After The Rain

How good is it to see some rain out there, everyone moans but the garden needs it badly, the farmers are depending on this coming. Laying there last night i couldn't sleep, so i just layed there listening to the rain, it was lovely.
I wanted so much to go to the party last night but my fella said no.. He knows its hurting even when i do try to hide it, its bruising from inside out everytime i move, it is gonna take time to adjust to this, im telling my body to accept it but its a pretty big lump for it to ignore, sleeping im fiding most difficult as it burns like mad everytime i turn over, so i was thankful to the rain last night for keeping me company and allowing me some time to think...
Im positive they will sort out my problem, so need to stay focussed now..
Mareks working on my site either this week, ive given him a list of what i want changed and cannot wait to see the look of it, its so dated now, so time that changed.. Everything changes.............
Some changes are not always for the best i accept that, but ive got to now only worry about the things i can change ... Not the things i cannot....
The last couple of months although have knocked me back, have also helped me find that voice i couldnt seem to find when i needed... Things i cannot change i will walk away from, and not loose sleep over. I spent so much time worrying about things i could never do anything about, for what? learning to just worry about just those things i can change... makes sense...
Ill accept whatever comes in the other format and move on..
I did paint my nails last night, for the first time in ages, id been putting it off in case i was rushed back to hospital ( they cant read through polish on the machine) so i simply stopped painting.. just in case.. its madness! Fuck that! Im not living like that anymore......Whatever is meant to happen, will......
I can change today and enjoy every moment of what it brings.. so thats what im doing, even if it means ive been stuck in for a while, ive learnt new things while im in here..which will make this summer an even better experience..
That old rain certainly helped wash some haze away up there last night.. I feel im back on track mentally and want to get myself well, so physically i can do what i want to do again...... Theres so much out there i intend to do yet...
Everything does always look better after the rain, all bright and glistening , filled with fresh hope and wonder.. Or is it my eyes are just seeing clearer for the good old downpour...
Perhaps thats what we all need sometimes, a night of listening to mother natures soothing sounds , washing away old thoughts and feelings, so we can look forward again to see the world for what it could be..... rather than what has been.......

Limited

Yesterday was a good day. My fella had shit loads to do he worked all day and all night bless.. he must be knackered today.. Hes got 4 important meetings today so im spending the day alone. Im nervous but have to do this.. for his sake as well as my own...
I used to love my days on my own, i could work paint and do all those bits i enjoy doing,I got over the first lot of problems and went back to life as normal, but i must admit the last lot has left me nervous to do that yet.
I was hoping my mum would come up for an hour or so but no such luck.. shes out shopping looking for furniture for her new flat she hasnt got yet, everyones quick to say "let me know if you need anything", but when you do need someone theres never noone there... lol..
I should have known better for hoping.
This implant thingy isnt nice, the wound is healing nicely but its so fucking big in there it sticks into something inside everytime i move.. bending forward manages to hurt the most as it smacks into my collar bone, I hope this isnt how its gonna feel and hope its only til it heals properly.
I'd love to get back dancing and riding so i can feel more positive, sitting in this place is doing my head in... Im getting through editing today so it doesnt keep looking at me unfinished..but my hearts not in it today if im honest.. Its so lovely out there i keep thinking about the beach and going for a walk, but ive promised ill not do anything stupid..
I feel like ive been dragged through a hedge backwards, my hair is making me feel like shit, I need to sort myself out so i feel better but am not allowed a bath til tomorrow... its the first time in years ive not painted my nails and kept myself pruned and it does make you feel like crap.. I need to find that ' you'll soon sort yourself out girl mindframe.....and think positive
Im going to salsa tomorrow so my fella can get back dancing, its agua on friday and one of the best party nights going, which is gonna be a shit, how im supposed to sit there all night and not dance is beyond me.
It says you can go back to normal activities around 10 days after the op as soon as swelling goes down and stiches are clean..but as the drs said i needed more meat on me to cushion round the implant so im starting to believe that salsa as i know it, may not happen for a while yet..im seeing the dr again tomorrow so im gonna speak to him and see if theres anything i can do to help myself more..
Half of me wishes id have one of these siezures quickly so this thing can do its job and they can take it out, the other half hopes i never have to experience one again.... It could be a day or a year waiting like this so im gonna have to get used to it being in there.. it can stay in for 18 months so i need to shut up moaning.. its there to help and thats how i have to look on it..
Id love to just get in the car and go for a drive today....... i really miss those simple things.......
I get enough warning when these start that i can get myself on a floor or stop what im doing so im hoping the dr says i can get back to some kind of life again.. Its my fella ive felt sorry for, hes not ill and has to fucking sit here all the time.. I love my home but i dont love being shut in it !

Torn

Sometimes as much as i dont want to, i cant seem to help myself.. its been like that this morning..
Im just back from going with my fella to see the dr, this time its for him.
Since ive been ill hes not feeling so good in himself, i know its worrying about me and the fact hes trying to hold everything together here, i feel so reponsible for everything falliing to bits, im not myself at all at the moment.
I honestly think he would be better off away from here now.. one of us feeling like this is bad enough, two just isnt fair..
The kids are getting older, less dependant and i know if i was left alone id have to sort this out. At the moment im an emotional mess with a head full of questions i have no answers for today.
My chest is fucking sore, yesterday was such a drainer.. I thought they would cover me up a bit but instead i watched them do everything as its gone in my upper chest.. emotionally i wasnt prepared for how it made me feel inside and how scared i was on that table.. I counted everyone of those 30 stictches go in, hoping on each one that would be the last ...thinking to myself, whats gone in has to come out ......
The nurses kept asking why i was on my own, i was the only person in there who didnt take someone with them. but ive got to the point where i dont want anyone there to see that shit happen, it affects them just as much, its probably better if they do ignore this.. I dont want to make him ill and im simply not myself at the moment............

Ready

What a giggle today has been. Mandy and Deon have been up and we have been having such a giggle. I've had my pre op this morning and am cooking meals ready for this lot, my sisters taking me into hospital as my fellas working but he will be able to pick me up if they let me home..
My fellas sense of humour is on top form, even Mandy says she would have thumped him by now, but if thats what gets him through this, ill happily take the hype..... he looks a lot worse than i do at the moment, im concerned hes not taking this as well i hes making out.. Hes got a huge stye come up on his eye, and looks like hes got the worlds weight on his shoulders... Hopefully once this ops done tomorrow we can both have some time to ourselves again.. its not good to be together 24/7 like this... hes like a caged animal poor sod..
We have a party to go to this sat at our friends in sutton and im aiming to go although he doesnt think we are.. I know i cant dance or drink yet, but theres no reason my fella can't, After 10 days i will be able to go back to leading a more normal life again ... im going back to riding and salsa and making the most of every minute i can......
I had my heart scanned yesterday which was a relief.. (yes they did find one!)
Its as strong as hell and perfect according to the dr, theres no damage whatsoever with that.. This is an electrical problem by the looks of it, somethings telling the heart to stop..
Roll on tomorrow.. hopefully this will give everyone some answers and relief then once its in....

Calm

Yesterday went well, we were up the hospital nearly all afternoon but it was worth it, I had emailed this lady specialist a couple of weeks back and she insited i would be seeing her and not her understudy so i didnt mind waiting. She was worth the wait and really lovely. She wasnt amused the things she asked the hospital to do hadn't been carried out while i was in there previously and promised she will be working with me until im sorted out. I was given the date of the 12th July for this operation but she said it was too long to wait after the amounts of fits i have had now, she filled in forms and told me she wants it done this week, so i am to sit by the phone and wait for a call... Shes not messing about thats for sure. I havent got much faith in the NHS left after the last couple of months but she was really good and helped restore some.
The hospital now phoned and my operations at 12 this Thursday.. I have been told that my sister cannot come with me now as i may need a general anesthetic and not a local.. not going to know apparently til the surgeon looks at me and knows where hes putting this device in ? I hope its a local.. I want to be able to come home.. not good at staying in that place...
Its taken 6 weeks to see this specialist but shes been on the ball today and doing everything she said she would do..
I did half the dress photos at nannies this weekend so im gonna see if my fella will do the other half tomorrow afternoon now, i know he will moan and say no but.. these need to be done as the whole section needs sorting out and redoing, the ones we did i am really pleased with and dont want to do half a job, I can just sit then and sort out that section while i heal from Thursdays op without worrying i have stock there not photoed.. Im not sure whats going to happen once this is done, its a case of wait for the next seizure and then they will know what to do with me.. so i need to prepare if i cannot do photos anymore or need further surgery, i will have time then to get my model in.. ive already got one lined up ready, whos happy to take over..... I'll then be the photographer until Ryans ready, hes doing a photography course at college and cannot wait to get behind the camera taking photos of pretty models... lol
I may do some cooking this afternoon and see if i can get some meals ready here..

Learn

Decided to play dot to dot last night with the ambulance guys, another morning of waking up covered in heart monitor stickies.. they asked me to leave them on overnight in case i needed any more call outs.. I hate this.
Im torn between the devil and the deep blue sea. My fella said as soon as i started to feel unwell i have to let him know, the packing took me all afternoon, i was really tired by the end of it and really grouchy, one of the parcels wasnt paid by paypal and a couple of important letters were in with my book so i couldnt send the kids with the parcels as normal, there were too many for them to carry, so my fella said we would go together, i just wanted to sit down by then, and couldnt.. As soon as we returned and pulled up in the drive i started to feel unwell, the blood just drained from my arms and head again like emptying a swimming pool quickly, I just sat there shuddering with cold.. I came in layed on the sofa and hoped it would go away, all the way through my fella kept asking me should he call an ambulance, he was really not helping me relax, he wants them to be here when i get these so we get ecg readings, but i dont know if its gonna be a full blown one or like last nights milder form without the chest pain.. you get about 10 seconds of that pain starting and and being unciousous thats all.. its so hard for him i know, but i have to keep calm not panic, I really dont know if its gonna escalate or not til it happens.. Thankfully last nights episode did leave.. The ambulance crew were bloody brilliant and sat here with me til he finished his shift, they wanted to take me in but said the same things likely to happen again, ill be sent home until i see this specialist on monday. The ambulance crew are better than the hospital guys by far.. I got upset which i dont normally do with these but they really helped to calm me down and reassure that he was here with me whatever .. He also showed my fella not to panic or stress me out by keep asking me whats happening... That could indeed make these worse and escalate them .. I keep asking him to just sit with me and hold my hand, im trying to stay calm and find a nice place in my head, if you sit there waiting and reporting back every second of what it feels like, surely thats concentrating on the wrong parts... Im sitting in my woods surrounded by blue bells in my head, feeling the breeze on my face.......... and thats how i need to think..

Counting

6 today to go! I don't normally look forward to seeing a specialist but im hoping this lady on monday will answer a few questions we both have, It will also give my fella some peace of mind when this implant is in as he wants to know what he does when i do go out cold is right.. I look on it as it must be or i wouldnt be here writing a blog...
We took the kids to the charity day yesterday, well the afternoon part anyway, they loved it, we didnt do the whole day as it would have been too much.
I didnt do any classes but at least my fella could, that made me feel much happier, as i felt i wasnt stopping everything then for everyone else.. Lauren made a friend and the boys even did tbe regaetton so a good day had by all. I had a few dances when we went back last night for the evening party but kept it sensible.. Its amazing so many men asked me, i didnt think anyone would once they knew id had another seizure but they are good buddies and did.. That made me feel not quite as much the fuck up as i feel at the moment..The stupid part is everyone keeps saying how well i look.. its sods law..
Today im catching up on the packing as i didnt post out Friday and wished i had of done now.. My little helpers are Lauren and Callum, reluctantly by the sounds of it .. whats the betting they get wrong before the first parcel is packed!
They think as soon as they do one job that, that is it for the day, its taken some serious work for my fella to get it into their brains that they need to all do their share everyday.. Making their own bed doesnt count for taking the pressure off mum, although i think in their eyes it does...lol
I noticed a few smiles coming from the girls at that point...lol

Close

Its been a really nice weekend. We had friends round last night for dinner and my fella cooked, I got to do the sweets and thoroughly enjoyed the night. I feel so close to my fella at the moment its bloody lovely.. This has definitely made us both think and realise how right we have got some things,... Hes told me in no uncertain terms i'm not going anywhere.. Ive already been warned with the car battery charger if i don't behave.
I never thought he would take this very well and although its incredibly hard for him hes been such a gem, no matter where i am, hes always close just keeping an eye out..
So far ive had a clear week, i need to try and better last months score of 5 weeks and somehow work out whats causing these. I cant stop living because im frightened somethings gonna happen, I know its highly likely but i also believe that no matter what, as long as i have the will to live, my fella will get me round... he wont give up he loves me too much.. So i want to try and live as normally as we can here..

This afternoon/evening we are heading for Anglia square and to the cinema. I promised the kids id take them to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 two weeks ago and the poor buggers didn't get there.. Hopefully today will allow me to change that.
Its the big bank holiday charity day tomorrow at Acle. we are going!We are taking the kids with us during the day and going back tomorrow night with our friends- if im well enough.. Im really looking forward to this and thinking positively again now thankfully.. It does take time to heal from these and find that warmth again so you can wake up smiling, looking forward to the day ahead..

hopeful

I've been deep in thought today.. I just want my life back so much..
Simple things like watering the plants feel impossible today, im so tired physically, mentally im shut in a body thats not capable of anything other than wanting to sleep... come on energy where are you?
The kids are brilliant and keep saying we will get through this, my fellas being really good but must be doing his nut inside, he doesnt like it if i got a headache let alone all this shit. Hes hiding it well..
The heart specialist phoned back this afternoon they are implanting the micro chip into my chest on the 6th June to tape my heart ..This will stay in until they find out whats stopping it..
Ive also got to see a neurologist to find out if theres any connection in the bad heads i was getting and these attacks now..
Its stupid to some people but waiting for it to come everyday will kill me inside, i want to be as normal as i can be and not be wrapped up in cotton wool in between. It wont stop it happening, but it will just stop me from living and thats not what life is about..
David thinks i will start to feel a bit better tomorrow, im praying hes right.. to be fair he usually is.. He is sitting with me tomorrow afternoon while my fella goes to this meeting he keeps putting off..
I heard them talking this afternoon, they thought i was alseep, David and my fella aren't telling me everything that happened when i was unconcious, i heard that much...
Hopefully the specialist's will do something now between then and sort me out..

Will to live

Its the first morning ive got up on my own for a couple of days, its my favourite time of the day Its so peaceful.
My fella spent most of the day on the phone yesterday, he was brilliant. He managed to get me another dr as mine is always on maternity leave, ive got the one i wanted who is now in the process of what he calls sorting out the neglecting hospital. We have complained to hospital ourselves and apparently a lady is also working to sort out the missing loopholes that i seemed to have fell through.
As my drs not been in surgery for 5 months ive been seeing locums, a different one everytime, none of these guys had the sense to push the hospital for appointments for me, it was simply left of course. if you dont need antibiotics they dont seem to do much..
Ive gone for my sisters dr who i knows has looked after her really well, he knows whats been happening with the family already and is happy to take me on.. Im so relieved... I dont know whats worse knowing nothing is being done to stop these or waiting for the next.
I sent for paperwork last week which has now arrived, so will be spending a few days filling in what looks like books with my fella. I can get help now to take away the stress of paying next months rent, normally id say no and carry on working, this time im saying yes and taking some time off.... The trouble is here that the bills still come, my fellas income still isnt enough and i have to work to keep them paid! Noone works because they want to.. I certainly dont.. A life of poodling about in the garden sounds bliss to me but with 4 dependants who are now all in high school and growing like mad, needs supporting.. They are going to put me on sickness benefit as my only income at the moment is my work.. no work, no food simple as that..
My fella managed to speak to the heart specialist yesterday in cardiology.. she was totally unaware of course that her wishes were not carried out while i was in there, so has rushed through an appointment for me, its not brilliant as its not until the 6th June and ive got to get through until then, but we are on as urgent and first in if theres any cancellations.. she only works 2 days a week and theres a bank holiday of course!........ lucky her i say,  she doesnt have 4 kids and a house to keep obviously then...
My fella wont let me out now even to the shop, it does knock the stuffing out of your confidence so i understand how he feels, he keeps going on about the night he went out on his bender and that he thought i was ok now.. we both did.. Im not ok so.. no salsa, no riding and no work... Its such a shame as im loving my dancing but i wouldnt wish that on the class if i did go down so will have to stay away until i know im not going to hit the deck..I was tired on Saturday we had been round our friends Friday night which was really chilled out and nice and i didnt drink, but Saturday morning my fella wanted to go carbooting and to a farmers market and it was really hot.. It was a busy week last week and i dont think my body coped well with it all by the time it got to saturday night.. I fell asleep at tea time to then wake with a terrible headache.. I havent had one of those since i quit smoking so i should have known something wasnt right..
My grandparents are really upset, nanny wont come to see me but rings everday at least twice, mum says shes worrying herself silly.. The ironic part is i felt so well the last month so what the fuck is causing this problem i dont know? They are also looking into my brain now as well as my heart and going to check for what i imagine as tumours, i did have a really severe headache on Saturday before i had the fit.., They were talking about implanting a micro chip to constantly monitor my heartbeat until they can catch one on tape.. Another bloody implant on my chest then.............Great!
Not a pleasant thought knowing im gonna experience it again but i know thats its highly likely now.Everytime it comes I can feel the life draining out of me  im telling myself to 'keep breathing' as i go.. The only good part is you dont know or feel anything else after that, just relief when you wake up knowing im not dead yet ......
My fella wont go to work anymore, hes here with me now until this is sorted out..

Stopped

Just back from another night in A&E.....
I had another seizure last night, the worst one yet according to my fella.
 He had to do CPR on me, to get the heart working again., it wasnt going to restart... When i did come round i didnt know who anyone was..
The hospital is useless and the dr admitted to us last night that unless i have one of these seizures monday-friday 9-5 they cannot do anything to stop them, as everythings closed up there at weekends and evenings.. We have been told from last nights Dr to phone up cardio tomorrow and scream,..
My arms are bandaged up from endless attempts to get canulas in, my fellas worried sick im gonna die so cannot leave me on my own.. They have told him to stay with me at all times now.. Poor sod.. how much presure is that to put on him.. Last nights episode scared the crap out of him. I feel like an elephants sat on my chest today..
My kids watched me on that bathroom floor being pumped back to life by my fella and the ambulance crew, how can the hospital be so useless.. Its not the staff that are there, they have too much to do.. its the wankers that can sort this out but they are too busy with their sports cars at weekends and dont work.. These guys get all the NHS money and do fuck all themselves anymore.
Reminder to oneself Jo.. Please try and not have any more seizures at weekends....
Ive got orders coming in! so my fellas gonna have to do my work this week on top of look after me..
Hes now scanning the net in the hope we can find some answers to this..
My blood pressure was the best its been in years so i know the juicing and drinking loads has really helped, i felt fine all day and night yesterday until i went to bed, then it came...
Another week back to living on edge not knowing if more are coming.. I had just started to get some confidence back then it starts again....

warmth

Last night was really good.. I have never seen my fella dance so well, he was bloody amazing.
Its definately been a busy dancing week but helped when you're trying to stay positive.
We did say we were only going to do every other night which has gone out of the window, we have only stayed in one night so far, but we have now got a posh ball to go to Saturday night ontop..Its a guy i did my firewalk with and his birthday party, its at a really posh place so im pannicking as usual.. They even have a F1 car there for the guests to have a go at!! I like the guy as he was my walk buddy but hes part of my fellas business community so im really pleased he asked, I didnt know who he was from adam, when i did the walk,  but in my fellas world hes the alan sugar.. That really made me giggle as i remembered the guy had flip flops on the last time i saw him..  He must be the long haired hippy version then..lol
Free vodka and food all night was enough for me to say yes.. Ive asked my fella to pick my dress so i dont even have to worry about that.. Word of the week will be 'whatever'... Being up that hospital so much has changed my outlook on a lot of things now....
Im blackmailing the kids this week with dvds, take aways and pocket money as i feel bad ive been out so much, but im feeling good this week and intend making the most of every minute im feeling like this..
Tonight we are round our friends for a meal and overnighter, i have no idea if these guys can cook but am looking forward to finding out.. All i know is i like them as people so thats a really good start..Im not gonna worry about something that wont happen unless i want it to.. Im quite capable of saying no... or yes for that matter, its my choice..
Sunday ive promised the kids i will take them to see the new pirates of the caribean film so as long as i rest up today its gonna be a good weekend. I have a whole day to relax, which sounds amazing to me.. I'm posting out monday and saying fuck it today to work.. the sun is shining so why not! ill put it on a special and noone will know any different, except me tonight when ive had a day off....blisssssss
 We have made so many friends at Acle and lingwood its really lovely to feel so much energy and fun ..
It is true about feeling alive inside.. when i let the grief and stress get to me it feels like im being dragged down physically as well as mentally, this week even with all the grief and sorrow im managing to feel the warmth again..

Changes

Another week started and im still here! Thats a pretty amusing thought to have but very true!
My fella took me out yesterday near Stalham to a car boot which i must say, i really enjoyed. We started with breakfast out in a little cafe and just stayed out all day doing all sorts or random stuff, it was a really good day. I went up to see Bob in the afternoon and came back to watch my sorts of dvds and just chilled out.. I had to smile as he would never watch chick films like Burlesque but did this time, without moaning..lol
Im panicking today looking at this place but not allowed to do it.. i've promised... and as i woke up feeling like im pissed again im keeping that promise..Riding is a no no sadly..
I've been keeping a diary of these episodes and they are coming exactly the same time as last months were, to the day, one week after my period finishes...I get a week where i cannot stand up without looking like a piss head.
Im hoping this week my body will go back to some kind of normality.. I have things planned starting tonight at bachata class.. its not high energy dancing its more like slow and sexy.. im really looking forward to it.
We had invites to go out every night this week which i was a bit worried about.. so have agreed to do every other night all being well instead, hes worrying as he says i look ill and has refused to leave me to go to work but ive lied today and told him i feel much better.. He wouldn't have gone over wise and cannot sit here all day just incase i collapse.. If i go i'll go regardless, ill just make sure i get down on the floor quick!
Hes working on the kids now and making them do all the housework when they get home from school, Ryan always has helped its the other 3 that dont...I went to bed early and could hear him calling them down one by one last night to talk to them..
My drs signed me off work now saying im unfit to work so hes trying to sort out what to do from here.. My big sisters on call to do the packing from next week if i need her..
He cried Saturday saying he doesnt want me to die and telling me ive got to fight this...... I am fighting..
I got myself one of those E cigarettes that i carry around with me.. its not clinically classed as smoking but it will give me nicotine .. Until i know whats causing these its advisable.....My fella took the piss at first until these fits got worse, now hes agreeing with it......as a security precaution..
I dont think it was the stopping smoking, as i had the pain a few months back when i was still smoking.. I think too many years fighting and living with stress levels most people wouldn't understand, hurt more than i thought... Im worn out and need to take some time off ..hopefully without surgery involved but i dont know that much yet, ill do what i have to or i wont be here to argue with them..
Like Sasha said, time for a lifestyle change Jo.......... Yep, my fellas adamant and will be changing with me on this though.. Work aint gonna come first anymore, its had enough off us... he wouldnt go at all last week and just said fuck work when anyone phoned.. but it will take a few weeks to sort out all the paperwork needed here and get some help, the stress hes carrying at the moment is visable... so im trying to help him by sending him out.... I have a neighbour up the road who cannot run! on call if i need help i just have to ring, its like something off faulty towers... bit like the NHS service really.. 2 weeks waiting to see why your heart stops beating and you have brain seizures...... good job its not life threatening then..........lol

Lifestyle changed are needed now... so we are gonna do just that and change everything......

Living Doll

Oh my word do i ache this morning.. It was equal numbers last night and such a good night. Reminder to oneself 'Do not wear a stick on bra when dancing as you get hot and it peels off'......lol

We are making loads of new friends there, its a completely different group that goes to acle and we both really like them.

Every ones making jokes about me and my fella going to bachata classes as separates, he wants to go with Elaine so Ive been sorting out my partner,its one of the sexiest dances going so it should be a laugh.. There will be a few raised eyebrows im sure..As long as the bad boy DJ doesnt turn up it shouldn't mean divorce yet... Elaines lovely and is getting my fella into a dance he said he wouldn't do so im happy about this..Hes comfortable with her which you need to be for this one.. You learn more by dancing with other people, we can then dance together and both be surprised, nothing worse than knowing every move before its coming.

Gerry is helping me learn bachata at acle which seems to be working well, hes so tall im really having to work hard but loving all this learning..

I seemed to have lost the weight i put on so i guess its down to eating more now im back dancing, I need to make sure i keep well .

Tonight we are going to Pam's class at farmer browns in Tombland, the venue is lovely, the guys there are all so friendly and its a smallish class which is always great, shes teaching us to use our bodies now and isolate different parts.. shes def one of the best female teachers out there and so down to earth.. we just clicked ..

Im going to see Bob this afternoon to try and stop a family row starting, my little sisters under so much stress at the moment so im going with her so i can talk to her alone.. Bob was unconscious again all day yesterday.. Im praying he hasn't had another stroke.. I need to get across to Becky that this isnt a week or two of hospital visits, we are talking months here, shes already looking so tired and ill.. she has mum there crying all the time, 3 young kids, and a job to cope with and needs to look after herself.. I know now the importance of that bugger and dont want her to learn like i did.

My fella wanted me to go up the city today so i could get some bits, and open a bank account but im going to go Friday instead, its my birthday so im not working for a change, i may even forget the chips on the market  and go have lunch ..lol 

The cars gonna cost around 250 quid to put right and is being done today so tomorrow ill be able to start getting out more during the day without fear that she will keep conking out.. Bless its such a good car, i haven't spent any money on her in such a long while, shes been hanging on for dear life needing these sensors..Stuart is saying she will drive like new once they are in..

Looking forward to a trip to waxham or sea palling with a picnic to watch the sunset...

Theres a salsa beach party coming up in July at wells so its gonna be the perfect opportunity to take the tents. 3 days of dancing in the sand and nights round the bonfire, its a good as a holiday by the sounds of it ... so oh yes please..

God am i stiff this morning...Gonna be dancing like a stick woman tonight by the looks of it.. I wanted to dance more as i was feeling so stiff! im feeling even stiffer now :)

Today's gonna have to start with a long hot soak..

Come on Wednesday, give everyone a good day please.....

Shine

Its been a pretty good day today! The suns shining and im motoring through the work with a smile..
I went up to see Bob again yesterday, im glad i did, he was much better than when i last saw him and even managed to squeeze my hand.. thats such good news... Mum has been taken to the drs by my big sister so they are also keeping an eye on her now.. its been a really hard time for everyone but somehow time helps us all heal..
Ive been good and not had anymore attacks since my last.. Im so pleased and will continue to look after myself better. You seem to think that no matter what shit you get you will cope, i think mentally id hit a brick wall that physically took me down with it, i knew i wasnt looking after myself and didnt care.. Ive just managed to finish my first complete box of iron pills .. im supposed to have them everyday but seem to take them just when im tired which is rather stupid, everthing else im doing is either herbal or through juicing which im finding im really enjoying now.. how the hell i can get used to and indeed love raw vegetable juice is beyond me, but i am loving it now.
Im spending my extra hours outsde in my garden growing some amazing stuff, all of which i intend to eat as this year theres nothing out there i cant eat or cook with.. its beautiful out there now..
Im starting through my gardening and dancing to feel happier inside now...
So Im going to try and horse ride tonight! Ive asked them to give me a small horse to restart with as im still trying to gain my strengh but im going to have a go and ride with Mandy...Ive really missed it.
Lifes to short to keep worrying and although it feels like theres so much gloom around me theres still a lot of good stuff to help spread some sunshine..
Its that we have to keep in mind and think ourselves lucky we are still able to enjoy it..

Aint it funny

God what a day it turned out to be yesterday. I was emotionally drained sp god knows how mum felt coming back leaving her life behind.
We made good time to gatwick so arrived at 6am, mums flight wasnt due til 8.40 so it was a case of just sit and wait. You don't half learn stuff just sitting there watching people. Theres the do'ers and the havent got a clue'ers...
I kept going over things in my head, including jump on one of those planes..Its the constant fighting that gets you down.. we need a break.
When Julie and mum came through my heart sunk.. she looked every bit as bad as Julie warned me about and stood there hugging me for dear life, sobbing her eyes out.. I felt so awful. I can feel her pain but cant help to take it away, we are not her life anymore, Lem was.. Lifes so cruel.. is life all about love?
Loving life, loving what mother natures given, loving others, loving yourself.. without that its just existance..
Driving there yesterday i heard a song i havent heard for a while.. its a strange thing but music is what will probably hurt mum the most now, every song has a memory for good or bad you do remember.
This was j-lo 'Aint it funny' I sat there silent listening to every word which really hits home...
Some things in life i do believe are fate, some paths we look at and have to make choices of which road to take in our life.. I know i would never take the one everyone else used most, i like the exitement of now knowing whats around the corner.. sadly sometimes it also brings those painful things too...

Never rains but pours

They say it never rains but it pours... Thats certainly the sentence for my lot.. How much more..
I took my monitor back to hospital yesterday morning.. Im going back up today! Not for me but for Bob this time my step dad.. he had a bad stroke yesterday.. Theres so much stress at the moment coming in from all angles i think its that whats causing all the shit for everyone. First fay at xmas, which i know affected me, next came Lem so im now sitting worrying about my mum, then came my scare which im trying to recover from and now my step dad.. hes in my ward paralysed down one side unable to speak or move...
And they say theres a god up there! My mum is flying home Thursday night and ive already been told shes in a real bad way, going to stay with my little sister who looks like shes about to keel over at anytime worrying about her mum, sister and now dad... Its not gonna be good for mum to come back to this lot.. I must not get ill and add to this caos.........
Im praying the hospital doesnt call me this week, if they do then i know im in trouble, im hoping it was just all the stress.....
I know you lose loved ones in life which is always hard, im trying to adjust to the stresses as it goes, i think ive done ok and havent allowed it to affect everyone around me, but its really getting to me today.. One person dying has so much affect on what he/she leaves behind.. Life is for living so regardless of who we lose from our everyday existance or how hard it gets, it has to go on..
Whats the betting its gonna be my mum in there next...

Wired up

Just back from the hospital being wired up.. im not sure how im gonna hide it up tonight but im going to salsa regardless.. I will just have to wear something baggy.
Its chinese for tea as my fellas bringing it home from work so today im getting the packing done and may take myself off out somewhere. I'm really looking forward to another long weekend.

I've been looking at places to go camping and have found the place i'd love to go first.. its so pretty, surrounded by woodland and a lake..
My mum keeps telling me to book up one of the salsa weekends now.. We havent been able to go before because of the kids but shes happy to move in here with them, so im thinking of booking the castle one i keep looking at longingly and surprising my fella nearer the time.. Its has a 4 poster and jacuzzis in each of the suites which i know he would enjoy... They all bring rum and carry on partying in the rooms, so its on that list of to do things and may come sooner than i expected.
The drs said this morning i can go to salsa as long as i dont overdue things tonight.. im so pleased this monitor is on, at least i can do some normalish stuff now.. if its gonna happen then its being recorded.. that in itself brings some comfort. Ive got the best specialist up there, the nurse confirmed this morning and she is confident she will sort out whatevers causing these.. Its not gonna be easy to to sleep tonight as i have wires hanging out everywhere...

Keep Pumping

My Dr just phoned to put my fella out of his misery, he went on and on about me speaking to the Dr about my next period, hes obviously worried so i did phone him. They are saying as hes read all my hospital records this morning that it is my heart stopping and not just down to blood pressure, that could trigger it but they think it could be the wiring to the heart as the records put it.. I can feel it missing beats and then going like the clappers,so im behaving myself til i get that monitor on tomorrow...
My diet seems to be helping as i haven't had any more seizures now for 9 days which is brilliant.. trouble is they need to sort out whatever's doing this, im helping myself with downsizing all the work i usually do and eating and drinking healthy.. I feel like my stomachs the turbulent sea most days as im having to drink so much water, they said it will pass and that once my body knows im going to keep drinking, it wont hold onto it so much, so i wont feel so full all the time like i do at the moment...Its hard to want to eat after you have drunk gallons of the stuff..Im not hungry at all
Today i am going to do my hair! I wanted to yesterday but if im honest i didnt feel too sharp and as im on my own here all day i have to be careful, so i sat down and didnt do it.. Ive had a few seizures where ive gone down really hard and cracked my head and body.. its taken 2 weeks for the bruises to start disappearing...I cant do photos looking like i did...
Im itching to get back riding and to salsa. I went on Thursday to see the guys and it was hard not being able to get up there and enjoy myself..I did have one dance with gerry and one with steve but wouldnt push my luck. Sharon and Steve agreed that i could go in with the beginners class as sharon's a nurse and can take care of me if i do hit the deck.. so it was a very easy layed back class.. I really enjoyed it.
Ive made Steve promise that no matter what happens if i go down again he will get my heart working, it does seem to restart itself at the moment which is great, but just in case the worst happens, i need to know he will do whats needed and not panic. Ryan said he just sat there holding me, crying shouting for an ambulance.. that's not whats needed, you have to think calm and if needed break a few ribs to get it going again, they taught me that when Brandon used to have apnea's, pain is the easiest way to get a response, short of having a defibrillator on hand... Dr bennett was lovely this morning and has told me if i get any problems today to ring the surgery straight away, he will come, as my fella has to catch a bus home.. They are saying to let this period come as normal, the monitor will tape whats happening and although it will lower the blood pressure again it should also make my heart pump faster.. they dont seem to be sure yet, whats happening just that the heart is slowing down and sometimes stopping.. Gives new meaning to being unpredictable.. Noone seems to know..
I prefer to think its blood pressure.. I can help that myself.. I dont want to go back into hospital so need to feel i can help myself here..Im doing something right as im feeling much better than i was.
Ive managed to gain 3 pounds in weight which my fellas pleased about, its probably all the lemon water im holding butI wont tell him that.. I got so sick of drs telling me im underweight as they couldnt get canula's in my arms,.. am i fuck! ive always been this way, its just everyone in those places are usually obese who have dodgy hearts.. Knowing my luck they will ask me to start smoking soon as its good for me...
Call me superstitous, but ive been carrying the little heart everywhere with me that Fay gave me just before she died.. Did she know?
She gave me a purse as she said it would help me financially, and inside was a hand carved pink crystal polished heart about the size of a 50p peice.. I keep looking at it wondering why she choose to give me that.....
Funny olde world isn't it............

Hot week

Its been a good couple of days, the weathers amazing so we have been entertaining in the garden and doing BBQs.. It was well needed.
Ive been taking it easy and day by day gaining some strength, im not nowhere near back yet to where i want to be, so am doing as im told for a change. My fellas panicking as im due on this week, hes not happy as he thinks it could pull me back down again, so wants me to go see a dr to get it stopped with some pills, im having the heart monitor fitted on Thursday for 5 days so if i end up in a heap again they will see whats happening, i think its a good time to come on as i know it will interfere with my blood pressure, so they need to see my bodies reaction to this..
You can't keep putting things off in life, if its gonna happen then it will..
Davids been such a gem from next door, hes been taking the boys with him all over the place which they have loved.. My fellas on a mission to burn down my house at the moment so i think secretly Davids keeping an eye out..lol We had him round for a BBQ and Firepit on Friday and my fella set fire to that, then last night when emptying the firepit he must have put hot ash in a box as lauren came through screaming fire... my god it was a bloody fire as well, the front drive was up in about 8 feet of flames, along with half of Davids shed! it was a biggy! he was hosing from his end, we were all like gnomes passing water from ours.. hes got gas canisters in there! after me last week and that last night my fellas getting pretty fast with his moving now..hehe
Im gonna have to paint the shed and the fence black now!
Its nice to have some kind of normality back here, the kids have gone back to school and my fellas at work, so ive been sitting here listening to music this morning pottering about, its lovely and quiet so im pretty peaceful. Ive got orders to get done today but then thats it.. housework is banned this week.. its my first week of being left alone so everyones a little apprehensive and helped to get the place sorted out..
I want to try and sort my hair out this morning, up til now i havent been able to, so its a long bath while i do it and the radio for the next hour for company..
Then I'll get the packing done.....
My fella took me to nanny and grandads new place on saturday, its right near anglia square but hidden.. all those years i lived on angel road i didnt know about this place. Its so beautiful, like a little communion set in an oasis. i fell in love with the place, it may be expensive but they have saved all their lives for this.. its well worth the money.
I told grandad to stop worrying about money, he should spend the lot now while they are alive and happy and he seemed to have listened! as soon as im well enough im doing photos there, its perfect for that, and the old dears are all looking forward to watching a photo shoot apparently....lol
I can get changed in nannies and enjoy the garden as i work.. Grandads developed a new lease of life up there, theres only 3 men and 40 women! he hes the hottie according to nanny.. they have a special key that takes them through an alley way straight into anglia square so when i go down now ill park there and use that.. Theres something really enchanting about secret passageways..lol