kids charity which together with the other walkers will add up to a great amount, and i walked away also so much richer, but in confidence and self belief for completing my challenge

Thank you all so much for backing me on this and helping to make that difference.

www.Tosinfirewalker.com

xxx

Life begins

lol.................. Oh my god ive reached the milestone.... im 40 at last ! lol

Its been a manic week, but ive really enjoyed it..

The week started as nuts as usual, i somehow managed to slot in all the stuff i had planned last week but by the end of last week i was pretty tired, things happened that i didnt expect, so it made me feel a bit down in myself, Friday for me was a hard one, im back to working by myself again, both running the home and office so im trying to kick my bum into gear and slowly get myself back into the swing of things. its so easy to turn lazy, i had forgotten how much i really had to do before, so after my reality check ive knuckled down am firing on all cylinders and really pushing myself..

I seem to constantly ache from riding, salsa and belly dancing lol its a joke here now, i dont seem to get any days off in between, but the soreness is changing into toned muscles (clean minds needed here) please..........lol

This week was my birthday (as if you hadnt of guessed) lol i had people try and arrange all sorts of things for me, and some wonderful offers, but i just wanted a quiet day (in my life its a rarety) I worked most of the day on my own, but got loads done, my friend came up in the afternoon with a card so it made for a really peaceful day (my fella was out all day so i could sing my head off) i did have a wish to ride a horse up a beach... its still on my list, but what i did do more than made me happy....... and it was pretty near to it.. I went out the night before and rode a big black horse half the night through the fields, no alcohol, no fuss, just me, a warm night, and plenty of birds singing while i rode along on a big beautiful horse, who didnt seem to mind me talking away and singing to him, it was a beautiful warm night and although simple to most people, mother nature and her gift really did make my birthday one to remember ..

Girls Night Out

I dropped my workload last night thankfully and went out with my best friend for a girly night, just the two of us..

We've been promising to do it for ages and every time she asks me to go up, either i cant get a sitter or I'm swamped under with work, so i promised myself next time she asked i would drop the work and just go, so last night i did, my fella has kindly now offered to sit for me whenever i want to go out as i do need time away and I'm the one who usually covers for him...

So out i go with no handbag again and all my pockets filled up with my essentials..lol and had a totally brilliant night..

We spent an evening at her local pub, i was a bit worried that i wouldn't fit in at first as they know everyone there, and i didn't, but i worried for nothing as the people were great with me..

I was going to drink coke and drive home, but made the mistake of having one vodka, which is lethal for me as i then want another lol (im worse with brandy as i love that stuff even more) so decided id spend my first night away from home at her house on my own.......... so it was a first for me..

I had a great time, the locals were making me giggle all night with stories and i even got shown photos on some guys phone that would make your jaw drop... its my boots you see, they have a strange impression on people..lol but altogether it was a great night..

I met another guy last night who prides himself on his manhood and wanted to swing it about a bit in my friends direction ...lol, but she dealt with him the same way i would have done and wonderfully put him back down to earth, along with half the pub that joined up to make him feel a lot shorter than the 8 inches he claims he had ready and waiting..hehe

We finished the night off with drinks in their jacuzzi at home, joined also by the lord (as he'd just finished work) and we sat there til the early hours chatting and relaxing, i really couldn't have wished for a better night or better company.......they make me feel so comfortable with them.......

It may have been my first over night stay on my own .....

but i hope now, it certainly wont be my last........

Thank you so much, I really love you guys ........ xxx

Give thanks

A special thank you to a special person ..... Sandra ............

I didn't know where to start yesterday as i had no gifts for any of my family ........

the kids are so excited about going to the woods and collecting holly Saturday, but i was feeling anxious inside .......

what do you do when you have no money to buy what the kids are asking Santa for ?

they haven't asked for much, but i was struggling to buy single gifts ........

then i got talking to a special kind of angel and she took a day off to take me on a tour of things Ive never been to see ........

i didn't know where we were going, she just asked me to cancel any plans and shed collect me at 9.30 am......... so on the bus we went on our journey ........

what a fantastic person she is and how lucky am i to have such a kind person in my life .....

we spent all day and most of the evening, just walking and talking, we walked for miles...........

just talking about past, present and future , and she changed my whole outlook completely...

we watched the skaters at the ice rink, and arm in arm strolled through the city as she was telling me things, that made me feel so much better as a person .........

I'm not money driven, far from it and its all got so commercialised now ...

and this year i have to install values in them about the real meaning of this special time of year .......

so i came home last night very tired but happy that we'd made some sense of it all ....

i cant give my kids what they see on the TV, but what i have done is something i think will show them how to compromise .......... and how much i care .......

they have a special gift to wrap.......... but its to be shared .....equally between them ....

I'm happy that Ive done my best and I'm sure they will be happy too ...

it seemed to inspire others too as i had a nephew visit me last night and he brought something for me, he told me to wrap it up from Santa as he no longer played with it ..............bless

yesterday was full of surprises ..... i did miss something i was really looking forward to and couldn't say why i wasn't going, as i didn't know myself what was taking place yesterday either...
all i knew this lady wouldn't ask me to miss something she knows i love unless there's good reason, and a good reason it was .........

she really is a true Christmas angel, her inside kindness shines through ...........

shes helped me so much over the years without thought for herself has spent a lifetime caring for others and gives you inspiration that there are some real diamonds shining out there ...

the kids are making gifts today, and I'm giving gifts that cannot be bought .......

so although its been a tough time, I'm feeling really positive thanks to a special kind star ....

we didn't spend anything except just a little precious time ...............

merry Christmas to you my friend ....................

you really are a kind spirit we all need at christmas .........