Brown Eyed Girl

See the Light

2011-07-13T00:46:00.000-07:00

Ive come to a conclusion early this morning i want to do some painting.. pretty random even for my standards, I was going to decorate the kitchen, but I'm being pulled more into need to draw and paint direction with people.. I used to love doing portraits when i was younger.

The last 6 weeks have been much better, Ive had no more problems health wise, except for the fact i don't like how i feel at the moment.. Sluggish. That I'm going to start working on today and try to slowly build myself back up again strength wise. I haven't been riding for 2 months and miss it greatly, its the same with salsa, a couple of lessons where my fella took me gingerly. I'm feeling pretty well now so want to reignite a few sparks my health put a damper on.. My things i couldn't do anymore but want to start again..

I'm beginning to believe my fellas theory of stopping smoking could have done this to me.. I did smoke pretty heavy, I'll admit that now, the shock of not smoking could have indeed caused whats happened.. I don't regret it though, I'm glad i stopped. I feel so much better in other ways.
I brought my fella a home brew kit, when he was shut indoors looking after me and positive things have come from this spell in our lives.. One being hes bloody good at making wine now! I've become a dab hand at jams, bread and cooking in general but using only what i grow in my garden to cook with.. Its a challenge and brings such a feel good factor when you get to eat and drink what you've created.....

I never have been a wine drinker which is a shame as there's nothing my fella likes better than cooking a lovely meal and sharing a bottle, so I'm now in training to learn to appreciate its taste and share a bottle over dinner.. after all hes made it so its the least i can do.. We gave my sister a bottle yesterday as she turned up with a beautiful set of copper frying pans for me to swap for jam! they have been hanging in her kitchen unused for years so she brought then to what she called a good home! She phoned up last night pretty late with my mum telling me my fella has hidden talents.. as his wine was bloody amazing stuff..lol

Ive got this huge urge to create stuff, read, paint and go canoeing so the next month along with riding and salsa I'm hoping to do just that.

The dongle (that's what i call it) that's implanted into my chest, reminds me every morning that you really do need to make the most of every day you get. I was guilty of taking things for granted as much as the next man and thankfully have seen the light..

I've even managed to talk my fella into hiring a canoe with me and seeing how many ducks we can scare the crap out of.....

My mum is trying to rebuild her life and I'm the first person up, telling her she needs to do this, watching her get knocked back again yesterday reminds me just how selfish some people can be, but its not about those people... its all about us and what good things we can do with our time here.. Its called making the most of it and not taking anything for granted..

For me today starts with positive thoughts and a belief that things are and will, now change for the better..

Going for a walk

2011-07-11T02:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a really good day. Not as good as it could have been as Ryan didnt go, I couldnt get him and his girlfriend in the car so next year im hiring a mini bus and taking tents.
We wanted to camp but only the stall holders are allowed so im having a stall next year selling bags and belts, that way we can stay over and make a weekend of it. Paul and Kate are up for camping too. I've just gotta do this, the urge is getting worse to just grab a tent and go now..
The more i look at these festivals the more i like the thought of going to them all.. so thanks to Saturday i think im gonna have a look round and see how many more are going on.. That i can take a tent to !!
Im thinking of going hiking soon with my fella to either Ireland Scotland and the Lake District.. Everytime i see an advert on the TV for them seeing those hills and all that greenery, feels like its calling out to me at the moment.. I want to feel the wind in my hair and walk for England.... Literally, we can just stop off at b & bs along the way when we need a shower and end up where we end up... In the lake sounds appealing too.. Those places look amazing.. saturday there was a group there who played Irish folk music, i didnt know at the time but 2 were Laurens school teachers! They were bloody brilliant, I couldnt help my feet it just made you feel so happy, Happy music.. So ive asked her today so go get me his CD.. I could just see myself joining them with a violin playing away......hehe What a great thing to do..
Yesterday i spent the day cooking.. It didn't start out like that, but the kids and my fella kept going on about bread, so i ended up being slung off my computer and spending the day cooking, they were eating it faster than i could cook! The bread ive been told is the best yet! Not that i can eat the bugger..lol
Im now going to tackle the packing as the orders are printing out as i type, and im grabbing the poor dogs again for an hour and going for another walk..... They will think ive lost the plot with all these walks..

Bookworm

2011-07-08T23:38:00.000-07:00

I took an unexpected day off yesterday and really enjoyed it! I did the packing early and made the mistake of reading an intro to a book someone had sent me the link to online......... That was it, for the day..
I was ribbed constantly by my fella as i wasn't working and do you know what? I really didn't give a hoot, it was worth it, so i ignored everyone and read the whole book! I haven't done that for years.. I used to love reading but ended up not having enough time so stopped ...........My fellas face was a picture, he just couldn't help himself and kept calling me lazy, hoping I'd bite and stop reading it.......Nope.. Yesterday i was lazy, i did what i wanted for a change, not what everyone else wanted me to do........All 103 chapters of it...hehe...
Today its the Barford festival.... I'm so looking forward to this.......
I feel strangely refreshed this morning............ Watch out world!

Positive

2011-06-28T02:07:00.000-07:00

It was so lovely and hot last night, It felt like i was on a holiday!
The last couple of days im getting more back to normal here, it feels good. The garden is looking my kind of lovely, 3 days on the trot ive come up with a great meal from its offerings.
My fella left early with the kids so ive got the day to myself. I really hope this meeting goes well for him, its a national company and would set him off on a bloody good footing. Its important.
After saying that mum now phoned to see if i wanted some company today, she couldnt have timed it better, id love some....... I have bought paints to redo the table and furnishings in the kitchen..
I need to get past this week healthily.. Its the 5th week since the last fit which is usually the week it starts again.. Fingers crossed it doesn't happen this time around. Im feeling good and want to stay that way.....
I cant wait til it rains today.. Im wearing my shorts and intend standing outside in it later.. When you feel a need to do something then you should.. So mums gonna get a giggle today.

Sunrise

2011-06-25T01:36:00.000-07:00

Headaches finally cleared this morning.. Thank god. I thought i was gonna miss the sunshine!
By the way where is it?
Muggins here went out watering the plants last night with one eye closed and all.... They are probably all drowned this morning out there.
The dressings are finally off properly this morning, thanks to a long bath, I can see what im dealing with now, its not too bad, just a bit lumpy. Its not hurting to move at all anymore so i must be getting used to it.. My fella had a look and said it was fine, then reminded me its gotta be cut open again to come back out! Thanks for that! Talk about cheering me up.. I have a secret recipe for scars and quick healing which i know works so will be using that now.. It doesn't hide up the fact you can see the device really clearly inside my chest, but its there to help til they know whats happening with me.... Hopefully nothing more.... I was pretty down, id stopped smoking on top of that and stranger things can happen.... It was def a low point of my life..
Its wine making day here, i cleaned the garden ready and my fellas promised he will move all the bottles from outside on the decking.. Its a mess.. hes turning his shed into a brewery today instead which will be amusing.. that means dads in the shed pissed when he disappears then!
The house is so quiet today, just Brandon and Callum in bed asleep.. Ryan's probably got the biggest smile on the planet this morning waking up on holiday with his bird.....
I'm gonna attempt a few sit ups this morning and am gonna drive myself down the tanning center.. I'm fed up with feeling and looking a mess so need to do something about it now i can move properly..
Its my fellas birthday on the 30th so i need to try and find something nice... I think at the moment all he wants is a good piss up and night away from here so I'm gonna have a look and see what i can come up with.. hes pretty low in himself as hes fat (they are his words not mine) it doesn't make any difference to me as hes still the same inside, but he doesn't see it like that.. Ive got a fucking square box shoved down my cleavage so i don't exactly feel very sexy either........ at least it wont poke into him with a bit of extra meat on him............lol
The BBQ is gonna get cleaned today and subtly I'm gonna just keep cooking chicken and salad for the next month for tea..........
Hes going back to work properly next week with Paul.. Its no good staying here just in case. Hes been doing alternate days up the office but needs to go back now.. I agree with him......

Sunsets

2011-06-21T02:16:00.000-07:00

I feel so optimistic today, some days when you wake up, you just feel happy. Todays one of those days..
The suns shining, the birds are singing their heads off and it feels good.
Ive been out in the garden with my tea to see whats changing out there and smiling secretly to myself when i see new life peeking through.
Tonight i was hoping to go to the beach, but plans have been changed, my fella, my eldest son and his girlfriend all want to go to salsa so are taking the car.. he wasnt happy about me driving myself up waxham beach alone in case any thing happens to me when im there...
The last time i went to chant i came home so calm and happy inside, it does really make a difference. I got lost of course trying to find roses place but my fella ended up being a taxi which meant i could also have a drink.. I was lost in the chant that night, i felt like i was floating.. It was magical... So i'll wish my friends a warm summer solstice and hope mother nature brings them an amazing sunset to add to their evening.....xxx

We have started the changes to the site, which have been amusing, ive been changing pictures like a looney to load in bigger sizes but love whats happening to it so far.. Im also working on the other shop as thats next..
Im very reluctant to do photos anymore but my fellas telling me to try them, The fact that il have to sit and clone over a lump doesn't make it appealing but its like my fella says, its not in there for ever...This is only temporary........
Tomorrow im going with David for a couple of days to his sisters place to get it ready for her, my eldest has been there all week helping and cannot see what me sitting indoors is gonna do to help, as long as someones there who knows what to do its all you can do, so my fella said yes and is putting all his meetings into the next 2 days so he can do what he needs to while im away during the day. I can't wait to see what the decorators have done up there, tomorrow im taking some pictures of that quaint kitchen of hers to get some ideas for mine as its time i redecorated... Its to die for with that beautiful little range oven... Hopefully i wont though, or i'll be in the doghouse with my lot..........lol
Right back to work now.. I want to get this fnished today..its coming on a treat..

Fathers day

2011-06-19T03:55:00.000-07:00

Fathers day has been amusing in our house today.. My fella got up at 6 to wake the boys for their paper rounds, thats usually my job so it made me laugh that the one day he should have a lie, in he gets up!
Hes really into this home brew lark now so i bought him something extra from us all for putting up with us for another year, a 30 bottle set Shiraz/Merlot red wine kit.. With the 5 demi johns he has outside filled with ginger beer and the rest of it, it should allow a few amusing slurry nights.. Im getting right into my home baking now thanks to river cottage and am getting good at it according to this lot, so ill be in the kitchen doing the food, he can make the booze.. Perfect for nights round the firepit with friends........ Although im not sure the neighbours will agree...
We are trying salsa starting on Tuesday, i can't wait to start getting out again.. Im just gonna have to be careful who i dance with..or stick to bachata..
Im asking Dayle to come up and sort my hair out this week, I had the longest bath and hair wash yesterday which made me feel so much better..But it needs cutting badly now.
I want to go see Bob at the hospital today, he did bring me up and is my dad in every sense of the word where it counts. hes managing to say yes and no now, which is good and although hes still paralysed he is making a slow progress.. Hes managed to keep breathing through 3 strokes up there and a brain hemorrhage so is an inspiration to us all.. Even when you feel theres no hope, you need to keep trying....
The kids bought Steve a bloody stupid drinking hard hat! which hes promised to wear today, he can drink away while he makes some wine........ Its time i started to drink it with him now, even the drs said red wines good for you... otherwise he will be blot toed with all that lot to drink.. My garden is home to a brewery and Mediterranean salad garden which looks and smells lovely... Im like a child out there every morning seeing what i can put with dinner growing....
Ive been doing my own olive oils here with chilli and garlic and all sorts of herbs, the difference it adds to the cooking is briliant.. Ive got orders for the next batch and shit loads of jam orders waiting... I knew i liked growing things and cooking but i didnt realise just how much everyone else likes me doing this.
Its not been nice being shut indoors all the time, but i guess thats the positive i can take with me on this, ive experimented and really found something i like doing, growing stuff and then creating gorgeous meals to use it up with, its that feel good feeling you get seeing everyones faces when they munch away happily, knowing you made it from nothing..... Ive got a greenhouse full of nearly ready cucumbers which bring a smile to my face every morning when i see how big they are getting...........how sad is that! lol

After The Rain

2011-06-18T04:12:00.000-07:00

How good is it to see some rain out there, everyone moans but the garden needs it badly, the farmers are depending on this coming. Laying there last night i couldn't sleep, so i just layed there listening to the rain, it was lovely.
I wanted so much to go to the party last night but my fella said no.. He knows its hurting even when i do try to hide it, its bruising from inside out everytime i move, it is gonna take time to adjust to this, im telling my body to accept it but its a pretty big lump for it to ignore, sleeping im fiding most difficult as it burns like mad everytime i turn over, so i was thankful to the rain last night for keeping me company and allowing me some time to think...
Im positive they will sort out my problem, so need to stay focussed now..
Mareks working on my site either this week, ive given him a list of what i want changed and cannot wait to see the look of it, its so dated now, so time that changed.. Everything changes.............
Some changes are not always for the best i accept that, but ive got to now only worry about the things i can change ... Not the things i cannot....
The last couple of months although have knocked me back, have also helped me find that voice i couldnt seem to find when i needed... Things i cannot change i will walk away from, and not loose sleep over. I spent so much time worrying about things i could never do anything about, for what? learning to just worry about just those things i can change... makes sense...
Ill accept whatever comes in the other format and move on..
I did paint my nails last night, for the first time in ages, id been putting it off in case i was rushed back to hospital ( they cant read through polish on the machine) so i simply stopped painting.. just in case.. its madness! Fuck that! Im not living like that anymore......Whatever is meant to happen, will......
I can change today and enjoy every moment of what it brings.. so thats what im doing, even if it means ive been stuck in for a while, ive learnt new things while im in here..which will make this summer an even better experience..
That old rain certainly helped wash some haze away up there last night.. I feel im back on track mentally and want to get myself well, so physically i can do what i want to do again...... Theres so much out there i intend to do yet...
Everything does always look better after the rain, all bright and glistening , filled with fresh hope and wonder.. Or is it my eyes are just seeing clearer for the good old downpour...
Perhaps thats what we all need sometimes, a night of listening to mother natures soothing sounds , washing away old thoughts and feelings, so we can look forward again to see the world for what it could be..... rather than what has been.......

Limited

2011-06-15T03:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a good day. My fella had shit loads to do he worked all day and all night bless.. he must be knackered today.. Hes got 4 important meetings today so im spending the day alone. Im nervous but have to do this.. for his sake as well as my own...
I used to love my days on my own, i could work paint and do all those bits i enjoy doing,I got over the first lot of problems and went back to life as normal, but i must admit the last lot has left me nervous to do that yet.
I was hoping my mum would come up for an hour or so but no such luck.. shes out shopping looking for furniture for her new flat she hasnt got yet, everyones quick to say "let me know if you need anything", but when you do need someone theres never noone there... lol..
I should have known better for hoping.
This implant thingy isnt nice, the wound is healing nicely but its so fucking big in there it sticks into something inside everytime i move.. bending forward manages to hurt the most as it smacks into my collar bone, I hope this isnt how its gonna feel and hope its only til it heals properly.
I'd love to get back dancing and riding so i can feel more positive, sitting in this place is doing my head in... Im getting through editing today so it doesnt keep looking at me unfinished..but my hearts not in it today if im honest.. Its so lovely out there i keep thinking about the beach and going for a walk, but ive promised ill not do anything stupid..
I feel like ive been dragged through a hedge backwards, my hair is making me feel like shit, I need to sort myself out so i feel better but am not allowed a bath til tomorrow... its the first time in years ive not painted my nails and kept myself pruned and it does make you feel like crap.. I need to find that ' you'll soon sort yourself out girl mindframe.....and think positive
Im going to salsa tomorrow so my fella can get back dancing, its agua on friday and one of the best party nights going, which is gonna be a shit, how im supposed to sit there all night and not dance is beyond me.
It says you can go back to normal activities around 10 days after the op as soon as swelling goes down and stiches are clean..but as the drs said i needed more meat on me to cushion round the implant so im starting to believe that salsa as i know it, may not happen for a while yet..im seeing the dr again tomorrow so im gonna speak to him and see if theres anything i can do to help myself more..
Half of me wishes id have one of these siezures quickly so this thing can do its job and they can take it out, the other half hopes i never have to experience one again.... It could be a day or a year waiting like this so im gonna have to get used to it being in there.. it can stay in for 18 months so i need to shut up moaning.. its there to help and thats how i have to look on it..
Id love to just get in the car and go for a drive today....... i really miss those simple things.......
I get enough warning when these start that i can get myself on a floor or stop what im doing so im hoping the dr says i can get back to some kind of life again.. Its my fella ive felt sorry for, hes not ill and has to fucking sit here all the time.. I love my home but i dont love being shut in it !

Torn

2011-06-10T02:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes as much as i dont want to, i cant seem to help myself.. its been like that this morning..
Im just back from going with my fella to see the dr, this time its for him.
Since ive been ill hes not feeling so good in himself, i know its worrying about me and the fact hes trying to hold everything together here, i feel so reponsible for everything falliing to bits, im not myself at all at the moment.
I honestly think he would be better off away from here now.. one of us feeling like this is bad enough, two just isnt fair..
The kids are getting older, less dependant and i know if i was left alone id have to sort this out. At the moment im an emotional mess with a head full of questions i have no answers for today.
My chest is fucking sore, yesterday was such a drainer.. I thought they would cover me up a bit but instead i watched them do everything as its gone in my upper chest.. emotionally i wasnt prepared for how it made me feel inside and how scared i was on that table.. I counted everyone of those 30 stictches go in, hoping on each one that would be the last ...thinking to myself, whats gone in has to come out ......
The nurses kept asking why i was on my own, i was the only person in there who didnt take someone with them. but ive got to the point where i dont want anyone there to see that shit happen, it affects them just as much, its probably better if they do ignore this.. I dont want to make him ill and im simply not myself at the moment............

Ready

2011-06-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

What a giggle today has been. Mandy and Deon have been up and we have been having such a giggle. I've had my pre op this morning and am cooking meals ready for this lot, my sisters taking me into hospital as my fellas working but he will be able to pick me up if they let me home..
My fellas sense of humour is on top form, even Mandy says she would have thumped him by now, but if thats what gets him through this, ill happily take the hype..... he looks a lot worse than i do at the moment, im concerned hes not taking this as well i hes making out.. Hes got a huge stye come up on his eye, and looks like hes got the worlds weight on his shoulders... Hopefully once this ops done tomorrow we can both have some time to ourselves again.. its not good to be together 24/7 like this... hes like a caged animal poor sod..
We have a party to go to this sat at our friends in sutton and im aiming to go although he doesnt think we are.. I know i cant dance or drink yet, but theres no reason my fella can't, After 10 days i will be able to go back to leading a more normal life again ... im going back to riding and salsa and making the most of every minute i can......
I had my heart scanned yesterday which was a relief.. (yes they did find one!)
Its as strong as hell and perfect according to the dr, theres no damage whatsoever with that.. This is an electrical problem by the looks of it, somethings telling the heart to stop..
Roll on tomorrow.. hopefully this will give everyone some answers and relief then once its in....

Calm

2011-06-07T02:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday went well, we were up the hospital nearly all afternoon but it was worth it, I had emailed this lady specialist a couple of weeks back and she insited i would be seeing her and not her understudy so i didnt mind waiting. She was worth the wait and really lovely. She wasnt amused the things she asked the hospital to do hadn't been carried out while i was in there previously and promised she will be working with me until im sorted out. I was given the date of the 12th July for this operation but she said it was too long to wait after the amounts of fits i have had now, she filled in forms and told me she wants it done this week, so i am to sit by the phone and wait for a call... Shes not messing about thats for sure. I havent got much faith in the NHS left after the last couple of months but she was really good and helped restore some.
The hospital now phoned and my operations at 12 this Thursday.. I have been told that my sister cannot come with me now as i may need a general anesthetic and not a local.. not going to know apparently til the surgeon looks at me and knows where hes putting this device in ? I hope its a local.. I want to be able to come home.. not good at staying in that place...
Its taken 6 weeks to see this specialist but shes been on the ball today and doing everything she said she would do..
I did half the dress photos at nannies this weekend so im gonna see if my fella will do the other half tomorrow afternoon now, i know he will moan and say no but.. these need to be done as the whole section needs sorting out and redoing, the ones we did i am really pleased with and dont want to do half a job, I can just sit then and sort out that section while i heal from Thursdays op without worrying i have stock there not photoed.. Im not sure whats going to happen once this is done, its a case of wait for the next seizure and then they will know what to do with me.. so i need to prepare if i cannot do photos anymore or need further surgery, i will have time then to get my model in.. ive already got one lined up ready, whos happy to take over..... I'll then be the photographer until Ryans ready, hes doing a photography course at college and cannot wait to get behind the camera taking photos of pretty models... lol
I may do some cooking this afternoon and see if i can get some meals ready here..

Learn

2011-06-01T01:04:00.000-07:00

Decided to play dot to dot last night with the ambulance guys, another morning of waking up covered in heart monitor stickies.. they asked me to leave them on overnight in case i needed any more call outs.. I hate this.
Im torn between the devil and the deep blue sea. My fella said as soon as i started to feel unwell i have to let him know, the packing took me all afternoon, i was really tired by the end of it and really grouchy, one of the parcels wasnt paid by paypal and a couple of important letters were in with my book so i couldnt send the kids with the parcels as normal, there were too many for them to carry, so my fella said we would go together, i just wanted to sit down by then, and couldnt.. As soon as we returned and pulled up in the drive i started to feel unwell, the blood just drained from my arms and head again like emptying a swimming pool quickly, I just sat there shuddering with cold.. I came in layed on the sofa and hoped it would go away, all the way through my fella kept asking me should he call an ambulance, he was really not helping me relax, he wants them to be here when i get these so we get ecg readings, but i dont know if its gonna be a full blown one or like last nights milder form without the chest pain.. you get about 10 seconds of that pain starting and and being unciousous thats all.. its so hard for him i know, but i have to keep calm not panic, I really dont know if its gonna escalate or not til it happens.. Thankfully last nights episode did leave.. The ambulance crew were bloody brilliant and sat here with me til he finished his shift, they wanted to take me in but said the same things likely to happen again, ill be sent home until i see this specialist on monday. The ambulance crew are better than the hospital guys by far.. I got upset which i dont normally do with these but they really helped to calm me down and reassure that he was here with me whatever .. He also showed my fella not to panic or stress me out by keep asking me whats happening... That could indeed make these worse and escalate them .. I keep asking him to just sit with me and hold my hand, im trying to stay calm and find a nice place in my head, if you sit there waiting and reporting back every second of what it feels like, surely thats concentrating on the wrong parts... Im sitting in my woods surrounded by blue bells in my head, feeling the breeze on my face.......... and thats how i need to think..

Counting

2011-05-31T03:50:00.000-07:00

6 today to go! I don't normally look forward to seeing a specialist but im hoping this lady on monday will answer a few questions we both have, It will also give my fella some peace of mind when this implant is in as he wants to know what he does when i do go out cold is right.. I look on it as it must be or i wouldnt be here writing a blog...
We took the kids to the charity day yesterday, well the afternoon part anyway, they loved it, we didnt do the whole day as it would have been too much.
I didnt do any classes but at least my fella could, that made me feel much happier, as i felt i wasnt stopping everything then for everyone else.. Lauren made a friend and the boys even did tbe regaetton so a good day had by all. I had a few dances when we went back last night for the evening party but kept it sensible.. Its amazing so many men asked me, i didnt think anyone would once they knew id had another seizure but they are good buddies and did.. That made me feel not quite as much the fuck up as i feel at the moment..The stupid part is everyone keeps saying how well i look.. its sods law..
Today im catching up on the packing as i didnt post out Friday and wished i had of done now.. My little helpers are Lauren and Callum, reluctantly by the sounds of it .. whats the betting they get wrong before the first parcel is packed!
They think as soon as they do one job that, that is it for the day, its taken some serious work for my fella to get it into their brains that they need to all do their share everyday.. Making their own bed doesnt count for taking the pressure off mum, although i think in their eyes it does...lol
I noticed a few smiles coming from the girls at that point...lol

Close

2011-05-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

Its been a really nice weekend. We had friends round last night for dinner and my fella cooked, I got to do the sweets and thoroughly enjoyed the night. I feel so close to my fella at the moment its bloody lovely.. This has definitely made us both think and realise how right we have got some things,... Hes told me in no uncertain terms i'm not going anywhere.. Ive already been warned with the car battery charger if i don't behave.
I never thought he would take this very well and although its incredibly hard for him hes been such a gem, no matter where i am, hes always close just keeping an eye out..
So far ive had a clear week, i need to try and better last months score of 5 weeks and somehow work out whats causing these. I cant stop living because im frightened somethings gonna happen, I know its highly likely but i also believe that no matter what, as long as i have the will to live, my fella will get me round... he wont give up he loves me too much.. So i want to try and live as normally as we can here..

This afternoon/evening we are heading for Anglia square and to the cinema. I promised the kids id take them to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 two weeks ago and the poor buggers didn't get there.. Hopefully today will allow me to change that.
Its the big bank holiday charity day tomorrow at Acle. we are going!We are taking the kids with us during the day and going back tomorrow night with our friends- if im well enough.. Im really looking forward to this and thinking positively again now thankfully.. It does take time to heal from these and find that warmth again so you can wake up smiling, looking forward to the day ahead..

hopeful

2011-05-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

I've been deep in thought today.. I just want my life back so much..
Simple things like watering the plants feel impossible today, im so tired physically, mentally im shut in a body thats not capable of anything other than wanting to sleep... come on energy where are you?
The kids are brilliant and keep saying we will get through this, my fellas being really good but must be doing his nut inside, he doesnt like it if i got a headache let alone all this shit. Hes hiding it well..
The heart specialist phoned back this afternoon they are implanting the micro chip into my chest on the 6th June to tape my heart ..This will stay in until they find out whats stopping it..
Ive also got to see a neurologist to find out if theres any connection in the bad heads i was getting and these attacks now..
Its stupid to some people but waiting for it to come everyday will kill me inside, i want to be as normal as i can be and not be wrapped up in cotton wool in between. It wont stop it happening, but it will just stop me from living and thats not what life is about..
David thinks i will start to feel a bit better tomorrow, im praying hes right.. to be fair he usually is.. He is sitting with me tomorrow afternoon while my fella goes to this meeting he keeps putting off..
I heard them talking this afternoon, they thought i was alseep, David and my fella aren't telling me everything that happened when i was unconcious, i heard that much...
Hopefully the specialist's will do something now between then and sort me out..

Will to live

2011-05-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

Its the first morning ive got up on my own for a couple of days, its my favourite time of the day Its so peaceful.
My fella spent most of the day on the phone yesterday, he was brilliant. He managed to get me another dr as mine is always on maternity leave, ive got the one i wanted who is now in the process of what he calls sorting out the neglecting hospital. We have complained to hospital ourselves and apparently a lady is also working to sort out the missing loopholes that i seemed to have fell through.
As my drs not been in surgery for 5 months ive been seeing locums, a different one everytime, none of these guys had the sense to push the hospital for appointments for me, it was simply left of course. if you dont need antibiotics they dont seem to do much..
Ive gone for my sisters dr who i knows has looked after her really well, he knows whats been happening with the family already and is happy to take me on.. Im so relieved... I dont know whats worse knowing nothing is being done to stop these or waiting for the next.
I sent for paperwork last week which has now arrived, so will be spending a few days filling in what looks like books with my fella. I can get help now to take away the stress of paying next months rent, normally id say no and carry on working, this time im saying yes and taking some time off.... The trouble is here that the bills still come, my fellas income still isnt enough and i have to work to keep them paid! Noone works because they want to.. I certainly dont.. A life of poodling about in the garden sounds bliss to me but with 4 dependants who are now all in high school and growing like mad, needs supporting.. They are going to put me on sickness benefit as my only income at the moment is my work.. no work, no food simple as that..
My fella managed to speak to the heart specialist yesterday in cardiology.. she was totally unaware of course that her wishes were not carried out while i was in there, so has rushed through an appointment for me, its not brilliant as its not until the 6th June and ive got to get through until then, but we are on as urgent and first in if theres any cancellations.. she only works 2 days a week and theres a bank holiday of course!........ lucky her i say, she doesnt have 4 kids and a house to keep obviously then...
My fella wont let me out now even to the shop, it does knock the stuffing out of your confidence so i understand how he feels, he keeps going on about the night he went out on his bender and that he thought i was ok now.. we both did.. Im not ok so.. no salsa, no riding and no work... Its such a shame as im loving my dancing but i wouldnt wish that on the class if i did go down so will have to stay away until i know im not going to hit the deck..I was tired on Saturday we had been round our friends Friday night which was really chilled out and nice and i didnt drink, but Saturday morning my fella wanted to go carbooting and to a farmers market and it was really hot.. It was a busy week last week and i dont think my body coped well with it all by the time it got to saturday night.. I fell asleep at tea time to then wake with a terrible headache.. I havent had one of those since i quit smoking so i should have known something wasnt right..
My grandparents are really upset, nanny wont come to see me but rings everday at least twice, mum says shes worrying herself silly.. The ironic part is i felt so well the last month so what the fuck is causing this problem i dont know? They are also looking into my brain now as well as my heart and going to check for what i imagine as tumours, i did have a really severe headache on Saturday before i had the fit.., They were talking about implanting a micro chip to constantly monitor my heartbeat until they can catch one on tape.. Another bloody implant on my chest then.............Great!
Not a pleasant thought knowing im gonna experience it again but i know thats its highly likely now.Everytime it comes I can feel the life draining out of me im telling myself to 'keep breathing' as i go.. The only good part is you dont know or feel anything else after that, just relief when you wake up knowing im not dead yet ......
My fella wont go to work anymore, hes here with me now until this is sorted out..

Stopped

2011-05-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

Just back from another night in A&E.....
I had another seizure last night, the worst one yet according to my fella.
He had to do CPR on me, to get the heart working again., it wasnt going to restart... When i did come round i didnt know who anyone was..
The hospital is useless and the dr admitted to us last night that unless i have one of these seizures monday-friday 9-5 they cannot do anything to stop them, as everythings closed up there at weekends and evenings.. We have been told from last nights Dr to phone up cardio tomorrow and scream,..
My arms are bandaged up from endless attempts to get canulas in, my fellas worried sick im gonna die so cannot leave me on my own.. They have told him to stay with me at all times now.. Poor sod.. how much presure is that to put on him.. Last nights episode scared the crap out of him. I feel like an elephants sat on my chest today..
My kids watched me on that bathroom floor being pumped back to life by my fella and the ambulance crew, how can the hospital be so useless.. Its not the staff that are there, they have too much to do.. its the wankers that can sort this out but they are too busy with their sports cars at weekends and dont work.. These guys get all the NHS money and do fuck all themselves anymore.
Reminder to oneself Jo.. Please try and not have any more seizures at weekends....
Ive got orders coming in! so my fellas gonna have to do my work this week on top of look after me..
Hes now scanning the net in the hope we can find some answers to this..
My blood pressure was the best its been in years so i know the juicing and drinking loads has really helped, i felt fine all day and night yesterday until i went to bed, then it came...
Another week back to living on edge not knowing if more are coming.. I had just started to get some confidence back then it starts again....

warmth

2011-05-20T02:58:00.000-07:00

Last night was really good.. I have never seen my fella dance so well, he was bloody amazing.
Its definately been a busy dancing week but helped when you're trying to stay positive.
We did say we were only going to do every other night which has gone out of the window, we have only stayed in one night so far, but we have now got a posh ball to go to Saturday night ontop..Its a guy i did my firewalk with and his birthday party, its at a really posh place so im pannicking as usual.. They even have a F1 car there for the guests to have a go at!! I like the guy as he was my walk buddy but hes part of my fellas business community so im really pleased he asked, I didnt know who he was from adam, when i did the walk, but in my fellas world hes the alan sugar.. That really made me giggle as i remembered the guy had flip flops on the last time i saw him.. He must be the long haired hippy version then..lol
Free vodka and food all night was enough for me to say yes.. Ive asked my fella to pick my dress so i dont even have to worry about that.. Word of the week will be 'whatever'... Being up that hospital so much has changed my outlook on a lot of things now....
Im blackmailing the kids this week with dvds, take aways and pocket money as i feel bad ive been out so much, but im feeling good this week and intend making the most of every minute im feeling like this..
Tonight we are round our friends for a meal and overnighter, i have no idea if these guys can cook but am looking forward to finding out.. All i know is i like them as people so thats a really good start..Im not gonna worry about something that wont happen unless i want it to.. Im quite capable of saying no... or yes for that matter, its my choice..
Sunday ive promised the kids i will take them to see the new pirates of the caribean film so as long as i rest up today its gonna be a good weekend. I have a whole day to relax, which sounds amazing to me.. I'm posting out monday and saying fuck it today to work.. the sun is shining so why not! ill put it on a special and noone will know any different, except me tonight when ive had a day off....blisssssss
We have made so many friends at Acle and lingwood its really lovely to feel so much energy and fun ..
It is true about feeling alive inside.. when i let the grief and stress get to me it feels like im being dragged down physically as well as mentally, this week even with all the grief and sorrow im managing to feel the warmth again..

Changes

2011-05-16T05:29:00.000-07:00

Another week started and im still here! Thats a pretty amusing thought to have but very true!
My fella took me out yesterday near Stalham to a car boot which i must say, i really enjoyed. We started with breakfast out in a little cafe and just stayed out all day doing all sorts or random stuff, it was a really good day. I went up to see Bob in the afternoon and came back to watch my sorts of dvds and just chilled out.. I had to smile as he would never watch chick films like Burlesque but did this time, without moaning..lol
Im panicking today looking at this place but not allowed to do it.. i've promised... and as i woke up feeling like im pissed again im keeping that promise..Riding is a no no sadly..
I've been keeping a diary of these episodes and they are coming exactly the same time as last months were, to the day, one week after my period finishes...I get a week where i cannot stand up without looking like a piss head.
Im hoping this week my body will go back to some kind of normality.. I have things planned starting tonight at bachata class.. its not high energy dancing its more like slow and sexy.. im really looking forward to it.
We had invites to go out every night this week which i was a bit worried about.. so have agreed to do every other night all being well instead, hes worrying as he says i look ill and has refused to leave me to go to work but ive lied today and told him i feel much better.. He wouldn't have gone over wise and cannot sit here all day just incase i collapse.. If i go i'll go regardless, ill just make sure i get down on the floor quick!
Hes working on the kids now and making them do all the housework when they get home from school, Ryan always has helped its the other 3 that dont...I went to bed early and could hear him calling them down one by one last night to talk to them..
My drs signed me off work now saying im unfit to work so hes trying to sort out what to do from here.. My big sisters on call to do the packing from next week if i need her..
He cried Saturday saying he doesnt want me to die and telling me ive got to fight this...... I am fighting..
I got myself one of those E cigarettes that i carry around with me.. its not clinically classed as smoking but it will give me nicotine .. Until i know whats causing these its advisable.....My fella took the piss at first until these fits got worse, now hes agreeing with it......as a security precaution..
I dont think it was the stopping smoking, as i had the pain a few months back when i was still smoking.. I think too many years fighting and living with stress levels most people wouldn't understand, hurt more than i thought... Im worn out and need to take some time off ..hopefully without surgery involved but i dont know that much yet, ill do what i have to or i wont be here to argue with them..
Like Sasha said, time for a lifestyle change Jo.......... Yep, my fellas adamant and will be changing with me on this though.. Work aint gonna come first anymore, its had enough off us... he wouldnt go at all last week and just said fuck work when anyone phoned.. but it will take a few weeks to sort out all the paperwork needed here and get some help, the stress hes carrying at the moment is visable... so im trying to help him by sending him out.... I have a neighbour up the road who cannot run! on call if i need help i just have to ring, its like something off faulty towers... bit like the NHS service really.. 2 weeks waiting to see why your heart stops beating and you have brain seizures...... good job its not life threatening then..........lol

Lifestyle changed are needed now... so we are gonna do just that and change everything......

Living Doll

2011-05-11T00:07:00.000-07:00

Oh my word do i ache this morning.. It was equal numbers last night and such a good night. Reminder to oneself 'Do not wear a stick on bra when dancing as you get hot and it peels off'......lol

We are making loads of new friends there, its a completely different group that goes to acle and we both really like them.

Every ones making jokes about me and my fella going to bachata classes as separates, he wants to go with Elaine so Ive been sorting out my partner,its one of the sexiest dances going so it should be a laugh.. There will be a few raised eyebrows im sure..As long as the bad boy DJ doesnt turn up it shouldn't mean divorce yet... Elaines lovely and is getting my fella into a dance he said he wouldn't do so im happy about this..Hes comfortable with her which you need to be for this one.. You learn more by dancing with other people, we can then dance together and both be surprised, nothing worse than knowing every move before its coming.

Gerry is helping me learn bachata at acle which seems to be working well, hes so tall im really having to work hard but loving all this learning..

I seemed to have lost the weight i put on so i guess its down to eating more now im back dancing, I need to make sure i keep well .

Tonight we are going to Pam's class at farmer browns in Tombland, the venue is lovely, the guys there are all so friendly and its a smallish class which is always great, shes teaching us to use our bodies now and isolate different parts.. shes def one of the best female teachers out there and so down to earth.. we just clicked ..

Im going to see Bob this afternoon to try and stop a family row starting, my little sisters under so much stress at the moment so im going with her so i can talk to her alone.. Bob was unconscious again all day yesterday.. Im praying he hasn't had another stroke.. I need to get across to Becky that this isnt a week or two of hospital visits, we are talking months here, shes already looking so tired and ill.. she has mum there crying all the time, 3 young kids, and a job to cope with and needs to look after herself.. I know now the importance of that bugger and dont want her to learn like i did.

My fella wanted me to go up the city today so i could get some bits, and open a bank account but im going to go Friday instead, its my birthday so im not working for a change, i may even forget the chips on the market and go have lunch ..lol

The cars gonna cost around 250 quid to put right and is being done today so tomorrow ill be able to start getting out more during the day without fear that she will keep conking out.. Bless its such a good car, i haven't spent any money on her in such a long while, shes been hanging on for dear life needing these sensors..Stuart is saying she will drive like new once they are in..

Looking forward to a trip to waxham or sea palling with a picnic to watch the sunset...

Theres a salsa beach party coming up in July at wells so its gonna be the perfect opportunity to take the tents. 3 days of dancing in the sand and nights round the bonfire, its a good as a holiday by the sounds of it ... so oh yes please..

God am i stiff this morning...Gonna be dancing like a stick woman tonight by the looks of it.. I wanted to dance more as i was feeling so stiff! im feeling even stiffer now :)

Today's gonna have to start with a long hot soak..

Come on Wednesday, give everyone a good day please.....

Shine

2011-05-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

Its been a pretty good day today! The suns shining and im motoring through the work with a smile..
I went up to see Bob again yesterday, im glad i did, he was much better than when i last saw him and even managed to squeeze my hand.. thats such good news... Mum has been taken to the drs by my big sister so they are also keeping an eye on her now.. its been a really hard time for everyone but somehow time helps us all heal..
Ive been good and not had anymore attacks since my last.. Im so pleased and will continue to look after myself better. You seem to think that no matter what shit you get you will cope, i think mentally id hit a brick wall that physically took me down with it, i knew i wasnt looking after myself and didnt care.. Ive just managed to finish my first complete box of iron pills .. im supposed to have them everyday but seem to take them just when im tired which is rather stupid, everthing else im doing is either herbal or through juicing which im finding im really enjoying now.. how the hell i can get used to and indeed love raw vegetable juice is beyond me, but i am loving it now.
Im spending my extra hours outsde in my garden growing some amazing stuff, all of which i intend to eat as this year theres nothing out there i cant eat or cook with.. its beautiful out there now..
Im starting through my gardening and dancing to feel happier inside now...
So Im going to try and horse ride tonight! Ive asked them to give me a small horse to restart with as im still trying to gain my strengh but im going to have a go and ride with Mandy...Ive really missed it.
Lifes to short to keep worrying and although it feels like theres so much gloom around me theres still a lot of good stuff to help spread some sunshine..
Its that we have to keep in mind and think ourselves lucky we are still able to enjoy it..

Aint it funny

2011-05-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

God what a day it turned out to be yesterday. I was emotionally drained sp god knows how mum felt coming back leaving her life behind.
We made good time to gatwick so arrived at 6am, mums flight wasnt due til 8.40 so it was a case of just sit and wait. You don't half learn stuff just sitting there watching people. Theres the do'ers and the havent got a clue'ers...
I kept going over things in my head, including jump on one of those planes..Its the constant fighting that gets you down.. we need a break.
When Julie and mum came through my heart sunk.. she looked every bit as bad as Julie warned me about and stood there hugging me for dear life, sobbing her eyes out.. I felt so awful. I can feel her pain but cant help to take it away, we are not her life anymore, Lem was.. Lifes so cruel.. is life all about love?
Loving life, loving what mother natures given, loving others, loving yourself.. without that its just existance..
Driving there yesterday i heard a song i havent heard for a while.. its a strange thing but music is what will probably hurt mum the most now, every song has a memory for good or bad you do remember.
This was j-lo 'Aint it funny' I sat there silent listening to every word which really hits home...
Some things in life i do believe are fate, some paths we look at and have to make choices of which road to take in our life.. I know i would never take the one everyone else used most, i like the exitement of now knowing whats around the corner.. sadly sometimes it also brings those painful things too...

Never rains but pours

2011-05-04T01:42:00.000-07:00

They say it never rains but it pours... Thats certainly the sentence for my lot.. How much more..
I took my monitor back to hospital yesterday morning.. Im going back up today! Not for me but for Bob this time my step dad.. he had a bad stroke yesterday.. Theres so much stress at the moment coming in from all angles i think its that whats causing all the shit for everyone. First fay at xmas, which i know affected me, next came Lem so im now sitting worrying about my mum, then came my scare which im trying to recover from and now my step dad.. hes in my ward paralysed down one side unable to speak or move...
And they say theres a god up there! My mum is flying home Thursday night and ive already been told shes in a real bad way, going to stay with my little sister who looks like shes about to keel over at anytime worrying about her mum, sister and now dad... Its not gonna be good for mum to come back to this lot.. I must not get ill and add to this caos.........
Im praying the hospital doesnt call me this week, if they do then i know im in trouble, im hoping it was just all the stress.....
I know you lose loved ones in life which is always hard, im trying to adjust to the stresses as it goes, i think ive done ok and havent allowed it to affect everyone around me, but its really getting to me today.. One person dying has so much affect on what he/she leaves behind.. Life is for living so regardless of who we lose from our everyday existance or how hard it gets, it has to go on..
Whats the betting its gonna be my mum in there next...

Wired up

2011-04-28T02:38:00.000-07:00

Just back from the hospital being wired up.. im not sure how im gonna hide it up tonight but im going to salsa regardless.. I will just have to wear something baggy.
Its chinese for tea as my fellas bringing it home from work so today im getting the packing done and may take myself off out somewhere. I'm really looking forward to another long weekend.

I've been looking at places to go camping and have found the place i'd love to go first.. its so pretty, surrounded by woodland and a lake..
My mum keeps telling me to book up one of the salsa weekends now.. We havent been able to go before because of the kids but shes happy to move in here with them, so im thinking of booking the castle one i keep looking at longingly and surprising my fella nearer the time.. Its has a 4 poster and jacuzzis in each of the suites which i know he would enjoy... They all bring rum and carry on partying in the rooms, so its on that list of to do things and may come sooner than i expected.
The drs said this morning i can go to salsa as long as i dont overdue things tonight.. im so pleased this monitor is on, at least i can do some normalish stuff now.. if its gonna happen then its being recorded.. that in itself brings some comfort. Ive got the best specialist up there, the nurse confirmed this morning and she is confident she will sort out whatevers causing these.. Its not gonna be easy to to sleep tonight as i have wires hanging out everywhere...

Keep Pumping

2011-04-27T01:19:00.000-07:00

My Dr just phoned to put my fella out of his misery, he went on and on about me speaking to the Dr about my next period, hes obviously worried so i did phone him. They are saying as hes read all my hospital records this morning that it is my heart stopping and not just down to blood pressure, that could trigger it but they think it could be the wiring to the heart as the records put it.. I can feel it missing beats and then going like the clappers,so im behaving myself til i get that monitor on tomorrow...
My diet seems to be helping as i haven't had any more seizures now for 9 days which is brilliant.. trouble is they need to sort out whatever's doing this, im helping myself with downsizing all the work i usually do and eating and drinking healthy.. I feel like my stomachs the turbulent sea most days as im having to drink so much water, they said it will pass and that once my body knows im going to keep drinking, it wont hold onto it so much, so i wont feel so full all the time like i do at the moment...Its hard to want to eat after you have drunk gallons of the stuff..Im not hungry at all
Today i am going to do my hair! I wanted to yesterday but if im honest i didnt feel too sharp and as im on my own here all day i have to be careful, so i sat down and didnt do it.. Ive had a few seizures where ive gone down really hard and cracked my head and body.. its taken 2 weeks for the bruises to start disappearing...I cant do photos looking like i did...
Im itching to get back riding and to salsa. I went on Thursday to see the guys and it was hard not being able to get up there and enjoy myself..I did have one dance with gerry and one with steve but wouldnt push my luck. Sharon and Steve agreed that i could go in with the beginners class as sharon's a nurse and can take care of me if i do hit the deck.. so it was a very easy layed back class.. I really enjoyed it.
Ive made Steve promise that no matter what happens if i go down again he will get my heart working, it does seem to restart itself at the moment which is great, but just in case the worst happens, i need to know he will do whats needed and not panic. Ryan said he just sat there holding me, crying shouting for an ambulance.. that's not whats needed, you have to think calm and if needed break a few ribs to get it going again, they taught me that when Brandon used to have apnea's, pain is the easiest way to get a response, short of having a defibrillator on hand... Dr bennett was lovely this morning and has told me if i get any problems today to ring the surgery straight away, he will come, as my fella has to catch a bus home.. They are saying to let this period come as normal, the monitor will tape whats happening and although it will lower the blood pressure again it should also make my heart pump faster.. they dont seem to be sure yet, whats happening just that the heart is slowing down and sometimes stopping.. Gives new meaning to being unpredictable.. Noone seems to know..
I prefer to think its blood pressure.. I can help that myself.. I dont want to go back into hospital so need to feel i can help myself here..Im doing something right as im feeling much better than i was.
Ive managed to gain 3 pounds in weight which my fellas pleased about, its probably all the lemon water im holding butI wont tell him that.. I got so sick of drs telling me im underweight as they couldnt get canula's in my arms,.. am i fuck! ive always been this way, its just everyone in those places are usually obese who have dodgy hearts.. Knowing my luck they will ask me to start smoking soon as its good for me...
Call me superstitous, but ive been carrying the little heart everywhere with me that Fay gave me just before she died.. Did she know?
She gave me a purse as she said it would help me financially, and inside was a hand carved pink crystal polished heart about the size of a 50p peice.. I keep looking at it wondering why she choose to give me that.....
Funny olde world isn't it............

Hot week

2011-04-26T02:03:00.000-07:00

Its been a good couple of days, the weathers amazing so we have been entertaining in the garden and doing BBQs.. It was well needed.
Ive been taking it easy and day by day gaining some strength, im not nowhere near back yet to where i want to be, so am doing as im told for a change. My fellas panicking as im due on this week, hes not happy as he thinks it could pull me back down again, so wants me to go see a dr to get it stopped with some pills, im having the heart monitor fitted on Thursday for 5 days so if i end up in a heap again they will see whats happening, i think its a good time to come on as i know it will interfere with my blood pressure, so they need to see my bodies reaction to this..
You can't keep putting things off in life, if its gonna happen then it will..
Davids been such a gem from next door, hes been taking the boys with him all over the place which they have loved.. My fellas on a mission to burn down my house at the moment so i think secretly Davids keeping an eye out..lol We had him round for a BBQ and Firepit on Friday and my fella set fire to that, then last night when emptying the firepit he must have put hot ash in a box as lauren came through screaming fire... my god it was a bloody fire as well, the front drive was up in about 8 feet of flames, along with half of Davids shed! it was a biggy! he was hosing from his end, we were all like gnomes passing water from ours.. hes got gas canisters in there! after me last week and that last night my fellas getting pretty fast with his moving now..hehe
Im gonna have to paint the shed and the fence black now!
Its nice to have some kind of normality back here, the kids have gone back to school and my fellas at work, so ive been sitting here listening to music this morning pottering about, its lovely and quiet so im pretty peaceful. Ive got orders to get done today but then thats it.. housework is banned this week.. its my first week of being left alone so everyones a little apprehensive and helped to get the place sorted out..
I want to try and sort my hair out this morning, up til now i havent been able to, so its a long bath while i do it and the radio for the next hour for company..
Then I'll get the packing done.....
My fella took me to nanny and grandads new place on saturday, its right near anglia square but hidden.. all those years i lived on angel road i didnt know about this place. Its so beautiful, like a little communion set in an oasis. i fell in love with the place, it may be expensive but they have saved all their lives for this.. its well worth the money.
I told grandad to stop worrying about money, he should spend the lot now while they are alive and happy and he seemed to have listened! as soon as im well enough im doing photos there, its perfect for that, and the old dears are all looking forward to watching a photo shoot apparently....lol
I can get changed in nannies and enjoy the garden as i work.. Grandads developed a new lease of life up there, theres only 3 men and 40 women! he hes the hottie according to nanny.. they have a special key that takes them through an alley way straight into anglia square so when i go down now ill park there and use that.. Theres something really enchanting about secret passageways..lol

Bright

2011-04-21T03:23:00.000-07:00

Im feeling so much better this morning, my hands are warm, i actually feel like my energy's coming back! There's gotta be something in these raw vegetable drinks..Im drinking so much water at the moment and really starting to feel benefits i haven't felt before, I never did drink water, just bloody tea.Even that's changed now I do still drink some but its green tea with honey now, it costs me at least a tenner a week now in honey, even the kids are pinching the stuff...
Im growing so much stuff to eat here, its all still tiny but its coming on well, looking out there this morning i cannot help but smile, im really feeling glad to be alive today.
My fella has been totally brilliant with me, i made the mistake last night of staying up later than anyone here as i was talking to my mum online, i went through to get more water and must have shut the fridge hard as the next thing i knew was steve flying down the stairs looking totally panicked.. he said he heard a thump and thought id hit the deck again..... God if i make that sort of noise when i go down i must have been in trouble..lol
he has now from yesterday gone back to work to try and put back some kind of normality in our life.. he has been making me litres of lemon water to drink in the mornings before he goes to work bless, its like the roles reversed....... He came home last night and took me to wroxham for some chips! The drs are saying to put salt on my food at the moment and up my intake so i enjoyed eating them beside the river.. it was such a beautiful night..
Im aiming NOT to hit the deck anymore and am doing what i should have done 'a long time ago'.. it took something like last week to knock some sense into my head!
looking after that 'Ferrari'(lol..) and giving it the right fuel for a change... vitamins and iron that it doesn't seem to be able make by itself from my food... my coeliac stops me getting any nutrients from food but i can get them from fluids, so its vegetable smoothies and strange drinks in between meals.... Leading up to these attacks i was sick every day for over a month and they couldnt find out why, so that leading up with mums shocking news did tip everyone over the edge.. My heart is not damaged thankfully the hospital results are back in for that so its a big relief, its blood pressure that stopped it not a broken heart.....
Today my daughter has promised to help me with the cleaning (yet to believe it though) as i havent tackled this place in 10 days so im hoping to get 'some' done today and make some bread this afternoon.. im turning quite strange, like hugh from river cottage im wanting to make everything from scratch now and loving the results of growing my own and a simpler lifestyle... Id bloody love to be his next door neighbour... Now thats one place i would move to tomorrow....
Right time to crack on in 1st gear of course.. im not aiming for 5th just yet, just taking this at a slow pace now and seeing what the day unfolds......Id love to go to salsa tonight.. perhaps ill go and watch just to say hi to everyone...

Calmness

2011-04-20T03:39:00.000-07:00

I managed to get through ok til my fella got home last night.. Im gaining confidence now.. Its 3 clear days this morning so im really pleased..
My fella has gone to work, Ryan has gone to college, lauren is at jades and callum and Brandon are going with david at 1.. so its a stay calm day and don't overdue it Jo... Its so beautiful out there so this afternoon im gonna aim for the garden and enjoy some sunshine..
Ive got packing to do this morning which if im honest is worrying me, im not allowed to drive until the monitor is on me and theres no way i can make the post office.. so im going to take one of the boys in the shed to watch me pack and ask david to drop it off for me. The girls at the post office know whats happened so will help if they can bless...
Ive had a cheese roll, porriage, glass of beetroot juice, a vegetable smoothie and 4 pints of lemoned water which is a bloody weird breakfast but i do feel like ive got a little bit more blood in me today, my veins arent up so much on my arms either!
its just that weird constant yawning every time i get up and cold dead arms that reminds me ive got no energy to spare yet..
I want to do this today so im not scared of being left alone here..

Scared

2011-04-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

The last week has certainly brought shocks.. None of them very nice but that's life's way of smacking you across the head and letting you know nothing is ever certain..
lem went down diving with his diving buddy for lobsters, after my mum had told him not to go, and sadly now looks like he met his end to the sea.. They don't think he resurfaced, he went down along with this other chap, the boat carried on following the buoy as they usually do thinking Lem was attached to find it had been severed.. the tide was taking the boat away from where he was of course and they didn't know.
This morning at 1am 5 days after going missing his diving buoy, air jacket and anchor came to surface along with empty air tanks but still no signs of any bodies.. Its a small comfort to my mum to think that he died quickly by drowning, rather than imagining him treading water miles out to sea for days on end until he no longer had any fight left.. I really feel for her out there and hope my big sister can help her get through such a difficult time in her life.I wish i was there with her..
We may not ever know what happened to him on that dive, but inside i think that a strong current either wedged them somewhere under water so he couldn't get out, he wouldn't have ditched his chest gear otherwise especially not his life jacket un-inflated..It makes sense that he was stuck and when left with no air just went for it and ditched everything for a last minute attempt in getting up to the surface..
My mum told me when she went to live there that if she lived another 6 years with Lem out in Tobago she would die happy, they were married for 12 but shes heartbroken as they had only just got themselves sorted out with building their house and getting the boat up and operational.. she expected that she would die first because of her age.. fate has a cruel way sometimes. Lem was only 39 years old.....
Things from my end havent helped mum much either. A couple of months ago i had a day where i kept experiencing chest pain, everyone said i was overdoing it so told me to slow down,I did in some ways, but this house doesn't allow it for long, things have to carry on and bills have to be paid. I didn't get any more after that day so presumed i was just tired or coming down for something, I was worrying about my gran-parents who were then moving into sheltered housing and upset with some things that had happened.
I have always had low blood pressure so does my mum, so just put it down to that..

last Wednesday after talking to mum on the phone about lems dissapearance i experienced what i can only explain as severe burning, tight pain in my chest, i couldn't breath and had this horrible sick feeling of a burning doom rising from my chest up my neck, I was so sweaty and ill i honestly thought i was on my way out, i cannot remember anymore after that, I woke up being held by my neighbour David with him stroking my face and telling me to breath, surrounded by ambulance men it wasnt really clear what had happened to me.. Id apparently stopped breathing for more than 2 Min's.. Sometimes its worse for those who witness, I was lucky David was there, my fella was at work. david had come to collect me for work, i was supposed to be working at his sisters house that morning! Hes always so calm which was bloody good luck he was at the door when i went down and saw me hit the deck..
I was taken into A&E under blue light which to be honest i don't remember much about, all i can remember was a feeling of feeling so horribly sick. I only had that one attack that day so after 24 hours they allowed me home saying they thought it was Addison's decease.. they took bloods to test for it and said they would consult my Dr as soon as the results were back and that i could go home if i took things easy for a few days..
They didn't think it was my heart then.. but weren't sure what happened as sometimes these things happen with no reason or cure and just sort themselves out...
Within 6 hours of being home the same thing happened again, this time with my fella totally panicking as he thought i was dead in his arms..I had no heartbeat again and no breathing for about 2 Min's...... poor bugger was scared shirtless, hes never been good if i get ill as he will usually ignore me and hope it goes away quickly, but he said he had never been so scared in his life, it really shook him up having to deal with it..
I went back under blue light but within an hour of being in there i had another seizure, my fella had gone to get me some water as i hadn't been given a drink in hospital the day before.. I was so thirsty but they kept saying perhaps later, when he did get them to agree to let me drink, he came back to find me having another seizure.. it really wasn't good.
I have never been that scared in my life.. I wasn't scared of dying, the feeling and pain you get is indescribable, you feel like its the end theres nothing you can do about it, I was just scared of dying alone..
I called and called for help, holding my chest on that bed, 3 or 4 nurses looked at me but NO ONE came.. i cannot remember anymore than
They didn't help, i sat there sobbing pleading for help. One dr looked me right in the eye to then turn his back on me and sit at his work station ignoring what he had seen.... when im feeling better im purposely going up A&E to smack him one.
My fella apparently walked in as it was all happening so could see exactly that no one was there from across the ward.. The nurses only came over when he screamed at her to 'fucking do something' by that time i was fitting on the floor as id fell off the hospital bed.
I can appreciate they get drunks, drug addicts and all sorts of not nice people in there for treatment, but the way i was treated was appalling..It was one fuck up after another for 4 days solid..
I was transferred onto the heart ward for 24 hour monitoring only to find that out of the two monitors they had one was broken, the nurse said she would sort it out in the morning and that i should try and get some sleep.. my fella hit the roof and lodged a complaint saying he was taking me home if they werent capable of looking after me properly. One lady with a clipboard came down from my previous ward panicking saying how sorry she was that this had happened to me again (2nd time in 24 hours) and assured him i would be put straight on the monitor within 5 mins... it was a joke..
I don't complain, i never have done, I will walk away when needed to not cause trouble and try and sort it myself, but when its your life on the line its not funny.. I was so glad he was there to stick up for me..
I did get a monitor after about 4 hours, they just kept unplugging me every 2 hours so they could use the machine to take the rest of wards blood pressures.. and this was a heart ward!
I had 4 more seizures on friday, 2 more Saturday morning while i was unplugged and they were borrowing the machine..
I just wanted to go home......I didnt feel safe in there..
The trouble is there were 7 levels of management up there with no communication at all between each level, my notes were lost, left on a wrong ward and i wasnt given any water, the first thing that comes up with dangeriously low blood pressure is dyhydration.. its happened to me and is happening to other people too! The lady next to my bed was holding my hand along with a cleaner on my last seizure as my nurse was on her T break and the one who was covering was with another patient! that one nurse does the job on her own now that 4 nurses were filling last year.. It says it all really.......
The heart specialist was there at one milder seizure and said my blood pressure was dropping so low it was causing the heart to spasm, seize and stop which was then shutting down my brain as it was being starved of oxygen.. so at least i know what im dealing with here and will try and help myself as best i can.. its not very nice though having to sit there experiencing that pain with the dr chatting away to his understudies watching.. not one of my best armchair moments thats for sure.
I need to get through until the 28th April, so the machine i need is available for me, to tape my heart and record whats happening... The monitors at the hospital dont record, so unless the drs there watching it happen it doesnt help them enough..
I know whats happening as i can feel it, so ive turned to the Internet to help myself..
The internet holds so much valuable information that can really help you feel better...
My dr came to see me this afternoon and says whatever im doing seems to be helping, I havent had a seizure now since Sunday morning so its a really positive move for me .. I'm trying to do a little, then sit down, til i feel well enough to do a little bit more, its slow but its working.. it is my balance and the only way i can seem to hold these off. Unfortunately work doesnt stop for illness, I still had orders to pack as well as a family to look after here.. I came out of hospital to have to pack a weeks orders, if it wasnt the truth it would actually be funny...........
I honestly wondered if stopping smoking wass what had kicked this off.. my Dr said smoking raises blood pressure, which for most people isn't good news, but when you have really low blood pressure it can help and possibly raised mine enough to take me out of the danger bracket..Then again this could have all been brought on by stress, I honestly dont know....
The ironic part is i dont want to smoke, i saw people in hospital who did and who now couldnt breath.......like fay..
Ive had 3 days of drinking neat beetroot juice, raw vegetable smoothies, and drinking 6 litres of fresh lemon water, between meals per day.. and do feel better than i did when i came out of that place... Although I'm still nowhere near where i need to be yet....Id rather be here on my own than that place full of filth and understaffed wards..Im sure you would get sicker just by being there..
Tonight is the first time Ive been left here without my fella so I'm a little apprehensive.. I decided id write in here so i don't carry the worry as the boys are already arguing with each other and stressing me out so i thought this may help me ignore them, it used to help me offload many of my feelings before so hopefully tonight it will grant me the same thing and let tonight go by without ending up back in that place..
Steve has to work, hes had a week off already and missed so many important meetings.. life cannot stop because of this, the kids need feeding and life has to carry on..
I do have Ryan upstairs to help if i call, so i am gonna try and stay calm in myself so i can let him get some kind of normality back.. This place falls to bits when im not here, there's washing all down the stairs and the place looks like a bombs hit it...
The kids Mum here needs to get herself sorted out as quick as possible, the kids have no clean clothes left mum!, theres no help as usual from anyone as there isnt anyone to help..but the other side of Jo's too fucking tired to do whats needed ...its time they all started pulling some weight here..my fella is right on that account..
My mum is flying home with Julie on my birthday in may so im trying to get myself better with some kind of a diet change to hopefully get myself well for then.. if i try and take better care of myself for a change i may be able to do this..

Physical Attraction

2011-01-29T01:59:00.001-08:00

Its been a really good week. We have started swimming every other night. I'm being encouraged by my eldest lad, to do his ab workouts and i have to admit. I'm really enjoying myself.

Everyone gets to the new year and wants to change things, I'm no different there, no resolutions i wont keep just a positive attitude towards myself more and want to feel good.

Sunday I'm stopping smoking! I know this isn't going to be easy, I'm smoked since i was 15 but its a year on the 1st of Feb that my fella quit and as hes a year older than me Ive decided to follow suit. We went through the I hate everyone around me stages.. indeed he was leaving me at least 4 times a week, but hes through that now and encouraging me all the way.. My kids are the same.. I don't want them to smoke, but i did as both my parents did, so this is one family trait I'm cutting off.. If they smoke then its not because their mum and dad does.

I'm already putting into place things to do when i get 'het up', that's probably an understatement as I'm such a grumpy mare when Ive run out of ciggies..lol

Ive joined a health club.. am starting to feel confident enough to walk out of those changing rooms on my own in a bikini now (without vodka i should add) and am now up to 60 lengths of the pool. to then nearly fall asleep in the steam room as I'm knackered.

The men make me giggle as if they see a woman on her own they do kind of indiscreetly follow you in whatever room you are using. last week was the most embarrassing as i had literally nearly drifted off to sleep in the steam room to then be woken up by 4 guys all sitting opposite me gawping... cringe.. they could have been gentlemen and gone round the other side the room was empty but no.. no such luck..

I keep telling my fella I'm gonna buy an all in one swimsuit.. but he hates them and keeps telling me not to worry about other people.. he also threatened not to come swimming with me anyone if i do.. his highlight of the week is apparently seeing me in a bikini.. bless... that's love for you..

Hes caught in a dilemma at the moment as what age is it you look at yourself and think I'm happy as i am? hes gained some weight since hes stopped smoking, but is finding it really hard to get the motivation to exercise as he has a frozen shoulder. I know how painful its been for him as god knows how many nights sleep hes lost through this, but i keep telling him that it doesn't matter what shape he is. Ive been with him 17 years and actually am liking the little bit of extra, as i call it, on him..lol He loves good food and loves his red wine so as long as hes happy, i am too... I'm not exercising for anyone else, I'm doing it because i do want to stop smoking so am gonna do stuff i cant smoke when i do it.. horse riding , swimming, yoga... neither place will allow me to have a fag hanging out of my mouth but will get me equally out of breath as a packet of 20 does..........hehe

Start of the week

2011-01-24T01:37:00.001-08:00

My god January is flying by..

This week hasn't been the most amusing. I ended up last Monday being sent to the wrong funeral parlour! My poor uncle was in a state so must have in his grief gave me the wrong place.

The kids and my fella all came with me to arrive at a total strangers farewell service.. What the hell can you say to that situation..

When he came up he gave me the time and place which i wrote straight down on my calender, id arranged for the flowers to go to the undertakers but never managed to go see her off and pay my last respects.... how respectful is that to go to the wrong funeral...... it could only happen to me that's for sure.

If it didn't upset me so much it would have been amusing.. it probably was to all that heard afterwards..lol

I got home in a bit of a state as i couldn't make the other parlour in time so then gave myself a migraine worrying about it, that then turned into a face ache that lasted 6 days and nights.. oh what a week its been.

The dentist thinks being run down and tired as she called it was to blame as abscesses came up on my jaw and face, Ive had teeth trouble in the past, but never as bad as these buggers have felt. A week on scrambled eggs and soup, munching down painkillers and anti biotics trying to get through and not pull my hair out.

I am missing salsa so much. Its been nearly a year since we last went. My fella worked away for 6 months last year on a roofing and cladding job and ended up hurting his shoulder, xrays have now confirmed he has what is known as a frozen shoulder so everyday we are going swimming trying to get it to thaw.. Without the use of it he can't do salsa... so hopefully if we keep doing what we are it will heal and we can get back to dancing with our salsa friends again. he keeps telling me to go alone, but i want to dance with him, not other guys. So ill wait and hope this sorts itself out sooner rather than later.

This week its head down and back into work mode. Ive been going at it really hard for the last year working solidly on the stuff that makes them work, and indeed its going well, but i know theres more i can do so am on a mission to put my heart and soul into my business.. We haven't much of a social life at the moment so i don't mind.

My fellas doing really well, he wont do any more roofing work as it was only supposed to be 6 weeks worth. But his website building and SEO side has taken off big time, so its now going to be all that he does which means i get him at home too.. 6 months without him tells me no matter how much a pain he is, i don't like it when hes not here.. According to him i have no one to moan at so get bored..lol

Tonight I'm horse riding with my friend Mandy down the stables. Out of everything that's changed in my life that has remained constant.. Every Monday I'm feeling the wind through my hair and doing something i love very much. Mondays now are my favourite day of the week..

Welcome 2011

2011-01-05T08:07:00.000-08:00

After a much needed break I find myself here for another year, fresh hope and starting a new year.. Lets hope 2o11 brings some good stuff.

I lost a very dear friend on Christmas day, so that hit home pretty hard, so Christmas here has been a bit of a blur non entity, I felt sorry for my kids bless they had such a miserable time.

I'm looking forward to kicking up my riding and restarting salsa, its been 6 months with no dancing thanks to my fella taking a job which took him away from home for months on end.. To top that were still waiting to be paid for it! Christmas came early for this guy..

Ive really missed my salsa and hope the new year brings some sunshine now..

It was a year of operations, illnesses, work work work while juggling a house full of teenage hormones triplets who don't like each other very much and the hope that they would for once clean their bedrooms... Welcome back to life in the madhouse!

Its been too long since Ive been the brown eyed girl.. I feel more like the black eyed one looking at the bags under them this week...

I'm hoping i can change that now and enjoy a new year..

Ive missed my friends........

Happy Birthday Noel

2010-12-06T05:00:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday Noel..

We are still recovering from Saturday!

Have a great day..

xxx

Happy Birthday Steve!

2010-06-30T02:12:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Steve!

I know you can't be with us mad lot today, but we will be thinking of you..

Dont get too sunburnt up on them roofs and try and enjoy the peace and quiet (at you dont get any here do you!)... lol

The weekend will soon be here and then we can celebrate..

No doubt you'll be hitting those pubs tonight with Liam so enjoy.....

This is your year now.. so lets see how much fun we can make it!

xxxxxxxxxxx

Sunshine Feeling

2010-06-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

Its been a really good day today. Ive managed to get everything done I needed to do and the suns shining beautifully.. what more could i wish for.

Last night I went riding with my friend Mandy. Its becoming my favourite time of every week now, I'm still totally crap at it, but enjoying the giggles thoroughly.

Phil our instructor has one hell of a sense of humour so gives me tiny horses to ride in a class full of huge ones so its a bit like noddy in with giants, (imagine me trying to sit on a milkshake maker as that's pretty accurate). My arse never stops being sore and I'm constantly making little winging noises when i sit down..lol

We've been doing a lot of work behind the scenes in my website which has been pretty testing as we added a brand new database so I'm trying to learn on my feet here and take over where my fella left off. He decided to go back to sheeting and cladding and started a new job just over a month ago, so is working away from home. Hes loving the work and getting strong again after stopping smoking for good. I'm loving the healthy sun tanned face and arms.. the rest of him is Lilly white, but at least i can see him in the dark :)

This week Ive given myself several goals to get done, including get my fella into a fancy dress costume when he gets back! we've been invited to our friends fancy dress party on Saturday but already he keeps telling me he doesn't want to dress up! its a different story when guys want us to isn't it ......lol

Anyway Ive had some time out got over several hurdles and find myself richer inside for the journey, I hope I'm more patient, grateful Ive got some good people around me and happy to wake up feeling so alive again.

Its so good to be back online and reading up on what everyone's doing, i never realised how important the blogging community is to my day... its been the rainbow through those rainy days...

Grow your own in a thunderstorm

2010-06-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

Today has been totally inspiring. Ive potted that many pepper , tomato, courgettes and herb plants outside you can hardly see the floor. I'm totally drenched as yes i got caught in the thunderstorm but hey who cares, its been a brilliant day!

Things have completely changed in my house. There's a balance to everyday life i hadn't felt in a while, the kids are happy, my fellas happy and yes.. even I can say I'm happy.. whats going on!

My fella recovered from his operation very quickly. Its given him a new lease of life and brought a sparkle back to his eyes, hes working away from home at the moment but I'm quite enjoying the challenge of getting everything done everyday, I'm finding myself singing away as the day goes on more and more now.. and standing by my new rule of getting out of the house for some me time everyday..

My dads funeral wasn't a pleasant experience but it also did me good.. We all build up situations in our minds eye of how people see and value us, but no matter what i thought reality smacked me straight in the head when we weren't even acknowledged at his funeral, people move on we all have to accept that, i have... I understand the saying better now about cruel and kind coming together, it did that day and hurt hard but looking back its also allowed me to move on and not look backwards anymore..yesterday was just that its what I'm planning to do with tomorrow I'm concentrating on now... im planning a sky dive but havent told my fella yet so 'ssssssshhhh' please... hes been telling me all week im begining to be my mad self again so ill wait til i spring that one on him...

The weathers been that glorious Ive spent most of my time either out, doing stuff with the kids, gardening and of course riding, its been the best month Ive had in a long while. Sometimes you just need some time out....

My sense of humour seems to be coming back with a vengeance.. (at everyone else's expense of course) I'm eating healthily and trying to get myself back into shape so i can get some photos done, there was a time there where peering into the fridge late at night was becoming a habit so Ive hid all the chocolate and have just got through my first week with no sugar!... to me its as good as smoking in my garden but just as bad for me, so ive decided id take on the bad boys one at a time and see what i can reduce them too..

I do love the thought of giving those bad boys a run for their money...

Greyson Chance Singing Paparazzi

2010-05-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

RIP Dad..

2010-04-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

March has come and gone and been another tough month, we are still awaiting my fellas operation which is going to happen on the 18th so its not long to go. Things have been pretty much the same here, rollercoater days and sleepless nights thrown in for good measure. One minute hes leaving the next hes not, im not sure anymore if im coming, going or just been......

Today i had some devasting news, my fella came home from his sisters with a newspaper and told me that i had better sit down and read it, we dont buy newspapers but his sister realised what had happened and kept it for me.. Tonight im really thankful that someone considered enough about others to do that..
It was news of my dad, he died last week .......

To say im devasted is an understatement........ and trying to understand why i had to read it by tabloid, hes my dad for christ sake, why did noone tell me? everyone thought someone else had done it, so they simply left it to whoever, whoever turned out to be the eastern evening news.. which tonight has made the pain even more painful...

Preparing for Spring

2010-03-04T04:46:00.001-08:00

Its been one of the hardest months ive ever experienced, that's why i couldn't write in here, nothing nice would have come out of my head, there literally wasn't anything in there!

Ive knuckled down accepted the fact its just one of those times of my life that im feeling pretty frustrated so just got on with work.. boring as it may sound, its what i needed to do.

My fellas feeling in pretty bad shape, hes gained a lot of weight since we stopped dancing and has like me put everything on hold. We have been waiting for his operation to come through which did, but when down in theatre they decided its much more complicated than they first thought so they have sent him home to await a bigger op hopefully by the end of this month... I do really feel for him at the moment, hes also not the easiest person to live with either as he stopped smoking also last month so tends to pick holes in just about everything i say or do........oops lol

I keep telling myself its just a phase and i know id be much worse, but im having to bite my tongue quite a bit so i don't bite back ! im the most placid person walking planet earth most of the time, but if i do i lose it (which thankfully i don't ) i will make sure they get the point.. instead im muttering away under my breath, and keeping as far away as i can, that way no one hears me talking to myself either (I have noticed im starting to answer myself though, which is rather worrying)...hehe

The good news my fellas health problem can be cured and sorted out, so once his bigger operation is done, he can get back to feeling good again and start dancing and getting out, so hopefully we can get back to having some kind of life soon..

Whats been happening in between work? are you ready for this? nothing...........................

I haven't (apart from riding) been out of the house at all since xmas, i desperately miss my friends and social life, as i find myself daily repeating the same old jobs here, for the kids to then come home and wreck within the hour, i give up trying to house train them and just kid myself its my job, although my eldest has been really good, hes growing up lovely and turning into someone i like spending time with.. the 'whatever' stage is slowly going, the sense of humour is growing by the day and somehow hes managing to keep up with his diploma and schooling even though he only had 1/3rd of lessons that the other students have, so good for him...

Watching whats happened to my fella, has put me off from stopping smoking, ive cut down drastically which im pleased about, but i really don't want to turn into a grump like he has been either, so im still smoking but only when i need one, and just ignoring his comments through the glass door when i do, as yes Steve i CAN lip read!.. :)

He says its the hardest thing hes ever done and i can see it really is, so its a credit to him thats hes done it, but now hes done this hes decided he can do anything! so is weeding the garden of life ready for spring.......what he means is, anything hes not happy with in his life at the moment hes getting rid of ! I nearly got thrown out with last weeks weeds, but he decided i wasnt so bad afterall and changed his mind.....lol

Im used to a guy that is as kind and as chilled as they come, so its been rather eye opening, seeing the worm thats turned !! I do agree in some areas of this though, its positive that hes changing what he doesnt like, its just all happened overnight with this personality change that came with the not smoking anymore.. he smells nicer im sure, but im not getting in close to find out, im staying behind the line here and minding my own business..hehe

For the first 2 weeks i got shut the F*** up every time i said anything... and then 'Go to bed then if you dont like it' for the next 2, so its been a bit of a roller coaster on my sense of humour track..

This week things seem much better, hes been working from home and seems more like the guy i know again, Ive had cuddles when i didn't expect, quite a few nice things said, and not one 'shut the f*** up yet', so I'm on a roll !.................yipeeeeeeeeeeee

Riding has been my sanity, since Jacks throwing me up against a wall episode, i didn't quit, instead ive been trying week by week to rebuild some confidence, it seems to be working as im enjoying the riding more than ever and looking forward all week to getting there. Sometimes going back to basics brings you forwards in ways, that's kind of how i feel at the moment with life in general, i have to go backwards to be able to move forwards now..

The positive side is ive done no end of work, which is really good, weve built a directory which im now working on populating and am trying new ideas out. Because im stuck indoors my head seems to be screaming to be creative, to keep myself smiling.

Im often working away here, not realising im still working, which has got to be good for the business, I haven't spent this amount of time so focused in years, so although its not been the best month for the soul and feeling happy, it is helping in ways the business should hopefully see the benefits of later...

Im just sitting here waiting for spring to come. So i can spring back to life like the tulips and spring blooms do.. at the moment im buried in muck and feeling pretty hemmed in..

Ive been keeping up with every ones blogs which have been my morning ritual with my cuppa and reading all your exciting stuff that's been happening... thank you for the morning smiles guys.. Im going to invest in one of Roses books soon and hopefully start reading again..

Im also taking the plunge next week and getting Dayle over to dye my hair, ive thought for weeks about changing the hair colour, so next week im going to do it..

I already know the answer now to, 'do blondes have more fun?' (the answer for Feb is a definite NO) so I'm gonna try March in a different shade ....and join the darker side of life

I need to.. if i carry on like this by May ill probably have no Bloody hair left anyway, so what the hell..lol

I may as well give it a go while ive still got some....

Right time for a ciggy...............................hope hes not looking ! lol

Back from Hibernation

2010-01-30T01:16:00.000-08:00

After taking some time out, i feel much better in myself.. Quite a bit has happened which i will fill you all in about as i go day to day now.. sorry i wasn't in if you knocked guys..

Where do i start? Christmas was fine, it was quiet and peaceful (ish) my fella and me laid low and enjoyed some time with the kids. I bought one of those Wii games which has managed to keep them entertained,with a fit plus board for me and Steve to get some exercise with.. still the kids manage to beat me with it though, i didn't think i was that un-fit..

The new year has brought so much work, we don't have to do it no, but i want this year to be different and need to get down and dirty to get it, so many nights when we would of been out salsa'ing we've both been working away, hes worse than me and has thrown himself into it, although its not easy at times, i know why hes doing it so try to make the best of everyday and anytime we get together.

Riding has been a blast, I'm still managing to go every week as even when my fellas working, my eldest sits for the rest so that parts good, Phil has taken over our classes and managed to make every week exciting for us all, 3 weeks ago i had my first fall.. and boy it was a cracker, he was giving me the smaller horses to ride as he said my size allowed me to ride both, but as you lot all know me i didn't feel safe on the smaller ones and felt too close to the floor so i asked him for Jack back for a night.. The dreaded black horse who's always in a bad mood..lol

Trouble is i love the horse and rode him alot last year.. well to cut a long story short he was beautifully behaved for me all night cantering round and everything, until the last part of the lesson where he cantered down the straight bucking all the way down :( i managed to stay on for most of it, but he threw me up against the bottom wall .. i did get back on him as i know if i didn't it would cause problems, but he started again, so i changed horses for the rest of class, what i didn't realise is id caught my sciatic nerve and couldn't stand up when it was time to get off.. so i spent a week hobbling around with my fella taking the mickey.. talk about black and blue! it comes with the territory so something i have to get used to.

Ive been back since and loved it just as much as Ive always done, Jack has managed to scare me though which is something i need to work on..

Our salsa has suffered badly as my fella also needs an operation, he was struggling towards the end of last year but thankfully is booked in for Feb/March, once hes had his operation i know hell be back and firing on all cylinders, i really miss my friends there and salsa..

Having said that tonight is the salsa party at the Staithe.. Ive been sulking most of the week as i thought my fella had to work all weekend. His partner is away on holiday so my fella has to send off the data every night for him, i was so pleased when he said he didn't have to work this weekend, it means we can go to the party and hopefully once Mark is back restart salsa again..

Its been a bit like hibernation here, January hasn't been much fun, but in my fellas words, its cold anyway so e may as well work now and take some time off in summer...lol that's his way of getting me to think positive.. which strangely works most times.

I am really looking forward to spring now though.. so who ordered more white stuff this morning?

There are lots i want to do this year, I'm learning day to day what i need to do to get there and putting just enough in to keep myself sanish...

The kids are getting older now, everything slotting into place with them and thankfully calmed down, so perhaps this year my blog will have some of those good things in it..

We will see......

Dance Cuban Christmas Party 2010

2009-12-18T02:17:00.000-08:00

Do you think im putting on weight? my fellas face says i am, either that or i sat on something i shouldnt have.......
Its snowing heavy all the roads are slippery as hell and what were a mad bunch of salsa addicts all doing?
1. Tucked up in the warm with hot chocolate?
2.Watching the snow from the windows making lots of ahh sounds in the comfort of their warm homes!
3. Wrapping gift to put under the tree?
DONT BE DAFT.....
We were at the Dance Cuban
Christmas party of course!! hehe
Sharon stole the show with her beautiful dress and was looking totally gorgeous, you should have seen the place when she did her belly dancing..omg was that something else

It was a brilliant night!
Everyone was in such good spirits, especially Richard who seemed to have had plenty of spirit inside him already and was cracking everyone up with his speach...
We had some of the best dancers there from around the country.

We started the night with a lovely sit down meal which i must say was brilliant, the service was so fast and the food was lovely, it was my first gluten free xmas dinner out so one ill remember..

Richard came down from London especially to be part of it and started the party off in style by warming everyone up! All the best dabcers were there Jackie, Nad, Richard, Jose not to mention Sexy Sasha! I have to call him that as all the girls do... and boy cant you see why....... (white shirt ladies...)
All the guests were up and shimmeeing away filling both dance floors..

The music was brilliant as soon as timba came on my fella was up, its fast and addictive and never fails to have everyone up on their feet.

Everyone in the Staithe last night will agree it was another of those never forget party nights, Richard you always know how to throw the best of them..
I'm still slightly hung over so am taking the day slower than usual, i also have the triplets off from school due to the snow to help today, so i can tell them all about it and stick on some music while i work..

Our good friends brought us back some rather special chocolate from Amsterdam from their trip, that i must keep away from the children so tonight I'm going to eat that and make a total hash of the gift wrapping..

But as you can see from my half of the pictures it was worth braving the snow to get to this party..
I'm sure Angela's photos will all say the same thing...

Thanks guys for a hell of a brilliant night, and book us in for next years!
The place was packed so everyone knew how good last years was and this years wasn't any different

My fellas got to have an operation in the new year and as soon as that's done , salsa will become a big part in our lives again.
We've met some wonderful people who we now are lucky to call our friends and are part of something very special..

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
See you all New Years Eve to do it all again..................

The X Factor 2009 - Joe McElderry: Sorry Seems To Be - Live Show 8 (itv.com/xfactor)

2009-11-29T00:47:00.001-08:00

The X Factor 2009 - Joe McElderry: Could it Be Magic - Live Show 8 (itv.com/xfactor)

2009-11-29T00:41:00.001-08:00

Joe stole the show for me last night.
Love this song and his voice.
I did want olly to win but ive changed my mind over the last 2 weeks, this little guys getting better and better.
Joe to win.......

Sunshine and Clouds

2009-11-24T00:59:00.000-08:00

Its been a blurred few weeks, I haven't blogged as i simply haven't had anything good to write, Its all been work for me and being ill , so I'm now on a mission to sort myself out. I missed riding and salsa so badly, but by the time evenings get here i wasn't in any fit shape to do either, so its been a time Ive also reflected on whats important to me and how i can change things for the better to find a happy balance of what i love and have some kind of life back.

Its started when my fella sat me down to speak to me, i was getting pretty down even when i wouldn't admit it to myself, so many changes and balls to juggle it seemed like a never ending pit of 'need to do' stuff.. He was constantly working away so i was trying to help the kids with homework as well as run a business, i was ashamed to call mine...

I decided i wanted to change my website so have now started to do just that, im really enjoying this side of it and its bringing back the reasons why i love it so much, its part of me and always has been, over the last few years Ive had much of my fellas influence involved with my business, as he used to work on the roofs and got to the point he couldn't do it anymore, part of it was his good friend falling off and dying in front of his son, it hits home, they had 4 kids just like us, so it could have been me getting a call just like Simon's wife did. The other part was it was such a physical job and a fit mans world, he would come home soaked through to the skin and be so physically exhausted theres only so much of that a person can take and although the money was good he paid for it in many ways....

We decided then whatever he wanted to do, we would take the steps needed and indeed the risk, and he would learn a new career. Partly as i was treated so crap by several so called website builders and SEO people, he started on his journey of learning all what he could in that field.

The last 30 months has gradually been a build up of the workload hitting heights non of us imagined, we work all day and feed the kids then out come those laptops and off we go again, the lights always on here, regardless if its 4am..its no way to live though.....

I used to moan and feel if I'm honest a bit left out, i didn't understand his new world, but knew the things he was learning would be invaluable both to him and me, so we persevered and found ourselves living on my income for the last 2 years which meant things were a real struggle here, the kids never moan and always tell me i work too hard, but for them i would do anything so you try to smile and be strong for them, sometimes it wasn't easy though.

i tried to look on it as a new future and new adventure but when you are trying to hold up a home with 4 growing kids in it, its not cheap..

My aunt has been i have to say, my guardian angel... shes helped me through thick and thin and is always here for me on those days i wake up feeling exhausted before i even start, she knows just by the tone of my voice when i need help and always manages to make me see some positive in everything, that part of me i felt was lost somewhere buried in the mountain of where was my life heading and how can i get back on track?

I listened when my fella needed to talk, tried to tell him it wasn't him when everyone around him called him stupid and told him to go get a paid job... but we are now coming out of the other side of the cloud, its been one hell of a journey and although Ive had some challenges in my time, I think apart from when the triplets were born too early and the stress and worry we both felt, this chapter in my life comes a close second..

It all came to a head over November as i spent week after week being riddled with migraines as my head simply couldn't shut down, i was asking it questions no one had answers to, including myself... I know now why they call us dizzy blondes........ I slotted into that category perfectly......

Now hes gone off into the big wide world on his new venture things are starting to make sense again, he wont be second best at anything, so has learnt his new job inside out just as i hoped he would... We were living off what takings i took through my site and stock levels were hitting the floor, theres nothing worse than watching something good, disappear slowly like that, i have worked my arse off and worked on this site for nearly 10 years, its my baby yet i felt like it was being strangled......

Over the last couple of weeks, Ive managed to start again in regards of my work, i have found a part of me i thought id lost and wake up again excited about whats to come, the stock room is looking amazing again and has huge promise as everything she takes goes back into her again now so everyday when i wake up i think myself lucky that my fella learns quickly and somehow through all this there was light at the end of the tunnel..

I finally started back riding last night, but for the first time i felt my nerves a little uneasy, would the horse pick up on what i was feeling and was this going to be my rude awakening , but thanks to some bloody good people up there and my teacher Phil they have managed to restore my confidence and i came home totally happy.. My fella had cooked me a surprise meal which was an amazing steak in pepper sauce and I sat there fat and happy, like the cat who got the cream,with the biggest smile on my face and felt something i havent felt in a while 'contentment'..

Tonight we are bribing the kids with a video and getting some salsa tracks on, we both really miss our friends there especially Sharon and Richard as the whole salsa world had become part of us, we have both forgotten our moves so are going to make a start tonight and practise here, hopefully we can rejoin our class again on Thursday and start to find some kind of normality and balance back..

The best part is my fellas partner has now been handed the keys to his new place, so they now have an office that's a stones throw away, and for the first time last night, in i would say over a year my fella came home without his laptop ! Its his new rule of the house and was promised when he said about this new office.. It means no more weeks of working away, just an occasional trip when needed, and my fella and me back on that road of learning to be Steve and Jo again ..

We have had to make big sacrifices and part of it meant we lost ourselves there for a while, but just like my website when i look at her everyday now, its all looking so much better and exciting ..

The futures bright and starting to bring the feeling, that this has all been worth it........

Now we just have to listen to ourselves and dig out that part of us the work load burried..

It takes a cloudy season to make you appreciate, just how good that sun feels when it shines on you doesn't it?

Hopefully now i will have some good stuff to share on here again with my friends too...

WWW.J-LOU.COM

The X Factor Olly Murs Show 4 (Rock Week) - Come Together

2009-11-01T01:23:00.001-07:00

He was the best of the boys for me.. This totally rocks !

The X Factor 2009 - Stacey Solomon - Live Show 4 (itv.com/xfactor)

2009-11-01T01:17:00.001-07:00

I thought she did so well.. Love the Keane song and loved her performance..

Halloween

2009-10-31T00:58:00.000-07:00

Its been a strange couple of weeks, ive hardly seen my fella as his work has taken him away from home quite a bit, by the time weekends get here we are both too tired to do anything so its just been a 'get through period of our lives'.

Last week my eldest was struck down with swine flue so it meant a week of being shut indoors with the triplets all having to stay off school too. I dont think they minded that much though as it meant half term in our house started a week early !

I can say whole heartedly i am so looking forward to next week and them all going back to school, ive been trying to keep them entertained so started to decorate the first bedroom which is the boys, but it was a bigger job than i had antisipated and im still not finished.. theres clothes all along the upstairs hall and paint tubs all around my bathroom...

I understand where they were coming from now when they say a womans work is never done ~ thats so true.

It was amusing though to give 3 kids a 5 litre tin of undercoat and say get on with it, they certainly had a good go.

I did manage to get to riding Monday which was lovely, Phil decided he would make me look like Noddy for a night so along with 3 huge other horses and their riders i was allocated a pony ! yep.. To say i felt embarrassed was an understatement, im small but this little one was tiny, i felt so mean and thought id squash her.

The reason was explained to me though as this little pony used to be used by the kids in classes and has such a free spirit, she takes off at night and escapes the stables (several times) she just decides shes going for a walk and is then usually found miles away, she was also showing her wilder side in the kids classes and was bolting off, leaving the kids either on the floor or scared stupid, so the poor thing isnt being used in their schooling at the moment.

As i was small they asked if i would ride her in my class to gently break her back in as she hadnt been rode for 6 months, if she starts getting used to it again the kids will be able to smother her with love and affection and have her back in their classes, we know shes always everyones favourite because of her character, so i went along with it..

To say she gave me the ride of my life was an understatement!

I have never been that fast on a horse/pony in my life.. my exact words as they told me to canter her round, i cannot say here but lets just say i was swearing rather loudly and laughing my head off ! She was like a mad thing and didnt want to stop! her ears and head were way up and she seemed to really be enjoy herself ~ so was i if im honest.

I went home smiling and although everyone was giggling about it i went to sleep happy.

I get days like that where you just want to run and keep going as fast as you can, it just goes to show it doesnt matter about your size, its whats inside that spirit that allows you do the things you love, isnt it? I hope i get her again, i dont care that we looked like Noddy and Big Ears in with a group of giants, between us we both had a great time and i think ive got over my phobia of not liking to ride the little horses.. she showed me just how much fun ive been missing..

Tonight as its halloween and all the kids are well and happy we are going out trick or treating. Every year my lot all dress up and get so excited, so this week i got them all brilliant costumes and will join in with the fun.Last years mistake of jumping out wearing a witch costume when someone knocked on my door wont happen again (it was one poor little girl standing there all on her own) who i managed to scare the crap out of, she was running down my drive screaming for her mother, who by that time was in hysterics laughing her head off (that was so cruel i know) it must be a mum thing.

But i didnt know she was on her own i promise! all night the local kids were banging on the door and winding me up as much as possible with eggs, so i just thought it was be amusing to give some halloween sprit back.. god did that backfire on that poor little girl.. I bet she wont be back this year!

Im making toffee apples with my fella this afternoon, so have to pay a visit to tescos for some sugar and apples. I'll post the photos of tonight, cook a nice meal and enjoy a night of ghostly festives with the kids...

It will all stop at 8pm anyway here as its X Factor night.. and its my time.......

The X Factor 2009 - Jamie Archer - Live Show 2 (itv.com/xfactor)

2009-10-18T01:57:00.001-07:00

This guy has me spellbound...
I felt every word of this song..
Love him......

The X Factor 2009 - Olly Murs - Live Show 2 (itv.com/xfactor)

2009-10-18T01:52:00.001-07:00

Talk about giving everyone that feel good factor..
What a brilliant performance...
Noones moved their groin like that since Elvis..lol

Hello Again

2009-10-14T03:55:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since Ive been able to find myself and start to write again, you know when you have so much flying round up there, that you cant quite manage to put everything in order? well that sums my head up to a T...

I'm feeling much brighter now thankfully, have been a good girl and am taking the pills, which seem to be keeping the blackouts at bay, so I'm thankful for that, at least i don't rattle for nothing ! :)

Ryan seems to be settling back into school life nicely again, we are managing to keep up with the home tutoring and he seems to be much better in himself, it went on from all that crap straight into my fella working all hours and the new stock run, so its been pictures, editing, working and falling in a heap..

I have managed to get to riding which i have to say is the one thing that's kept part of me sane, i took Lauren this week so the pictures and videos are thanks to her. If you notice Phil is leading me out, do you know why? Jack is so thoughtful and likes to make a quick dash exit usually leaving his riders in the large pile of horse manure as a thank you....hehe Told you i get all the badly behaved horses didn't i ! its s good job i like bad boys.............

Christmas is fast approaching and boy am i panicking !

I'm starting to feel better in myself but needed some time out to get myself together, wash my hair and start again, if that makes sense, i feel more like my old self now and cant wait to get back to everything.

The new stock is in theres still as some to go in but somehow we managed to lose the photos, so as my fellas away again tomorrow until Friday, I'm hoping we can finish up so i can get back into my work with enthusiasm again by the weekend..

I had so much to say but it was all so negative and i didn't want to depress you all when reading it, somehow it all manages to sort itself out and calm down doesn't it...

Here's to hopefully no more weeks like the last few......

Anyway the good part of my week so far has been my horses.. This week Kevin's away on the start of his 3 week holiday so we got Phil to take the lessons, hes been brilliant and managed to pull out of the bag one of the best lessons Ive ever had.. talk about sore legs today !

Anyway i hope you like the pictures, I'm riding Jack again (who i am loving to bits) we did the lesson without stirrups and i learnt to rise and trot and canter without them, it was really good..

Although I'm paying for it at the moment and taking plenty of hot baths.......hehe

Will be back to normal now and come to see you guys every day..xxx

Back to my Virtual Life

2009-09-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

Slowly things are settling down this end, its been nothing but worrying, police interviews and various things ive needed to sort out, the good news is hopefully its getting settled, my son after 2 attempts to get him back to school actually came home yesterday smiling.. that is such a relief..

He went back to his limited new classes Monday only to walk into 4 of the brick throwers in his new class of 8 so as you can imagine it wasnt pleasant, he did me proud and held his head up even though they really were being total thugs, thankfully one call to the headteacher in disgust hes swiftly sorted that out, hes now been moved in with his best friends and is feeling much more settled, theres only so much you can ask a lad to put up with.. Even i was losing my temper!

Im still pursuing the other avenues of tuition though which have been advised to look at and its looking bright, im also waiting for my response from the board of governers to see where this so called 'anti bullying' and ' every childs entitled to an education' things about ~ we havent seen much of that from any count. Hopefully someone will answer some questions..

The lovely lad whos given my family so much grief decided he would press charges on my fella for going after him ~ isnt the world such a lovely place sometimes, he did try really hard to cause so much upset and indeed has given me so much grief but he didnt win.. lies always come out in the end like i tell my kids .. so i still believe that honesty is the best policy ...

This weeks been a bit of a strange one, I went riding on Monday to try and get rid of some frustration i was feeling and thankfully the horses came through for me again, this week i got a huge white horse called 'Ice' for my jumping lesson, I nearly sh8t myself ~ how the hell i managed to get him to jump, ill never know, but i came home feeling much more confident for going and alot happier inside ..even if i couldnt walk so well the next day ! :)

Today was my day to spend in hospital ~ as i had to cancel my last appointment so they rescheduled it for today and told me not to miss it , its not something i was looking forward to, but over the last few months Ive had bouts of blacking out and dizziness (see i am a genuine dizzy blonde!) without any alcohol involved too, so i had to get it checked out..

After spending a few hours being shaken like a cocktail, having hot water poured down my ears and eyes squirted while wearing the strangest of blackout camera goggles on my eyes.. they discovered that my balance sensors are not working like they hoped, one side seems to go to sleep when it wishes, which is when i start doing my 'shes gotta be pissed routine' they do think its all connected with the migraines i get, and they are what is causing the system to shut down, so Ive been given some new drugs to try so will wait and see whats next.

My doctor thought as much and knew of one other lady that had the same symptoms, sadly she wasn't diagnosed until she was walking home from a club one night on her own and had blacked out in a shop door, people were all walking past her thinking she was on drugs or drunk and took no notice, she was found in the morning beaten up... so I'm thankful that i did get to make today in better shape.. theres always a positive somewhere...

Ive been a guinea pig for years, trying just about every new drug out for these migraines, but sometimes it ends with a cyclamorphine jab in what arse i have, and put to sleep... you've heard of people opening their front doors looking worse for wear right? well Ive been there, done that, and forgotten all clothing including my t-shirt .. thank god it was a friend at the door that's all i'll say......hehe

They are made worse when I'm stressed (isn't that part amusing) my life like most peoples is full of the stuff ~ i have 4 kids, a fashion business to run and a fella that's a workaholic .... but i wouldn't change any of it for the world... I look on the migraines now as my shut downs, when i need to stop they always seem to appear, and make me do what I'm told for a change...

Vodka gives me bad headaches too, the only difference is, I get a little dancing done in between falling on the floor and the headache :)

Tonight I'm knackered, I'm left with not much sense today (as you can all read), i feel sick extremely not right and have to go for new stock tomorrow ! so I'm going to be a good girl and go to bed early.. before i become a nuisance..
As usual ............

Im looking forward to tomorrow..... It should be a good day...

Need Help

2009-09-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

I've just been to pick up my sons school timetable today.. to say im worried is an understatement..

Hes got Wednesdays and Fridays at College on his Business diploma but this is what classes the school has given him for the normal GCSE's..... 6 lessons out of 15..

Does anyone have any advice? or know where i can get the books to help him in English and Maths?( im crap at english so will do this with him to help us both) .. These are all the classes the school is saying are available on the 3 days hes there,they are not even at the levels he was at, but perhaps thats a good thing.

Im willing to do whatever it takes to help here, but all the Xs are where he's got nothing on and has to come home to study, the library periods he has to go sit and study by himself as its in between 2 classes and he wont get back in time if he comes home... its a bit empty isnt it?

Now i bet that white streak in my hair gets bigger...

Ive heard of fighting for education but im going to need boxing gloves to help him out here....

Rabbit Caught in the Headlights

2009-09-25T00:04:00.000-07:00

To say Ive been feeling a mess the last few days is an understatement...as much as i hate to admit it i was so out of my depth..

Im always up for having a go at things and like to live life as much as i can, but theres some parts of it that i don't understand or deal with so well. The law is one of them, i don't break it so never really had dealings with it...When i was with Geoff i had to call them out a lot but the ambulance usually followed suit and people were always there to help with that side of it, i didn't have to do anything really, just get away from him..

With the help of two of my friends over the last 2 days , Ive managed to wake up today feeling so much more positive in myself. I actually slept like a baby and feel like Ive got some energy today.

Because things were complicated and bad i wanted to hide under the duvet and hope it was all just a bad dream, sadly the nightmare was still there in daylight..

I was referred to yesterday as a frightened rabbit caught in the headlights (thank you.lol) but that's pretty accurate if I'm honest.. I was frightened and totally confused to what i should do, where to start or who i could talk to, the police matter Ive been trying to deal with has had me banging my head up against the wall, Ive shed more tears this week than i have in years.. but at least i can see clearer today..so that's a positive..

The good part is today i know where to go and who to talk to now. I have a list I'm working through to get our lives back on track here and in regards of my sons education I'm going to fight this all the way.. hopefully also regain some kind of inner peace for us both..

The basic story went as i described in my other blog, except the thug in question is pressing charges on my fella for assaulting him.. the stories changed so much over 4 days that i cant recognise most of it anymore, I'm sick of writing statements, very concerned statements that were made have disappeared and was scared that the policeman i was given was good friends with the thugs dad and was telling me all about him but wanted me to drop just about everything..................... its not a good situation to be in is it?

They are well known around here as a group that likes to rule the land and both have long histories of breaking just about every law going. the youngest is just 15 so of course he cant be locked up but the older body building brother should be and so should all the thugs that terrified me on Friday, why should i just leave it , they will do this to someone else........ they have already started !

Somehow through all this shit I'm hoping the law will prevail, but i had to deal with this officer first so i can now hopefully get some justice sorted out, the first lad was arrested last night but its not what i wanted to do, i had no choice as this family wants to make my family look like the guilty party.. its not right.

My sons education has been messed up beyond recognition now hes still off school for his own safely and yet the thug is back in class and already picking on another lad, my sons best friend.. what a little arsehole.. whatever are his parents like? Ive already seen the brother and hes bad enough.

Today i start that long list of trying to get this mess sorted out..

Ive wrote to the people above the school now as my sons 3 days at school have been cut to nothing... he shouldn't have been the one who had to move out of a class because he was being bullied surely! why? because this schools anti bullying policies and measures for the diploma are crap...

Anyone who reads this, if you have teenage kids and they are thinking of doing the diploma please look into it more deeply, the government have spent thousands pushing this as the new qualification to go for, my lad had to beat quite a few pupils and undertook 3 interviews to get on it, yet they stick all the kids, regardless of grades into an overspill class and that's where our problems started, they are forced to try and study with kids that don't give a shit about school who stabbed him in the head with compasses all through class, bricked my windows and threaten to stab him next, all in front of the so called teachers and its allowed...

These lads took work experience so they could get 2 days out of school and are proud to say that... Ive lost my respect for the so called head teacher who was too busy to attend an important meeting with me as he was playing squash in school hours? whats happened to Great Britain...

Not so great anymore is it...............

I had just finished signing a statement last night when i got a phone call from another lads mother in my sons class, she was crying her eyes out, her son had come home from school yesterday in tears, the same bullies are not doing exactly the same thing to him... so shes expecting what i got Tonight.... its not fair this should be stopped..

Anyway whatever the outcome, I'm not going to go away quietly anymore, I'm going to keep going, i have to... for my kids future.

Ive always told them to be good and that good wins over bad and I'm lucky that i do have 4 good kids whom i love more than life, but for the first time in a long while Ive got to deal with it alone..

My fellas not here to bail me out of help with this so Ive put my positive G string on today and am setting out to get this done..

Thanks to the help yesterday i don't feel so frightened today...

Still here

2009-09-23T12:47:00.000-07:00

Just to let you all know i am still here....
Its been a nighmare of a week, so much shit keeps coming , i dont know how i feel tonight...except so tired with it all, its really got me down tonight, im blaming the headache gel and telling the kids im not crying, its that..
Ill fill you all in tomorrow ~ but tonight i just need to go to bed and hope tomorrows better.
My fellas away til saturday and im glad, im glad he hasnt had to listen to all the lies this week, One of us feeling like this is bad enough, i dont want him to have to, hes a good man and doesnt deserve the shit one little thug and its family is giving us..
Goodnight all, forgive me if i sound rude, im just really done in and totally dissapointed with it all.
Ive brought my kids up to respect and care and what we are surrounded by here is nothing but thugs...
will talk tomorrow..........

Emergencys

2009-09-19T00:43:00.001-07:00

Last night my fella arrived home, to say i was pleased was an understatement, We just wanted a quiet night in so we could catch up on whats been happening both ends ~ if only life was that simple....

I have wrote previously about the group of yobs that my eldest son is having to put up with in his classes outside of this diploma thing and now i can see exactly what hes having to put up with..

I was upstairs in my sons room sorting out when we could hear a gang of lads outside our house, looking out i could see there was about 8 of them at the time, i could hear them saying things about our lad and heard one lad say ill stab the bastard! then all of a sudden a huge brick gets thrown at our car window and they all run off... I shouted down to my fella and we both went outside, thankfully the window didn't smash but there was brick everywhere it had smashed into 4 or 5 bits and was all over the bonnet, my fella being my fella is having non of it, once my eldest son told him what this so called lad had been threatening to stab him at school in class today too, that was it ~ into the car he went with Ryan to go find them....

At this point i picked up the phone and dialed 999 ~ I was explaining on the phone to the lady what was happening and she had promised me a squad car was on its way, meanwhile my fella comes back, he had caught up with the group and had warned the ringleader that we wouldn't put up with thuggish behaviour from him or anyone and he let him go... I thought that was it !

In the next few Min's we could hear a crowd coming up the road shouting, so i ran upstairs to see what was happening, i told the police i could hear a gang so she told me to stay on the line and talk her through it ~ not much to say except this lads brother and about 30 of his mates decided they would come beat up my fella for tackling his younger brother ~ i had a gang of them one side of the door ~ the kids screaming and crying upstairs as they were out in the front garden and my fella trying to get outside to defend his family~ i haven't shook that much since Geoff.

I was on that phone to the emergency services for 18 mins before a team of cars and vans got here, the whole street was filled with blue and white lights, trying to break up the gang, if i had of been on my own i don't know what id have done, hed only been home about 2 hours..

This went on into the night til past 1.30am with police interviewing neighbours, i honestly thought they would take away my fella as he shouldn't have gone after them initially but what do you do when someone comes into your drive, smashes up your property and threatens to stab your kid?

After speaking to the police who i must say were really lovely, they brought in a female officer, im not sure if it was to calm me and the kids down but she did a good job, the main officer was brilliant with my fella and basically put our mind at rest that he'd been to see the initial groups parents and that the lad over dramatised what happened when my fella caught up with him, none of their stories matched up and one actually admitted they had come to cause trouble, but what started with a school messing up here escalated into something very very nasty last night..

The police have told us to either keep our lad off school Monday and demand that the classes get split up and given us various numbers to phone to help us here..

Needless to say i didn't sleep a wink, i was waiting for them to come back all night, what will happen tonight is any ones guess, but one things for sure..

Ive got to spend nights here on my own now with last night going round my head, all because of what? a bloody education system that's failed so many children and managed to cause a riot in one of the kids homes last night..

I am supposed to be going into hospital Monday afternoon, and the kids were getting their own keys to come home from school with my eldest, but I'm sitting here this morning thinking i need to cancel..

Determined

2009-09-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

I think the last two days have been one of the most physical challenges Ive ever had, everything is everywhere here, I cant move! once id started ripping wardrobes apart there was no going back ~ i wished at the time i hadn't started it, talk about heavy... i didn't account for how i was going to get the heavy stuff down the stairs did i, or moving metal bunk beds from one end of the room to the other, my fellas usually here when i do stupid things like this... I'm not sure how i achieved that one, but i think i got so annoyed with the mess id made that it created some determination energy so i was able to drag the bugger.

Theres at least a skip full of rubbish outside now to greet my fella when he gets back, but so much stuff prepared thats hitting the boot sale and auction houses Saturday and Sunday, where did it all fit in here?

I know when my fella gets home Saturday I'm going to get one almighty bollocking for doing this but the majority of mess should hopefully be clear by then, hes working away so i cant keep putting it off and I'm an impatient bugger when i get something in my head like clearing out my house .. its a woman thing..

I have to be honest though, I didn't realise how much i was going to find up there today, im not sure i would have tacked that had i have known, but thats another lesson ive learnt... the hard way.....

The most amusing thing ive found so far is a big paddling/swimming pool, still in its packing and sealed ? but I have a shingle garden? I cannot remember when or where i had that mad impulse... but i need my head examined, if it was me... i'll blame him and giggle at that one..lol

Today i decided to pop my head in the attic ~ just so i could see how much was up there .. dont do that anyone, once i became involved with 'oh! whats that' that was it! 7 hours later and poor Sandra nearly worked to death im still up to my neck in crap, baby clothes and all types of wondrous things that we bought/got given or miraculously just appeared in my home.. how many different variations of corksrews do we actually need?

Ive found 9 bin bags of sample items up there i didn't know i even had at all ...

Its come to that part of the night (22.30) that i cant do anymore today, ive had a packet of outer spacers for tea tonight and have hit a brick wall in regards of energy.. im turning to strong coffee and ciggies now to stay awake and know its time to call it a night....

Tomorrows another day ~ hopefully ill wake up energised and get packed whats all round the lounge, kitchen,hall and up the stairs and then if i can find enough motivation start Ryan's room......................

I haven't done this for years ~ but Ive got the feeling this will all feel worthwhile when its done..

Tonight im just feeling knackered ...

Madness

2009-09-16T01:20:00.000-07:00

Talk about clearing out, I couldn't believe what my daughter has been hoarding in her bedroom. I found everything from half eaten biscuits, a cheese sandwich that you could knock a hole in the wall with and endless bags of clothes all rolled up into bags hidden? the mind boggles....

I eventually finished cleaning at 8.30pm ~ that was just one room though! but 6 bin bags later and several swear words that apparently my neighbour could hear through out the day, I'm pleased to say I made the start..

My fella phoned and woke me at 10pm... I think he thought i was joking when i said i was in bed, yesterday was harder than riding and salsa back to back, the room is now ready to paint and I have one very happy little girl, who says she will make me tea all year, for what Ive done!! a brandy would be more useful to take away the backache..lol

Today i have to send off the orders first, Ive already done emails, fill the car up with petrol before it breaks down on me and try and juggle the day ~ I'm taking on the boys room today which means i have wardrobes to dismantle on top of cleaning, but Ive got the first 2 kids home at 4.00 so I'm on limited time today, I then have to pick eldest up at 4.30 from college then back to pick Brandon up from high school at 5pm, hes on a school trip today! its then back here feed the lot and be ready to cut and colour my aunts hair by 6pm tonight and "can i slot in her fella in between for a hair cut" too!................ god help me, why do i always say yes ~ when my heads saying i cant fit it all this in today! how the hell am i going to manage this lot?

Right rant over so its time for a quick cuppa and house work hopefully in 30Min's flat as they will only wreck it tonight again anyway, then its time to crack on and have a go.. I'm still wearing the same combats from yesterday, i need a shower and Ive got no hope in hell have I !

God i miss my fella........ its not any easier for him by the sounds of it either..

Thank god for weekends........

De Clutter

2009-09-15T01:51:00.000-07:00

Its day 1 of my getting rid of everything and getting up to date with my work week, My fellas sadly gone off to work again for the week so im trying to keep myself busy, not sure yet if hes able to get back for salsa, but ive decided this week im going regardless, even if it means me going alone.. I can do this.......
Today i am starting with the kids rooms so expecting to be up to my neck in 'it' .. what exactly 'It' is yet i don't know ~ knowing my boys im going to find all sorts of wondrous (or not so) things up there behind those wardrobes........yuk

Last night was really good, its Monday so my riding night! As you can see in my photos below i got Jack! I have to say he was really good for me, Ive made my mind up i need to get to grips and conquer this horse before moving onto anything bigger, judging how stiff i am this morning already, i need more practise......
I was chatting to Claire walking the horses back through the fields and what she said made so much sense, I can think up there so always come home deep in thought. I need to get everything up and how it was, to ever be able to forfill my dreams there.. I dont like big businesses, ive been there and wore that T-shirt and found that the stress levels came with it, so i need to find a balance.. somewhere in between now and then i think...
So im going to try and achieve just that ...
So this week is the start of how i need to go on..... clear out the clutter and make room for the new things coming.....
Hopefully my cloudy period will pass now so i can move myself on too with it .......

Brown Eyed Girl: Patrick Swayze and his wife Dance

2009-09-15T00:31:00.000-07:00

Brown Eyed Girl: Patrick Swayze and his wife Dance

The sad news today is an inspiration to many of us Patrick Swayze has sadly lost his battle to cancer on Monday 14Th Sept 2009.
Like many good people, he was taken before his time..but showed so much courage in his fight.

R.I.P Patrick... You will be sadly missed

Jack and Jo

2009-09-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

Jack and Jo up Redhalls School,

He's usually 'oh so crappy'..

But Jack was good and broke that mould,

So tonight Jos feeling happy...

Goodnight all.............

Bits and Pieces

2009-09-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

Its been a pleasant weekend, Ive caught up on some badly needed sleep, slept through the DVDs id hired out (they were apparently rubbish anyway) but thanks to my fella have shed some of those blue feelings that had crept up on me this week, its not often i get like this, but somehow he always manages to pull me out of it.. The kids call them dads pep talks, I call them need to feel positive talks...he always is! he also seems to know when i need one thankfully...

I took Lauren riding on Saturday for her lesson and ended up having a really good time, theres a chap up there who has been watching us ride recently, who last week came in and took part of our class, so i realised why hes been watching us, hes got some really good ideas we are all going to get to try out and yesterday managed to turn the 1 hour time slot i usually spend watching Lauren into something really peaceful as he took me with him through the fields to introduce me to some of those horses we don't usually get to see, hes taking over from Kevin when he goes away on holiday, but has promised me i can ride Sebastian in his first class ~ talk about excited!

Ever since i first went to this school Ive been looking at this horse thinking ~ I wish ! hes so huge and beautiful, so to say I'm shocked is an understatement, you will all get to see him as hes promised to photo him for me, as this is a moment i want to capture in a poster to add to my wall.. it will certainly make me smile when i look up at that one..

So whatever the outcome will be, or regardless of how good i can ride him its 'too good an opportunity to miss' for me......... if i fall on this horse, it sure is a long way down, so ill just enjoy the moment and remember to not look down......... :)

Although its Sunday today, Lauren has just roped me into sorting her bedroom out ~ so with bin bags at hand I'm going to disappear into the abyss and look forward to the meal my fellas cooking down here..

Ive decided this week, one day at a time I'm working through every cupboard, the attic and shed and intend spending next weekend getting rid of as much as possible, I want the space to start the kids bedrooms and at the moment you'd be lucky to find room to fit a paintbrush in this place......

Ive got riding Monday which i always look forward to and Thursday its salsa, so that doesn't leave much free time to do this after kids, work and school meetings, so no time like the present I say...

Its done us good this weekend, i badly needed to get some motivation and find some happy thoughts but thanks to my fella, Ive managed to finish the week in one piece, not in bits like i felt yesterday...

Thank You.........

Frustration

2009-09-11T01:28:00.000-07:00

Well we got through the first week of mass changes, the kids are all tired this morning, I knew they would probably get to Friday and really feel it, I think we all are if im honest...

Its been everything from school to boys brigade, they are moving up groups everywhere, its exciting for them but if they are anything like me also hard, ive always been a pain in the arse when it comes to some changes, just ask my fella! hes hiding up this morning working already..

I struggle to let go of things and mentally suffer inside, I know thats how the world has to work so will go along with whatever is hurled, but sometimes it doesn't come easy..

Between us we are pushing the education system and taking it on head on, its wrong what they are doing to kids on these diplomas, especially when it all comes down to is those dreaded budgets, so expect to see me in the papers soon, I WONT quit on getting the best education for my son, hearing it from the horses mouth yesterday about the lads they have in my sons group just pushes me on, hes A grade and is in with F grades because hes out of school for 2 days , its utter madness, they don't want to be at school so opted for garage experience etc, hes there because he wants to learn up and above so wheres the fair in that.. he WILL and CAN do both the diploma and the GCSEs and will hold his own in his A groups, ill make sure of that, so they will just have to make up that one to one timetable one guy told me is so hard to do....... I dont give a shit, its his job to sort this out, his tutors agrees with Ryan and are backing me on this , its just one teacher who says he cant find the time to juggle my son about in classes so he can work at proving this system is flawed......because it is...... watch this space, they are holding a meeting this morning, so hopefully will make him come to his senses, its not for 300 pupils here, theres just one lad there doing the diploma this year, but this hasn't been thought out properly and more young people will take these steps next year so it needs to be addressed, im sick of walking away quietly when I should have shouted out loud, especially when people were so wrong, but i wont back down anymore.......I wouldn't be a good mum if i did......and I am that, if nothing else..

Im tired this morning ~ can you tell ? ..hehe

Anyway ill get this sorted out, I always work best when im pissed off, sometimes it takes that to get me into gear and into gear I definitely am.....

This week: Well its just been a blur of meetings appointments and lifts to just about everywhere, I feel a bit like a taxi driver on a never ending journey thats running out of petrol,

My tyres are slightly deflating this morning, and i need a car wash badly! :)

Today i intend to do just that after i have packed todays orders, cleaned up the mess that im sure i did yesterday and got through the emails, im trying to hold on to my fella today, as to be honest i need someone to talk to apart from kids and teachers.. but hes got work to do and i know it, so i think im on a losing streak with that thought.......

On the positive side it was salsa last night, i had such a sore arse, every movement had my jeans rubbing on my lack of skin bum cheek, but it always manages to bring a smile and change my mind frame, im sure Richard knows when to play Willy (it is my favourite salsa song) i could feel a difference in my fella too, its like something we lost, poked its head round the corner and shouted hello guys where have you been.... hes had to digest so much information over the last couple of months that i completely understood when he said he couldn't remember any of his moves, its so tormenting sitting there having to watch when you just want to get up and do it! his heads pretty much full at the moment so im going to do what he always does with me when im like that and show some patience and understanding..

Last night we didnt think of anything except there and then and had such a good night, I love being up there with our friends and don't want to lose it ~ Another thing ill fight for tooth and nail.. Whatever is coming at you in life it doesn't matter there, a hug from Sharon and the girls manages to find that part of Jo i have tended to keep hidden recently....... apart from that and my riding we dont go out at all, so i don't care how busy work is or how full up our heads are, they are two things in my life, i wont change....

The weekend im spending some quiet time with my fella and kids, they need help with homework, he needs time with me and i need the lot of them as im feeling pretty needy this week............ Monday hes off again on business so im going to make the most of every moment this weekend brings and relax ..

Monday those paint brushes are coming back out! Ive got a photographer doing the photos for new gear shortly, so if i keep painting, dancing and riding i may actually get a waistline to work with for a change...

Im not sure what im painting yet but theres lots to chose from so ill pull straws and try to make it fun .. no doubt if i pick one of the kids rooms before another it will be wrong and cause a row, so ill leave it to the straws to decide...

Have a good day everyone.......

Dreaming

2009-09-09T01:13:00.000-07:00

God were halfway through the week already, where is the time going?

Ive just dropped my eldest off for his first day at college, i must say i felt so proud, hes taller than me now and looked so smart, I know hes nervous as hes just like his dad in how he deals with things so i was trying to reassure him everyone else in there today will be feeling the same, he says it was a mixture of excitement and nerves, so hopefully by tonight he'll have settled in and will come home happy, its certainly been a nerve wracking one this week, every night theres been something to sort out...

The good news my fella is coming home tonight so I'm really pleased, i had the most bizarre dream last night that had me wake up sweating hot crying my eyes out, it wasn't nice so ive obviously got things playing on my mind. At least ill be able to wake him up now, i couldn't go back to sleep!

Today I'm contemplating doing a stock take as soon as Ive done today's orders, so if i don't get on with them i wont get much done, yesterday i managed to do everything i set out to so today i don't want any different..Its salsa tomorrow and I'm hoping we can have a little practise time together, hes got so much going round in his head at the moment and is absorbing so much stuff hes forgotten most of his moves, its been a problem for a few weeks for us but not something we cant change... even the best of them need some time out you know..hehe

Anyway i hope everyone has a good day, I'm hopefully going to be flying about like a loony again today.. at least ill sleep properly tonight..

If hes away again next week i may just have to get those paint brushes out again !

Dilemmas and Diplomas

2009-09-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

Well Its been another eventful day ~ what is going on with my lot! I thought parenting was supposed to get easier when they get older? its not ~ the hurdles just change from tantrums and growing up to teenage hormones and right decisions, this is one hurdle i know I'm going to get another 3 times over, so i want to get this as right as can....

The triplets managed to come home from school nicely today, not via the chickens, thanks to Ryan... lol i had to keep thanking him about walking the 'tribe' home though, so no doubt he will milk it.
The good news is they had a great day, all ate dinner properly and not bought slush puppies with the £8.00 lunch money i have to send every day, to say i was annoyed at them yesterday was an understatement, they said it was because they thought it was the canteen :) but Ryan showed them the way today so there is no more of that happening ~ I Hope.. slush puppies aren't really food kids, even when you try to convince me otherwise... even im not that blonde

Im trying to sort out Ryans diploma and GCSE placing, which is proving to be a concern, after speaking to an assortment of i must say really good teachers today i have been filled in for the whole story as to why the good students are being made to work with the not so good ones, its not as simple as i hoped.
Basically when the diplomas came in this year they had based them on last years students who were attending work experience for the same amount of time out of school ( 2 days a week) which meant the students were down 2 days of class room attendance away from their friends who were doing the standard GCSEs... The results showed that on the 6 students that took part only 1 passed, and her grades weren't as good as her ability had shown she could do.... so the school made the rule that if they are doing work placement or diplomas then they go into the overspill class and not into the class that they would have been in originally placed in automatically through their marks and grades....
I can see their point in ways, they don't want to put too much pressure on them, but what do you do when your child has been put into a class that's way below his ability and he feels will hold him back? he says hes there to learn and wants to be in the top maths etc hes supposed to be in, his words were " I worked hard for my top marks and deserve to be there, why should i be in with ones that don't care because I'm trying to get extra grades?"

My son got top marks in nearly all his tests and yet has been put into a group of students that the headteacher admitted to me today, don't really partake in classroom learning activities " they are more hands on students wishing to do apprenticeships" so basically you've now got top rate students in with the ones who just want 'out of school' why?... because they don't feel they can do both well?

Because last years studies had shown that they don't think the pupils can achieve the diploma as well as take on all the other GCSEs on top... its been a thought provoking day..

I do not want to push my son into anything, i hope and encourage him to make the right decisions for him only , as long as he feels hes done his best, its all i can wish for, but he doesn't agree with what the school is saying...and wants to have a go at doing both, but in his groups where he should be.........

So today Ive had in depth conversations with his tutors to see if they think hes capable of taking all this work on without compromising his marks or pushing more work than what hes capable of doing.. its a hard one.

After speaking to him there is no doubt in my mind he wants to do this, he wants to do all the qualifications even though it means he will have double work and will have to attend extra lessons after school to make up for the two lost school days, on top of that he will have to do the diploma work which means another 8 GCSEs on top of the normal ones to work at! GOD HES SO MUCH LIKE HIS FATHER ISN'T HE!!! im prepared for what was left of my hair to turn white now too...

I really admire the fact hes up for this, but like Ive been explaining to him tonight, words are easy..... getting stuck in, day in day out, is the only thing that's going to allow him to cut this and he has to know what hes taking on here.. so Ive been trying to talk him out of it for all the right reasons (but also to see how much he really wants this) as hes not backing down one inch... :)

Hes the only pupil from Sprowston high that's doing this diploma, so like hes pointed out tonight, this could pave the way for future pupils who are going to be stuck in overspill classes like he is at the moment if they choose to take the diploma option... so its also a valid point.

Ive spoken to his dad by phone and explained whats proposed and hes backing Ryan 100% even to the point of working with him each night to support him in his best subjects, so it looks like I'm going to get the science homework to work with him on..lol god knows how but i got the highest grades in my high school for that, and french i will also learn as he does, we both know enough basics so hopefully we can make it enjoyable and take him to Paris with us when i go for stock, if he can see ahead it may just help to inspire him through this.
My head is spinning tonight, i will back him of course as i do believe he will genuinely do whatever it takes to do this, but ill also be there for him when he gets tired and hopefully give him the support hes going to need, it wasn't my little boy that made these decisions tonight it was my grown up son... my god didn't i see that clearly ..Talk about proud.....

If hes got half of my blood, he wont quit at anything and from his dad has inherited that thirst for knowledge, then I'm sure he'll do this..
I keep telling him to live his life to the max and just go for things.. so hats off to him..
I'm enjoying being a parent of a teenager more than i ever thought possible.......
I just hope he doesn't know more than me when it comes to mums night of tutoring......lol

Journeys

2009-09-08T02:30:00.001-07:00

Its been a bit hectic here as usual, yesterday was utter madness as i had two lots of riding as well as packing orders and getting the house straight (ill never manage that one) everything was put off until 'Monday' as the kids started high school so i finally got some time to myself to put everything into order..

The riding went really well, we couldn't have our usual teacher for the jumping lesson but instead had a lady called 'Jo' shes old school and really pushed me and Jean , which was brilliant! I managed to get solomon into canter for every jump so came home really pleased, the lesson was such a quick pace but really exciting, when i came home i kept thinking something was stuck in my jodhpurs as i had a sore patch....hmmmm What it really was was a huge patch of bum that id wore the skin off.................hehe

So after an hour of my fella taking the mickey i elastoplastered myself up and went back for my group lesson and told him i was aiming to do the other side to match......

Its back to a few days of myself again today, my fella left very early this morning so im trying to get everything into gear starting with the Dr's as they keep sending me snotty letters telling me to go in urgently.... Ive let them send me 2 then reluctantly went this morning, you can get ill going in those places, everyone is coughing or sneezing, bugger that! They want to use me as a guinea pig and have started me on new medication until they have me in on the 21st for my 'tests' ive been warned that ill need help when i come out as ill be in a state..... lol nothing new there then ! they believe initially that the blackouts im having are all to do with the migraines, the big word for it is migrainous vertigo... but i wont use big words in this blog!

Ive got to start one a day for a week then increase one each week til i get to 4 a day.. and hopefully it should help stop the dizzy blonde impressions I'm doing.... I cant change my hair colour as half of its natural now and boy arent i giving all those blonde jokes ammunition at the moment....

School yesterday went off to a flying start.. My eldest came home before the others complaining there were kids in his class that are disruptive and not there to learn (they were being disrespectful to the teacher and out of order) and he wants out of their classes, so i spoke to the headteacher and thankfully they are trying to move him out, he may be a bit more pushed in regards of doing these other classes as well as the business diploma, but that's what he wants to do.. so i will support him all i can and get him into the right ones.. my fellas not having any of it and says that our kids will get the education they deserve so is going to see head of year on Thursday when he gets back....

The triplets on the other hand managed to have me pulling my hair out again! they didn't come home from school ? i sat here with dinner waiting and no kids.. After an hour i was panicking so walked up to school, thinking id meet them somewhere on route ~ how wrong was i...

After an hour walking the streets in jodhpur boots that were killing my feet (more blisters) the high school kindly phoned my home to discover they were home and i was at the school! they had took a detour to their old school to feed the chickens !!

Last year the school took in a lot of chickens that were going to be killed and my daughter being as soppy as me has really taken to them so goes to visit them everyday, i told them to come straight home, not worry me to death and go play with the buggers first... I wish i had a bigger garden as id get her some but at the moment my house is already mad and dogs chasing chickens round the garden ontop sadly cant happen.. so when we get a bigger house Lauren! it will come.................

My fellas got so much exciting stuff going on at the moment and today im sitting here with my heart in my mouth in hope.......... Im not allowed to say what it is only that if today and tomorrow go good, our lives will change beyond belief.............. I know you have to hit rock bottom sometimes to be able to go up and believe me we have been there, but life has a way of going round in circles doesn't it, what was once upon a time maybe no more..... im really excited..

It wont just be his business either, we have so many plans but this could be the difference of those dreams turning into reality for us..

Ive been sitting here this morning listening to Leona Lewis's new song 'Happy' god why is it sometimes you can hear something and think that's so true...

We all get bruised and bumped about in life, but if you don't take those chances the risk will never pay off.... ive been telling myself that for the last 2 years..

So that song today has definitely struck a chord.. ill be buying her album, singing away to that one and putting my kids through what they did to me yesterday thats for sure now.......

Hopefully tonights homecoming will be slightly less stressful...

Leona Lewis - Happy (lyrics)

2009-09-08T02:20:00.001-07:00

Jason Mraz - "I'm Yours" LIVE (Official RMTV Acoustic)

2009-09-06T02:31:00.001-07:00

This has to be summer 2009s song...

Grandfathers Clock

2009-09-05T01:09:00.000-07:00

What a strange feeling ive woke up with today, ill try to explain but this one will have you all thinking..

Last night we were going to the Keir Hardy to salsa and meet our friends but my fella and me were engrossed in a conversation up the table so kinda lost track of the time, well thats when it happened. We have a clock hanging in our hall, not just any clock it was steves grandads clock, so very personal to him, inside we have a photo of his grandparents and i often talk to them as i polish it, call me superstitious, yes youd be right, but ive heard so many good stories about them and know how much they inspire my fella so its only right i tell them the day to day things hes doing as i potter about doing my daily chores.. the only thing is the pendulum has never swung, no matter what i do to it it always stops within seconds..me and sadra were trying to make it work again just last week, but failed dismally again, it swung for a few seconds then nothing, its kind of an omen in our house as once before a few years back it just decided to start swinging all by itself... (imagine the xfiles music now)

Well last night we got a phone call, which brought some exciting news, right in the middle of our conversation about the future, my fella was pacing the kitchen like a dog , which made me giggle as we were talking about the exact thing when our friend called, how strange is that?

Anyway he put the phone down told me what the news was and put the phone down happily, his words were I told you that big things are happening, they certainly are..

Just at that moment i said about his grandad and how proud he would be of him and guess what happened? yep!

The grandfather clocked started working, i looked up to see the pendulum swinging away in its full glory...

Some things i do believe are fate, we dont have answers to everything or reasons why..

All i can say is that walking into the oasis that night was meant to be, its brought so much to our lives in such a short space of time, and i think the clock was trying to tell us something...

Perhaps i will get my own horse one day afterall...........................

Size Doesnt Matter

2009-09-02T09:15:00.000-07:00

Is it morning already......

I feel like i need to go back to bed today, Ive had 6 hours which is plenty but it feels more like 2.

Last night i got to do another double lesson at riding, for the first hour i was on Pip who behaved impeccably for me again, i found out yesterday that hes lost his sight in one eye and only has limited sight in his other, that explains why sometimes he startles at things, he likes his reins short and flaps his head about if you don't, now i know its because he relys on us to be his eyes and needs to feel every move, i love this little horse, why is it always the good ones... He was kicked in the head a few years ago by one of the other horses out in the fields and had a fractured skull, i knew he didn't have perfect sight as he occasionally trips when he hack out, but hes so happy and loves being ridden so we just have to make sure we get it right for him, i overheard 2 of the girls last night talking about teaming up and getting him on loan, id be so sick if i couldn't ride him anymore, I don't have enough coming in to be able to do that so its down to the money thing again, doesn't it piss you off sometimes, I couldn't find 40 quid a week to get him out of the school, I wish i could, so I'm hoping that lottery ticket comes in soon and they don't get him just yet, although i want him out of the classes too, so its whats best for him i should be thinking about, I'm just being selfish wanting him myself and shouldn't think like that..hes well loved up there by us all...

Anyway the first part went really well we came back both excited and flew around that arena again, i wasn't sure who i'd got for the second lesson but had to giggle, as it went from one extreme to the other, from Pip the little white horse to Solomon, who's a huge black horse with massive feet (imagine a plough pulling horse and you'd be ontrack) i also use him in my jumping classes, how weird did that feel though going from one to another like that, you get used to a certain size, so changing onto a massive horse made me laugh, i cant hardly move my legs this morning, but am not telling my fella, he will only say i shouldn't ride for 2.5 hours but id be riding all day if i had the chance, bugger sore legs its worth it...

The good thing is Karen wanted to see how my legs were progressing as Ive rode Pip now for a good few weeks, hes helped me with my transition and leg work so Solomon was going to test it out.

He was responding really well, always went into trot and did his circles lovely for me, but its the canter Ive been struggling with, on these bigger horses, i pulled my legs back more on him and sat way back deep in my seat, but it felt huge, its like sitting on a slippery seat that doesn't fit your arse on a plane (been there done that too) i keep sliding forward. The surprise was all this riding's paying off, every time i asked canter he gave it, its the first lesson where i was able to keep up with the hardened riders up there and hold my head up high for once...

Riding back through the rain had me deep in thought, the flood lights were on, the raindrops looked like they were lit up and dancing..

I closed my eyes just for a second, felt that rain on my skin and sighed ...

I think its my way of finding peace................

Grow your Own

2009-08-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

Isn't it so beautiful out there today... there is talk of us having an indian summer !

We have been picking the apples off our tree today, how satisfying does that feel, I'm really into growing your own fruit and salads, its amazing.

We have buckets of apples that taste beautiful so Ive decided that after i pack orders this week i want to take the kids out fruit picking, I vowed last year i would have a go at making my own jam and possibly some elderberry wine for my fella, so as its that time of the season, I'm going to do it.

My favourite is plum jam ! last year i helped my neighbour out a few times by lending him my huge copper pans and he used to give me a couple of pots of the result of his Victoria jam, so this year I'm going to try and make it myself from his recipe...

The last time i went fruit picking (last year) the kids were eating more than they put in the buckets, then i went with Estelle raiding the land next to where we worked which resulted with me covered in nettle stings as i kind of got stuck up the tree and over the fence, so this year ill take the easy option out and go to the local farm....

I'm not sure what we are going to do with all these apples yet , they are golden delicious so it would be a sin to cook them, but a few of them are heading for the toffee apple making class I'm planning for the kids, my fella makes amazing toffee so im hoping to rope him in for this one.. Its made up for all that watering this year now.. It feels really good......

Open Book

2009-08-31T01:43:00.000-07:00

Last night was lovely, my fella cooked and we spent the night just chilling out watching TV, its not normal for us so we both enjoyed it, I caught up with X Factor as ive managed to miss it up until now so Saturday nights ill be totally unsociable and stay in (or tape it).. I cant help it, I love watching people go for their dreams its inspiring... they do happen for some you know...

Its been really good to spend some time with my fella and family, and although hes back to work today its been a really nice weekend...

Today im putting the house back in order and catching up with work, im feeling excited about the kids all going to high school next week, ive got a few more bits to get for them, hair cuts to do all round which im hoping Dayle will help with as hes brilliant and makes the kids look really trendy.
Im making plans on what id love to do before xmas and although its probably not going to happen i can still dream, I want to decorate the kids bedrooms desperately, they havent been done for 10 years and two of them dont even have beds! Brandon went through a bad patch and set fire to his and Lauren outgrew hers, we didnt have much room up there so got the small beds when they were younger, its coming unstuck now though as her feet hang over the end... but that's my goal and what they want for Xmas, some of that wooden floor stuff and a bed (with drawers underneath of course Lauren)... The painting ill happily do when i have saved up enough to get what i need, Ive got 3 months and Ive worked out each will cost approx £220- 250 for flooring, beds curtains and covers. so if you see me down the car boot on Sundays selling off all and sundry you know what I'm saving for... Id love to be able to do that for them after all the love and support they have given me.....what a gift that would be...

We have managed to survive another summer holiday without getting the 'holiday' part again, but no ones complaining... I have such great kids, they understand and would just say they want their bedrooms done first anyway (something to do with fish and star themed bedrooms that are so not hip)... Next year perhaps things will be achievable, but until then we will continue to smile and find the fun in every day...

My fellas working tirelessly to better things here and the help and support his partners have shown us, tells me there really are some good people out there........its like following that yellow brick road not knowing where it leads, but still feeling so excited about whats ahead..

Its been a good summer, Ive learnt that nothing stays the same even when you want it to, but that each day opens a new chapter to lifes book and brings fresh hope.

Its what we do with those pages and how we read them that will make all the difference.....

I'll be reading enthusiastically...

Salsa Boat Party

2009-08-30T00:24:00.000-07:00

Well its certainly been a weekend to remember! Im completely knackered now ....

Tonight we went along to this years Salsa Boat Party.. its been another great night... two brilliant parties back to back..

The broads looked beautiful all lit up with just about everyone waving from the land at a boat full of happy people all dancing away under the stars, its not everyday you get to do things like tonight, but my tickets booked for next year!

I was the driver tonight so my fella could have a drink and im really pleased, it was lovely to see him so relaxed and happy, we managed a few good dances but not as many as last night, as we took a picnic and managed to get a bunch of our mates all downstairs tucking into it while catching up on what everyones been doing, it was lovely..

I saw 2 herons which ive never seen that close before and i didnt get chucked overboard so that was an acomplishment all by itself, as i was tormenting a few of them... hehe
Anyway nads got the photos so no doubt they will be all over facebook tomorrow, but tonight ill share whats on my phone and bid everyone Goodnight...

Theres a warm bed waiting with one hell of a lovely guy waiting for me so...........

As Its been another amazing night im ending it on a high with my fella ..........

Dance Cuban Party Night with Leandro

2009-08-29T02:40:00.000-07:00

What a night that was ~ What a party! it was brilliant guys !!

I'm totally dead this morning, my feet are throbbing (and my head) but my house is still all sound asleep thankfully, im leaving my poor fella up there til at least 1pm. how he managed to do that last night without having any sleep the night before ill never know ~ I'm so glad he did though, it was totally brilliant !

Leandro is something else to watch (hes extremely sexy with it ladies) this guy gets his hips to move in ways well lets just say it gets the mind boggling (or is it just mine) hehe.... filthy woman stop it !

We joined in his reggaeton class (thought id better spell it correctly this time too before Richard tells me off) how good was that class, Ive been sitting here this morning sticking my bum and chest out to the beat practising away on my own, not recommended when you've got a mug full of tea though, put that down first! its honestly infectious that beat is so alive and kicking i just want to get up and dance.... The whole night was superb, the atmosphere was electric i had so many dances my face hurts from smiling (my lips stuck to my teeth ) so got to test those mojitos out all night as my fella offered to drive.

Its going down in the books for 'A Night To Remember' from everyone who was there, im sure..

I didn't think they could top that last party, but yes ~ its been done! Sharon & Richard you guys really are something else....

Where did you get all that energy from? and can i get some please........... its those mojitos Richard? ..... hic........ you were dancing for England!

I know we haven't been dancing for a couple of weeks due to my fellas work, but walking back in there last night, it felt like we've never been away... I even had a dance with Richard and didnt stand on him !! well if i did hopefully he didn't notice ~the mojitos were going down well...

I'll post some photos once i ask Richard if i can pinch his (hurry up and get them on your site Richard we want to see them) I gave my fella my phone as i was drinking and have a history of ringing friends up telling them, "what a wunderbul time im having ~ hic" well you don't think to check the time when you're having fun do you .....oops

Anyway i need to soak my feet in cold water and get my straighteners out, I made the mistake of curling my hair for the party so look like the 'wild woman of Borneo' this morning. A few of the guys got tangled in it when i was dancing with them too... imagine a birds nest and you'd be on target...lol

Today i have to be at the stables at 2 as Lauren is in the gymkhana there (and i want to see the horses and hopefully convice Kevin to let me ride one) but today dads coming with us ~ OMG
(he asked to come!) then its back for another shower and get ready for tonight... its the Salsa Boat Party !

if you haven't booked your tickets, its not too late ~ you can pay on the boat door ~departing from Wroxham bridge at 6.30pm.... a boat full of mad people ~ all taking picnics and blasting out salsa down the broads while we dance the night away, waking up the ducks...

All on an open topped boat...... Sounds brilliant doesn't it .... last year was !

So all you lovely people out there, have a great day and enjoy the bank holiday weekend, the rest of our weekend is free so we are playing it by 'ear'..... when of course i can get this reggaeton beat out of it first..... it feels like i can still hear it!

A huge THANK YOU to Richard, Sharon, Leandro and Sexy Sasha this morning (Jane calls him mr guiness as hes so smoooth) You guys gave us all one hell of a night to remember last night..

What a party ! What a night ! it had to be Dance Cuban....................................

CUBATON - Gente de Zona - El Animal (2009 Official Video)

2009-08-28T05:04:00.001-07:00

OMG I love this song so much..
It always reminds me of Sharon and the girls and regaetton..
Bring on the party..............

Good Morning

2009-08-28T02:23:00.000-07:00

Its Friday already ! Im waiting to get that Friday feeling, but its not here yet! perhaps its on its way, ive got packing to get done as yet, my eldest has promised to take it to the post office for me (he wouldnt yesterday so i stomped up there by myself to make him feel guilty) but as usual nothing is stiring up there.. i made the mistake of letting him have his mates sleep.. so as usual nobody did...hehe

My poor fella sat up all night working as he needed something finished for this mornings meeting, i felt him creep into bed at 5am, how tired must he feel today, i felt guilty going to bed so stayed up til 1.30am but couldnt keep my eyes open, i honestly dont know how he does it, his partner is just as nocturnal as him, these guys work hours most of us wouldnt believe (or could manage)so my hats off to what they have achieved this week, WELL DONE (please dont worry about the car!) I will manage without one, it does me good to walk .. :)

Speaking of walking places, im rather dissapointed this week, someone only went and pinched my eldest sons bike! why do people steal things, he does 3 paper rounds and was really upset! Ive always taught my kids to respect other peoples property, so i hope whoevers pinched it gets something of his stolen so he knows how it feels...

Tonight we get some time out, at last..
we are both really looking forward to this party, ive phoned Richard and told him to keep our tickets safe, it seems like ages since we have been out together and is much needed, i love dancing with my fella and cant wait to get him on that dance floor !
Im taking my camera as Leandro is going to be there, ive seen him dance before at the Talk and couldnt believe what this guy does, his style is so unique, so if what ive heard is true and he is taking a regaetton class tonight, please count me in..... i dont want to miss that.. not sure if i can remember how to wiggle, but ill have a good go with the help of a vodka !

Blue Jeans Gal

2009-08-27T03:10:00.000-07:00

I dont believe it myself but i overslept this morning, i must be getting good at this now..

Thankfully my fella will be coming home today~ im so pleased ! not sure yet if it will be in time for salsa but i know he will be tired so im just happy that hes coming home full stop.

Ive managed to sort myself out for him this week but didnt get much time out, yesterday was mad as people were popping in all day, i never found a part of the day when someone wasnt here, which is fine but i did want to grab a bath which you cant really do when you have visitors, i had to do my aunts hair which took ages (5 hours)but got to spend time with my grandparents which is always good and spent some time last night with my good friend Stelli, I cant believe im saying this but guess what i did? I gave away my X-pole to her (shock, horror) lol

I enjoy riding and salsa so much and i dont need the pole anymore, it did keep up my fitness when i stopped kickboxing which was lovely, but its been sitting in my shed waiting to be put back up and never quite got there so ive given it away, im welcome to go to hers if ever i get the urge to sling on those thigh highs and swing round the lounge, ill just knock her ornaments over instead..

Today im now going to start the packing and get the orders out, someones being kind to me this week and is keeping me busy which is always great, the house is actually in good order and the kids all seem to be happy today ~ probably as they know dads coming home, i know im happy about that too.. is it normal to get excited about seeing someone youve lived with for 16 years?

Tomorrow is the party ive been waiting for at the Staithe, ive pulled out my wardrobe several times trying to find anything other than jeans to wear, but no matter what i do my eyes always wander back to my faithful friends, i know they are comfortable so ill feel happy and its probably what ill end up wearing as usual..

Its just the way i am and always will be i guess

'Forever in blue jeans' ..............................

Dreaming Again

2009-08-25T01:11:00.000-07:00

Its been a very busy few days, we had Steve's sister come over for the weekend which was lovely, she brought over her kids that happily played with my lot and got to know each other, it really was a lovely weekend. Saturday night we did a BBQ and lit the fire pit, how amazing my garden looked all lit up and in full bloom, its somewhere very special for me to go, a place that i can think, drink tea and just generally dream away........

Ive now got an extended family in regards a huge family of starlings have taken up residence in my bamboo, i didn't know they even ate bamboo, but waking up to them all singing away really is inspiring for me, its always cheerful ~ even when you feel knackered ! My shopping list now consists of bird food as essentials...im sure they know how i feel sometimes, id never have put myself down as a birdy kind of person.. but i look forward to them coming every day now. ok ill shut up now......

I went off riding yesterday as usual so Claire gave me Pip again, i stayed behind as i was in my need to chill moods and in no hurry to get away, so happily walked all the rest of the horses out into their fields for the night talking to Claire, is this what its all about for me? why do i feel so bloody peaceful out there... it can be raining, blowing a gale or full up with people, i don't see any of that, all i see and feel is happy and content.

We went out hacking again which is always lovely, but didn't get to canter like last week, there was more of the group there and some of them aren't happy to be flying through the cut crops like we are (strange people)..........It feels like nothing else Ive experienced, so free and yet so wild.. perhaps mum was right i am a wild child junky at heart, i just let people hold me back with their assumptions and stinky attitude towards anyone whos genuine or kind inside ~ people of course cant be can they!........ anyway im not even thinking about it, its not worth the headache......

I discovered something else about myself yesterday too ~ I want to ride a camel through the desert as fast as it will carry me, my fella cracked up at that one, but its been added to that never ending list i hope i will get through before my times up, Ive rode a camel before in Turkey but it was too tame and not what i hope to do, tell me i watch too much TV and you'd be wrong, i just come up with these strange wantings all by myself...................

My worlds back to being a single mum again for the week, my fella packed and left early this morning, Ive been TOLD no decorating this week and working myself to the point of having hairy legs and looking a state ~ trust me, ashamedly its true.......... I did get the hall and kitchen finished though so it was worth the bush tucker trials hes had to encounter this weekend...hehe

But this week i plan to

Dye my hair and let the kids help out (i promised Lauren she could dye it for me) god help my sense of humour sometimes, anyone know where you can buy good wigs?

Epilate my legs and those nether regions, that are the only thing about me that feels 'under worked!' at the moment..

Paint my nails (whats left of them) and rest up.....hehe

Im not sure i can sit here for 3 days doing that lot, i could probably manage the lot in an hour so ill have to drag it out, in between blogging............

Tonight im trying my hand at cooking Steves famous Lamb casserole ~well hes not here to cook it and stole many of my recipes so its only fair i do the same... Im hoping to achieve 'Mum does it better!'

Been thinking about this year and whats changed! so much its untrue, god knows how but we have managed to get through to August still partially sane and eating (thats thanks to my fellas working life and not mine) I'm not dancing nearly as much as i want to, partly as i have no transport all week so cant get to salsa! (sorry guys, I miss you all) but this is the last away trip for a week or two, so we aim to change that starting with Sharon and Richards party Friday night followed by the Salsa Boat Party on Saturday. I was so tired last weekend as i did way overdo everything, so need to save some energy for this weekend..and sort out my hairy legs of course!

Pip (my borrowed little white horse) has brought so much happiness to my life, silly as it may sound, its not easy bringing up 4 kids and working all hours like this, when i go to visit him all he asks for is a mint and a gentle person, i talk to him all the time I'm riding so everyone thinks ive lost the plot up there, but I'm sure he understands what I'm saying, if ever i get enough money coming in every week i have promised him ill get him on loan from Kevin and take him out of the school, hes always energetic, sympathetic and pleased to see me so to be able to go see him everyday and just go out riding with Claire and my friends would be my ultimate, sometimes we all need one to one to make us feel good, id love to be able to do that for him, i wouldn't outgrow him as i don't grow, only shrink, so i could take the dogs up there with me and just go feel that sunshine on my face..or rain of course..

I cant go off wandering round the world until my kids are through school but as this year all 4 will in be in high school, (omg) i know that times growing closer, so i have to stay alive inside in any way i can.. I'm really lucky in that i have met my soul mate and have a family that id die for to protect, but theres still so much out there id love to see, do and share with them so these guys hopefully will all be coming with me.........

Right time to get back to normality and clean this place up again ~ they wont be able to mess it up if i dont........ and i dont like to spoil the fun or dissapoint...............

Its the anniversary of Neils passing tomorrow and im trying not to think about it..

But not doing such a great job again i see .....

Some people will always be missed..

Happy Birthday

2009-08-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday today ....

Doing It Myself (Not DIY just DIM)

2009-08-19T15:21:00.000-07:00

When do you say to yourself enough is enough? I really need go to bed but I'm trying to get this bloody painting done, I'm knackered, i stink, I'm hot and sweaty, covered in paint but not done yet!

My fella phoned so that cheered me up, but hes staying an extra night! which is probably a good job looking round at this place... Why do i do this to myself?

I wanted him to come home last week surprised and love what id done (which he did ) but muggins has took it in her blonde thick head that she wants to decorate the house, am i nuts ? (don't answer that please, i already know the answer)...lol

The kitchen is just about done, just a couple of top coats to the utilities end, but then i have the hall to top coat all over! its a mess, I'm tired and it wont make for good painting as Ive discovered tonight.. more like the 'wonky tonk woman'

The funny part of the day for the kids was mum falling off the worktop (oh yes i can perform acrobatics whilst painting too!) ......they found it highly amusing to see me and Lauren fall in a heap, perhaps they thought they were tears of laughter as Callum came in took one look at us, poured himself a glass of water and walked out as calm as a cucumber !

We couldn't help but giggle even though we were hurting, so i guess it brought a smile to the afternoons misfortune...

Poor Lauren was a bit battered as i fell on her, complete with roller still in hand, head first! Luckily shes bendy and saw the funny side later!! ill count the bruises i have tomorrow when im not so ratty and try to remember, not to stretch while standing on a wet draining board... or better still buy some step ladders and use those!

The hair colour definitely matched the brain cell today.... Oh shit! doesn't provide a safety net, I can painfully vouch for that......

Tomorrow night come what may I'm not going anywhere near a pot of paint, so ill get up early and get this done out of the way, the next time i come up with " Ill keep myself busy while hes away idea" i know what to do... Go riding instead !

Hes going to be away a few days every week now by the looks of it and theres no way i can keep this lot up, Id forgotten how hard it was to juggle, my work, kids, sleepovers (theres 6 up there tonight) packing orders and redecorating as ive discovered today.. I'm dead physically

Probably why my house hasn't been painted for yonks......... (I waited until id forgotten the last time) hehe

I stink, am a lilac shade everywhere, have a bedroom full of moths waiting to pounce, but i just don't care tonight...

......... Ahhhh Sleep is all i can think about...

Sounds wonderfully bliss doesnt it.......... Its 12.29 am so bugger anymore painting tonight...

Im going to bed, hopefully that lot up there will quieten down and let me sleep now. (why do they call them sleepovers, they DONT GO TO SLEEP!) lol

Goodnight all ...

Ride like the Wind

2009-08-17T14:09:00.001-07:00

I know ive already blogged today but ive come home so happy i just had to tell you all about my evening.. it was amazing! my fella keeps telling me to shut up !

As many of you know me, you would know my dream is to ride up a beach on horseback, its silly to some people but to me its one of those ' has to be done moments' well tonight Claire gave me the best riding experience ive ever had...

There were only 3 of us tonight in the group plus Shona and Claire who work at the stables, so Kevin said we could go out hacking, ive never been hacking with my new group before but the hacks i have experienced have all been walk and trott only, well tonight i got such a surprise!

It was beautiful sunshine, so warm, there wasnt a drop of breeze so she took out into the fields , where i havent been before, as far as you could see was just fields and trees , its breathtakingly beautiful. So she stops us and says right one at a time "GO!"...... "trott, canter do what ever you feel like doing" its about enjoying being alive and my god didnt it feel great !..

Pip was so excited and just went for it, the stretch just went on and on, I have never rode that fast or felt that free in my life, i cant begin to say how it made me feel, I was screaming with happiness inside, the world didnt matter it was just the Pip and me...

When i got to the end Pip neighed loudly to his friends (who were all doing it back!) so we turned back and rode like hell to the other guys waiting.. it was pure magic........

I have always been the kind of girl that loves the woods or anywhere where i can feel that connection to nature and tonight was one of the best nights ive ever had... not simply just because of the riding, but because it gave me so much hope and excitement! Something happened so good that i didnt expect,which can happen through life if we believe it will and are prepared to go for it...

Nothing is impossible although sometimes we think and feel it is, but the best things in life are those things you dont expect ...

Ive had the most magical day all thanks to a field, some sunshine and one beautiful little horse called Pip..

My fellas off again tomorrow but i know where i'll go if i start to feel down... to that little spot in my thoughts that tonight has given me..

Its been an amazing journey today............................

Jumping into new Week

2009-08-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

Its been a bit hectic this morning, my fella pinched the car so i didn't think I'd make the jumping lesson, thankfully Jean came to the rescue and came and picked me up, i hate to miss it, Ive been looking so forward to it all weekend.. the amusing part was my fella had all my gear in the boot of the car! Kevin was brilliant and leant me just about everything so i could ride, but the back protector wouldn't go over my bust (it was a kiddies one) so i had that flapping about every time i took the jumps...lol I was waiting for it to fly up covering my head, it was one of those old fashioned ones that has a large girth that's supposed to go under your crotch !! hehe.... not likely.. I left that flapping about too so the girls were threatening to take photos and load me onto facebook... how embarrassing would that be, the kids would disown me, they know how much i love riding or should do now, i looked like something out of a bin but didn't care less as long as i didn't miss it.. the horse doesn't mind, so may as well give everyone a laugh today while I'm at it.. hopefully i should have my gear for tonight's lesson, were out hacking (yippee) its my first hack this year.

The lesson went well although Ive now got to go like mad to get everything ready for tomorrow here ~ my fellas just told me hes taking the car this week now :( so I'm going to get some food and paint in and get prepared, its not going to be much fun stuck in all week without any transport so ill try and make the most of it and get the kids painting again and doing stuff here, they like it.

Most places we can walk to like the park etc, so as long as we have lemonade sparkle ice lollies in that freezer (every ones favourites) I'm sure we will be fine..

Saturday we went to Ingham fete with our friends to help with the demo Cuban salsa dancing display, it was such a good afternoon, the kids won me 2 necklaces on the tombola (which are gorgeous) and we were playing with a lama (yes you read that right!) he was lovely, Ive never seen one before and found it highly amusing watching him following his master about with his beak about 2 cm's away from his head, he was such a character, but my kids wanted to take it home... can you imagine it...lol

Right its time to hit Homebase and get some food in ........

Have a great afternoon everyone.......

Wake up Calls

2009-08-16T02:58:00.000-07:00

I was sitting outside this morning as usual with my cuppa thinking about the day ahead and listening to the radio, it was supposed to be chill out hour playing on the radio, but for my poor neighbour she got one hell of a un-chilled out start today.. kids ! they bring so much heartache and worry sometimes, i really do feel for her, this morning my eyes were welling up, at the crap she gets everyday, just by doing her best to be a good mum...

It started off with her going into his bedroom to get him dressed, (which is next to my lounge), hes 20 but has so many disabilities and demands constant care, this lad is really big due to not being able to walk or exercise at all, it must be so much hard work for them, over the years of living next door i get to hear and see alot but i wont ever complain, they cant help the noise and do their best to give their son the best possible life they can give him, but it doesn't come easy.
He has violent outbursts like nothing else ive seen at one point we used to get all sorts of things come flying over our fence, but solved that by putting up a canopy to pretect my kids, they did the same, but it not really his or his parents fault, even a dinner plate in the wrong hands does damage, so we try to understand and help them, especially by not complaining..

I know some people in the past who have been their previous neighbours couldn't hack it, they moved from house to house, but to be honest i don't think living next to triplets when they were babies could have been very easy for them either! i know from my point of view some days the screaming and crying would drive me to tears, but thats what you have to deal with, with children and why we have to put ourselves last on that list ... the more you put into them, the better you hope they will be prepared for that big bad world...and that we see is our responsibility as parents no matter how hard it gets at times..

Well this morning my neighbour went into her sons room to help get him dressed, to find he had woken in one of his ' bad moods' i knew as soon as i heard him swearing and banging about it wasn't going to be a good start for her, within mins she had been punched in the mouth twice and hit around the head with various objects......bear in mind her son weighs at least 18 stone, it must have really hurt her, i could hear the reaction she was having bless, what do you do when you hear someone getting hurt and you cant help, its terrible! I wanted to get over that fence and help but i know i have to stay quiet as thats what she wants and that she gets this everyday, I was standing behind that fence praying he would stop and she would be able to change his bad mood, but with a lot of children like him you cant............ parents who look after disabled children in my eyes deserve medals, my little sister has a little girl who's badly autistic and trying to communicate with her is so hard, she lives in another world, only she knows, full of frustrations that she cant get across to us. Ive watched my sister just like Jane battle with day to day things but still have a smile for you if they see you outside, these parents really need such a strength to deal with what they have on their plates, we moan about the silliest of things and feel sorry for ourselves for the stupidest of reasons, self pity doesnt come into these parents lives.. yet everyday they go through their lives having so much stress heaped on them, we simply wouldn't now what had hit us..
I count myself lucky, yes we may have worries, but we cope so its un-important really, but i don't get battered about and have to face a start to my day, like i witnessed this morning before anything else came into her day....
Parenthood isnt easy, but some parents get it hard all day, everyday ..
So today my thoughts and best wishes go out to them....

Results

2009-08-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

I finally got finished yesterday just in time for the weekend, i was hoping Saturday everything would be back in place and thankfully it is, how nice was that to wake up to a tidy kitchen, its been a wreck all week...

This afternoon we are hitting the Ingham street fair with Sharon and Richard and our friends from salsa, so hopefully its going to stay sunny.

Anyway as promised heres the finished result... Ive still got to do the other end of the kitchen, but my fellas away again next week for a few days, so ill pencil that in for when he leaves Tuesday, the kids really enjoying helping me paint so hopefully it should be another positive week, im really pleased with myself, kitchen done and both gardens done! if i carry on like this ill have the whole house redecorated in no time..

Messy Blonde at Work

2009-08-14T01:24:00.000-07:00

Im having 5 mins out, muttering away under my breath so many swear words this morning, but im not giving up yet!

I sprayed my awkward breakfast table this morning, got up at 5.45 so i could get it done before the kids got up as they tend to play with the lights inside it so im being crafty and what did i do? got granite spray all up the walls ive already painted...lol its everywhere!

Its good stuff as it really does look brilliant, but how messy is this bugger.....or is it just me being messy?

I came up with my table ages ago but never got to finish it how i wanted so im adament this time i'll do it properly, ive even got flashing lights to go inside it ready...

My fellas gone off to Marks to work for the day so im on a mission to try and get this lot finished so tonight i can get that white spirit out, clean myself up (im a lovely shade of purple, lilac and granite shade and restore some kind of calmess here .. my house looks unbeliveably messy ive got champagne sitting amongst t towels and paint and i need to stop blogging and get on with it today..

Ill show you all the results hopefully by tonight.. Its a meal a movie and one lazy night in store for me and my lot........

Surprises

2009-08-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

Its been a great couple of days, I'm getting everything i wanted to do done, what a brilliant feeling that is, yesterday i went back to the stables and got to ride as near to my dream as possible without the sand or sea, to have that place by myself was amazing, I cantered round and around for so long and haven't felt that free for years, they told me to close my eyes and picture that beach and boy didn't i.. I came away from there so happy inside it was untrue, i was on high all night!

My fella has been working his arse off as i knew he would but had told me he wasn't coming home until Saturday night! although i was a bit sad at that as we had one hell of a party to attend Saturday that none of us wanted to miss, so today i get a call (this afternoon) telling me hes on his way home ! talk about happy !!

Ive missed him like crazy of course but really pleased with what Ive achieved here, at the start of the week i was feeling a little lost, but as the days have gone on, Ive felt so much stronger and adapted really well, sleep was coming easily by Wednesday, probably as Ive been decorating, gardening and doing all sorts of wonderful stuff, until i couldn't do anymore and fell in a heap at bedtime.. the kids have ALL been helping to paint and backed me up here which is brilliant..

So tonight although hes come home to a nearly finished kitchen, we are ignoring the mess, I'll finish the main part tomorrow anyway, but it looks amazing and is well worth the work and a little upheaval.. I'd forgotten how much i love doing stuff like this... I'm covered in paint but couldn't feel happier tonight if id won that lottery.. Steves so pleased and loves it !

Anyway as promised here's the back garden that Ive been working on, its my tranquil place where i wake up regardless of the weather with my cuppa and the radio..

So count us in for Saturdays party you guys ! we will be there now !!!

Tossing and Turning

2009-08-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

What a hellish night, I tossed and turned for hours not able to find sleep, I've got a week like this, its always that first night thats the hardest, it took me ages to get used to him working away then when he came home i couldnt sleep as i didnt have enough room! lol

No seriously it wasn't an easy one, the kids were all yapping away trying to make as much cover up noise as possible but every noise i heard had me shooting out of bed to check, I couldn't have done anymore yesterday to knacker myself out, i didn't stop all day and night, so i guess today I'm just going to have to come up with something else....... yes a bottle of vodkas coming to mind now..

On the good side last nights riding was amazing, Kevin must have felt sorry for me last week (i was so crap) as he put me on Pip, he was so well behaved i just seem to work with this little horse so well, as much as i still like riding the bigger horses best, i have to face the fact I'm not bloody big enough ! Kevin calls it a pea riding a horse, and as much as i try to get these big guys moving its very hit and miss to whether they will or even indeed if they can feel they even have a rider on them.. he says the latter............

I was a bit nervous as theres a guy who works up there and rides the race horses and Ive been told how good he is so guess who comes to watch our lesson.........lol yep! if theres anything that's guaranteed to make you make cock ups its knowing that he was there standing in the spectators area watching us.. Thankfully Pip bailed me out and cantered beautifully for me all night~ i must remember not to lean when I'm going round corners though, too many days spent leaning for England on the back of a Suzuki 750 i should imagine.......lol

Today Ive rallied round the kids to help sort the back garden out, Brandon was a gem yesterday and worked tirelessly on weeding the front garden, it hasn't been done this year and took us 6 hours, i tend to work in the back garden all the time as that's the place i spend most of my time..

I'm hoping to weed the back , plant the new guys in both and then start work on painting the hall.. Just the kitchen to go then..

Ive got the chance of having a semi private lesson on Wednesday at the stables, and if i get this lot done I'm going to take it up, it will be my push to get this lot done so i can reward myself..

I'm missing my fella as theres no one to steal the duvet or snore at me all night ! but at least im getting loads of work done for a change ! I'll be ready for the pun jokes when he gets back ....

Today is going to be a good one as im on a mission , ill post the photos tonight to put some pressure on myself to get it done, i seem to work better when im being pushed but Steves not here to do that for me this week so ill 'do it myself '..... in more ways than one ! lol

Starts

2009-08-10T23:37:00.000-07:00

Its been an early start.. My fellas now gone to Scotland until at least saturday, so ive got the week all planned and after packing the weekends orders im going to make a start.

Now ive said im going to paint the house i better get it done...lol
Riding tonight so at least i can get an hour out !

Movies I want to See

2009-08-09T02:50:00.000-07:00

Ive been looking so forward to this film..

Eric Bana is one of my favourites so one night next week im taking myself off to watch (and drool over) this film

The timetravelers wife

It looks brilliant ! and everything ive read about it says its one not to be missed!

God knows how many times i watched Troy just to see this guy in action again, he even knocked Brad Pitt off my sex god list...........This guys number 2 ( just in case my fella reads this no 1 is you of course!) hehe

Sheringham Carnival

2009-08-09T00:26:00.000-07:00

We bundled the kids in the car last night excitedly, everyone wanted to go to the beach. So we headed for Sheringham, its one of my favourite ones and definitely the kids favourite!

We didn't realise the carnival was on so what we thought was just going to be fish and chips and a walk up the beach was much more entertaining.

You could hear the music pelting out so we followed it and ended up dancing away to the sounds of two great live bands, the first was a young girl singing all modern stuff (she was brilliant) and then the main act came on.. They were an Irish band but as soon as they opened up with the Killers hit 'Human ' we knew we were in for a good night, these guys were amazing...

Sheringham is so quaint, its kept its charm and everyone is friendly as we walked through to the beach there were groups of people all dancing away in the warm night air, what a way to enjoy the sea side.. it was beautiful. Watching that sunset fade away leaving just that huge moon was lovely..

After the band finished we headed for the amusements with the kids all carrying bags of coppers ready, i headed straight for the candy floss shop and came home I'm ashamed to say with a huge bag full of Jos things i really shouldn't be eating, but I'm going to anyway, you cant have a trip to the beach and not come home with a memento or two..lol

We all had a really good night and left rather late! so every ones still asleep here.

Ive got one more day with my fella today before he goes away for work Monday for a week now! (im not complaining or moaning in case he makes it two weeks!)but we will be having a quiet one today. I'm going to need some energy for all this decorating im planning and the gardening of course, my neighbour bought the plants round yesterday and theres loads of them! so im going to have my hands full, that was such a lovely thing to do, we are really lucky having David next door im constantly popping round (not for sugar) but for gardening utensils..lol hes told me to eat all the tomatoes off his plants too! so salads all next week kids ! lol

So today will be spent out there in the sunshine, making room for these new guys..its going to look amazing out there, and hopefully if i get the painting finished my fella will walk home to a bright new home...

Have a great weekend everyone, we're knackered !!

Lifes symphony

2009-08-08T02:19:00.000-07:00

We enjoyed a chill out night last night, Me and my fella cooked together and just enjoyed the evening, it was well needed after this week! I cant believe i actually did it! usually id get halfway through the week and decide i need a night in, but I'm glad i did..I felt better as the week went on, yes we were tired but what a fun week that was...

Its done wonders for how i feel inside and i now realise that things i let upset me, aren't really as important as i made them in my head... I cant change myself or who i am and shouldn't have to...

Today the house has woke up buzzing, Ryan has gone with his dad to collect his new guitar (secondhand i should add but its new to him) hes been saving up all his paper round money and has been practising hard on one that doesnt work (it screams!) he loves making music, as his parents we'll encourage this all the way, musics played a huge part in my life and i don't start the day without it, so here's to many new tunes being played in our house !

Ive got one more day with my fella as Monday hes now off for the week, so i want my pole up today! need another tin of paint and will see how much i can do here to make it look nice..

I'm going to go to salsa to meet up with my friends some evenings so its going to be a busy one my end too!

I sat there this morning outside as usual with my cuppa trying to wake up peacefully and couldn't believe what i saw ~ 21 little finches all piled round the bird table together !!

The floor was moving ! I do enjoy doing my garden (yes im sad) and my neighbour who sells plants just came round today and told me that i can have every plant he has left , theres loads of them, he sells them through spring and summer up until he goes away on his boat, so tomorrows already taken up with Joanne buzzing round like a mad woman with her trowel... lol how on earth am i going to fit all this lot in this week...

I wont have time to be bored hopefully....

Have a great day everyone ~ enjoy that sunshine...

Guns.N.Roses-Sweet Child O'Mine

2009-08-08T02:10:00.001-07:00

Lol.. We are pelting this out full blast this morning, waking up the neighbours!
This ones for Ryan !
Whos practising his guitar this morning...
Ive now got a drummer, guitarist and pianist in the house...

Going Home

2009-08-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

Ive had such a brilliant night at the Staithe, everyone was in such high spirits tonight, the atmosphere really was unbeatable.

I had some amazing dances with my fella, so doing a few extra classes this week has paid off, his confidence in Cuban style soared, as you feel like you've come home after all the other lessons, its like walking into a place where you feel you belong.................

There was loads of people there tonight which was brilliant as quite a few of our friends there are away on holiday at the moment (lucky buggers!) but the ones that are back all looked amazing and full of life, so its gotta be good hasn't it?

Ive been invited by Annie and Liliana to go see their horses, so next week as my fellas away from Tuesday onwards, i may take up their kind offers and go for a drive (ill probably get lost of course) but hes away for 4 days so as long as i can find my way back before Friday i'll be ok...lol Im really looking forward to seeing them both..
Annie brought a new chap to salsa whos a farrier, so i was in heaven learning all about that side of the horse world, salsa and riding apart from my family of course are the most important things in my life now, more than ever im turning to these things to escape society, i dont seem to be judged there only made to feel welcome.. and occasionally bucked about abit.. but i can cope with that...lol

Ive come home tonight to another bomb site, hammocks everywhere of course, but do you know what, I don't care!, ill get up early and clean up the mess, it was worth it not to have missed tonight! im on such a high !

I got to dance to my favourite track again (Willy of course) i hear that air raid siren and thats it, but this time my fella was really up for putting some attitude into it, and boy cant you feel the difference.... it was brilliant..
Theres some great events coming up starting with Ingham street fair next weekend, we get to dance on the streets again! (and the party afterwards! oh yes mojitos..lol) the Dance Cuban party on the 28th August , leandro will be there! you have to see this guy, seeing is believing in this case, hes world class.. theres so much stuff to do, so for anyone that wants to learn to dance, come along and join the fun....

Im going to sleep one very happy lady tonight and have finished a week off in the best place we know, its like that saying goes, you always save the best til last..

And tonight was definitely worth waiting for...

We are in now for the weekend, so im hanging up the dancing shoes for a couple of days, but to everyone thats doing the weekender in Bournemouth, have a great time guys and enjoy those mojitos....
Its been a brilliant week.......
my feet are killing me, i have blisters everywhere but my spirits flying high...

Back To Back

2009-08-06T07:46:00.000-07:00

Its been a good morning, Ive done whats needed been on various errands and finally got to that time of today where i can go run a bath and chill out for a while.. I still ache just about everywhere but determined to keep going this week, my fellas away in Scotland next week for the early part so i may as well get all this good dancing in before he goes, ill stay at home and paint the house onces hes gone as i'll be bored then..lol

Last night was another toughie, i said i was having one of those weeks and last night just confirmed it, yes it was another class full of spins, is someone having a laugh or what, I'm so glad its Cuban tonight, Ive been permanently dizzy since Tuesday doing all this lot..hehe

One of the chaps was there last night who was unfortunate enough to have me as his partner on Tuesday and boy did he giggle when the instructor said we are doing spins tonight ! he had seen first hand how bad i was then so two nights back to back, the guy deserves a medal.. he was so funny though and made the night as by the end of the lesson id managed to blag my way round the poor chaps either hitting or standing on all of them in turn, even the instructor was calling me trouble ~ I left my mark then :)

When we got back in last night i always go to give the kids a kiss, its my little ritual, so imagine walking into this without giggling ~

You guessed it, its Brandon ! hehe they decided to empty my airing cupboard out and make alternative sleeping arrangements, which had me in stitches, my kids are so much like me at times, i remember doing exactly the same thing as a child and tying a piece of string to my mates toe that ran along the length of our gardens, so she would wake up when i pulled it early, the thing i remember most was my mum and her mum flying up the stairs shouting at me, as her toe had gone black overnight ! :) so that's not recommended as a cheaper version to an alarm clock !

10 out of 10 for creativity though, he slept in his hammock all night and it held up !! I laid there waiting for the thump to come all night, giggling.....

Right im leaving the kids in Sandra's capable hands and going to see how much bubble bath it takes to reach the rim..

I can't wait for salsa tonight ! i didn't think i could do 4 nights back to back of all this energetic stuff but today im looking so forward to it and am on a high .........Good job really

As tomorrow i'll probably be in a heap ! hehe

Spinning Around

2009-08-05T01:55:00.000-07:00

Oh my word do i hurt this morning, we must be gluten's for punishment...

We met up with our friends Cheryle and Fran last night at Caistor hall to catch up on whats been happening, it was lovely to see all the guys again, there were so many there we knew and used to dance with. But talk about fish out of water, i had to giggle, I couldn't have picked a harder night to go along! I think I'm having one of those testing weeks..hehe

It was Larissa's cross body class and my word was i dizzy by the time i got back into that car...

We don't use spins in Cuban style salsa but occasionally my fella will throw one in as he likes them, but walking into that class last night i was really pushed! Larissa decided it was the night we were all going to learn triple spins !! it was so hard ! started the dance with a triple spin kicking off straight back into a double back ~ 5 spins in a row isn't nice ! i managed it for about 6 guys (you move round every few Min's) but by the time i got to Ken i was feeling pretty queazy so went and got myself a drink (just so i could grab a breather)..lol

I did giggle to Cheryl on the phone and said id be fine as long as it wasn't a routine full of spins! My old cross body instructor was even there ! we did both classes and learnt cha cha cha which i loved but I'm definitely Cubanized, Larissa said id did really well and helped me with my arm work (apparently I'm working twice as hard as i need to be) with the spins but by the end of the night i was getting it...

Tonight we are going to Indulge as i need to pick up our salsa boat tickets from Nad.

Ive already been warned this is the class where all the good ones go ! hehe What the hell, we wanted to push ourselves and get moving again after 3 weeks out, so will go along and enjoy the night, by the time we get to Richard and Sharon's cuban class tomorrow we should be rearing to go....

I do enjoy cross body style as i like the spins but it seems really strange going backwards and forwards only, i kept wanting to walk round the guys last night and stick my hand on every ones shoulders....hehe

Will let you all know how tonight goes, its got a real big following as its like a club scene so will be interesting to see, i may just take that camera along for the ride.....

Kick Girl Kick

2009-08-04T02:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's riding lessons were a total failure, I did my jumping lesson with Jean as usual we were in the outside arena as the sun was in full bloom and lovely, but could i get it right! No is the answer.

I was so annoyed at myself, the jumping and taking the jumps is fine, we are up to 5 jumps but i couldnt get my legs right all the other time..lol

There is such a thing as trying to hard, Wendy said i was doing fine, but you know in yourself when things just wont go so right..

Everytime i tried to get the horses into canter were my legs stiffening up, i can feel them doing it but cant seem to work out how to stop it, its happened before when i first went to red hall, but i felt that part was getting better ~ until yesterday.. one step forward 3 back..lol

I came home dripping with sweat stood in a cold shower for over an hour and went back for my evening lesson with the group, theres a new guy in class whos irish and really excellent at riding, he was telling me he usually does cross country and has been riding a long time and this is the same all round with the ones i seem to be with, so im always the novice girl in the group and the one who messes it all up, i think i was even worse than usual as he was trying to help me..

In the afternoons jumping class i rode Solomen and Jazz, Wendy swaps us about every 15 mins so she can see the reactions of the horses to our riding, mine was easy to see, slow and go slow, last time we were cantering over them all this week i can even get a canter..

I was hoping last night would restore my faith in myself so went back with what i hoped was a less defeative attitude, but i got a bugger of a horse who spent the night trying to buck me over his head..

Its amusing to think of today as he was being really naughty and Kevin said hes known to do it, but apparently i got him on one of his worst days where everytime we went past Kevin the bloody thing bolted and bucked away showing his dislike, acting just like a spoilt brat whilst spitting his dummy out! he really wouldn't play ball.

I managed to stay in the saddle so im proud of that part but came home nearly in tears as i really was trying so hard ,yet everything i did lead to the horse sticking his head down and his arse up in the air as far as he could get.... hehe

Walking him back to the fields i was giving him a real good talking to, I refused to give the horse a mint for the first time and hope i dont get him again! but knowing Kevin and his sense of humour, ill be lined up on him again next week ! Bring back Jack eh... even hes good compaired to Shamus last night...

I hurt in places today i didnt know i had muscles, and am lined up for 3 back to back nights of salsa starting tonight so hopefully that will go better than yesterdays performances at the stables... The ironic part is i wish i could go back today and try again, i know where i went wrong and will have to wait til next week now to see if i can get it right. its just the same as this people thing i struggle with..

Im not just bloody soft with people, its horses now too........

Give me a deserted island and my fella anyday...

At least i dont need a whip to get him to ride................hehe

Patrick Swayze and his wife Dance

2009-08-03T00:03:00.001-07:00

I cant believe ive never seen this..
what a partnership.. totally beautiful.....

Blonde with a Paintbrush !

2009-08-02T02:03:00.000-07:00

Its Sunday and for some strange reason my house is all up and running far more earlier than usual.... I cant work it out..

I still managed to grab my cuppa and head outside, i cant wake up and face the onslaught of 'mum wheres my' before ive had at least 3 cups of tea..

I did eventually get out the paintbrushes yesterday and made a start on painting the hall, Starting with the front door that my dog decided to go and lay against as soon as i painted it... its typical of this place, nothing ever is normal here, I now have a lilac & black dog and black & lilac front door...hehe And people say my place is a chill out place? what are they thinking.. its a looney bin..

My fellas taking me out this morning to buy me a tin of paint, now ive started this bugger ill no doubt work my way through the house so if i get it in today and hes not here all week i can just get on, its already looking brighter so im glad i started it..

Last night my fella cooked one of his famous lamb casseroles (he hasnt done that in ages) so tonights meal is already done! its that good we make a huge pot full, so today i can get stuck in and enjoy being creative without having to do the mundane stuff..

I rang Cheryl last night to catch up on whats been happening in the salsa world and with our friends, and have made arrangements to meet up Tuesday and Wednesday so with riding tomorrow and cuban salsa Thursday its going to be a busy week..

Its the Salsa Boat coming up soon and the cuban party at the Staithe so we need to get some practise in..I can't wait !

Right time to B & Q it and go get that paint.... before he changes his mind and dissapears into the WWW.. he seems to be in another world once that laptops out, so at least i can paint mine while hes out ! lol

Good Reads.. Got to do this!

2009-08-01T03:11:00.000-07:00

I came across this girls blog today, ive been engrossed in here for hours (and i mean hours)..

She started off working in a travel agents and decided to just pack in her job and grab a backpack.

God how many nights ive dreamed about doing that, when my kids finish high school me and my fella are going to do exactly the same thing, id love the kids to come too and see that big old world out there.

Like this girl im not into posh hotels and material things, id be happy up to my neck in mud with a tent and backpack, one day its going to be us doing this !!

Shes on her way to Antartica and writes so well, the pictures are amazing and its exactly how i would expect it to be.. no frills no fuss just living life day to day waking up in the next place and enjoying the ride..

Its really cheered me up today, i wonder sometimes why we work like we do...

Shes just given me my wake up call..

This is why i'll keep going, til i get there...

Well worth a read, grab a cuppa and enjoy.

http://www.madnessandbeauty.com/

Roses Memo reply to Journeying

2009-07-31T23:07:00.000-07:00

First thing you wash in the shower? Usually my hair
What color is your favorite hoodie? I dont own one, ive only just realised that!
Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Oh yes, as soon as the kids go to bed...
Do you plan outfits? Only when i go out socializing
How are you feeling RIGHT now? I ache just about everywhere
Whats the closest thing to you that's red? A Egyptian love paper that was a gift to us both from Dayle
Tell me about the last dream you remember having? It was a nightmare and i was running from something
Did you meet anybody new today? yes
What are you craving right now? A nice jasmine bubble bath
Do you floss? yes and love mouthwash
What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Steves lamb casserole to go with it!
Are you emotional? Yes .. I take everything to heart
Have you ever counted to 1,000? I have tried to in french with kids
Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it then nibble
Do you like your hair? Yes now im happy with it
Do you like yourself? Yes
Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Yes if he was paying and i could have lobster
What are you listening to right now? Battlefield its on my blog so im playing it as i type
Are your parents strict? No
Would you go sky diving? Yes Im hoping to do that this year for charity with my sister, ive filled in forms
Do you like cottage cheese? not really something i eat much, prefer all other cheeses but i dont dislike it.
Do you rent movies often? when i feel like night in ill go get some.. last week i did
Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? yes my new cushions they are gorgeous
How many countries have you visited? 5
Have you made a prank phone call? Lol... Yes
Ever been on a train? yes
Brown or white eggs? either i Love eggs
Do you have a cellphone? yes a new touchtone samsung tocca
Do you use chap stick? no im a big fan of bio oil now, use it everywhere
Can you use chop sticks? oh yes
Who are you going to be with tonight? im on my own, kids are upstairs
Are you too forgiving? i dont hold grudges lifes too short , its good to forgive.
Ever been in love? Yes
What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? I dont really have any close friends like that
Ever have cream puffs? yes
Last time you cried? Today, some buggers pinched all our things..
What was the last question you were asked? "mum can Olly sleep over" just came down the stairs.
Favorite time of the year? Spring time i think
Do you have any tattoos? No i wanted a little devil with a pitchfork on my hip but steve talked me out of it.
Are you sarcastic? Oh yes !
Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? no
Ever walked into a wall? Yes when my iron was bad regulary, i felt drunk!
Favorite color? Purple
Have you ever slapped someone? yes years ago Geoff and he thoroughly deserved it
Is your hair curly? when im hot it goes curly
What was the last CD you bought? I cant remember
Do looks matter? No .. its whats inside we fall in love with
Could you ever forgive a cheater? Yes.
Is your phone bill sky high? not now thankfully
Do you like your life right now? Yes but there's areas that could be better
Do you sleep with the TV on? No tvs in my bedroom
Can you handle the truth? Yes and prefer it
Do you have good vision? yes perfect
Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? No I don't hate/dislike anyone
How often do you talk on the phone? not as often as i should
The last person you held hands with? Lauren
What are you wearing? jeans/ lacey top and a bra thats driving me nuts (digging in)
What is your favorite animal? I dont really have one, I like them all
Where was your default picture taken at? Its not me (but wished i could have been there with them two)
Can you hula hoop? yes
Do you have a job? yes several
What was the most recent thing you bought? A paintbrush yesterday
Have you ever crawled through a window? yes last week through bedroom window (not good at heights either)
When was the last time you've been to church? does the churchyard count? hehe
What's your least favorite meal? butter beans ......yuck!
Did you ever steal anything by mistake? Yes when i was shopping with triplets (put shopping under buggy and walked out without paying)oops
Have you ever won anything? yes horseriding stuff/ kickboxing stuff/£10 on the lottery last week!